Chapter 22 Willa
Willa
A knock comes at the bathroom door, and I blink at my reflection in the foggy mirror.
I don’t know how long I’ve been staring at myself, but my hair is damp and curling at the ends.
After we got back from the desert, I decided to take a shower to pass the time while Dean checked in with Steel, and I haven’t left the bathroom since.
My mind won’t stop running in circles, replaying everything that’s happened to get us to this point.
I’ve never felt so connected to a person, but there’s hesitance in Dean’s touch.
He still doesn’t trust me, and I don’t blame him.
If we’re going to give this a real shot, he needs to know the whole truth.
There’s another knock before the door swings open. I’m wearing nothing more than one of Dean’s T-shirts, which does nothing to help with how vulnerable I feel right now.
“You’ve been in here a while.” He closes the door behind him, leaning against it. “Did we go too far today out in the desert?”
Of course he’s worried about me. While I’m the one who hurt him, he can’t help protecting me.
“No, not at all. I had fun today.” It’s not a lie.
I did have fun today. It was intense, but that’s Dean. He doesn’t hold back. He gives everything and makes no apologies for it.
I turn to face him, lifting to sit on the counter.
“Then why have you been hiding in the bathroom since we got back to the clubhouse?” He crosses his ankles and arms.
The bathroom is muggy from the heat of my shower, borderline uncomfortable, but I don’t move to take this conversation elsewhere. If I leave this room, I might lose my confidence.
“We need to talk.”
“Fuck, Willa.” He drops his chin, raking his hair back.
“I’m not leaving,” I say quickly, realizing how that sounded. “At least, not unless you tell me you want me to leave after I’m done telling you everything.”
His gaze meets mine, and there’s a long beat of silence.
“Fine.” He nods once. “Talk.”
“Okay.” I clear my throat, suddenly nervous. “You asked me earlier why I came here when the information I brought could have been sent in an email or text message, and I meant what I said. I missed you. But also, I needed to make amends.”
My gaze drifts to my knuckles, white from gripping the counter.
“We both fucked up back then, Willa. We were kids.”
“You don’t know everything.” I shake my head. “But you deserve to hear the truth—from me. Even if you hate me for it.”
“I don’t hate you.”
“You should.” I meet his gaze. “I never loved your brother, but I chose him, Dean. You offered to take me away, and I stayed. I chose him, and I lived with him, and I accepted his proposal. I let him fuck me”—the words choke on the way out—“at least, I let him fuck me until he started fucking everyone else. I was with him for years. You should hate me. Or, at the very least, be disgusted.”
Dean’s teeth grit. I’m being blunt and harsh, but I don’t soften what I’m saying because I know he’s doing what he always did—what he did when his mother was dying—he’s ignoring what bothers him and pretending it doesn’t.
He’s refusing to face his emotions. And if he does that with us, we’ll never have a real chance.
We’ll never move forward. We’ll stay in purgatory like I’ve been for years. I can’t do that anymore.
“I don’t hate you, Willa. And I’m not disgusted by you, no matter who you slept with.
You couldn’t put me off if you tried.” He wipes his hand down his face.
“I’ve done a lot of shit myself over the last twelve years.
Fucked more women than you’ll ever want to know about and tried just about every drug you can come up with.
I spent a year behind bars, and honestly, that was the easiest of the crap I’ve survived.
Considering the blood on my hands, they shouldn’t have ever let me out.
If one of us should be bothered by the other’s past, it should be you.
Anything you’ve done, I’ve done worse, ten times over. ”
“Except what I did, I did to you.”
He doesn’t argue with that because it’s the truth. Dean might be a fuckboy and a killer. He might be a walking red flag. But the things he did weren’t to me. He would never hurt me.
Dean squares his shoulders. “You don’t need to apologize if that’s what this is. And we don’t need to talk about it.”
“We do though. You know we do.” I sit up tall, refusing to back down unless he kicks me out of the bathroom. “I thought I was doing the right thing. As fucked up as that sounds, it’s the truth. When I chose Kincaid, I did it for you.”
“That’s fucked, Willa.” Anger finally bleeds into his tone, and I’m glad because it means he’s finally feeling something.
“Yeah, it is,” I agree with him. “It’s completely fucked up, just like everything was back then. And it was worse than you ever knew because you refused to talk to me about it, so I didn’t tell you everything either. My father… he…” I rub my arms.
“Did he touch you?” His voice turns deathly cold. “Did he fucking lay his hands on you, and you didn’t tell me about it? I’m going to drive to Texas and—”
“No.” I hop off the counter and walk over to him, resting my hands on Dean’s chest. “Dad never hit me. I swear, he didn’t lay a hand on me ever.”
He didn’t need to. Dad’s methods of torture were always mental. Little comments. Slowly picking me apart until I was nothing except a weak girl he could mold. I was worthless, begging for scraps of his acceptance.
“He didn’t touch me,” I say again. “But we both know he didn’t need to in order to get me to do what he wanted. And he always got what he wanted.”
Dean rests his hands over mine on his chest. “What are you talking about?”
“Remember that summer the cattle started dying?”
“My grandpa almost lost the ranch.”
I nod. “Until a private investor stepped up and saved it. My father was that investor. He’s the one who gave your grandfather the money to keep the ranch afloat. I found out about it the night my mom died. That’s what started the fight we were having.”
“Why would his investing in my family’s ranch start a fight?”
“Because I found out it was Dad and Tate who poisoned the cattle. They set your grandfather up.”
Dean’s eyes darken. “What?”
“Your grandpa was getting sicker, and your mom was gone. They knew your grandpa favored you over Kincaid, and they were worried how that would play out if something happened. They needed leverage to make sure Kincaid’s interest in the land was solid.
You know Tate is always using his son to pull the strings. ”
Dean nods, his jaw tight.
“They poisoned the cattle to force your grandpa to the brink of bankruptcy. When my dad bailed him out, he gave him a share of the land. My dad and Tate set him up all so they could strengthen their position if your grandad died and left the land to you instead of Kincaid.”
“That piece of shit.” Dean wipes his hand down his face, anger radiating off him.
“I confronted my father, and we started arguing. There was a lot of yelling to the point where Eden locked herself in the bathroom. Mom tried to break Dad and me apart, and things just—” Bile rises in my throat, and I swallow it down.
I press my hand to my stomach. “He punched a hole in the wall. He’d never been physical with us before, but he would throw things sometimes.
And when I tried to run, he reached out to stop me.
Mom got between us right as I went to push him away.
I didn’t realize she was right there, and I didn’t see we’d moved to the top of the staircase. ”
Tears stream down my cheeks as the room starts to spin. I can barely see through the tears as Dean cups the sides of my face.
“I was the one who pushed her down the stairs. I didn’t mean to. It all happened so fast that I couldn’t catch her before she fell. When she hit that last step, I heard it. Her head hit too hard. She died at the hospital, but she was gone long before that. It was an accident. I swear—”
“Willa.” He pulls me to him.
I’m shaking against his chest; my fingers dig into his sides.
I promised myself I wouldn’t cry. I haven’t cried for my mom since that day in the hospital. I don’t deserve to feel guilt when it’s my fault. But in Dean’s arms, I can’t help it. I cry until there aren’t any tears left.
Until he lifts me onto the counter and wipes my cheeks free of them while he stands between my legs.
“It’s not your fault, Willa. Fuck, I wish you had told me so I could have said that to you back then. It wasn’t your fault.”
I shake my head. I’ve tried to tell myself that a thousand times, but it’s never worked.
“Why didn’t you tell me when I came to the hospital?”
“I couldn’t,” I finally admit. “Dad threatened to turn me in for killing her if I said anything to anyone. About Mom or about him poisoning the cattle. He needed that business deal with your stepdad and Kincaid. He didn’t even care that she was dead.”
“You could have told me.”
“He would have hurt you.” I shake my head.
“He knew you were my weak spot, and that my liking you was a wrench in their plan. He told me that if I made things more difficult for him in any way, then anyone who got in his way would pay for it. I couldn’t stand the thought of losing you—especially after losing her.
So I made sure you left, and I chose Kincaid like he wanted. ”
“Willa—”
“I know I fucked up, okay? I should have told you sooner or fought harder. I should have done something—anything. But I was scared, and Mom was—” I shake my head, tears streaming down my face.
“I killed my mother, Dean. The one person who made living in that house bearable. I killed her, and I couldn’t stand being responsible for losing you too.
So I did what he needed. I played the good daughter, and I chose Kincaid to keep my father in good graces with Tate. And I let you go.”
My hands are shaking so hard I have to ball them into fists to still them.
“I deserved to be with Kincaid and miserable after what I’d done.
” I laugh with tears streaming down my face.
“I was resigned to the fact that I’d made those mistakes, and now I needed to live with them.
So I tried. But Kincaid and I were never a good fit.
We had nothing in common. In the end, we barely even liked each other as friends.
And when I caught him with Eden, I snapped.
Not because he was cheating on me, or even because it was with her, but because that same day I found out Tate screwed my father over, and it was all pointless anyway. ”
“What did Tate do?”
“Your brother and Tate cut my father out. They decided against selling mineral rights. They’re going to sell the land instead.
They’re going to parcel it off to the highest bidder and ruin your grandfather’s legacy.
I’d spent all those years trying to make sure your grandfather’s land was protected—that you were protected—and it was over.
After that, I stopped caring what anyone thought.
I just needed to see you, even if you never wanted to see me again.
That’s why I’m here. That’s everything.”
My chest is so heavy, I can hardly breathe. Even with the truth unleashed, a mountain of guilt presses down on me.
Finally, I look Dean in the eyes. His expression is cold and empty. His cheeks pale. I don’t know what to make of it.
“You think you’re bad for me, Dean. You think you’re chaos.
Trouble. Whatever you want to call it. But I see you—all of you.
The good, the bad, the scary. I see who you were then and who you are now.
And I want you all the same. I always have.
Your ugly side doesn’t scare me. It’s the only thing that makes me feel alive.
” I wipe beneath my eyes. “But you never knew me, not until right now. And now, you know my ugly too. You know the truth. You know I’ve done unforgivable things.
Things that ruined both of us. I knew coming here might just make you hate me more, but I needed you to know I never loved your brother. I only ever loved you.”
He stills, not taking his eyes off me. “What did you say?”
“Which part?” I wipe away the last of my tears.
“The last part.”
I press my lips together, my fingers twitching where they hold the cabinet. “I only ever loved you.”
“Past tense?”
“No.” I shake my head. “Present tense. I love you, Dean. And I’m a fucking mess, so you really shouldn’t love me back.”
A smile cracks in the corner of his mouth. Nothing about this is funny or amusing, but it’s so like him to somehow smile through it.
“Yeah, I guess you are.” He tilts my chin up, looking into my eyes. “Maybe we should start calling you Chaos.”
“Are you seriously making jokes right now?”
“Of course not, that would be highly inappropriate.”
“Yes, it would.”
He brushes his thumb over the apple of my cheek, tracing my face with his gaze. “Say it again, Willa.”
“Which part?”
He leans down, brushing his lips over mine. “You know which part.”
I press my lips together, taking a shallow breath. He’s so close. The warmth of him surrounds me. His hands cradle my face, and there’s no hesitation in his touch right now, only hope. And when I look into his eyes, he sees me.
Everything good and bad exposed.
But he hasn’t stormed out or left. He’s standing in front of me. He’s choosing me.
“I love you,” I whisper.
The words have barely left my mouth when Dean lowers his lips to mine, and he kisses me for the first time.