Chapter 19 Ever Fallen In Love
EVER FALLEN IN LOVE
In the spirit of openness, I made a few half-hearted offers to introduce Francesca to Mei. She always declined with a curled lip, and quiet relief coursed through me. I imagined it would’ve been like introducing a cat to a mouse and hoping all would end well.
My friendship with Mei had given my confidence a boost, and in some small way it seemed to have redressed the power balance between Francesca and me. She complained about it, but having to compete for my attention made her thirstier for it, as if a bite of jealousy made her hungrier for me.
Once again, I returned from my lecture to find her ensconced in my room, mum’s blanket draped around her shoulders, and my bunny slippers on her feet.
She was munching biscuits on my bed and flicking through a copy of NME.
As always, my heart squeezed at the sight of her, but I held my breath, waiting for the other boot to drop.
“I still don’t know why you choose to hang out with that foreign student when you could be spending time with me,” she said, not looking up.
I shucked off my coat and forced a levity I wasn’t feeling into my voice. “Her name is Mei, and you’re welcome to join us anytime.”
She peered over her magazine. “And you’d introduce me as what — your girlfriend?”
“My neighbour…my friend,” I said quickly. “You’re my friend. And that’s fine. I know you’re not comfortable with people knowing about us… yet.” I paused, letting the last word land, but she didn’t react to it, which I took as promising. “I thought you had plans anyway?”
Francesca sighed and flipped the page. “Jeremy’s working on his dissertation, or something equally dull. I didn’t fancy spending the afternoon in the library watching you flirt with her, so I came back here.”
I ignored the jab because it was better that way. “Don’t you have an assignment due?”
“I got an extension.”
I crawled up the bed, wriggling between her legs until I was able to duck my head under the magazine and peer up at her.
“What are you doing?” she huffed as if I were an unwelcome distraction.
“Giving you some attention.” I jutted my bottom lip in a mock pout and said in a baby voice, “You obviously got lonely without me around. You’re even wearing my bunnies that you so love to mock.”
“Oh, shut up!” The corners of her mouth twitched with a grin.
A soft moment stretched between us. I rested my head on her chest, enjoying the warmth of her, and realising that I was actually too tired to start anything. She lazily stroked her fingers through my hair.
“Do you fancy catching the train into the city tomorrow? We could go shopping. Jeremy took me to this little Italian place by the canal; we could go there for lunch after. My treat.”
I tried not to bristle at the mention of time she’d spent alone with Jeremy; it had been my choice to take a step back after all. They’d probably have included me otherwise. Probably.
“I can’t tomorrow. I’ve got a lecture in the morning, then Mei and I are—”
“Seriously?” She stiffened underneath me. “You’re choosing to spend your free time with her?”
The bedsprings creaked as I kneeled up between her knees. “You’ve only just suggested something. I’d already made plans.”
“And you’re choosing not to unmake them for me.”
Tension spiked in the air between us.
“Fine,” she said as if settling an internal debate. “Bring her along, too. You can introduce me as your neighbour, and the three of us will play nicely together. How does that sound?”
Awful. It sounded awful. I winced.
“I’m really sorry, but there’s this rally. Mei wanted to go, so I said I’d go with her. It’s a demonstration of solidarity with the Chinese students in Tiananmen Square—”
“Why do you care about the students in China?” Francesca shrugged.
“It’s about democracy and freedom of speech. You should care too.”
“Forget it, then.” She sat up, swung her legs around and left me alone with my thoughts, which quickly spiralled into regrets. Before long, the low bass of her music rumbled through the wall.
Francesca had never suggested an outing with just the two of us before. She was making an effort, and I’d brushed it aside. I’m such an idiot! Her dark mood would have set in like a storm, which I knew from experience was best to let rage and blow over.
I knocked on her door first thing the next morning. No answer came, so I tried the handle. Locked.
“Shit!”
Crouching down, I tore a sheet of paper from my pad and scribbled a quick note. It was too late to change plans with Mei, so I suggested Francesca meet me at the union after the rally.
I signed it with a kiss and stuffed it under her door.
Only a handful of the professor’s words filtered through my thoughts as I tried and failed to focus.
“Reduced prefrontal cortex activity…” Francesca’s eyes, as dark as a lake.
“A highly active amygdala…” The way her rage bubbled up and over.
“Increased levels of cortisol… butterflies… racing heart rate…” I’m in love with her.
Of course, I’m in love with her.
The epiphany had me scooping up my books and skipping down the stairs of the lecture theatre.
“Sorry, so sorry,” I said to the turned heads of my classmates.
“Is there somewhere more important you need to be, Miss Truscote?” The lecturer’s pale face was pinched with derision.
“Sorry, I just need to…” Find Francesca. I need to apologise for not putting her first. I dashed out and down the hallway, to where, I wasn’t sure.
To Jeremy’s. Yes, he might know where to find her.
Somewhere between cortisol and cortex, a frantic determination took root. I had to tell her. She needed to know. And it was time Jeremy knew what was going on too — what he’d been foolishly getting in the way of.
I love her. I want to be with her, properly. And I think she wants that too.
With my head down, I sped across campus towards Jeremy’s halls, charging through the icy rain that dotted my glasses. The biting cold stung my face and whipped strands of hair from my ponytail.
“Jeremy!” I shouted before I’d even reached the landing.
“Jeremy, have you seen Francesca?” I yelled to a row of closed doors. Even to my ears, my voice sounded overwrought. But this was important, no time for breath or composure. This couldn’t wait. I needed to make a frizzy-haired declaration to the girl I loved.
Besides, love isn’t perfectly groomed; love isn’t pretending you’re something you’re not.
A door creaked open and Jeremy’s head popped out, his ruddy cheeks even more flushed than usual. “Trusty? What are you doing here?”
I bounded towards him, but he retreated, pushing the door to and peering through the gap, but by then I’d already glimpsed his bare torso and tousled hair. A musky odour escaped his room as I drew closer.
“Oh!” I whispered, a smile cracking across my face. “You’ve got someone in there, haven’t you?”
“Er, just give me a sec.”
The door clicked to a close, and I leaned against the scuffed wall opposite, catching my breath. My heart felt too big as it bounced in my chest. Okay, maybe love does need a little composure.
The sound of muffled voices caught my ear. Jeremy shushed the other person. A moment later, he stepped into the hallway wearing a towel tied around his waist and a creased shirt, buttoned askew.
“I’m afraid you’ve caught me in a bit of a moment.” He scratched his neck.
“It’s okay.” I smiled. “I’m just looking for Francesca. Have you seen her?”
“Er…” His eyes flicked around. He settled his gaze on the wall behind me.
“I see your mind is elsewhere.” I laughed and knuckled his shoulder. He looked down at the spot I’d touched as if I’d burnt him.
“Look, Trusty… there’s something, I… well, I mean, we—”
“Wait…” A horrible sinking feeling took hold. “It’s her in there, isn’t it?”
Jeremy’s nod was almost imperceptible.
Blood rushed in my ears. I swallowed and shoved past him, the door handle in my hand, twisting and opening. My vision blurring at the edges before settling on her in his bed, wearing nothing but his bedsheets.
“Good morning, Catherine.” Her voice was cold and unapologetic, like I meant nothing to her and this should mean nothing to me. I was just a footnote in a bigger plot, an inconsequential comma in Francesca’s story.
No, no, no, no, no.
Bile burned in my throat as I caught the sweet scent of her mixed with the sour odour I’d noticed before — the smell, I realised, of sex.
I turned to leave, but Jeremy’s hands closed around my arms. His voice warped as he said, “Trusty, why don’t you sit down for a minute?”
Her laughter hit me like a sucker punch, and I tore myself from his grip, stumbling out the door.
“Catherine, come back. Let’s talk this over.” His voice; maybe hers? I couldn’t tell.
One foot falling over the other; tears streaming, blood rushing. Stairs, then air, finally air, but it was too much, too quick, and I was gulping in great big lungfuls until I was on my hands and knees vomiting the sludgy brown remnants of that morning’s tea and toast into a hedge.
Laughter burst from a passing group of students.
“Christ, it’s not even ten yet,” one of them said, followed by another bright burst of laughter, the sound dropping like a stone of mortification inside me. I wanted to crawl under the hedge, but I found my way to my feet.
In the brief time I’d been inside, wet snow had settled into a slushy blanket on the ground. It splashed up my legs, the burning cold soaking into my Dunlops as I ran between the skeleton trees across campus towards my halls.
Faces stared, laughed and blurred. I heard my name called more than once, but I couldn’t stop. My stomach ached with a sickening churn as bile clawed up my throat, threatening to escape and splatter a Jackson Pollock of puke over the fresh white canvas.
Brakes squealed, and someone shouted, “Look out!”
I whipped my head around, but it was too late.
Something blunt and hard slammed into my side, knocking the last of the wind from my lungs as it tipped me up, over and out.