33. Chapter 33
Chapter 33
Finn
I woke from the most restful night’s sleep I had in years. Tightening my arm, I pulled Tessa’s soft frame closer to mine, the late morning sun casting an ethereal glow across the room. Skimming my hand across her silky skin, memories of our night together filled my consciousness.
Fuck, she was spectacular. The way her body responded to mine was better than anything I could have imagined. She told me her only experience with sex was with her ex, but she didn’t elaborate beyond describing her first time. That was when I decided to give her the first time she should have had. I worried about being too rough with her, but she responded like she was made for me.
The night she told me her story, so many puzzle pieces clicked into place, particularly her reaction to the grease fire in my kitchen. With the benefit of hindsight, I could see how it sent her back to the night when she burned their anniversary dinner. The way she froze when the stove caught fire, how she retreated within herself, it all made complete sense.
I knew sharing her history was exceedingly difficult, the same way I knew she was still terrified Daniel would find her.
As I stared down at my goddess, I knew it was time to make the call. I slowly untangled myself, careful not to disturb her before throwing on a pair of pajama pants, snagging my phone, and locking myself in my office.
Unlocking the phone, I pressed the name I put off calling all week. I knew it was necessary, but taking this step made everything that much more real, and I was enjoying the bubble we were living in too much to want anything to pop it. The line rang before a deep voice picked up.
“Remington. To what do I owe the pleasure?” Spencer asked.
After spending several years serving together in the SEALs, Spencer Blackwood was one of my closest friends. He also happened to be the CEO and owner of one of Daniel’s largest competitors.
“Hey, man. Sorry to call out of the blue like this, but I need a favor.”
“Anything. What’s going on?”
“What do you know about Daniel Winston?”
A long pause followed my question.
“I know he’s a self-entitled prick who thinks he’s God’s gift to mankind. He’s also one of my company’s biggest competitors and is running for the open Senate seat.” He paused. “But I’m sure none of this is new information to you. So how about you tell me why you’re really calling?”
I blew out a heavy breath. “If someone were looking for his weaknesses, where would they start?”
Deafening silence met my ears. “Well, his ego would be his Achilles Heel, but I’m sure I could find a few more chinks in his armor if I looked into it.” The sound of footsteps followed by a door closing carried through the line. “Look, you know I have your back no matter what, but you need to know this guy is a vindictive asshole. I’ve heard stories about the things he’s done to people he feels have wronged him, and while he may be a child playing dress up in real life, he does wield a considerable amount of power with his company. More still if he gets elected. So, while I have no issue dealing with any temper tantrums he might throw and will help you with anything you need, I have to ask: Are you sure whatever we find is worth the potential fallout?”
My thoughts turned to Tessa’s perpetual fear. The shame she felt when I saw the marks on her body that day in the bathroom, and the way she trusted me after everything she endured. Yeah, any fallout was more than worth it if she was ultimately free of that asshole once and for all.
Knowing there was a strong chance this was going to bite me in the ass, I replied, “Yeah, it’s worth it.”
“Alright, man. Let me do some digging, and I’ll get back to you,” Spencer replied before the line went dead.
***
“Finn, there’s something I would like to discuss with you,” Michael said. The faux leather squeaked as I shifted in my seat. “Over the past couple months, you’ve shared far more with me than I anticipated.”
Seriously? I didn’t think I’d shared shit with him. What the hell was he used to if he thought what I had disclosed was more than expected? Michael continued talking, and I focused on his words.
“While I think we’ve made some great progress, we need to address something I’ve been assessing since we started.” My shoulders tensed and braced for impact. “I believe there is a strong likelihood you have PTSD.”
Fuck.
I was afraid of that. Hell, if I was completely honest with myself, half the reason I was so reluctant to give therapy a chance was because I feared this would be the result. Four fucking letters shouldn’t be scary to someone who had stared death in the face as many times as I had, but it was the potential consequences of the label that caused a light sheen of perspiration to break out across my forehead.
“Look, I know this is a scary thing to think about. But I can assure you it does not have the same connotation today it did ten or even twenty years ago. Hell, the stigma isn’t even what it was five years ago.” He set his pen and paper on the desk before he leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees.
Sure, the stigma wasn’t what it used to be, but it sure as fuck was still there. I’d seen guys pulled from the field, their careers ended because of one little fucking acronym. Even though there was nothing the military could do to me at this point, the potential diagnosis still stung.
“Finn, I know firsthand how the military conditions people to believe showing weakness is a bad thing and to think someone who needs help is broken, but it’s simply not true. In fact, PTSD is not a new concept. It’s been called many different names, but there are accounts of soldiers suffering from symptoms that correspond with PTSD going as far back as the Romans.”
I mulled over his point. If what he said was true, my experience wasn’t anything special. Hell, it wasn’t even modern. Thoughts of Tessa and what this could mean filtered through my mind. A cold sweat broke out across my skin as I recalled stories of soldiers with PTSD who were so messed up they attacked their spouses. My pulse thundered and my breathing sped up when it dawned on me I could potentially hurt Tessa if I didn’t get my shit together.
Well, if he was looking for a way to get my attention, he fucking had it now.
“Finn, I’m going to level with you.” Michael’s voice pulled me from the tunnel I was quickly spiraling down. “We’ve been seeing each other for several months now, and while you have shared more than I expected, you’ve been reluctant to share anything of real substance.”
He held up his hand, already anticipating my defense. “ And I get it ,” he emphasized. “I was the same way when I was in your shoes. The mind has a way of protecting itself, and part of that means avoiding memories of what caused our trauma. From an evolutionary standpoint, it makes complete sense. But the problem with that mindset is that if we never process the trauma, it sits in our minds and festers, causing us to relive it over and over, often at inopportune times.”
I glanced at Michael before returning my focus to the picture behind his chair that served as my focal point during these sessions.
Well, the status quo was not an option, not if it could potentially harm Tessa. “What do I have to do to stop reliving the trauma?” I asked warily. I felt Michael watching me while I waited for his answer.
“You’ve mentioned before that you don’t want to take medication, and despite the fact it could help you while we unpack your trauma, I’m okay with that. Overall, we see better and more long-term results with therapy than we do with medication alone anyway. However, I do think we need to make an adjustment.”
I shifted my eyes back to Michael’s. What kind of adjustment? Shit, was he giving up on me? Was I so hopeless he didn’t’ see the point in trying anymore? I held back in our sessions because I wasn’t ready to recount the nightmares that played like a movie inside my head to someone else. Reliving them every night while I slept was reminder enough, but I could try harder. I could do more. He couldn’t give up on me, not when I had more than ever to lose.
“Have you ever heard of EMDR?” Michael’s voice infiltrated the dark places my mind was wandering.
I wracked my mind for that particular acronym before concluding, “No. What is it?”
“EMDR is a different type of therapy. The general idea behind it is that sometimes when our minds survive trauma, the event gets stuck in the part of our brains responsible for fight or flight. Instead of processing and turning it into any other long-term memory, it gets stuck and causes us to relive the experience over and over again. To dislodge the memory from this part of the brain, EMDR allows the person to focus on external stimuli while they relive the memory. Ultimately, it allows a person to process the trauma in a way that no longer leaves them feeling the same kind of psychological distress it caused them before,” Michael explained.
I sighed internally. He’d done nothing to warrant the distrust I continued to show him. When I made the decision to start therapy, I put my pride on the back burner in exchange for a chance to lighten the load I carried every day.
Tessa’s face flashed in my mind. While I agreed to go to therapy for myself, I couldn’t deny the likelihood that without her presence I would not have admitted to needing help. She was the missing link that brought all my broken pieces back together.
When I finally worked up the courage to tell her about my weekly sessions with Michael, she proved yet again why she was the only woman for me. Worried about how she would respond, I had put off the conversation for weeks.
The anxiety I felt about telling her surprised me. I knew deep down she wouldn’t judge me for it, mainly because she simply wasn’t that kind of person. It didn’t help that the inner voice that was conspicuously absent in recent weeks was back to whispering in my ear, telling me our budding relationship would end once she knew how weak and broken I truly was.
Unable to come up with a good segway, I blurted it out while we were cooking breakfast the day before. She stood next to me, softly humming while whisking the eggs when my confession took her by surprise, halting her movements. I was about to make an excuse to retreat to my office when she pulled me into a crushing hug. Momentarily stunned by her response, my throat grew thick before I clutched her to me in relief. When she finally pulled back, she told me it took an incredibly strong person to tackle their issues and ask for help, adding she was proud of me for the courage it took to tackle painful memories.
Overwhelmed with gratitude at how well she took my admission, I proceeded to use the whipped cream to reward her, licking the sugary substance from nearly every inch of her body.
Reflecting over how incredible the few weeks since we started dating were, I was blown away by the feelings she unearthed in me. Each day with her was somehow better than the last, and there wasn’t a single thing I wouldn’t do to ensure her happiness.
No, I had too much to lose now. Knowing deep down that what Tessa needed more than anything was a partner who had his shit together, I accepted what I needed to do. If Michael thought this would help, I was all in.
“When do we start?”