Chapter 18 Where Is My Mind? #2
The only thing I withheld from Mei was my relationship with Francesca. It was bigger than any words I had to explain it. Yet, what was there to tell? I couldn’t find a label that would stick on that tin — a secret affair? A romantic tryst? Or was it just sex?
I wanted more, but settled for all Francesca was prepared to give. Besides, she’d made it clear she didn’t want anyone else to know, which, coupled with her frequent coldness, made it feel like a dirty little secret that was best kept to myself.
Occasionally, Francesca surprised me with unsolicited affection, a subtle brush of skin on skin or a small sway into me as we walked across campus together, our bodies connecting, and sparks jumping with the illicit thrill.
One daring day, she slipped her hand into my pocket and gripped mine. Hope rose inside me at the openness of her gesture, but the bubble burst when a shaven-headed student in a studded leather jacket yelled out to us from across the quad. Francesca yanked her hand back and sprung away from me.
I paused to look around at the small group of students gathered in a clearing between two trees where they’d strung up a handmade flag — three words painted underneath a large pink triangle: Gay Liberation Front.
“Hey girls!” Leather Jacket hollered again as she crossed the quad towards us.
Francesca tugged my arm. “Come on.”
“Shall we see what she wants?” I asked, attempting a casual tone, though my heart pounded in my chest.
“No, we’re not like them,” Francesca hissed. “Stay away from them, or you’ll get a name for yourself.”
As Leather Jacket drew close, Francesca stormed off.
I turned and apologised to the warm-eyed girl now in front of me.
She smiled and handed me a flyer. “I just wanted to give you this. I thought you and your friend might be interested.”
I looked down at the flyer, which said Scrap Section 28 in a bold font over a pink triangle. Details of a protest march were printed underneath. Elation and mortification competed in a tug-of-war inside me because I’d been seen for who I was, Francesca too.
Leather Jacket gestured towards her group of friends. They were passing around a cigarette, laughter punctuating the words of their animated conversation. “We all need to stick together, you know. Those Tory bastards are taking away our rights.”
I managed to squeak out a “Yeah.”
“Anyway, I’d better get back. See you around, yeah?”
I nodded and watched her walk away with a confidence I wished I possessed.
I folded the flyer and tucked it into my pocket, in the space left by Francesca’s hand.
One drizzly afternoon, I returned from the library to find Francesca brooding on my bed, Robert Smith’s voice blaring through the headphones of my Walkman.
I shook the water off my umbrella into the hallway and dropped it by the door.
She must have heard me through the music, but she didn’t look around.
“Hey,” I said, loathing my face for lighting up at the sight of her.
She lay with her hands behind her head, her gaze fixed on the slow-growing damp spot on the ceiling; the same spot I often traced with my eyes, lying awake as she slept peacefully beside me. I stacked the library books on the desk.
The bedsprings creaked as I eased down next to her. She still hadn’t moved, but the muscle in her jaw twitched. I reached over and pressed Stop on the Walkman, and silence padded the space between us.
“What’s up?”
She didn’t answer, so I softly placed my hand on her chest, hoping to calm the rapid breaths puffing in and out of her. I opened my mouth to speak again, but she turned her head and beat me to it.
“Where were you?”
I frowned. “I was at the library. I told you I—”
“Yes, but who were you with?”
My brain slowly caught up.
“Mei.”
Francesca’s lips puckered in a pout.
“She’s my friend. We study together sometimes.” I shrugged. “It’s nice to have company other than you and Jeremy, especially because of how things are…” The last few words bristled out of me, but I didn’t want to argue with her. I was tired and cold and needed a hug.
Francesca narrowed her gaze as if she were trying to peer through me.
I bulged my eyes. “What’s the problem?”
“You haven’t mentioned this Mei character before.”
True. Instinct had prevented me from telling Francesca about my fledgling friendship, especially because of how it’d backfired the last time I’d let my two worlds collide.
“Haven’t I?” My throat tightened around the words, and I tried to adjust my pitch. “I’m sure you don’t tell me about all the people you chat to around campus.”
Francesca scoffed. “You know I don’t speak to anyone else. They’re all morons.”
I sighed and stood up, stripping off my damp sweatshirt. “Well, I am allowed to have other friends, Francesca. It’s not like you and Jeremy don’t make plans without me, is it?”
“Now you sound bitter. Are you doing this to spite me?” She sat up and swung her legs around. “I saw the way you two were looking at each other and laughing together like… giggling little girls.”
“What are you on about?” I held up my palms. “We hang out, drink coffee and study. That’s all.”
“How do you think it made me feel seeing you with someone else?” Her voice cracked slightly, and the sound caught me off guard. I moved towards her, and in an instant the mood shifted. She linked her arms around my waist, and I held her head against me.
“I told you, it isn’t like that. Mei’s my friend.”
I softly arched her head back and looked into her eyes, now swirling pools of insecurity.
Francesca’s sudden fragility was a new foothold.
“It’s you I’m fucking, isn’t it?” I grinned, daring to echo her words.
The words seemed to stoke a fire. Francesca stood and gripped my wrists as she smothered my mouth with ravenous kisses. With frantic hands, we peeled away clothes until there was nothing between us but heat and breath.