Chapter 30 – Liam
30
LIAM
W e’re interrupted by Ellie and Doc’s voices coming around back. Ellie clears her throat when she sees we’re standing outside the guest house.
“Oh, it’s just you two left?” she asks, raising her eyebrows in mock surprise.
“I forgot I left stuff in here, but it’s locked,” Sophie mutters awkwardly.
“Uh-huh.” Ellie smirks and digs a house key out of her purse. “Here’s the key.” She jangles it before tossing it to me. A slight upward curve of her lips telling me she knows exactly what’s going on here. She leans in and says, “We’re going to get started cleaning up.” She and Doc link arms and walk up the steps and into the house.
I hand the key to Sophie, and she unlocks the cottage door and walks in, flicking on the lights. I follow her like a lost puppy, hoping to continue our kiss. She turns to me, questions all over her face. “Liam, this isn’t a good idea.”
I pull her close so she can feel what she does to me. She wraps her arms around my back and lets me kiss her neck. “What’s not a good idea?” I whisper into her soft skin. “You can’t deny what’s between us.”
When she pulls back, her eyes are glistening and uncertain. “I know. I feel it too.” She murmurs. “But...” She runs her hands up my back and under my shirt. I’m sweating and my skin instantly cools at her touch.
“Sophie, just let me kiss you.” I pull her over to the teal sofa, knowing going to the bed is a bad idea. She sits with her legs up under her and faces me. I touch her face and pull her to me, kissing her softly, and then deeper. She doesn’t stop me. She kisses me back. Then she’s on my lap, straddling me and running her fingers through my hair. A groan escapes me and she counters it with a moan of her own. I know she can feel my dick hard for her between her warm thighs.
I kiss her neck and graze her skin beneath her shirt. I single-handedly lift my T-shirt over my head in one swift movement. She follows suit and then she leans back for me to kiss her chest and unclasp her bra. She slides her arms out of it, letting it fall to the floor and revealing her perfect breasts. Her nipples peak for me as I take one in my mouth and then the other. Sophie hisses in pleasure and directs my mouth back to hers.
I lift her off me and lay her down on the couch, towering over her with my hands on either side. My heart is hammering in my chest; I can’t remember the last time I was this nervous with a woman. Neither of us are speaking but we can’t stop looking at each other, searching each other’s faces for something. “Sophie, you are so beautiful,” I whisper. I lean down and kiss her again, she wraps her legs around my waist, trying to urge us closer together. We’re a mess of limbs and lust and I’m reaching for the button of her shorts when she sits up, putting some space between us.
“Liam, this is too much too fast,” she says, breathlessly. “I mean, I want it. Believe me, I want it. But we haven’t talked about any of this.”
“What’s the problem if we both want it?” I smirk, trying to lighten the mood that has suddenly turned tentative.
Sophie is quiet for a moment, chewing on her bottom lip. “I’m scared, Liam. My heart is just starting to heal. I don’t want to get hurt again.” She swallows and looks down at her hands. I don’t speak for a minute. She traces her fingertips around my collarbone.
“You think I don’t know how to be monogamous and I’m going to hurt you,” I mutter, feeling ashamed.
Sophie winces as if my words sting, but she doesn’t reply so I know I’m right. She reaches for her shirt and doesn’t put it on but covers herself.
“I’m not a playboy, Soph. I just guard my heart.” My voice is husky, brimming with emotion.
“Why, though? Why haven’t you been open to love before? You’re forty years old.” She scoots backward and further away from me.
I grimace. I guess we’re doing this, so I think about her question—one I have never been able to answer. Doc has asked me many times, especially lately, and I can’t give him a different answer. I scrub my hands down my face and then look at them because if I meet her eyes, she’ll undo me. “Because I don’t deserve it,” I say quietly.
Sophie narrows her eyes. “Who told you that? You don’t deserve it?”
I’m growing impatient because talking about feelings is not my style and Sophie is pushing me. “Please, just drop it, Sophie. We can take things slower,” I grumble, reaching for my own shirt and putting it on.
“No, Liam. I won’t drop it. I want to know you,” she presses. She moves to reach for me, but I get up and start pacing the room.
“Sophie, this . This is why I have never been in love. Because you can’t know me. If you knew all of me, you’d hate me,” I snarl. Sophie recoils at the brashness of my voice.
“Okay,” she speaks slowly. “Then I don’t know where that leaves us. I like you so much, Liam.” Her voice wavers. “If I can’t know all of you…then what?”
I shrug and drop my arms. I am suddenly exhausted and unexpectedly emotional. I don’t know how to handle what I am feeling for this beautiful broken creature in front of me. I’m panicking because I have never been able to say my feelings for a woman out loud. Not even Cara when we were just kids, and I wasn’t yet hardened from the world’s anguish. Sophie scares the hell out of me. She is so fragile herself right now, and I am emotionally volatile. It’s a terrible combination, and it won’t lead anywhere good.
A lump forms in my throat as I look at Sophie’s confused face. “I like you so much too, Soph. But I don’t think I can be the man that you need me to be for you.” I furrow my brow and look down at the floor because if I see her eyes fill up with tears, I will throw reason out the window. “I’m sorry, Sophie.” I grab my shirt and then I selfishly turn and walk out the door, leaving her dumbfounded.
* * *
I panicked. That’s the only way to explain it. As soon as I get back inside my house, I know what a mistake I’ve made. Sophie’s eyes were full of sadness and confusion and I hate myself for leaving her like that. Over the last eight weeks, Sophie has grown to be my best friend. Not because she has known me for years and knows everything about me, but because she doesn’t know everything about me. She makes me forget who I am and how I’ve hurt people. When I am with Sophie, I feel like someone else. The worst part about all of this is that when she finds out about the accident, she’s going to want nothing to do with me. It’s too bad I had to go and fall completely in love with her.
When people who don’t know me well hear that I don’t do relationships, they think it’s because I’m afraid of commitment or I don’t like monogamy. It’s the contrary. I would love to wake up to Sophie every day and build a life with her. I don’t feel that I deserve to, because Cara will never fall in love and that’s my fault. I am trying to redeem myself by taking care of Lucy and giving her a beautiful life. I know she deserves a mother but finding someone who will accept me for who I am is the hard part. I’m just not sure Sophie will. I also think she deserves someone so much better than me. She is brilliant and beautiful, caring, compassionate, loving. What am I? Broken and cynical. Grouchy. How could someone want to be with me?
Sophie does. A voice in my head keeps telling me, but I am just not sure. It’s unfair for me to keep going back and forth with her. Logically, I know that. When I’m around her, I have no control of my emotions and all I want to do is get as physically close to her as possible. She should be curling up in bed with me right now and instead, she’s probably crying alone in her bed. I am worried that I can’t guarantee that I’ll protect her heart, and she’ll get hurt by both James and me. I think that’s the part that is holding me back. I am a coward. I need to just sit down with her and tell her everything.
I climb into my bed and pick up my phone. No messages. I can’t resist sending her one though.
Me: I’m so sorry, Sophie.
Sophie: Me too, Liam. I know we could be great if you would let yourself see what I see…
Sophie: But I have to protect my heart.
Me: I understand. You don’t need my bullshit. Will you still be my friend?
She doesn’t answer the last text message, and a dull ache settles in my chest that I am not prepared for. An unfamiliar pain sears through me. Is this what it feels like to have your heart broken?
* * *
I am early for Doc the next morning. My chest hurts and I’m angry at myself and my heart is heavy with sorrow. But not because of anything we have ever discussed in therapy before. I’m afraid I have pushed Sophie completely away. Every mistake I’ve made is like a fresh wound that I keep pouring salt into.
I’m sitting on the stoop of Doc’s office at 8:53 a.m. when he strolls up, whistling happily and looking jovial. He senses the anguish on my face and his smile falls. “Liam, are you okay, son?” he asks as I stand and move so he can unlock the door.
I cough and clear my throat, following him into the office. “I think I fucked everything up.” My voice comes out hoarse.
“Come in, Liam. Let’s talk through it.” I must look really bad because Doc foregoes his usual tasks and walks right into his office, turning on the light and gesturing to the couch. “Have a seat.” He walks over to the window and opens the shades. Then he walks over to his water cooler and fills us both a cup of water. He hands me the water and then sits near me in an armchair. “What’s going on?”
I exhale loudly and slouch onto the couch. “It’s Sophie.”
“Ah,” Doc replies. “You know, Ellie and I thought we interrupted something last night.” He gives me a knowing smile.
“I think I’m in love with her,” I admit, rubbing my beard that I didn’t bother to clean up this morning. “Of course, I’m in love with her.”
Doc almost laughs and holds his hands up in a confused gesture. “What’s the problem, Liam? That’s great. You have never gotten here before.”
I groan. “It’s not great. I put a stop to everything because I panicked. I am so stupid. Sophie doesn’t know anything about me. I’ve let her tell me everything about herself and I’ve held back all the things that make me me . Once she finds out, she’ll hate me. I don’t deserve her.”
Doc doesn’t react because he’s heard me say all these things about love before, but that was when the woman was some arbitrary possibility. Now, she’s real. Sophie is a very real person with very real feelings. “Tell me, Liam. Why do you think you panicked? You are feeling these things which already means you’ve made so much progress.”
I shrug and am quiet for a moment as I try to articulate what I want to say. “I don’t know. I sometimes think I could take a chance and try it out. Be in a real relationship. But there are no guarantees, and I don’t want to hurt Sophie more than she is already hurting.” I lay back on the couch and squeeze my eyes closed. I have a headache from lack of sleep.
“See, this is progress, Liam. The very fact that you are thinking about Sophie in this scenario and not just yourself is progress. Progress is not linear. Some days you will make none and some days you may even go backwards. But you’re consistently trying to improve. There is just one thing you have left to do.” Doc pauses—he’s waiting for me to fill it in.
“What?” I ask, impatiently. I need someone to give me a relationship guidebook.
“Forgive yourself, Liam,” Doc says. “It’s as simple as that. You were just a kid. You did the right thing. You stopped at your stop sign and then you drove through it. It is not your fault that someone else ran theirs. It’s not your fault , son. It has taken you twenty-two years working with me to even admit that you want to be loved, and you still think you don’t deserve it. You do. You just have to forgive yourself.”
Hot tears prick my eyes and I sit up. I can count on one hand the number of times a session with Doc has made me cry. Angry? Yes. Rageful? Yes. Have I thrown things? Yes. Cried? Rarely. I sniffle and wipe my nose with the back of my hand and try to pretend it’s not happening, but Doc knows me like a father knows his son. He tosses me the tissue box like a football, and I catch it giving him a woeful smile. I blow my nose and then meet his eyes. “I don’t know how to do that.”
Doc nods his head. “I know you don’t but maybe if you allow yourself to fall in love, you’ll see that it’s okay for you to move forward with your life.” He pauses before he says the next part. “This next thing I’d like to say, as a friend to you and not as your doctor, if that’s okay?”
I shake my head and wait for him to continue.
“If you aren’t going to allow yourself to get serious with Sophie, then put some distance between you. Hurt people hurt people. You say you think you messed it up. I am sure all is not lost, but if you aren’t sure what you’re doing or what you want, I want you to take a step back and think about it. Part of growing is recognizing what is good for the people you care about, too. So just take some time to figure it out.” He reaches over and pats my knee in a fatherly way. “You’re going to be okay, kid.”
I hope he’s right.