Chapter 22 – Liam
22
LIAM
A fter I say goodnight to Ellie and peek in at Lucy, I fall into bed, but I’m restless. It was nice to spend a little time with Ellie tonight. We haven’t spent an evening together without Lucy in a while and she seemed happy when I asked her to visit for a bit. In true Ellie form though, when I told her Sophie was at yoga too, she had to make sure she put a warning label on it for me.
Ellie means well; she doesn’t want to see me or Sophie get hurt. In some ways she is right, I am not in the right headspace to start a new relationship. Based on what Sophie has shared with me, neither is she.
That conversation with Ellie is why I kept it kosher when I got a flirty text from Sophie a little while later. It would have been very easy for me to take the conversation a step further, but I stopped myself. Being near her tonight did something to me that I haven’t felt in a long time, maybe ever. I just haven’t figured out what it means yet.
“Ugh,” I groan. My mind is jumbled with thoughts of Sophie, and I need to clear it. I prop my pillows up and reach for my phone, sleep eluding me. I go to my Perry Street Boys group text.
Me: Boys, let’s go out tomorrow night.
Jack: I’m in. Can wives come though because Steph isn’t going to deal with me being gone a second Saturday in a row.
Danny: Same. I’m in if Kristen can come.
Miles: Wives suck.
I laugh. Nothing like Miles chiming in. He got divorced about a year ago and since then has nothing nice to say about women and relationships.
Me: Fine, Miles, I’ll be your wingman.
Miles: Done. I’m in.
I fire off a quick text to Ellie asking if Lucy can sleep over at her house tomorrow night. I know I am asking a lot of her but tonight was only for about an hour and a half. If she says no, I’ll bail out, but I could really use a night with my friends. I try to convey that to Ellie in the text and she writes back almost immediately.
Ellie: What are neighbor grandmas for? So long as you stay out of trouble.
Me: No promises.
* * *
Saturday morning I decide I am going to be productive, especially if Ellie is helping me out again tonight. I wake up early and bring Lucy outside to Ellie’s front yard with me and set her on a blanket with some toys. She isn’t walking yet so I don’t have to worry about her going too far. I decided late last night to weed Ellie’s front garden. Once spring is really underway, she is usually outside doing it herself, but I couldn’t help noticing she hasn’t gotten to it yet. It’s only 8 a.m., and her house is quiet. I get right to work, yanking the dead stuff, and using a shovel for the stubborn ones. I glance at Lucy every few moments who is happy just looking at her books and toys, hanging out in the shade of Ellie’s weeping willow.
I’ve got a good number of weeds and branches cleared out and put in a pile when I hear Ellie’s front door open. I wipe the sweat from my brow, and look up to see Sophie, looking cute as ever in a pair of black biker shorts, and a tank top. She notices Lucy first and is making funny faces at her. “Are you out here by yourself, Lucy girl?” she coos.
“Hi,” I wave at her from the garden bed.
Hi,” she gives me a wave and jogs down the steps. “You’re working on Ellie’s garden, that’s so nice,” she gushes.
I stand up and dust off my hands on my old jeans. “Yeah, well, she does a lot for me, and I have convinced her to watch Lucy again tonight, so I want to do her a favor.” Then as an afterthought I add, “It’s Saturday night. I figured you might be busy…” Now I’m wondering if she actually is.
Sophie nods. “Got it. Well, that’s nice. Listen, I wanted to ask you… Since yoga isn’t your usual thing, is there a gym you belong to that you like? I think it’s time I get some regular exercise.”
“Yes, of course. I go to Local Fitness on the main strip, not far from where we were last night. You can probably walk there.” I point up the road. “If you wanted to wait for me, I could take you…” I trail off.
“Oh, no. I’ll be fine.” Sophie waves her hand. “You’ve got your hands full right now anyway.”
“If you’re sure,” I say, feeling desperate to spend time with her.
“Yep! I’m good,” she chirps enthusiastically. “I am going to go see about signing up then.” She turns and starts walking quickly away from me leaving me wondering what in the world is going on in her head.
* * *
A little while later, Ellie comes barreling down her front step. “Liam! I was going to do that,” she huffs. “I just haven’t gotten to it yet.” She bends down to pick up Lucy and for a moment I think how grateful I am to have this relationship. I think Ellie must be grateful too. It’s amazing how natural it is for her to love on me and Lucy. We’re the children she never got to have herself, and she loves nurturing us.
“I know, El.” I stand up from my position on the opposite side. “I just wanted to do something nice for you since you have been taking great care of literally everyone lately. Now it’ll be ready for you if you want to go get some new flowers.”
Ellie hugs Lucy and plants a kiss on the side of her head since I’m filthy. “Oh, Liam! Thank you. That means so much to me.”
I wink at her. “You got it.”
“How about I take Lucy inside for a bit? It’s getting warm out here and I am betting you didn’t think to put any sunscreen on her.” She gives me a knowing look, but the corners of her mouth curl up into a smirk.
A light breeze blows through the yard, and it makes Lucy giggle. Ellie and I smile at Lucy and then at each other. It’s the first time in a while that I am feeling optimistic. I know with Ellie’s love and support, Lucy and I will always be okay. It hurts me on some level that my own parents don’t reach out to me to see how we are doing. In some ways, I think my pain caused them so much pain that they don’t know how to look at me anymore. Losing Leah was the icing on the cake, and it’s just too hard for them to be close to Lucy and me. I wish it were different but I am so thankful for Ellie and my friends here.
“She seems to like it out here, but if you miss her company, you’re welcome to take her.” I steer the wheelbarrow full of topsoil and dump some in my now weeded garden bed. Then I get on my hands and knees to spread it.
“I think I’ll just take her in for a little while. I would hate for her to crawl away and you to miss it.” She stares at me, looking for my reaction.
I roll my eyes and smirk at her, “Ellie, I’m not going to let my toddler crawl away and somehow miss it,” I laugh. “Glad to see you have so much faith in me though.”
Ellie starts to walk back inside and then whirls around again. “Where is it you’re going tonight?” She cocks her head curiously at me.
I stand up, dusting my hands off on my jeans. “Probably just The Rusty Nail.” I raise my eyebrows with a slight uncertain tilt of my head. “It won’t be anything crazy,” I assure her.
Ellie looks like she wants to say something but then she closes her mouth, hesitating.
“Did you have something you wanted to add?” I bite back a smile. “You look like there is something you’re not saying,” I smirk, raising my hands innocently.
“It’s just… What did Doc say about alcohol and your stress levels?” Ellie winces as she says it and shifts Lucy to her other hip. Lucy pats Ellie’s cheek, cooing, and Ellie smiles down at her.
I’m quiet for a moment. I know she’s right. I shouldn’t be going out drinking when the nightmares are back and I’m under so much stress. I suck in a breath and nod. “Yeah. You’re right. He did,” I pause. “I just want to hang out with the guys a little.” I chew on my lip thoughtfully.
“You can go out and not drink, Liam,” Ellie says as if it’s the most obvious thing ever. “Go listen to the music and see your friends but hold back on the drinking.” She pauses and then, “It’s the only thing that is going to make it better right now,” she says quietly.
I groan and drag my filthy garden hand down my face. “You’re right. I’ll think about it,” I promise.
“Please do.” She gives me a smile over her shoulder as she walks away singing a song with Lucy’s name in it.
The thing is, she’s not wrong. I want the nightmares to stop, and I want to move forward in my life. For the first time, I want to get to a place where I can be in a relationship. Not just for me, but for Lucy too. I’m still not entirely convinced that I deserve it, but I know improving my well-being is the best way to get there.
I just have to prove it to myself.