Thirty-Two
Phoenix
My heart drops to my stomach and clear out of my ass as I stare at my best friend, but I try to not let the panic show.
Instead, I force a smile on my face as I step into the hall and calmly close the door behind me.
Not an ideal situation while I’m only in a pair of sweatpants, but inviting him in where Holden is still naked and covered in my cum isn’t exactly an option.
And it’s certainly not the way I’m looking to let him know about the two of us, whenever I’m ready for that moment to come.
“Kase. Hey,” I say, my voice coming out a bit pitchy.
His green eyes crinkle at the corner while he looks at me, apprehension written all over his face. “Sorry, I didn’t realize this would be a bad time.”
Try a fucking horrific time.
“You just caught me off guard,” I lie, trying not to wince at how hollow they’ve begun to sound. It seems to get worse with every one I tell him. “What’re you doing here?”
“It’s St. Seb’s weekend.”
The game. Right.
Had I not been so wrapped up in Holden lately, I’d have remembered him making these plans months ago when I first got my schedule for the season. He’d come down and watch the games with my parents before his obligatory drop-in to see his own family.
“Oh, shit. That’s right.” My hand rakes through my hair haphazardly. “I completely forgot.”
“And here y’all say I’m the forgetful one,” he says with an awkward laugh before his expression turns more pensive.“Are…we good, Phoe? I know you’ve been busy lately with school and ball and dating again, but it feels like something else is going on.”
My lips part, ready to feed him yet another tasteless lie, when the door behind me opens from the inside.
“Round two is gonna have to start solo if Theo—”
My eyes sink closed, nausea slamming into me in waves at the sound of Holden’s voice.
“Oh, shit,” he curses under his breath, and I’m just praying to God he’s at least put some clothes on. Anything besides just my jersey hanging open over his shoulders.
My gaze shifts, and even though I’m glad to see he dragged a pair of tight briefs up to his hips, the evidence is still pretty damning. A fact that’s all-too apparent when my attention slides to Kason again.
His eyes are wide as they flick between the two of us in our states of half-undress, and I don’t miss the way they lock on my jersey. But the shock in his gaze quickly wanes, and it’s only a moment later that anger and betrayal take their place.
“Go back inside,” I demand quietly to Holden, not daring to look away from Kason.
“Nix, let me—”
My gaze veers to him before I snap out a harsh, “You’ve done enough. Just go back in the room.”
Hurt doesn’t even begin to describe the emotion filling his golden irises, and while the rational part of me knows it’s not fair for me to aim my anger at Holden, I can’t seem to stop it.
Yeah, he couldn’t have known it was anyone other than Theo outside the room, let alone Kason…
but fuck, if he would’ve just stayed inside the room, I could’ve—
Could’ve what? Kept blatantly deceivingmy best friend? Continued disregarding Holden’s wishes because I’m too afraid to own up to the mess I created?
Holden’s Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows, and with a quiet nod, he slips back into the hotel room and leaves me alone with Kason.
A seething, pissed-off Kason, if the way his eyes harden and nostrils flare are anything to go off of.
His lip curls back in a disgusted snarl, fury written all over his face. “Un-fuckin’-believable.”
I stand silently, waiting anxiously for him to lay into me the way I know he wants to. The way we both know I deserve. Only to my shock—and even dismay—Kason opts to turn the other way and stomp toward the elevator.
I quickly snap out of the stupor the sight leaves me in and follow him. “Kason, just wait.”
My hand wraps around his forearm, but he immediately yanks it free from my hold, whirling on me in anger. “Why? So you can lie to my face some more?”
The words hit their intended target, though it’s not hard when I’ve been wearing my guilt so freely.
Even with this newfound mantra of choosing myself first—one I’ve been doing my best to embody for weeks—old habits die hard.
And when I have Kason staring me dead in the eye as all my deceit unravels before us, old habits have their way of creeping back in. Even taking over.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, knowing the words are hollow at best. Not because I don’t mean them, but because I know they do nothing to fix the situation. “I didn’t mean for this to happen.”
“As if you couldn’t be any more of a cliché right now.” He scoffs and rakes a hand through his hair, the auburn strands sticking out a bit haphazardly when he’s done. “The best friend and the boyfriend. It’s fucking disgusting.”
“The two of you weren’t together,” I murmur, though I probably shouldn’t. “You technically never were and—”
A sharp, almost maniacal laugh leaves him.
“That’s not the point, Phoenix. I asked you point fucking blank at the Super Bowl party.
I asked if you were seeing him, and you said no, gaslighting me into thinking I was seeing shit.
” His lips curl back in a sneer as he shakes his head.
“But I did see it. That night. In Florida. Hell, I saw it that night at the Kappa Sig house in November. There was history between you two, and it was enough to get under your skin. But I asked you what the problem was time and time again, only for you to say it was nothing.” His green eyes flare with fury as he looks me up and down.
“I took you at your fucking word. Something I should be able to do with a friend, let alone the one person on this planet who has always been honest with me. Always had my back.”
Agonized is only the tip of the iceberg for what I’m feeling right now. How can it not be when the twinge of pain in his voice he’s doing his best to hide is still clear as day?
“But, you see, that right there is exactly why I didn’t tell you.
Because having your back and being honest with you was completely at odds with each other when it comes to Holden.
” I take a deep breath, steeling myself for what I say next.
For what I have to say. “This is the first time since we’ve been friends that I’ve actually done something for me . Where I put my happiness above yours.”
He shakes his head, a clear rejection of my statement. “Don’t you dare put this on me, Phoe. I’ve never asked you to do that.”
“But you did! You have!” I lift my hand and start ticking off examples on my fingers.
“When you begged me to come to Leighton instead of going off to Foltyn for college. When you asked Holden to sit with us for lunch. Then again, inviting him down to Florida, along with your other teammates. You ask, and I fold. No matter what.”
It feels like shit, keeping score this way, but to hell if I’ll let him remain blind to everything I’ve done for him over the years—some of which without batting an eye.
I just can’t do it anymore.
“You always put your wants and needs above mine,” I murmur, my voice cracked and raw. “So why is it so wrong for me to finally do the same?”
“Because I never lied to you,” he snaps, stepping toward me. The distance between us closes, becoming inches at best as he glares down at me so intensely…I’m actually a little afraid of him.
“I’m sorry—”
“Sorry doesn’t cut it anymore, Phoe. Not when all I want is for you to tell the truth.” If I didn’t know him as well as I do, I’d miss the sorrow in his eyes as he glares down at me. All I’d see is the anger as he mutters the sentiment again. “Just tell the fucking truth.”
So I finally do.
I step back and let all the lies and secrets, the deceit and betrayal, spill from me.
I let the truth set me free as they land in a heaping pile at his feet where he can see each of them in all their ugly glory.
Where he can sift through them, picking out the pieces and analyzing them under a microscope.
There’s no reason to keep hiding anything now. No point in pretending this will hurt any less by keeping it from him. So I’m more than happy to tell him whatever answers he wants to know, especially if it means having any shot at earning his forgiveness.
Yet when I bring the sordid tale to a close and wait for him to say something, all he does is stare at me in silence.
And it’s fucking deafening.
“Kase,” I murmur, praying for him to speak. Needing him to say something.
Only, when he does, part of me wishes he’d let me drown in the silence instead.
“You sat there judging me for even thinking about sleeping with Holden, yet here you are, doing exactly that. For months without saying a damn thing about it.” He wets his lips and shakes his head before continuing in a harsh whisper. “I don’t even recognize you anymore.”
His words are knives, and they cut deep.
Mostly because I don’t recognize myself anymore, either.
The person I was would’ve never done this to him.
He would’ve shoved down the feelings rising to the surface and fought against them.
Pushed and kicked and beaten them away until they no longer existed.
But at what cost?
“Say what you want about me, but you played a part in this too,” I whisper, the pain from his cuts causing me to lash out in return. “We might’ve done some shit, but the only reason we ever got this far was because we were forced together by you.”
A scoff leaves him. “Then why am I only finding out about the first Kappa Sig party now? Because I’m pretty sure I have nothing to do with what happened between you two that night.”
It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell him it was a mistake. Hell, if I’d told him about sleeping with Holden immediately after it happened, I’m positive that’s exactly what I would’ve said.
So much has changed since then, though, and saying that now is nothing more than another lie.