Chapter 18 – Liam
18
LIAM
I caught Sophie red-handed, clutching a pair of red lace underwear, sparking thoughts I definitely shouldn’t entertain. What is it with this woman? I mean to be fair, I barged in on her and caught her off guard. She didn’t want me to notice what she was holding judging by how quickly her hands went behind her back. I can’t help it though; I love the fact that her cheeks got pink with embarrassment, and she couldn’t formulate sentences.
I’m sitting at the dinner table next to Lucy in the highchair when Sophie comes in. I can’t help but notice that she changed clothes. She has her wild wavy hair down around her shoulders again and she’s wearing a pair of tight black leggings and a tight T-shirt that shows off her petite shape. I find her insanely attractive, even though I know that is the absolute last thing I should be thinking at this moment. I imagine Ellie would be lecturing me about being a gentleman and not flirting if she knew what was going on in my head.
It’s more than that though, I am so curious about her and where she came from. Right now Sophie is nothing more than a neighbor, but maybe eventually she’ll be a friend.
“Uh… hi. Sorry. I hope you weren’t waiting for me,” Sophie says sheepishly as she pulls out her chair next to Ellie and across from me.
Ellie gets up and takes Sophie’s empty soup bowl over to the stove. She fills it to the brim with clam chowder and brings over a personal-sized bowl of oyster crackers for her to sprinkle on top. “Nonsense, darling,” she says as she puts the bowl in front of Sophie. “There are no rules in this house. You come when you’re ready.” She squeezes Sophie’s hand, and I can’t help but notice how happy Ellie seems to be to have people around her table again. This used to be me and Leah, most nights, before she left. Ellie would call one of us and say she cooked way too much food and could we come over and help her eat it. She used to always act like she did it accidentally, but we knew better. Ellie needed company, and we were more than happy to give it to her.
“So, Liam, as you can see, Sophie is officially a Cape May resident. Aren’t we just so happy to have her?” Ellie takes a big drink of water and then stands up hurriedly. “We need wine! We’ve got to toast to Sophie.” She rushes over to her liquor cabinet.
“Oh no, that’s really not necessary.” Sophie looks down at her hands, she looks embarrassed. “I mean, I appreciate it, Ellie, but I’m not here under the happiest of circumstances…” She stops talking and glances at me. I know she doesn’t want to elaborate.
Ellie walks back over with a bottle of red wine and three glasses and sets them down. She wipes her hands on her apron and smiles. “Okay then, we’ll just toast to new beginnings.” She pours the wine and hands us each a glass. Sophie and I meet each other’s gazes and hold our glasses up, waiting for Ellie’s cue. For some reason, my heart is racing with our eye contact.
“I am just so happy to have friends around my table. And whatever the circumstances that brought you here are, I just know you are in the right place. I feel it in my gut. This is where you are supposed to be right now. I know you don’t want a fuss made over you, so I won’t do that. To new beginnings.” Ellie holds her glass up and we all clink and take a sip. Her smile is contagious. Even Sophie has a small one working the corners of her lips.
“Here, here,” I say, taking another drink. I glance at Sophie again, but she won’t meet my eye this time. Her focus is on Lucy shoveling banana in her mouth. “Sophie, what do you do for a living?” I ask her, genuinely curious.
Sophie’s eyes widen and she looks surprised to be asked a direct question. She clears her throat. “I am a marriage and family therapist.” She takes a sip of wine. “I mean, I was. I just resigned actually, to move here.”
Ellie pats Sophie’s hand. “You are. You will figure things out, dear.” She gives her a reassuring smile.
“I guess so. I don’t really know what to do now. Luckily, I have a little bit of savings until I figure things out. I’ve always wanted to start my own therapy practice but if I start over, it’s really starting over. I don’t know anyone here. I don’t know how I’d even find patients.” Sophie shrugs. She doesn’t seem to be comfortable with the conversation, and I want to reach out and hold her hand. It’s a foreign feeling for me and I can’t say I hate it.
“Give yourself some grace, sweet pea. The right answer will come,” Ellie soothes. She is always the most optimistic. She looks at Sophie as if she can sense her discomfort with the subject matter, patting her hand. “And in the meantime, you do whatever you need to do to feel better.”
Sophie’s sudden display of vulnerability sparks something in me. “You know... I’ve picked up daily work with Danny for the foreseeable future. And I think I’ve taken advantage of Ellie quite enough… Maybe you’d like to be Lucy’s babysitter for the time being? I could pay you of course.” I blurt this out without even thinking about how this might embarrass her more or make her hate me more but when I meet her gaze, she’s smiling.
“I would love that.” She grins, and I get the feeling she genuinely means it. When I saw her with Lucy the other day, both of them looked content. Sophie is a natural with Lucy and it tugged at my heartstrings seeing it.
“So, I guess I’m out of a job, then?” Ellie scoffs playfully. “And why haven’t you ever paid me?” She kicks me under the table and laughs. I have a feeling she’s happy to give up her job to help Sophie, and I am happy to give Sophie something to do.
Where is this coming from?
“Sorry, El. I think Lucy likes Sophie better,” I tease.
“That is not true!” Sophie giggles—a bona fide giggle. “But I can’t start until Wednesday. Tomorrow I have some things to do. And Ellie and I can share the job, if you want?” Sophie looks at Ellie.
“Darling, there is nothing I’d love more.” Ellie picks up her soup bowl and slurps the rest of the soup and we all laugh.
* * *
Tuesday morning, I wake feeling refreshed. I slept soundly, and so did Lucy. Her rash is completely gone now, and I’m seeing solid glimpses of my happy baby girl again. I still haven’t heard from the doctor, but maybe it wasn’t too serious after all.
I take my time getting ready. I put Lucy in the highchair, cook us both some scrambled eggs, and toast myself a bagel. I sip my coffee slowly and listen to the birds chirp through my screen door while I watch Maggie sniff around the yard. I know I need to see Doc, but this morning I feel good, and I almost want to cancel it.
That’s the problem with battling demons though. I can have a good day, or a few good days, and think they’re gone. Then out of nowhere, they knock me on my ass again, leaving me feeling desolate. I have been here many times. The highs are really high, but the lows are lower than I ever imagined. I’m thankful to have Doc as a guide through these emotions, and it makes me emotional thinking about everything I have overcome.
By 8:30 a.m., I am ready to drop Lucy over at Ellie’s and head over to my appointment. I’m standing in the foyer attempting some small talk with Ellie, casually looking around when she cuts me off. “She’s not here, Liam. She left already.” She gives me a knowing smirk that embarrasses me.
I’m more than a little disappointed, I was hoping to catch a glimpse, but I can’t let Ellie see that. “What are you talking about?” I play dumb.
“Sophie. She left early this morning. She didn’t say where she was going, nor should you care.” Her lips are pursed as if in disapproval, but the faint twitch at the corner of her mouth betrays her. “I know what you’re thinking and it’s a bad idea.”
I hold up my hands. “Whoa there, Ellie. I’m not thinking anything,” I say defensively. “I am just curious, that’s all.”
Ellie raises an eyebrow, the ghost of a grin softening her otherwise serious expression. “Yeah well, curiosity killed the cat.” She takes Lucy from me and walks toward the kitchen. Calling over her shoulder she says, “I’ll let Sophie tell you about herself but forgive me when I say, you are the last thing that lovely girl needs.” Then I hear her chortle to herself because for some reason Ellie thinks she is hilarious.
I shake my head with a smirk, miming a silent “Oh really?” at her back. Challenge accepted. “Okay… I’ll be back in a couple of hours,” I call after her.
She turns her head just enough to cast a sidelong glance over her shoulder. “Stay out of trouble.” She winks and then she’s gone.
* * *
I decide to jog to my appointment. Ellie disguises her warning with jest, but I think she assumes I am after some tail, instead of just genuinely curious about Sophie. I get it. She’s trying to be protective, but honestly, it’s not like Ellie has seen me bring home multiple women. Sophie is nice . Sure, she’s also beautiful and if I am reading her correctly, a little broken, but she is warm and intriguing, and I can’t help but be curious.
I get to Doc’s office as he’s unlocking the front door and I catch him by surprise.
“Hey, Doc.” I grab the door behind him.
“Oh hi, Liam. Come on in. I don’t have any other appointments until 10 a.m. so Angie isn’t here yet.” He shuffles in and turns on the lights. He walks behind the counter and switches off the answering service on the desk phone. Then he goes into the single bathroom and comes back a moment later with a filled watering can and mills about hydrating the house plants. It’s like I’m watching Ellie’s counterpart. Finally, he puts the can back and turns to me. “Let’s go in my office, shall we?” he offers, and then turns toward the small hallway.
I follow him as he turns on his office light, opens the blinds, and cracks the window before sitting down behind his desk. Doc is a creature of habit. I’m observing him do the things he very likely does every morning, with the same thoughtful care. I can’t think of anything I do so methodically besides taking care of Lucy and going to the gym. I bet there’s a sense of calm in the consistency of it all. I plop on the couch and lean back, waiting for him to speak.
“How are you, Liam?” he asks me, his brow furrowing with concern.
“Today, I am okay,” I tell him. I wait for him to ask something else and when he doesn’t, I continue. “I guess I’ve been stressed lately because I’m having a lot of dreams about Cara.”
He nods and writes something down. “Mm-hmm…and what do the dreams entail?” He peers at me from behind his glasses.
“Usually, it’s us right before we get in my car the night she died. I am trying to convince her to do something else instead of going to the game. I try to keep her from getting in the car, but she always wins.” I rub my hands over my eyes and down my face.
“I see.” Doc makes another note on his paper.
“But this last dream was erratic,” I continue. “I was standing on my front steps, trying to convince her not to go to the game, and I saw what our life might have been like together if we skipped it. I saw us going to college, getting married, and then having a baby. I felt so happy in the dream that if I’d have woken up right then, I would have been thrilled. But then we were in my car leaving the hospital with our new baby. It was my old car so there was no passenger seat for the baby because Melanie was also there. We were back in the same spot the crash happened, the same music is playing, but a baby is crying in the background and I woke up to the sound of the crash. When I woke up, I was crying.” I shift my body so I am laying down on the couch now. Just recounting the dream was exhausting for me.
“These dreams are definitely stress-induced, Liam. I know you don’t want to be medicated but you need to reduce stress in your life. Tell me a bit about what you’re doing leading up to bedtime.” He looks at me expectantly. When I don’t immediately answer, he continues, “Just tell me what your nightly routine is after work.”
I cough to clear my throat. “Okay. I usually pick up Lucy, get home, and have a beer while I figure out some dinner. I feed us both. Lucy and I sometimes take Maggie for a walk when it’s a nice night. If we don’t get to do that, then I bathe Lucy and put her to bed. I have been having to rock her to sleep because she’s been under the weather. By then I’m usually exhausted. I have another beer, throw the ball for Maggie, and then pass out.” I rake my hands through my hair.
“Do you have a beer every night?” Doc asks, frowning as he scribbles on his clipboard.
I scratch my chin, awkwardly. “Usually,” I admit.
“More than one?” Doc raises his eyebrows.
“Yes. But no more than three. It’s just to unwind, Doc, not to get drunk. I can stop any time.” I fold my arms across my chest and cross my ankles.
“Okay, Liam, then I want you to stop. Or drastically cut back.” Doc cocks his head at me. “You’ll need to create an evening routine for yourself that signals that it’s time to calm down—without alcohol.”
I sigh, nodding my head, “I know.” The truth is, I’m just going through the motions some nights.
Doc scribbles something else on the paper before speaking again. “What else are you doing to manage your overall stress levels? I know you go to the gym regularly, but why don’t you try a meditation or yoga class downtown?” Doc puts his pen down and looks at me directly. “You’ll need to get a handle on this before it worsens.”
I groan. I know he is right. “The thing is, it isn’t every night that I’m having these dreams. It’s usually after a stressful day.”
“Okay, what was the trigger this time?” He leans back in his chair with his pen and clipboard expectantly.
I sit up and rest my elbows on my knees, covering my face with my hands before I talk. “This time… Well, it was a stressful weekend.” I fill Doc in on my Friday night, the ensuing argument with Sophie, and Lucy’s illness. Getting it off my chest helps a lot. I pinch the bridge of my nose and suck in a breath before I admit the next part. “And I cleared things up with Melanie. I let her know that we’re just friends and that’s all it will ever be.” I lay back down as the words tumble out of me. I forgot how exhausting talking about emotions is.
When I’m finished, Doc exhales. “Phew. Yes, that is a stressful weekend,” he agrees. He pushes his glasses back up on his nose. “How do you feel since you talked with Melanie?”
I hesitate. “Relieved…I think? She was just causing me so much extra stress. And I can’t give her what she’s after.”
“Which is what?” Doc asks me, as if he doesn’t already know. As if we haven’t gone back and forth on this a thousand times before.
“A serious relationship… I can’t do it. At least not with Melanie. Maybe with someone else someday but…” I shrug. Someone else. At this moment, a visual of Sophie with her bright smile and warm demeanor pops into my head. I shake my head to push it aside.
“After all this time and all of the things you have been through, why do you think you can’t be serious with someone?” Doc has asked me this question periodically throughout the years, and my answer has always been the same.
“I still have lingering guilt that I’m responsible for Cara’s death. Any time I think about being in a relationship, there’s a little voice in my head telling me I’m unworthy of love. And I have never loved Melanie. Sometimes on good days, I think I could love someone else, but it’s not Melanie for me.” I close my eyes and take a deep breath, sitting up.
Doc’s timer beeps on his desk. “Liam, there is a lot to unpack here. The bottom line is you do deserve love. You do. And you need to work backward to get to a place where maybe you can feel healthy enough to date someone, if that’s what you want. In the meantime, I’m giving you some homework.” He points his pen at me. “I want you to try a yoga class.”
I smirk at his mention of this, and he rolls his eyes. “You’d be surprised how much yoga can do for your mental state, Liam. And it’s gentle. It’s not you pushing yourself into fight-or-flight in the gym.”
I drop my hands in defeat. “Fine. I’ll try a yoga class. Anything else?”
“Yes. We need to get to a point where you can come to terms with the past. Whenever you have a dream that leaves you upset, I want you to write it down. I want you to give yourself a period of time—five, ten, fifteen minutes, whatever you think you need—to sit with the feelings. Then I want you to tell yourself you’re a good person, and I want you to move on with your day. Do you think that’s something you can do?”
“I’ll try,” I promise, letting out a breath. I stand up and start moving toward the door when the front door jingles, signaling that someone else has entered the office.
“Good. And Liam, same time next week.” He points and winks at me.
I groan as I walk out of his office. He yells after me, “Send my next patient in, will you? I don’t think Angie’s here yet.”
I am shocked when I enter the waiting room and see none other than Sophie sitting and flipping through a copy of Food I reach for her forearm and immediately electricity sizzles through me at the contact. “Sophie.” She doesn’t move out of my grasp, only meets my gaze. “I’ll see you later.”
She smiles politely. “Yeah.” I hold her arm for a second too long and when she draws it back, I immediately miss it. “Bye, Liam.” She walks quickly toward Doc’s office door, and I am left feeling like I lost something, but I don’t know what.