Twenty #2
“Better not show Kason, then,” Noah says from across the living room, not even looking up from his phone.
“Ha, ha. Poke fun at the virgin because it’s so funny,” Kason grumbles from where he sits on the couch.
He says it quietly enough not to draw Charlotte’s attention, which is probably a good thing.
I really don’t need her going up to either of our parents tomorrow after we leave and asking them what a virgin is.
“Dinner will be here in a few,” Mom’s voice comes from beside me.
I smile at her and wrap my arm around her shoulder and squeeze, only to feel her return one around my waist.
“Thanks, Mom.”
Our attention shifts to where Charlotte and Holden are when she lets out another fit of giggles. It amazes me how enthusiastically they talk between themselves. Like no one else is in the room.
You wouldn’t know by looking that there’s almost a fifteen-year age gap between them, because he treats her just like any of us.
A bit softer, of course, since she is still a child.
It’s something in his tone of voice and demeanor; he is not handling her with kid gloves like most people do.
Especially if they know about her being adopted.
“She’s enthralled with him,” Mom whispers, just for my ears.
My attention shifts, and I meet her amber eyes. “Yes, she is. Not something I expected, but it’s cool, regardless.”
“And he’s good to Kason?”
The question takes me off-guard, and I force myself to whisper an answer I don’t believe in. For so many reasons, I can’t even begin to list them.
“They’re great together.”
“I’m glad. That boy’s family, and Lord knows he deserves something good in his life.” There’s a hint of a smile on her face as she continues watching Holden with my sister. “I can see why he’d be just as captivated.”
He’s not the only one.
And the thought alone is exactly why I don’t think I’ll be able to last another full day in the car with the two of them tomorrow.
I see the way Kason looks at him; the affection in his gaze that’s become so painfully obvious, it’s almost sickening. Or maybe the nausea is because it’s the same way I’ve caught myself looking at him, too.
He has a way of bewitching me and everyone else around him.
I hate admitting it, even if it’s just to myself, but I can’t deny the truth anymore.
Something about the guy draws me in, dragging me under his spell and twisting me up inside.
Knotting up my intestines and coiling around my heart in a grip that continues tightening no matter how hard I try to escape.
But I have to.
If I know what’s good for my friendship and my fucking sanity…I need to.
“What’s wrong, honey?” Mom asks, and I realize I never responded to her.
I’m not the type to keep secrets from Mom or Dad. It might not be considered normal these days, but I firmly believe they’re there for me no matter what. With advice, just a listening ear, or whatever it might be.
Yet I can’t bring myself to talk about this right now.
“Just kinda out of it, I guess,” I tell her, eyes focused on Charlotte and Holden. And once again, I have to ignore the way my stomach flutters and my heart races when I catch him smiling down at her.
It’s a mental picture I plan to store in my memory bank for a long time.
Mom’s always been able to read me like a book. It’s one of the many reasons I’m so comfortable talking to her about things. And she proves her capability to read the situation and reach inside my mind hasn’t waned with my going off to college when she gives me another gentle squeeze at the waist.
“Honey, you know you won’t lose Kason just because someone else comes into his life, right? Your friendship is the forever kind. Whatever comes between you two, you’ll come back together, stronger at the end. I have no doubt about it, and neither should you.”
I give Mom a half-hearted smile, knowing in my gut that she’s wrong.
Because after everything that’s happened, there’s no way my friendship with Kason will be the same. Not unless I figure out a way to turn these feelings for Holden off for good.
“What did your Mom mean by you staying here?”
The incredulity in Kason’s voice is unmatched as the question leaves his lips, forcing my attention up from where I’m lounging across my mattress in my childhood room the next morning.
I shift into a sitting position, brows furrowing. “Um…exactly that?”
The decision was made early this morning to not drive back with the rest of the guys—opting to spend the rest of winter break here with my family instead.
I hadn’t realized how much I missed them, and it also gives me a little bit of reprieve from the weird, toxic cloud forming whenever Holden, Kason, and I are in the same confined space for too long.
Kason’s arms cross over his chest. “So what am I supposed to do for the next week when I get back to campus?”
I know Kason means no harm by turning this around to how it affects him—after all, it’s a valid point considering he’ll be at the apartment alone—but it still gives me a weird feeling regardless.
Or not alone, if he decides to invite Holden over.
The thought only causes my temper to flare internally, and I let out a dry, “I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”
He just frowns at me, head cocked to the side, like he doesn’t even recognize me. Hell, if he knew half of what’s been running through my head or has been happening with Holden, he surely wouldn’t.
“Why are you acting so weird?”
My brows collide in an effort to play dumb, all the while knowing it’s getting a lot more difficult to do. Especially when I’m having a hard enough time maintaining eye contact. “I’m not acting any weirder than my normal level of weird, Kase.”
“Yeah, you are,” he says, crossing the room and taking a seat on the edge of the bed.
“You’ve been quiet and distant as shit for the past three days.
I don’t think you even said a word all day yesterday.
Even when Noah or Holden made some stupid comment while we were driving up here—and that isn’t like you. ”
The mere mention of Holden sends a rush of heat flowing through my veins. Not the good kind of heat—the kind of lust and desire. No, instead, this is all shame and guilt.
I don’t miss how the regret is lacking, though; that little fact only exacerbates this whole thing.
“I’m just tired,” I tell him, yet another lie slipping off my tongue with ease.
There was a time in my life when I would’ve rather stepped on a Lego or shot myself in the foot than lie to Kason.
When I would’ve gone out of my way to kick the ass of anyone who’d dare treat him poorly or hurt him.
So the irony isn’t lost on me that I’m doing all those things now, even if he doesn’t realize it’s happening.
“You’re tired?” he repeats, brow hitched up in a you’re kidding me kind of way.
“You know the beach always wears me out,” I try reasoning, though it comes out apathetic at best. “All the salt and sand and sun is draining after a while. I need some time to recuperate.”
His eyes continue raking over my face, a clear attempt to read between the lines. “And somehow that equates to you staying here instead of coming back to Chicago with us?”
I can see it in his eyes as he gazes at me; he thinks I’m pissed at him and that’s why I’m staying behind.
Because he made me the third wheel by inviting Holden.
Or because he knows I didn’t want Holden and all the other guys to join us on our annual trip in the first place and could still be holding onto a grudge.
And yeah, he’d be right about one thing. I am pissed. Except it’s not him I’m pissed at.
It’s myself.
I shake the thought free from my head—not willing to unpack any of that with Kason sitting beside me—and do the only thing I can think of. The only thing I seem to be doing anymore.
I lie.
“I just want to spend the rest of winter break with my family.” The words taste bitter on my tongue, as deceit often does, even if it is laced with the truth.
So naturally, I double down with some more.
“Plus, Charlotte asked me if I’d be going to her ballet recital, and I’d have felt like a shit older brother if I didn’t stay for it. ”
Kason stares at me, probably measuring the honesty in my words. But either he’s blind to the truth, or he’s deciding not to fight me on this, because he only shakes his head in concession.
“Fine, just know you’re leaving me alone with a couple of idiots the rest of the way home. So if I die without you there to keep them in line, that’s on you.”
I muster the best smile I can and shake my head. “I’m sure you’ll be fine.”
I’m just not so sure I will be.
There’s a moment of silence between us, and for the first time since all this crap with Holden started, I feel at ease with my best friend.
The tension has started to dissolve, leaving only the comfort I’ve always known his presence to be, to the point where I’m about to open my mouth and offer him to spend the rest of the break here too.
Stay with me and let the other six go back to Chicago.
Have some time for just us, like we’ve done for the past two years.
But Kason blows that little idea to smithereens when he sighs and says, “Okay, well, before we head out, I do need some advice.”
“Sure, man. What’s up?”
“Well…” He blows out another breath and chances a glimpse my way. “It’s about Holden.”
My heart sinks, but I plaster on a smile anyway. “I’ll remain as impartial as possible.”
As if there’s any remote possibility of it, to begin with.
“I think I’m starting to…”
Kason’s tongue rolls against his cheek, and I can visibly see all the thoughts forming in his brain. The things he’s wanting to say, but doesn’t know how. Or maybe isn’t ready to.
“You’re starting to…” I hedge. All the while, my heart hammers in my chest, pounding like the hooves of a racehorse in the homestretch as I wait in agony for him to continue. All the while praying to any God that exists for me to be wrong about where this is going.
Please, don’t say it. Please, please, don’t fucking say—
“I think I’m starting to like him, maybe?”
A vise clamps around my heart so tight, it’s a wonder I’m still alive and breathing. Nonetheless, I stumble through the pain and offer him the best response I can muster.
“I would have thought that was obvious, seeing as you invited him here.”
Kason shakes his head. “Well, yeah. I just mean things between him and I have been going pretty slow. It’s my own doing, and he’s been fine with it.
I think I’m ready to take a step forward now—maybe even ask for exclusivity once we take that step.
But…” His eyes shift over to me, and I hate how much worry and anxiety I see in them.
“I don’t know, Phoe. I can’t really explain it.
He just makes me so nervous all the time.
I feel like a bumbling fool around him, so I don’t even know how to broach the subject. ”
I know what I want to say.
It should be easy for him to talk to the guy he likes, especially about something like this.
The one he’s supposed to be with will make him more comfortable, not less.
But if either of those things come out of my mouth—no matter how true they might be—it will all feel tainted for my own personal gain.
I have to be the supportive best friend here. It’s what he needs.
So despite my better judgment, I paint a picture for him with half-truths.
“Comfort will come with time and, more importantly, experience.” I swallow past the knot in my throat and force out more words of reassurance. “Once things… progress between you a bit more, you’ll become less jittery around him.”
He shrugs, clearly disbelieving of my point.
“It’s been almost two months. You’d think I’d be able to act like less of a nervous wreck whenever he’s within two feet of me.
” His head sinks into his hands, fingers raking through his auburn hair.
“And I feel like the more I’m starting to feel comfortable, the more he’s pulling away.
Like, you saw it on the beach when I kissed him. He couldn’t get away fast enough.”
Because he’s not meant for you.
But I can’t say that. I can’t possibly begin to explain how and why I know that, either.
So I say the only thing I can, instead.
“I’m sorry, Kase. I’m really fucking sorry.”