18. Renaissance Harper #2
Renza rubbed his hand down his face before lookin’ toward me. “I ain’t tryna go through all that shit we used to go through. We already did enough damage to each other, and I don’t wanna wake up right back in the same place.”
“I know,” I whispered.
“And I know why you askin’ me if I been fuckin’ somebody else. Them condoms wasn’t me tryna disrespect you,” he continued. “I ain’t tryna put us back in another situation we ain’t ready for. We already been through that shit once, and I don’t wanna go through it again.”
The way he said it made my stomach twist.
I knew the abortion had affected him, even though Renza never sat down and told me exactly how.
He had been there, and I knew what he saw didn’t leave his head when he walked out of my condo.
Still, hearin’ him say he didn’t wanna go through it again reminded me that I wasn’t the only person who had to live with what happened.
“I shouldn’t have done it,” I said before I could stop myself.
Renza went quiet beside me…
I looked down at the sheet while the words kept comin’. “I should’ve kept the baby and let us figure the shit out. I was mad, and I thought makin’ that choice would make everything easier, but it didn’t.”
Renza stared toward the other side of the room for a long moment. His face changed, but I couldn’t tell exactly what he was thinkin’.
“I ain’t askin’ you to go back and change nothin’,” he finally said. “You can’t.”
“I know I can’t,” I replied. “That don’t mean I don’t regret it.”
He nodded slowly, but he didn’t say anything else about it.
I wiped my face again and turned slightly toward him. “I miss you, Renza.”
His eyes moved to mine.
“I miss us,” I continued. “I’m not stupid enough to think one night mean we back together, and I’m not askin’ you to move in or act like nothin’ happened. I just wanna know if we can work toward somethin’.”
Renza leaned his head back against the headboard and looked toward the ceiling for a second before bringin’ his eyes back to me.
“It don’t gotta be right now,” I told him. “I know I got shit I need to work on, and I know you do too. I’m just askin’ if we can try.”
Renza stayed quiet long enough for my chest to start hurtin’ again.
“I’m always gon’ care about you,” he said. “That ain’t gone nowhere.”
“But?”
“But right now, I ain’t tryna be tied down,” he answered. “I ain’t tryna promise you some shit when I don’t know if I’m ready to be back in a relationship.”
I nodded even though it felt like he had pushed something sharp through me. At least he wasn’t lyin’ to make me feel better. Renza had always been honest, even when the truth wasn’t what I wanted.
We sat here for a minute, and I tried to leave it alone. I really did.
“Have you been with somebody?” I asked again.
Renza turned his head and looked at me. “Do it matter?”
“I just wanna know.”
“You sure?”
“Yes,” I replied, even though the answer scared me.
He watched me for another second before finally noddin’. “Yeah, I have.”
The truth stung worse than I thought it would.
I swallowed hard and looked away from him before my face gave me away again.
The old me would’ve demanded a name, asked where they met and probably started accusin’ him of talkin’ to her while we was still together.
I would’ve turned one answer into a whole damn investigation until both of us was yellin’. This time, I only nodded.
“Okay,” I said low.
Renza watched me from the side. “You kept askin’. I wasn’t finna lie to you.”
“I know.”
“That’s why I ain’t wanna answer the shit,” he told me. “You wanted the truth, but now you sittin’ here hurt.”
“I said okay, Renza.”
“And I know you,” he replied. “You sayin’ okay don’t mean you okay.”
I looked down at my hands and pressed my lips together because I didn’t trust myself to say anything else. Whoever she was, she had got the version of Renza I still wanted. That was the part that hurt more than the thought of them sleepin’ together.
For the next few minutes, neither one of us spoke.
We sat side by side in the bed with the truth between us, and I tried to accept that the man beside me wasn’t mine anymore. He still cared, and I could feel that, but care wasn’t the same thing as love the way he used to give it to me.
Eventually, Renza leaned toward me and kissed the side of my face. His lips stayed there for a second before he pulled back.
“I gotta go handle some shit,” he told me. “I’mma hit you later today.”
I looked into his eyes, tryin’ to figure out if he meant it or if he was only sayin’ it because I had been cryin’. “You sure?”
“If I say I’m gon’ hit you, that’s what I’m gon’ do,” Renza replied.
I wanted to believe him, so I nodded.
He climbed out the bed again and started gettin’ dressed while I sat here watchin’ him. My emotions was still all over the place, but I held them in because I ain’t want the last thing he remembered about this mornin’ to be me fallin’ apart.
Once Renza had his shirt and shoes on, he picked up his phone and keys before turnin’ toward me.
“You gon’ at least walk me to the door?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I answered.
I got out the bed and grabbed my silk robe from the chair. After slidin’ my arms through it, I tied it around my waist and followed him through the condo.
Neither one of us said much on the way to the front door. Renza reached for the handle, opened it and then turned back toward me before steppin’ outside. For a second, we only looked at each other. Then he wrapped both arms around me and pulled me against his chest.
The hug surprised me because it felt closer to the ones he used to give me.
His arms held me firm, and his face rested near the side of my head while I wrapped mine around his waist. There wasn’t nothin’ cold about it, and for these few seconds, I let myself believe there was still something between us worth savin’.
Renza pulled back and looked down at me before rubbing his hand over my arm.
“I’mma call you,” he said.
“Okay,” I replied.
He stepped through the doorway, and I stood here watchin’ him walk away until he disappeared from view.
When I finally closed the door, I rested my back against it and shut my eyes.
I didn’t know if last night was the beginning of us findin’ our way back or only one more moment I was gon’ have to learn how to let go of. All I knew was Renza had walked back into my life for one night and left me missin’ him more than I did before.
Days later…
Today had been a long ass day, and I was emotionally and mentally exhausted. I had been movin’ around since a little after six this mornin’, and now it was damn near eight at night with me still sittin’ inside my car because I didn’t have enough energy to make myself walk into my own condo.
The last few days had been the same way.
I would wake up before my alarm, check every notification that came through while I was sleep and start answerin’ people before my feet even touched the floor.
By the time I brushed my teeth and got dressed, somebody already needed money, somebody at one of my businesses had a problem and one of my relatives had called me with some shit they decided I was the best person to handle.
Most mornings, I started at the funeral home because that job required a different part of me than everything else I did.
People trusted me to prepare their loved ones for the last time they would ever see them, and I never treated that like regular work.
I could be tired, irritated or dealin’ with my own shit, but the second I stepped into that room, none of it mattered because somebody’s family was dependin’ on me to make sure the person they loved looked peaceful.
That mornin’, I had worked on an older woman whose daughters brought in a picture of how she used to wear her hair.
They stood beside me explainin’ every little detail because they wanted her to look like herself, and I listened without rushin’ them even though my phone kept vibratin’ inside my pocket.
One daughter wanted her curls tighter around the face, while the other one kept askin’ me to smooth down one side because their mama hated when her hair looked too full.
I took my time and fixed everything they pointed out until both women started cryin’ because they said she finally looked like Mama again.
I held myself together while they thanked me, but once they left the room, I stood there starin’ at the woman for a few seconds longer than I needed to.
The sadness inside that place could follow a person home if they let it, and lately, it had been harder for me to leave it behind when I walked out the door.
Then, my manager at Renaissance Glam Studio called because one of the stylists had double-booked herself and another one decided she was too sick to come in after already confirmin’ six clients.
I had to move appointments around, refund two deposits and calm down a woman who acted like reschedulin’ her silk press was the worst thing anybody had ever done to her.
By the time I got to the salon, everybody had a question.
One stylist needed more color ordered, another one said the shampoo bowls had started drainin’ slow and the receptionist wanted to know if I approved somebody’s request to take off the followin’ Saturday.
I stood behind the front desk answering all of them while checkin’ the weekly numbers on the computer and tryin’ to figure out why our product sales was lower than the week before.
Owning a salon sounded cute until every broken chair, late employee and unhappy client became my problem.
I loved Renaissance Glam Studio, and I was proud that I had built a place where women could make real money while doin’ what they loved.
Still, some days I wanted to walk inside, sit down and let somebody else handle the shit without everybody turnin’ toward me like my name was the answer.
I barely made it into my office before my younger sister, Ryan called.