Chapter 34
THIRTY-FOUR
Joey wandered around the small yard at the back of their cottage. It didn’t contain much more than fishing equipment, a mountain of broken lobster creels and some abandoned DIY projects. They spent all their leisure time at the front of the cottage, on the deck overlooking the sea. But in the corner was a tarpaulin covering a project they’d been working on in their spare time for months. They pulled it back and looked at the perfectly finished parts of a wooden boat. They’d built it to sit in the garden of wherever Marianne decided she would finally settle, but they’d hoped to temporarily assemble it out front, where Denny could stand at the wheel and be the captain of his own vessel.
The tiny red wheel sat on top, and Joey recalled the time they’d spent finishing it perfectly so there’d be no splinters and the wheel would move easily in tiny, chubby hands. How naive had they been to dream they’d ever have a long-term place in Denny’s life?
Tears stung and they turned their frustrations to the heap of traps. One had escaped the pile, and Joey swung a boot at it and sent it flying to the top of the mound and beyond. “So fucking stupid.” It came out half yell and half sob.
“Poor creel. What did it ever do except serve you faithfully?”
The voice was unmistakable, and Joey turned in horror to see that their tantrum had been witnessed, not only by Doc, standing with her thumbs in her waistcoat, grinning inappropriately, but also Kasia and Tierney, who stood further back, concern furrowing their foreheads.
“What are you doing here? I’m busy.” They pushed past Doc, then moved more gently past Tierney.
Kasia’s hand wrapped around their elbow. “Hey. We care about you. You don’t get to brush us off.”
Her caring words made Joey’s eyes sting again. “I’m fine. Just got a load of work to do.” They tried to pull away, but Kasia wasn’t letting go.
“Come to the Waterside for dinner.”
“I’ve got food here, and I need to get over to the mainland. It’s my turn to spend the night at the hospital.”
Doc stepped forward. “Your dad is doing really well. Your brothers are coming back later for a proper night’s sleep, and I think you should stay, too. I’ll go in with you tomorrow.”
Joey internally withdrew from this caring interference in their life. What did any of them know about it?
“I’m fine, thank you. Go ahead and have dinner.”
Kasia sent a tiny flick of her head in Tierney’s direction. Tierney backed up. “Let’s wait in the car, Doc.”
Joey was surprised when Doc followed obediently but didn’t feel any less crowded by the now-singular concerned friend. Kasia steered them to a stump they used for chopping firewood. She sat and pulled them down with her.
“We’re your friends, Joey, and you have to let us in.”
“I’m okay. The stuff with Dad is a lot, and I need to focus on that.”
“I get that, but Marianne’s been back for a couple of days and she’s worried about you, too.”
Joey groaned. “Mari’s getting on with her life. You know she’s not staying, right? She was never here to stay.” They ground their knuckles into their eyes, willing themself not to cry.
“But you can talk things through. She’s found us a wonderful replacement head chef, but I’m not sure she’s fully decided what she’s doing next. Why don’t you call her?”
Joey lowered their head to avoid Kasia’s concern. “Why? So I can hear firsthand her big plans for heading back to Dublin?” The monster of a headache from the last few days threatened to raise its head once more.
“If that’s what she decides to do, don’t you want to hear it from her? But, like I said, I don’t think it’s a done deal. You have to talk. Tell her how you feel.”
They looked up. “Are you serious? How could she not know? I’m the poster child for wearing my heart on my sleeve. I couldn’t even hide my feelings when she was off-limits. You were always teasing me about it.”
Kasia stood and held out her hand, a gentle smile spreading across her face. “Joey, you’re the loveliest, kindest person I know. But you need to say the words, even if they don’t come easily.”
They rose and took her hand.
“Come and eat. We won’t grill you, I promise.” She led them to the front of the cottage where Tierney and Doc leaned on the roof of the car, chatting. They turned, Tierney with a grin, and Doc with a shake of the head.
“Why don’t I walk down there and meet you in a bit?” They took a step back.
Doc held open the car door and waved. “Get in, Joey.”
Through the anxiety about being questioned, they could feel the love from these friends. Being alone out on the boat had helped a little, but they didn’t want to be alone forever. They squeezed into the back of the tiny car Kasia and Tierney had been given by an elderly islander they’d helped out. Doc moved inside the other door. It was a tight fit.
“Sorry, I call automatic shotgun by needing a seat for two.” Tierney tipped her curly head back over the seat, grinning and clearly not sorry about anything.
Doc nudged Joey. “We’re good back here. I’ve never been so cosy since Majella left.”
Joey forced a smile, knowing Doc’s reference to her ex was meant to help. It didn’t, really.
Kasia gunned the engine and drove as quickly as was safe down the winding lane to the harbor.
Joey spilled out as soon as they pulled into the car park at the hotel. Doc was quickly at their elbow.
“How are you doing? Really. I know this is a social occasion, but I’m still your GP. Do you need to talk? Properly, at the surgery?”
Joey appreciated the question was delivered subtly, but they didn’t want to talk about how they were feeling. “I’m fine. Can we just eat?”
As they led the way into the Waterside, it occurred to them this might be a setup. They turned abruptly, dodged Doc and Tierney, and cornered Kasia as she approached.
“Is Mari working tonight? I don’t want to see her. Not now, anyway.” Their grip on her arm was too tight and they pulled back, embarrassed.
“I promise you, no one wants to ambush you, Joey. Marianne is in the kitchen, but she’s working.” Kasia wrapped an assuring arm around their waist, and they allowed themself to be led in.
Dinner was relaxed and calm, and Joey allowed themself to relax in good company. But they couldn’t help looking toward the kitchen door. How was Marianne doing? Who was looking after Denny tonight? For fuck’s sake. I can’t have it both ways.
Kasia leaned across as they finished their main courses. “If you want to have a quick chat, I’m sure Marianne could spare a few minutes.”
Joey threw her what they hoped was an angry glare. “Can we leave it for tonight? I’ll call her tomorrow, I promise.”
Kasia shrugged. “She’s got the day off. You could arrange to meet up.”
Doc nodded. “When we’ve been to the hospital, you can come back and take Marianne and Denny out for a picnic. Have they been to Inishkyle yet?”
Joey swung around to Doc. “Please stop planning cozy dates for us.” They stood. “I appreciate your concern, all of you. But I need to sort this out in my own way.” They strode to the bathroom and splashed water on their face for a minute until they felt calmer. Their friends meant well, but they couldn’t be pushed into seeing Mari without having thought through exactly what they wanted to say.
They dried their face and took a long breath as they stared at the mirror. Just go out, thank them for the meal and the company, and get out of there. The walk home will give me time to plan what I’ll say to Mari.
They pushed open the door and hurried past the kitchen entrance but slowed when they heard Mari’s voice from inside. Her even, capable tone as she directed her staff made Joey want to cry. As they registered her voice getting closer, all thoughts of acting like a normal person evaporated, and Joey turned and made a sprint for the back door out into the grounds of the Waterside.
They jogged toward the gate, taking the shoreline to be unseen from the restaurant windows. As they passed the cottage where Marianne had stayed, where they’d shared their first kiss, they wondered if they should ever have started this journey. Was there truly a way they could find some version of a future with Mari? Or was it a hopeless fantasy? They’d certainly never find out if they kept running away.