Chapter 32
THIRTY-TWO
The drum in Joey’s head was still beating when dawn spilled through the curtains. They allowed Donal to feed them breakfast and several cups of coffee and arrived back at the city hospital with the headache reduced to a background throb.
“It’s mixed news.” The consultant clicked her pen as she re-read her notes. “He has some weakness in his left side, but he can have physical therapy to get his strength back up. Although considering where he lives, you’ll need to think about residential care. At least for now.”
“I live next door. I can take care of him.” Joey wrapped their arms around themself, mentally planning how to juggle their responsibilities. How could they have considered trying to include a life with Marianne and Denny, too? It had been selfish to even think of it.
“Joey, let’s look at the options.” Liam tried to take their hand, but they pulled away.
“I’ll be there for him,” they insisted.
The door swung open, and Doc Scott strode in. She walked straight up to the doctor and took the clipboard. “What’s the situation?”
The younger doctor’s expression went from shocked to flustered as she shuffled the papers and murmured to Doc, bringing her up to date.
Doc looked up and held Joey’s gaze. “You’re going to need to think about your dad’s choices. What’s best for him.”
“He’ll be okay at home. I’ll look after him.” Why did they have to keep repeating themself?
Doc passed the clipboard back and moved closer. “Is that what your dad wants? He’s talked with me before about his isolation. Have you had the conversation?”
Joey groaned. “No, he’s been sleeping. But what if he’s not in a condition to decide? Then it’s on me, right?”
“On all of us, Joey.” Liam’s calm tone didn’t slow the rushing of blood in their brain.
“Don’t keep running it around in your head until you’ve talked.” Doc’s voice sounded loud in the room and Joey’s head throbbed again.
“Joey, do you want to come and sit in the cafe for a while, and talk things through?” Doc’s gruff tone had been replaced with empathy.
“I’m fine. I’ll sit with him.” They pulled away and headed back to their dad’s bedside, surprised to find him awake.
“Hey, Dad, how are you feeling?” They lowered into the chair and grasped his hand.
He pulled away weakly. “I’m all right.” His speech was slurred, and Joey’s heart clenched to see him this frail.
“Where are the boys?”
“They’re with the doctors. They’ll be in soon.”
His obvious relief hurt, but Joey let it go. “Do you want them to get you anything?”
He shuffled his head on the pillow. “No, I want to talk to you all together.”
“Okay, they’ll be here soon.” Did he think he was dying?
Donal and Liam pushed through the curtain with cups in hand, and Joey let out their breath.
“Americanos all round. And tea for Dad.”
“Sit down, lads. I want to talk to you.”
The three of them shuffled around the cramped space until Joey was on the end of the bed and their brothers awkwardly shared the chair.
Joey stared into the depths of the inky black liquid and waited.
“I don’t want to go home.”
Joey almost gasped. Where had that come from? Neither Liam nor Donal showed surprise. Donal nodded slowly.
“Dad, it’s early days yet. You’ll feel better before you leave here, and we can get some changes made to your cottage. And I’ll be next door. It’ll be okay.”
“No.” Suddenly he didn’t sound so frail. “I was lonely before, when I could get about a little. I don’t want to be sitting in my chair all day, waiting for you to get around to seeing me.”
Joey didn’t miss the subtle jibe that he wasn’t their priority. “I always?—”
“It’s okay, Joey.” Donal placed a hand on their forearm. “Let’s hear what Dad has to say.”
They let out a long breath. “Sorry, Dad. What are you thinking?”
He picked at the sheet in front of him with his good hand. “I’ve been lonely for a long time. I talked to Doc about it, and she showed me a leaflet about the Seafarers’ Charity place, Saint Peter’s.”
“In Donegal? That’s a long way from home.” Joey couldn’t believe what they were hearing. Their dad had rarely left the county in his life. “I don’t think it would work.”
Donal squeezed their arm and Liam said, “Let’s talk it through, at least. Dad’s been paying into the union his whole working life. It’s affordable if he goes there.”
Joey squeezed the bridge of their nose and looked around at their family. “You knew about this?” And Doc had known, too. The disloyalty burned at the back of their throat.
Donal met their eye and glanced away. “Dad mentioned it the other day. We were going to talk it through with you when you got back.”
“I’m lonely.” Their dad dropped his head back to the pillow and closed his eyes.
“Why didn’t you talk to me? I ask you all the time how you’re doing.” The sinking feeling of letting their dad down was making it hard to think.
“Dad didn’t want to hurt your feelings.” Donal removed his grip as their dad reached out to Joey. They held his hand gently but firmly, reassured by the warmth, as if it was proof he was still alive.
“You’re a good girl, always were.”
Joey flinched inside at his wording but forced a smile onto their face. “We’ll do what’s best for you, Dad. You can decide.” They squeezed and let go. “But let’s get you better first, okay?”
He nodded slightly, but his eyes stayed closed.
Liam stood. “Shall we let Dad get some rest? I could do with a sleep, too.” He stretched his back, and Joey had a pang of guilt at forgetting he’d been there all night.
“You two go, I’ll stay in case Dad needs anything.” Donal waved away Joey’s attempt to object. “There’s no point us all hanging around. Don’t you have pots to check?”
He had a point. Someone would have to take the boat out and Liam needed some sleep. They would talk to Doc soon and work out the seafarers’ home situation, but at the moment they needed to be alone, to unpick this whole thing and get it straight in their head. Their life had gone from spending long hours of each day in their own company to spending all their free time with Marianne, and now their family surrounded them. Panic rose inside at the urgent need for solitude.
“Let’s get you home for some rest, Liam.” They stood and joined him at the curtain after giving their dad a kiss on his forehead. The sooner they could get out to sea, the sooner they’d find some peace.
The sea wind whipped the hair that hung under the edge of Joey’s woolen beanie as they dropped anchor out in the bay, far enough out no one could bother them. Standing in the prow of the boat, they stared back at the shape of Inishderry, looming on the horizon. At least their bangs were no longer getting in their eyes. Then their thoughts flitted back to why that was, and Joey’s chest tightened at the memory of Marianne’s kind gesture. It tightened a little more when they recalled their misinterpretation of her thoughtfulness. That was down to their own insecurities. If they continued to believe they weren’t good enough for anyone, they would prove themself right.
Marianne was the first lover Joey had ever had who hadn’t treated them like an oddity, or a vacation novelty, or run away the moment sex was over. She’d made them feel truly desired, exactly as they were. But that’s what had pulled them in and changed them forever.
The vibration of their cellphone cut through their musings, and they scrambled to extract it from beneath waterproof layers, dreading bad news from the hospital. But it was Tierney.
“Hey.” Despite their best efforts they didn’t manage to sound pleased about the call. They dipped back inside the wheelhouse away from the howl of the wind.
“I’m sorry. I was in two minds whether to call, but I was too worried about you.” She ended with a small gulp; an indication of just how emotional she was at this time in her pregnancy. Joey didn’t want to be the cause of her distress. They shut off the engine and sat down on the bench.
“Thank you. It’s good to know you care. But I’m doing fine. Dad’s going to be okay in time, and the boys are here with me.”
“Not just about your dad. Doc said he was doing much better. But…” Tierney trailed off.
How could anyone here on the island know about what had happened in Dublin?
“What, Tierney?”
“Marianne called. She was concerned, but didn’t want to keep texting you. She said you had a…disagreement before you left.”
Joey let a long sigh travel through the speaker.
“I’m not prying, Joey. I don’t need to know what it was about. I just wanna be here for you.”
Their throat tightened. They didn’t need pity at the moment. They needed to stay strong. But they weren’t going to take out their frustrations on Tierney, either.
“I know. And I love you for it, but I just need some time alone to process things, and then I’ll come find you.”
“Yes, of course. As long as you’re okay.” Tierney had regained some bounce to her tone.
“Speak to you later.” They hung up. It was reassuring their friends were there for them, but it might take a little time. What they really needed now was some good, hard solitary work surrounded by the elements. There was nothing better for clearing your mind of the chaos of life.