Chapter 19 – Sophie
19
SOPHIE
I ’m surprised to see Liam coming out of Dr. Stevens’s office. Surprised, and intrigued. This guy keeps getting more intriguing. Every time I see him draws me in before I even have time to prepare for the effect he has on me. He makes me feel out of control of my body. My physical reaction to him is reflexive and I forget how to behave like a functioning adult. I am bewitched.
And I want to know why he is here; I want to know all about him. The rational part of my brain knows it’s not a good idea. He has shown me his gruff side twice now, but both times he has redeemed himself. He completely surprised me the night after we met when he brought me food. I didn’t even think he noticed me that day. That was my first glimpse at the softness he tries desperately to hide.
He does something to me that I didn’t expect to feel for a man again so soon. The physical attraction is there, but it’s more than that. Liam looks at me in a way that makes my skin prick, leaving me feeling exposed but unafraid. It’s almost as if he can see my trauma and he seems to accept that it’s a part of me, at least right now. And yet, he irks me, because I find him brash one minute and endearing the next. I want to know him. I want to find out what makes him tick.
* * *
My appointment with Dr. Stevens went well, but I didn’t realize how exhausting it is to be the one doing most of the talking. I walk back to Ellie’s, say a quick hello to her and Lucy, and then excuse myself to take a shower and lie down for a bit. My mind is a swirl of things I need to decide and plans I need to make, but it’s overwhelming and I feel paralyzed.
I turn on the shower in my bathroom and while I wait for it to get hot, stare at myself in the mirror. I look tired, probably because I am. The past few months have been really hard. I had my last miscarriage in January, then I discovered James’ affair, and now my entire life is uprooted. Truth be told, my body has been under stress for years trying to get pregnant.
I step into the shower, let the hot water run over my head, and the tension begins to melt. It’s no wonder everything is catching up with me finally. I’m proud of myself for seeing Dr. Stevens. I truly believe I’ll find my footing again with his help.
After I filled him in on the events of the past week, we talked about what’s next. I told him how Liam offered me a job watching Lucy for him and that I’d be doing that for the time being. I explained to him that being with Lucy is healing for me because I worry I will never get to be a mother myself.
Dr. Stevens told me I should break my goals into short-term and long-term categories. If I’m planning to stay here for the foreseeable future, I should consider if I want to look for a job in the therapy field, take up a new hobby so I can start to build a social circle, and write down things that bring me joy. I can do all those, I think. As far as work goes, I can’t imagine being anything but a therapist, but I know I need to give myself time to heal, too.
My mind wanders to what Dr. Stevens said about building a social circle here in Cape May. The only people I’ve met so far are him, Ellie, Liam, and Lucy. I don’t even know how to go about making friends in this small town, but I do know that getting through hard times is easier to do with a support system.
I turn off the shower and towel off, letting my mind wander back to Liam. Maybe we could be friends. He doesn’t let them show often but he has let me see some of his vulnerabilities. I bet he has a story to tell.
I wander out to my room and dig around for something to wear, choosing a pair of leggings and a loose T-shirt. I twist my wet hair into a knot on the top of my head. Dr. Stevens suggested I try to find some things to do unrelated to a career that would make me feel good. It could be anything I wanted but should be something that I feel happy doing and occupies my mind so I am not focused on the hard parts of my life.
I try to think of things I enjoyed doing before my life took a drastic turn—the gym and working out, or any physical activity really. I have been trying to walk everywhere I can in Cape May because I know the movement is good for me, but I probably need more than that. I open my laptop and then Google, but instead of searching for local activities, I find myself wanting to Google Liam instead. I can’t get him out of my mind, and I am so curious why he was at Dr. Stevens’ office this morning.
Against my better judgment, I type in “Liam Harper Cape May, NJ” in the search bar. Several results pop up spanning from the last twenty years. My eyes widen as I scroll the headlines.
Local Artisan Designs Custom Artwork for Millionaire’s Beach House (6/31/21)
Local Artisan Promotes His Woodwork at Cape May Art Festival (4/14/22)
We Remember: 20th Anniversary of Teenage Car Crash Family & Friends Remember Cara Cote (9/15/20)
Celebration of Life Memorial to be Held for Lost Teen (10/1/00)
Two Car Crash Kills Teen Girl and Injures Two Others (9/16/00)
Driver of Fatal Crash Killing Teen Girl and Injuring Two Others is Sentenced (3/20/01)
I gasp, unsure where to click first. Poor Liam . I put my head in my hand and click on one of the tragic headlines. It’s from the major newspaper in the area called The Press of Atlantic City. As I read, the sting of tears pricks my eyes.
September 16, 2000
Lower Township - In an unexpected and horrific turn of events, a fatal car accident in Lower Township claimed the life of a 17-year-old girl and left two others injured. The accident occurred at the four-way intersection of Lincoln and Birch streets yesterday evening when a Dodge Ram pickup truck, driven by thirty-year-old Joseph Griffin, allegedly ran a stop sign at a high rate of speed. The victim of the accident has been identified as Cara Cote, a 17-year-old senior at Lower Cape May Regional High School. Cara was pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics. The loss of Cara has left friends, family, and community members grieving.
Two other individuals involved in the accident sustained non-life-threatening injuries. Liam Harper, 18, was driving and Melanie Glick, 17, was a rear passenger in the vehicle struck by Griffin's truck.
I sniffle and bat away a stray tear. I feel nauseous. Liam’s prickly exterior makes so much sense to me now. He suffered a major loss, and he was driving. He probably blames himself. My heart aches for him. I keep reading.
According to witnesses, Griffin's truck failed to stop at the four-way stop, leading to the crash.
“It wasn’t his fault,” I whisper to myself, using the back of my hand to wipe my cheeks.
The force of the impact was so severe that the Jaws of Life were required to extract the deceased. Police have noted that charges against Joseph Griffin are pending as investigations into the accident continue.
I exit the article, click on the next one from The Cape May Chronicle for the 20th anniversary, and scan it quickly. Friends and family talk about what a light Cara was. According to the article, she had a bright future as a soccer player and wanted to be a nurse. Her friends remember her as being very funny and always there when you needed someone. She was Melanie’s best friend and Liam’s girlfriend.
Melanie’s face comes to my mind as I connect the dots. Maybe this is why I got such a possessive vibe from her the night she went out with Liam. I also probably should stop thinking about Liam entirely considering he literally just took Melanie out on Friday.
The article is really nice, but I have to skim the sentiments from Cara’s parents and siblings because it’s more emotional than I can handle right now. I look for mention of Liam, but I don’t find anything until I get to the bottom where a footnote shocks me to my core:
Classmate Liam Harper, who was driving at the time of the accident, could not be reached for comment.
The articles leave me feeling somber. I cannot imagine being eighteen and having my world rocked like that. I want to run next door and throw my arms around him but clearly that would be weird. Unfortunately, now I can’t escape the feeling that I somehow invaded his privacy. There would be no other way for me to have found out about the accident and Liam’s involvement without Googling. I’m sure Ellie would never share that kind of information about him. The realization has me feeling gross and insensitive and I wish I could unlearn everything I just read. I guess the only thing I can do now is give Liam some grace.
I pick up my phone initially planning to text Claire and tell her what I’ve learned but instead, I type in Liam’s name.
Me: Hi… I’m sorry I couldn’t find my voice this morning. I didn’t expect to see you there.
It takes him a few minutes, but his reply is short and to the point, leaving me feeling worse than before.
Liam: It’s okay. We all have off mornings.
Me: Will we see you for dinner?
Liam: Not tonight, unfortunately. You good for Lucy tomorrow, though?
Me: Yes, definitely. Oh, and I heard you made Dr. Stevens’ tables. I love them.
Liam:
I decide not to say anything back. I don’t know him well, but maybe he isn’t a big texter. Either way, this text exchange didn’t go exactly as I had hoped. It’s probably just as well. I don’t need to be thinking about Liam as anything more than a temporary employer. I shut my laptop, toss my phone aside, and head downstairs. Maybe some Lucy snuggles will help lift this weight that has settled in my chest.
* * *
The next morning, I decide to put aside whatever preconceived notions I had about Liam Harper and do my best to be neighborly. I really enjoy my time with Lucy, and it’s important for me to stay on good terms with Liam.
Ellie has said that Liam comes early because construction starts at 7 a.m. I set my alarm for six and take my time with my appearance. There is something about putting on makeup and nice clothes that boosts my self-esteem. Since mine has been in the toilet lately, I resolve to make an effort to look good each day. I take my time and use my good body cream, and I choose jeans and a tank top for this spring day. I scrunch my hair into its natural waves and apply a little lip balm before jogging down the steps. Just as I reach the last step, the front door opens.
“Good morning!” Liam roars before he notices me standing there. When he sees me, he startles. “Oh. You’re right there.”
I smile. “I’m right here. Ready for Lucy.” I reach out to take her from his arms. “She looks like she’s feeling so much better.” Liam has tried to give her a Pebbles Flintstone hairstyle but she’s still wearing her pajamas with remnants of banana stuck to them.
“She is,” Liam nods. “I was so worried…” He stifles a cough. “But we made it through.”
I’m speechless for a moment, thinking about the articles I read yesterday and feeling my heart tug. It takes everything in me not to reach out for Liam and hug him. I shake off the urge. Silly girl. “Does she have clothes in her diaper bag? I can get her dressed. Is there a stroller somewhere if I want to take her for a walk?”
“Yes…plenty of outfits to choose from in there.” He gestures to the bag. “The stroller is on my front porch. Do you need me to get it down for you?” He turns toward the door.
I shake my head. “No, no. It should be fine. We’ll be fine, don’t worry.” I start to usher him out the door.
“Okay, well, I’ll be back at about three-thirty,” he says. He kisses Lucy on the side of the head. “Bye, Lulu. Be a good girl.” Then he meets my gaze and gives me a smile that makes my stomach flip. “Bye, Sophie. Thanks again.” And he pulls the door shut.
I have to fan myself after that conversation. “Woo!” I say to Lucy. “Your uncle is like a Greek god.”
From the kitchen, I hear Ellie bark out a laugh, and my face immediately reddens.
“He is quite handsome, isn’t he?” She giggles as if she knows that I must be embarrassed.
“You weren’t supposed to hear that!” I laugh as I walk into the kitchen. I bypass Ellie and set Lucy on the floor in the living room with some toys and books. “Besides, you can’t blame a girl for looking.”
Ellie nods her head in agreement. “No, that is for damn sure. But Liam is…well, he’s not really a relationship guy.” She pours two cups of coffee and sets them down at the table for us.
“What do you mean? What about Melanie?” I ask, fixing my coffee with cream and sugar.
“Oh, they’ve just been friends for years.” Ellie waves her hand in dismissal.
“Oh. That’s definitely not what I thought.” I swallow the hope I feel in response to this revelation. “I thought for sure they’d have been together for years.” I just assumed because of the articles I read, but I can’t let on to Ellie that I Googled Liam.
This changes things.
“On and off for years, I suppose. But this time it’s really off.” Ellie pulls out her chair and sits down. “Now, I have already said too much. What should we do with Lucy today?”
I want to laugh about how much Ellie knows but pretends she doesn’t. She seems like the lady you see in movies, always peering out her front window or listening to private conversations when people think they’re alone. She knows it all. She sees it all. She seems to be very proud of it too.