Chapter 36
THIRTY-SIX
Joey dried off Denny’s hands on their T-shirt and placed him on his feet. “Don’t pick up the sand. When we get back, I’ll find you a spade to dig.”
“Dig, dig,” shouted Denny and ran back toward his mama.
Joey stood for a moment, shading their eyes to see Marianne walk toward them. Their stomach clenched with feeling when she scrubbed her hand through her hair, her shoulders drooping. They didn’t want to cause her any distress. What had they even wanted from today? One last chance of a perfect day?
As soon as they talked, and Marianne mentioned leaving, the illusion would shatter, and the cold, harsh reality of losing Marianne, and being alone once more, would emerge. There’d be no going back.
But this was childish. And cruel to drag it out. They needed to face up to the future and accept it. They caught up with Denny before he reached Marianne and scooped him up as he shrieked. They swung him above their head and down low toward the sand. Denny wriggled and giggled until Joey handed him over to Mari.
“You spoil him. He’s coming to expect this level of entertainment continuously.” Marianne’s eyes held a glimmer of…was it sadness? Because it would soon be over. She put Denny back onto the sand and he immediately ran off again.
“Let him play.” She swung around and took Joey’s hands in hers. “Talk to me. Now.”
Joey looked around the beach. They’d been hoping to have this conversation back near the tower where they could retreat when things turned sad. But here they were in the middle of the expanse of sand with nowhere to hide.
Marianne released a hand, and cupped Joey’s chin, tilting it down so they had to look her in the eyes. The pale blue wasn’t icy today; it was soft like the sky on a warm summer’s day.
“What are you afraid of?” She shook her head. “No. What do you want?”
Her fingers traced Joey’s jawline and though Joey wanted to pull away from the intimacy, they leaned into it. If this was the last touch they were going to get, they needed to take all the comfort they could.
They closed their eyes and leaned into Marianne’s forehead. “I want this. You, us, Denny. Here and now and forever. But I know I can’t have it. Have you. Because you’ve got this amazing other life that you’ve worked so hard for. And everyone admires you and your work. You can have everything back in Dublin, Mari. How could I expect you to give that up for…” Their sinuses stung with the effort not to let the tears run.
Mari tried to pull back, but Joey wrapped her in a hug. If they looked at her, they wouldn’t be able to finish what they had to say. “So, I understand why you have to go, but I don’t think I can keep in touch. Be friends. It’s not enough, and it would slowly break my heart. I tried so hard not to fall in love with you, but it was a done deal long ago.”
When Mari pulled away more forcibly, Joey let her go.
“Do I not get a chance to say my piece?” Her cheeks were flushed.
“Of course. I’m sorry, I just needed to get that off my chest.”
“It’s not like I don’t give you a chance to speak, Joey. I’ve been waiting to talk for days, and you’ve ghosted me.”
Joey had been expecting resignation, not anger. Surely, Mari had been busy making her plans to leave and handing over the kitchen to her replacement.
They blinked, confused. “Do you want to go back to the hut? We can sit outside while Denny plays in the rock pools.”
Marianne looked around as if remembering Denny was there. He was slapping his feet in the wet sand and watching as his footprints disappeared. “He’s fine. Do you want to hear what I have to say?”
Joey wasn’t sure they did. Mari sounded pretty annoyed. “Of course. Yeah.”
“When you left back in Dublin, you didn’t give me the chance to come with you. You just left. I know you were worried about your dad, but that hurt. I thought we were more than that.”
Their heart felt like it would burst. “We are…were. But you were in the middle of your big reunion. You were shining. And it was Denny’s birthday. My family is my responsibility to deal with.”
“And how does that work? You’ve taken on so much with Denny and sharing the load. But it doesn’t work both ways?”
Why was Mari even talking about this? It didn’t matter now, did it?
“I don’t know. I enjoyed helping you out, it wasn’t any trouble. I’ve loved my time with Denny.” So much .
Mari dropped to the dry sand and patted the patch next to her. “Sit.”
They folded their legs under them and joined her. Denny was chasing a seagull.
“Why are you so convinced everything is in the past? Do you want it to be?”
“What? No, of course not. But we were never going to be a long-term thing, were we? I always knew that, so it’s my fault I’m where I am now.” Another wave of sadness washed over them.
“You’re doing it again. Grieving our relationship before it’s over.”
Surely, not much before. Mari’s contract ended next week, and her replacement was already being trained up.
“Listen to what I’m saying. I don’t want it to be over, Joey. You’re not the only one who fell in too deep.”
Despite their doubt, Joey looked into her eyes. The anger was gone, and they were full of love. They’d seen that look in Mari’s eyes before, but they’d put it down to affection. Or lust.
“But it can’t work, can it? Our lives are too different.”
“They’re not that different. You catch seafood. I cook seafood.” Mari’s lips curled up in a smile.
“But your career is in Dublin. There’s nowhere within two hundred miles that could afford you.”
“That’s only a problem if I want my own kitchen again.” Mari ran her fingers through the sand, drawing wavy patterns.
Joey tried to comprehend what she was saying. “Don’t you? That’s what you love.”
“I do.” She looked up. “But I love Denny more. And I love you. And there are things I can do that I also enjoy that mean the three of us don’t have to be apart.”
A buzzing started in Joey ears, making concentrating on the words more difficult. “You love me?”
Marianne shuffled across the sand until they were touching. “Of course I do. I should’ve told you sooner. I thought it was obvious, but some things deserve to be said. I love you, Joey, and I want to make this work. If that’s what you want, too?”
A shriek from further down the beach had Mari on her feet in seconds and jogging down the sand. As Joey followed, Mari picked Denny up from where he’d fallen. Wet sand covered his face and hands and he bawled as she tried to wipe away the worst of it from his eyes.
“Let’s wash it off in the hut and get him some lunch. We need time to talk this through properly.”
Joey felt like they were walking through thick mud, as if everything was going slow while Mari and the outside world carried on at normal speed.
“Perhaps it wasn’t the best idea to leave him unsupervised while we talked.” She smiled over the head of her screaming child. “Are you okay?”
They shook off the shock and nodded. “Yeah, yeah. It is. What I want. More than anything.” They ran a hand through their hair and Marianne gave them such a dazzling smile they thought their legs might buckle.
They led the way back and helped Mari wash off the sand, distracting Denny with the bucket and spade they’d left in the hut earlier. Denny stopped crying immediately and toddled outside to find sand. Mari followed him, then turned as Joey lifted the hamper.
“Can I do anything to help?”
Joey passed her a blue checkered tablecloth. “Put that on the picnic bench and I’ll be out in a minute with the food.”
The fire had taken some of the chill off the stone building and Joey added more fuel, taking a few moments to stare into the dancing flames hungrily licking at the new logs. Small sparks flickered upward into the darkness of the chimney, like the spark of hope that warmed Joey’s chest. If Mari wanted to be with them, they would do anything to make it happen.
When the food had been spread on the table, and Denny was settled on Marianne’s lap carefully deconstructing the sandwiches and eating the chicken filling, Mari looked up from the spread in front of them.
“Were you expecting a small army to join us?” Her eyes twinkled.
“When I’m anxious I over-prepare. I thought it might be our last trip out together and I wanted it to be perfect.” It sounded silly now. How things could change when you had the courage to talk about them.
“I’m sorry I went into hiding. You must’ve thought I didn’t care.” They grasped the hand that wasn’t trying to feed bread to a now squirming Denny. “I care so much it hurts.”
“In a good way, I hope.” Marianne surrendered Denny to the beach, and he ran back to his new toys.
“Joey make castles?” He waved his spade.
“Let Joey eat something, then they’ll play with you, Denny.”
Joey crammed a few sandwiches into their mouth, washed them down with juice, then got up to join Denny.
“You two go and play your games, and I’ll clean up here.” Marianne stood and leaned over the bench, planting a soft kiss on their lips. Even that touch was enough to heat Joey’s entire body.
“Shall I ask Aoife if there’s any chance of Denny sleeping over tonight?”
Marianne’s smile showed all her teeth. “The text has already been sent.”
Joey trotted down the beach, grinning as they went. “Okay, Denny, that castle needs a moat.”
The knock on the window of the conservatory made Joey jump. They swung out of the hammock as the outline of Marianne’s head appeared around the corner. It was a moonless night, and if they hadn’t been sitting in the dark for an hour, they wouldn’t have been able to make her out. The only thing that had kept them calm while they waited for Marianne to tell them her plans had been to lay watching the blanket of stars above.
“I guessed you’d be out here.”
“Hey, come on inside.” Joey reached for the lamp switch, but Marianne stilled their hand and looked up at the twinkling heavens above them.
“I walked up from Aoife’s and the longer I was in the dark, the more they stood out. It’s amazing.”
“It is.” Joey was watching Marianne rather than the stars, but they couldn’t agree more.
Marianne tore her eyes away from the spectacle. “I guess we need to talk without the distraction.”
Joey took her hand and led her into the darkened house to the comfortable chairs set around the fireplace. They’d left a small fire burning low, just enough to give out a gentle heat and flickering light.
Marianne sat in the chair closest to the fire.
“Would you like a drink? I’ve got a bottle of white in the fridge.”
Mari smiled. “You know me so well! Thank you, that would be good.”
When Joey returned, Marianne was relaxed in her chair, her feet up on a footstool. She took her glass. “It feels a long time since we began this conversation.”
They wanted to join her on the chair and curl up with her in their lap so they could kiss her neck and reassure themself this was really happening. But this was a serious conversation, so they forced themself to sit on the chair opposite and made do with watching as the firelight flickered across the planes of Marianne’s face. They sipped the wine. It was the most expensive bottle Kasia had available at the Waterside. She’d asked what the special occasion was, but Joey had promised to fill her in later.
“I meant what I said earlier. I want to make my home here with you. I want Denny to grow up here. But I won’t stay, if it’s not what you want. That’s what I needed to talk to you about.”
They put down their glass and rubbed their face. “But you’re leaving the Waterside. Kasia said you’d found them a replacement.”
“Yes, my good friend Colette. She a great chef and, honestly, I owed her one. She’ll be a perfect fit.” Marianne swirled the wine in her mouth. “This is good. Where did you get it?”
“From Kasia.” They shook their head at the distraction. “But if you’re not leaving the island, what are you going to do? What about your career?”
“My career is whatever I choose it to be, and I’m not putting anyone’s kitchen over Denny’s—or my—best interests.” She leaned closer. “It’s not right for me now, Joey. I only have fifteen or so years to really get it right with Denny. That’s what matters. When he’s off living his own life, I’ll make decisions that only affect me.”
“So, what will you do?” Marianne had no property or savings. It wasn’t clear how she intended to make ends meet.
“I’ve negotiated my own TV show. I’ll travel around to different restaurants and look at how sustainable they are. Give them advice and investigate local produce and suppliers.” She slipped off the chair to kneel in front of Joey. “It’s all off the back of the videos we made together. You’re a part of this, Joey. If you want to be.” She grasped their hands in her own warm ones.
Joey shook their head, not fully understanding. “So how does that mean you’d stay in Inishderry?”
“Well, I’ve suggested I make the first series at the Waterside. It would give me time to settle in here first, and we could spend plenty of time together.”
Settle in. Marianne was serious about making Inishderry her home. “Really? What did Kasia and Tierney say about it?”
Marianne screwed up her nose. “I haven’t asked them yet. This is all dependent on you wanting me here.” She squeezed Joey’s hands tight. “I’m sorry big city me scared you off. It’s not who I am. I’m the best version of me when I’m around you.”
They shook their head and sighed. “No, I’m sorry I retreated, and didn’t talk it through. You deserved better. I thought if I didn’t become part of your Dublin life, I’d lose you completely. And I couldn’t bear that.”
Joey pulled Mari from the floor, and she joined them in the chair that wasn’t quite big enough. They shuffled around until their bodies fit together and Joey pulled Marianne close, as they’d wanted to earlier.
“So, if Kasia agrees to this—Tierney will be all over it, so no problem there—what will you do when filming ends?”
“It’s a well-paid gig, so I should be all right for a while. Kasia has already asked me about doing guest nights for special occasions. There’s plenty of work like that around. Consultancy and so forth.” She pulled Joey’s head down close. “I might need to travel fairly often, but I’ll make it work. I really want this, Joey. Do you?”
“Oh God, yes. With all my heart.” Joey leaned in and captured Marianne’s lips. All the other worries slipped away as they tasted her familiarity. If Marianne believed in a future for the three of them, that was enough for Joey.