Chapter 29 – Sophie
29
SOPHIE
H aving Claire here has improved my mood dramatically. It’s been a challenge jumping from an old life to a new life and even though I really like everyone I have met here, Claire and Derek are my people. They are in my corner. They know me well and they love me hard.
“I am so surprised to see you,” I say as we plop down on a beach blanket and settle in to relax.
“It was all Claire’s idea,” Derek grins. “She misses you.”
Claire leans into my shoulder and rests her head against mine. “I do,” she says, wrapping me into a squeeze.
I am surprised to feel the sting of tears, once again. I don’t know why it surprises me so much because all I have been doing is crying lately. After I left Liam last night, I cried myself to sleep. I am sure he is taking my cold shoulder personally, and I feel awful about that.
I loved kissing him. I have been wanting to since the day I met him. His scratchy beard on my lips was everything I imagined and so much more. But it’s complicated, and seeing James and Brittany—seeing that ring on her finger—it wrecked me. I can’t just come here, pretend everything’s fine, and this is my life now. James was my life. I really saw us having a family and growing old together. To see him planning to do that with someone else all but destroyed me. I need to explain this to Liam so he doesn’t take offense to my mood swings. I loved kissing him, but I’m scared. What if he dumps me like he dumped Melanie? I can’t take another bruise to my heart. When I meet Claire’s gaze, she is concerned.
“Sophie, what’s wrong?” She squeezes me tighter.
“Nothing,” I shrug. “Everything.” I throw myself back on the blanket, thankful for the overcast sky. “I don’t know where to start.”
Reading the room, Derek stands up. “I’m going to go feel the water,” he says awkwardly. No one answers him.
Claire lays back next to me and leans on her elbow facing me. “Just start.”
I take a deep breath and tell her about my weekly yoga, how much I enjoy Liam’s company, and how, in many ways, he and Lucy are bringing me back to life. I tell her how we get a smoothie after each yoga class, using the time to really get to know each other. Then I tell her about James and Brittany and how Liam handled my tears last night with such gentle compassion. And that I might be falling in love with him. Then I shake my head because that sounds crazy to be falling in love with someone else so soon. Claire listens intently the whole time and when I finish, I realize I have been crying yet again. I lay back with my hands behind my head and sniffle.
“James sure is a douche canoe,” she says, looking at me with complete seriousness. We both explode into a fit of laughter just as Derek is walking back up toward us.
“Is it safe to come back?” He treads lightly in the gentle way that Derek does. I would have said this about James, even three months ago, but Derek really is an awesome husband. He knows exactly what Claire needs and by extension, her best friend too.
We sit up and I motion for him to come back, but Claire isn’t finished discussing. “So, do you think Liam is as into you as you are into him?” she asks. “He certainly has shown you a lot of care these past few weeks.”
“That guy that was at Ellie’s?” Derek interrupts.
I sniffle and nod my head.
“That guy is in deep, man,” Derek makes a face that says, “Hello, are you blind?”
Claire juts her thumb in Derek’s direction. “There you have it, a real man’s opinion.”
“You think so?” I ask, feeling hopeful. I wasn’t super warm to Liam all morning. What if I already ruined things?
“Oh yeah. He’s head over heels,” Derek says, nodding. “He couldn’t stop looking at you the entire time we drank our coffee.”
I hug my knees to my chest, mulling this over. Maybe I didn’t ruin it after all. Maybe I am the girl that Liam can see himself settling down with. “He’s got baggage though,” I tell them, doubtfully.
“Whatever it is, it’s not worrying him. Trust me.” Derek says emphatically.
“He does have baggage though. You know, the accident.” Claire nudges me. “I Googled him like I told you I would.” She looks proud of herself. I ignore it.
“He definitely keeps himself guarded, but he’s let me see some glimpses. I know he’s a good guy.” I bat at a tear threatening to fall again. “But is it too soon?” I ask, worried they will judge me for wanting someone other than my ex-husband.
Claire makes an incredulous face. “Too soon? Was it too soon for James to get engaged?” She whips her red hair over her shoulder. “Absolutely not, girl. You go get yours.”
I don’t say anything else for a few moments and we sit together looking at the waves crashing. I’m lost in thoughts of Liam and his lingering lips.
Claire nudges me. “Can we go for a dip?”
And just like we did during that early April weekend visit, we charge for the icy waves.
* * *
Ellie’s barbecue is in full swing. Guests are settling on her back deck enjoying a summer breeze cocktail that Claire insisted we make as our contribution. The older kids are playing with Lucy in the grass, trying to get her to walk, Liam is grilling down on the patio and Maggie is sitting at his side waiting for him to drop a hot dog. It feels like home. I walk out onto the deck with a tray of glasses and another pitcher of drinks that Claire prepared. I am sure they’re dangerous because they’re pink and full of fruit, vodka, and I’m not sure what else.
Sitting around the table on the deck are Ellie, Dr. Stevens (I still can’t call him Robert), Claire, Derek, Steph, and Jack. Hanging on the patio and keeping an eye on their kids are Danny and Kristen. Miles and Melanie are there too, and I think I sense a bit of flirtation between them that fills me with relief. The conversation is flowing easily, and everyone is enjoying the appetizers Ellie made and the light breeze. Dr. Stevens is talking to us about retiring this year, and I am definitely not mistaken when I catch him giving Ellie a few sidelong glances. Ellie doesn’t let on to anything. I know they are great friends, but I may be detecting a little more.
I’m certain no one in this group besides Liam and I, and now Claire and Derek know about our kiss last night, and I have purposely been steering clear of Liam so as not to let on to anything. Claire thinks all anyone has to do is see us interacting with each other to pick up on how smitten we are. I definitely can’t give any clues to anyone until Liam and I have had a chance to figure things out. I don’t even know where his head is at. For all I know, he’s had enough of my bullshit. There’s also the fact that he said he’s never been in a serious relationship. Part of me thinks there has got to be more to that, and of course, I want to find out. The other part of me wants to protect my heart and keep anyone away from me that could further fracture it.
I head down the steps and out onto the patio where Liam is moving some burgers from the grill to a plate. He takes a long pull of his water bottle and listens intently to a story Miles is telling. I can’t help but notice he isn’t drinking again.
I go over to check on Lucy, but I am half listening to the conversation. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Miles sling his arm over Melanie’s shoulder. Then I overhear him say, “I guess I’ll date Melanie since you wouldn’t let me have Sophie.”
My neck heats up and I look over at Liam who is very still. He appears to be caught off guard and now I know the best thing I can do is stay over here with the kids and pretend I have heard nothing.
“I guess I’m everyone’s second choice then,” Melanie snaps, but she doesn’t move out of Miles’ embrace. That’s a relief.
“Sophie and I are just friends,” I hear Liam say to Miles and Melanie, and then I feel the color drain from my face. Just friends. I’m sure Liam didn’t know I was there. He was distracted by the grill, but the comment still stings a little. I try to be inconspicuous as I walk quickly back up the steps to the deck. I catch Claire’s eye and hers widen in concern, but she doesn’t follow me.
Liam comes barreling after me. He puts the plate of burgers and hot dogs on the table in front of our guests and tells them to help themselves. I rush into the powder room and lock the door. He’s right outside the door, knocking softly. “Sophie,” he says firmly. “Open the door, Sophie.”
I turn on the water so I can muffle his voice and stare at myself in the mirror. I can’t cry anymore. The only thing I can do is put on a happy face and try to enjoy myself. For all I know, Liam was playing it cool, just like I was by avoiding him all afternoon. We both know we’re not just friends . I take a deep breath, splash some cold water on my face, and reach in the pocket of my jean shorts for my guava lip gloss. I am okay . I tell myself. But I know deep down, I’m not okay. Far from it. Good thing I have an appointment with Dr. Stevens tomorrow.
I’m about to open the door when I hear Claire approach from the other side. “You know there’s an upstairs bathroom, too,” she tells Liam, and he must retreat because a minute later she says, “Sophie, it’s me. Open up.”
I open the door and she wraps me in a hug.
Thank goodness for Claire.
* * *
The party wraps up without Liam and I ever saying two words to each other. It’s better that way. I parked myself next to Claire and Derek through dinner and dessert. The last of the guests leave by 8:30, Liam goes home to put Lucy to bed, and Ellie and Dr. Stevens go for a walk. Claire, Derek, and I are sitting on the deck, finishing the last of the wine when Liam saunters back over holding a baby monitor.
Derek nudges Claire. “I’m really tired babe. We’ve got a long drive tomorrow morning. Let’s go to bed.”
Claire looks at him suspiciously. “Go to bed? It’s 9:30.” He nudges her and she looks up to see Liam walking up the steps. “You know what? I’m tired too.” She stands quickly and turns to give me a big hug. She whispers in my ear, “Wake me if you need me.”
I smile and say goodnight. When I turn around, Liam is sitting in a chair at the table, his shoulders slumped and his brows furrowed. He looks forlorn.
“Sophie.” The way he says my name is unlike anything I’ve ever heard. He says it as if it’s the last word he will ever speak. “I don’t know what you heard that upset you. Whatever it is, I’m sorry.”
I sigh and plop down across from him. “You don’t owe me any explanations, Liam. After all, we’re just friends.”
The recognition on his face turns to shame. “Sophie, I just played it cool. I didn’t know what to say. We haven’t even talked about what is going on here.” He waves his hand back and forth between us. Then he leans closer to me, resting his elbows on his knees.
“Nothing’s going on, Liam,” I say, protecting my heart.
“Sophie. You know that’s not true,” he rasps. He reaches for my knee and rubs his thumb in tiny circles on the cap.
“Well, I don’t know Liam. You said it yourself; you’ve never done this before. My life is a mess. Maybe we should just forget it.” I get up out of my chair and walk down to the patio. I am feeling very exposed having such a candid conversation on the deck. Liam follows me, seemingly unwilling to let this go. I stop on the cottage stoop, remembering that I never checked for anything I may have left here.
“Sophie.” He catches my arm from behind me. “Stop running away from this.” He whirls me around to face him and there is pain in his expression, the cause of which I can’t detect. I search his face for a clue. “I haven’t done this before because I haven’t wanted to take a chance, and I didn’t think I deserved it. Until I met you.” He steps closer to me. “Sophie, I?—”
I hold up my hand. “Stop, Liam. Don’t say anything else.”
And then his lips are on mine, kissing me hungrily, first my mouth, then my jawline and my neck. Chills run up and down my spine when he finds his way back to my mouth. I sigh into his kiss, opening my lips for him. It’s like nothing I have ever felt before. His hands are moving from the back of my neck, up and down my sides. His hand finds the hem of my T-shirt, revealing my bare skin to stroke my hip bone. I wrap my arms around his back and I do the same, wanting desperately to feel the heat of his skin on my palms. He groans into my mouth and tries the handle to the cottage door—it’s locked. I take this as a sign and push away from the kiss.
He looks like I feel—hungry for more. “Liam,” I whimper.
He pulls me close again and buries his face in my neck. “Sophie, we’re so much more than friends.”