2. Sha’nelle Harper
Trill-Land
When I say a bitch’s nerves was tore the fuck up, I mean they was really tore the fuck up!
I still couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that Renza had just did that shit to me like we wasn’t at a whole children’s birthday party and like I ain’t walk in there with a whole nigga on my arm.
My feet was movin’ fast as hell as I pushed through the doors, and the second I stepped outside, the air hit my face and made me realize I was cryin’ harder than I thought.
My chest felt tight and my heart was beatin’ too fast, like my body was tryna catch up to everything that just happened.
“‘Nelle!” Toni called from behind me, her voice confused and a lil’ irritated as she hurried after me. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
I ain’t even slow down at first, ‘cause I ain’t know what to say and I damn sure ain’t know how to explain none of this shit without soundin’ crazy.
All I knew was I needed to get away from that buildin’ and get my thoughts together before Couture came back, ‘cause if he saw me like this, it was over with.
The fucked up part about all this, was, I knew better. I knew how the fuck Renza was.
That nigga had already showed me what he was capable of.
He had already told me what it was weeks ago when we was laid up in that Airbnb, lookin’ me dead in my face like he meant every word when he said if I gave his pussy away, he was gon’ kill the nigga I gave it to.
So when I saw him comin’ toward me and Couture just now, I knew I had to stop his ass from doin’ the most.
That’s why I leaned into Couture and lied like that, tellin’ him I left one of My’Love’s gifts at the hotel and askin’ him if he could go grab it for me. I needed him gone before Renza got close enough to say or do some shit that would fuck up my lil’ cousin’s party.
Now look at my ass…standin’ out here cryin’ after lettin’ Renza take me too damn fast,
I slowed down when I got outside, my hands pressin’ against my thighs as I tried to catch my breath, but that shit wasn’t workin’ ‘cause my mind wouldn’t slow down for shit. Everything kept playin’ back to back, and no matter how much I tried to push it away, I could still feel Renza all over me.
My neck was sore where his hand had been, and every time I swallowed, I felt that pressure all over again like my body refused to let me forget it. And then on top of that, I could still feel him between my legs.
That alone made my stomach twist, ‘cause I ain’t even wanna admit what that shit did to me. I ain’t wanna think about how my body reacted to him or how I lost control of that moment, ‘cause that would mean I had to admit I let it happen. And I couldn’t sit with that right now.
“Sha’Nelle…” Toni said softer this time when she finally reached me, and the second I turned toward her, she saw everything all over my face.
She ain’t even hesitate before she started wipin’ my tears with her hand, her brows pulled together like she already knew who this was about.
“What the fuck is goin’ on?” she asked low.
I swallowed, my throat tight as hell and for a second, I couldn’t even get the damn words out.
“Renza…” I said, then shook my head ‘cause that wasn’t even enough to explain none of this shit. “He fucked me.”
Toni’s eyes went wide so fast it almost threw me off, and she leaned back a lil’ while she tried to process what I just said, her face shiftin’ from confusion to straight disbelief.
“Bitch when?!” she snapped.
I just looked at her and ain’t say nothin’, ‘cause I already knew I ain’t even have to. The way I was standin’ here… the way my hair looked, and the way my body felt… all that shit said enough.
That’s when it clicked for Toni. Her eyes dropped to my hair, then to my neck, and the way her hand flew up to her mouth told me she saw some shit that was gon’ fuck up my whole trip.
“Bitch… you got two big ass hickies on yo’ damn neck.”
My heart dropped clean to my stomach. I pulled my phone out quick and flipped the camera on, and when I saw the marks sittin’ bold as hell on my neck, I felt my whole chest tighten.
“This nigga…” I muttered, starin’ at myself in disbelief.
Like why the fuck would he even do that?
My phone buzzed in my hand, and when I saw Couture texted me sayin’ he ain’t see no gifts and he was on his way back, panic hit me all over again.
“Oh my God…” I whispered. “I’m fucked up.”
Toni grabbed my shoulders and turned me toward her, her hands already movin’ to fix my hair and pull it down over my neck to cover the marks.
“Relax, bitch,” she said, even though I could hear the stress in her voice. “We gon’ fix it. Just chill.”
“Toni, I just cheated on that man,” I said, my voice crackin’ as I looked at her. “He don’t deserve that.”
She ain’t even answer that part. She just kept fixin’ me, tryna make me look like nothin’ happened.
Then, headlights pulled up, and both of us turned at the same time.
“Here he come,” she muttered.
Everything in me tightened up. I forced myself to move, walkin’ toward the passenger side while Toni went to the driver’s window like she already had a plan.
Couture looked confused as hell as his eyes moved between us like he was tryna piece together what happened.
“One of my cousins got drunk and started trippin’, and Sha’Nelle had to get her together,” Toni said smooth, like she been waitin’ to say that.
He looked at me, and I just nodded ‘cause I ain’t trust myself to say shit without fuckin’ it up.
Couture studied me for a second, then looked back at Toni before noddin’ slow. When she told me she was gon’ call me and stepped back, I already felt that tension settin’ in.
The second we pulled off, the car got quiet, and that silence hit different ‘cause it wasn’t just quiet. It felt heavy.
Couture’s hand came down on my thigh, and I flinched before I could even stop myself. That small movement felt loud as hell to me, even though he ain’t say nothin’ about it right away.
“You good, baby? You need anything?” he asked, his voice calm, but I could feel him watchin’ me closer now, like he was tryna read me without pushin’ too hard.
“Yeah,” I replied, noddin’ again, keepin’ my eyes forward ‘cause I ain’t trust myself to hold his gaze too long. “I’m good. I’m forreal.”
He let it go, and that made it worse. It made it worse ‘cause he ain’t question me, ain’t press me or make me feel like I had to explain shit.
It just reminded me of the kind of man he was.
Couture was good to me in ways I couldn’t even deny, and I had just did him so dirty in a way he ain’t even see comin’.
The whole ride back, I stayed quiet, but my mind wouldn’t shut up for shit. It kept takin’ me right back to Renza, and to the way he looked at me like he wasn’t hearin’ nothin’ I said. It was the way he handled me like I was still his, and I ain’t have no say once he decided what he wanted.
I could still feel that shit on me, and it made my stomach twist ‘cause it ain’t even feel like it was over.
It felt fresh, like it was still happenin’ right now, sittin’ on my skin, in my body, and in the way I shifted in my seat.
I was tryna get comfortable and couldn’t.
And that was the part that fucked me up the most, ‘cause I wasn’t just sittin’ here feelin’ guilty. I was rememberin’ it.
By the time we made it to the hotel, I felt like I was suffocatin’ in my own thoughts.
Couture got out and came around to my side, openin’ the door and pullin’ me into him like nothin’ was wrong.
I hugged him back, but my eyes stayed alert with my body tense as hell ‘cause all I could think about was these marks on my neck and what would happen if he saw them.
If I could just make it to the room and cover this shit up, I would be straight.
That’s all I needed… just a lil’ more time.
Couture leaned in and kissed me on the lips, and I swallowed hard against that shit, tryin’ not to react weird or pull away too fast. His hand stayed on my waist like it always did, as if nothin’ was off, and that made it even harder to stand here and pretend like I was straight.
“You sure you good? You don’t look good, and you know I’m here,” he said, lookin’ down at me.
I nodded quick. “Yeah… I’m good, baby. I promise,” I replied, keepin’ my voice as normal as I could. “I just need to take a shower or somethin’. I feel nasty after all that tusslin’ I did, and we just got off the plane too.”
Couture ain’t question it. He just nodded and walked with me inside, his hand restin’ against my lower back like always, and that small touch had my stomach twistin’ ‘cause I knew what I had just did.
The second we got in the room, Couture walked straight to the bathroom and turned the shower on for me.
I stood here for a second, watchin’ him move around like this was normal, not knowin’ that I had just betrayed him in the worst way possible.
My hands went straight to my suitcase while my mind kept runnin’, grabbin’ my makeup bag and my hair stuff ‘cause all I could think about was coverin’ my neck before Couture got too close again.
He finally came out the bathroom and walked straight up on me. His hand came to my waist, and he pulled me into him before I could even think about steppin’ back. He leaned down and kissed me again. He kissed me like I was his and like he ain’t have a reason to think otherwise.
I kissed him back ‘cause I had to, but my stomach felt tight as hell the whole time, my mind runnin’ in circles thinkin’ about what would happen if his hand slid up just a lil’ higher or if he pushed my hair back and saw my neck.
“I’m good,” I said again, more for myself than him, keepin’ my voice calm even though everything in me was not.
Couture’s hand stayed on me. He rubbed slow over my side like he was tryna settle me down, and that shit only made it worse.
He was too comfortable with me. He was too sure about me, and I was standin’ here prayin’ to God he ain’t look too close or touch too much, and find some shit I couldn’t explain.
He nodded and stepped back, givin’ me space to go into the bathroom, and the second the door closed behind me, I felt like I could finally breathe.
“Fuck,” I moaned low.
The water was already runnin’ with steam startin’ to fill the room, and I stepped out my clothes slow, my body feelin’ heavier now that everything was catchin’ up to me.
The second I stepped under the water, I closed my eyes, but that ain’t help shit ‘cause all it did was take me right back to Renza.
I couldn’t stop thinkin’ about the way his hands felt on me. The way he gripped, not lettin’ me go no matter how much I pushed or hit him. The way he looked at me like he was hurt and angry at the same time, like I had did somethin’ to him just by standin’ there with somebody else.
I thought about how many times I slapped him, how my hands kept comin’ across his face, and how he ain’t flinch or back down not one time. If anything, that shit turned him on more, and that part alone made my stomach twist ‘cause I ain’t even understand that.
I slid my hands over my body under the water, tryna wash everything off, but it ain’t feel like it was goin’ nowhere. It felt like this nigga was still here, still sittin’ on my skin, still between my legs and all in my fuckin’ head. And that shit made me mad.
It made me mad ‘cause I had a man in the other room who was actually good to me, who ain’t deserve none of this, and somehow, I was still stuck on the way Renza made me feel like I ain’t have no control.
This shit wasn’t right, and I knew it.
By the time I stepped out the shower, I stood here for a second, dryin’ off slow and starin’ at myself in the mirror like I ain’t even recognize the bitch lookin’ back at me.
My hand came up to my neck, touchin’ these marks Renza left, and even after the water, they still sat there bold as hell as a reminder of everything I just did.
I grabbed my makeup bag and got to work, coverin’ this shit up as best as I could, blendin’ it in until it looked like nothin’ was there, even though I knew it was still sittin’ underneath.
Once I was done, I fixed my hair again, made sure it fell right over my neck, and took a deep breath before walkin’ back out into the room.
Couture was sittin’ on the edge of the bed, lookin’ at his phone, but the second he saw me, his attention shifted right to me.
I walked over and sat down next to him, and he ain’t hesitate before pullin’ me into him, his arm comin’ around me like that was the most natural thing in the world.
I leaned into him, lettin’ my head rest against his chest, and for a second, it felt good. It felt safe, but that’s what fucked me up, ‘cause this was the man I was supposed to be with. This was the one who treated me right, who showed up for me and who ain’t bring chaos into my life.
But even sittin’ there in his arms…
I could still feel Renza all over me.
And that shit made me feel guilty as fuck…