18. Renaissance Harper
Solé Gardens
When I woke up the next mornin’, I was actually surprised that Renza was still in my bed.
Even though I missed him, I understood that where we was right now wasn’t where we was months ago, but a part of me still expected him to be gone before I opened my eyes.
I figured he would’ve got dressed while I was asleep, slipped out without makin’ too much noise and left me to wake up alone with everything from last night runnin’ through my head.
Instead, he was laid next to me on his back with one arm stretched across the pillow and his face turned in my direction.
His eyes was closed, and the room was quiet enough for me to hear him breathin’.
The sheet sat low across his waist where I could see his dick print through it and the early light camin’ through my curtains touched the side of his face while he slept like he didn’t have nowhere else to be.
I stayed still and watched him because I had missed bein’ this close to him more than I wanted to admit.
Renza had been my man for a long time, and I knew every version of him.
I knew the loud, goofy one who would joke through anything even when everybody else was serious.
I knew the violent one who could turn cold before somebody finished pissin’ him off.
I knew the loving one who used to keep his hands on me every chance he got, kiss my face for no reason and act like bein’ apart for a few hours was too long.
This version was harder to understand.
He wasn’t mean to me, and he didn’t treat me like he hated me. He just wasn’t the same man who used to chase behind me every time I walked away mad. He wasn’t all over me the way he used to be, and he didn’t look at me like I was the only woman in the world no more.
Last night made that clear.
We had been together, but it didn’t feel like we was back together.
It felt like two people with too much history had found themselves in the same place at the same time and let old habits take over.
I knew what it was before we even left Drahma Town, but knowin’ the truth didn’t stop me from wishin’ it meant more.
I turned toward him and let my fingers move over his beard. The hair was soft beneath my fingertips, and I rubbed along his cheek while I looked at his face. Renza had always been handsome, but somethin’ about seein’ him this close again made my chest hurt.
I should’ve kept my baby…
That thought had been followin’ me for months, and every time I tried to push it away, it came back stronger.
I had been so sure about what I wanted when I made the decision, or at least I convinced myself I was.
I was angry, hurt and tired of feelin’ like Renza could do whatever the hell he wanted while I had to deal with the pieces afterward.
At the time, endin’ the pregnancy felt like me takin’ control of my life.
Now all I could think about was how different shit might’ve been if I had slowed down and let us work through it.
Renza wasn’t perfect, and I wasn’t either.
We had both done things that made our relationship harder than it needed to be, but I knew where I went wrong.
My mouth had ruined more moments than I could count, and I had pushed him every time I felt like I wasn’t gettin’ my way.
Back then, I thought he would always come back.
Renza had spent so much time lovin’ me through my worst moments that I started actin’ like there wasn’t no limit to how much shit he would take.
I could say whatever I wanted, slam doors, hang up in his face and still expect him to pull up later with food, wine or whatever else he thought would calm me down. He wasn’t doin’ that shit no more.
I leaned over and pressed a soft kiss to his lips before pullin’ back. Renza shifted under the sheet, and his brows moved slightly before his eyes finally opened. He looked at me without sayin’ anything at first, like he was tryin’ to remember where he was.
I watched him wake all the way up before I gave him a quick smile.
“Mornin’,” I said softly.
“Mornin’,” he replied, his voice rough from sleep.
And that was it…
There wasn’t no good mornin’, baby. No arm pullin’ me against his chest and no sleepy kiss against my forehead while he told me to come closer.
He rubbed one hand over his face, pushed the sheet away and sat up on the edge of the bed. I watched the muscles in his back move while he stood and headed toward the bathroom without lookin’ back at me.
The bathroom door closed behind him, and I sat here with the sheet pulled over my chest while the disappointment settled deeper than it should’ve.
I knew better than to expect the old Renza after one night together. I knew sleepin’ with him wasn’t goin’ to erase everything we had been through and it damn sure didn’t turn us back into the couple we used to be. Still, I wasn’t prepared for how normal he made leavin’ my bed look.
A couple minutes later, he came out of the bathroom and walked toward the clothes he left on the floor. He picked up his briefs first, and I couldn’t help but watch him.
He stood there completely naked like he wasn’t thinkin’ twice about it, and my eyes drifted over every inch of him.
His chest was still broad as hell, and his arms looked just as thick as I remembered, covered in tattoos that wrapped around his skin, makin’ him even sexier.
His stomach was cut with them same hard ass abs that always made me wanna run my hands over them, and his long legs looked just as strong, with thick calves and the dark hair that covered them.
Then my eyes stopped between his legs. His dick hung heavy while he reached down to step into his briefs, and for a second, I found myself rememberin’ exactly how he felt last night.
He slid the briefs up over his hips, and I stayed right where I was against the headboard, quiet as I watched him get dressed.
I didn’t say a word. I just pulled the sheet up a little higher over my body and kept my eyes on him while he reached for the rest of his clothes.
I tried to keep my face straight, but this shit wasn’t sittin’ right with me.
“You been sleepin’ with other people?” I asked flat out.
Renza stopped with his pants in his hands and looked toward me. His expression wasn’t mad, but I could tell he didn’t expect me to come out with that question this early.
“If you was sleepin’ with somebody right now, I wouldn’t be askin’ you about it,” Renza answered before lookin’ down and reaching for his pants again.
The words hit harder than I expected because there was a time when Renza would’ve lost his damn mind if he thought another man was anywhere near me.
I couldn’t even let a nigga speak too friendly without Renza watchin’ him like he was decidin’ how bad he wanted to hurt him.
Now he was standin’ in my bedroom tellin’ me he wouldn’t even ask.
“So you don’t care?” I asked while tryin’ to keep my voice from changin’.
Renza looked over at me again. “That ain’t what I said.”
“It sound like it.”
“I said I wouldn’t question you about it,” he replied. “We ain’t together, Reni. I can’t sit here askin’ who you fuckin’ when I ain’t yo’ man.”
I looked down at the sheet in my lap and rubbed my fingers across the fabric. “You ain’t gotta keep remindin’ me.”
“You asked me a question,” he said, and his tone stayed calm. “I answered it.”
“I asked if you been sleepin’ with other people.”
“And I asked why it matter.”
I lifted my eyes toward him. “It matter to me.”
Renza stood there with his pants still in his hands while he looked at me. He didn’t seem irritated, but there was a distance in his face that made me feel stupid for bringin’ the shit up.
I looked away before the emotion in my eyes gave me away. “Never mind.”
“Nah, don’t do that,” Renza told me. “You asked, so say whatever you tryna say.”
“I’m tryna say nothin’,” I replied while pullin’ the sheet tighter around me. “I just asked a question.”
“You never just ask questions,” he said. “It’s always some shit behind it.”
Normally, I would’ve snapped on him for that. I would’ve asked why he was makin’ it seem like I was the problem or reminded him about every fucked up thing he had ever done. This time, I stayed quiet because I knew he wasn’t completely wrong.
I was askin’ because I wanted to know if there is somebody else.
I wanted to know if last night meant anything to him or if I was just somebody familiar he could spend a few hours with. I wanted to know if he still thought about me when we wasn’t around each other, but I didn’t know how to ask any of that without soundin’ like I was beggin’ him to choose me.
Renza started pullin’ his pants on, and the tears came before I could stop them. My eyes started burnin’, and I wiped at them fast because the last thing I wanted was for him to pity me.
I turned my face away, hopin’ he wouldn’t notice, but Renza had always noticed too much when it came to me.
He sighed and let his pants fall back toward the floor before walkin’ over to the bed. The mattress dipped when he sat next to me, and for a few seconds, neither one of us said anything.
“Reni,” he said, his voice softer now.
“I’m good,” I told him while wipin’ another tear from my face.
“You cryin’, but you good?”
“I said I’m good.”
“I ain’t tryna do this fightin’ shit with you,” Renza said while rubbin’ his hand over my arm. “That’s not what I came over here for.”
“I’m not fightin’ with you.”
“You askin’ questions, gettin’ mad at the answers and cryin’ when I don’t say what you want me to say,” he replied. “That’s how our shit always used to start.”
I swallowed and looked down at my hands. “I ain’t mad.”
“You hurt,” Renza corrected me. “That’s different.”
The fact that he could still read me made the tears fall harder. I wiped them again and tried to pull myself together because I hated feelin’ this exposed in front of him.