Chapter 16- The hike Space between words
Zarya's POV
It's been a tough ride, lalo na at sumama pa 'tong isa.
Surprisingly, he didn't dare to bother me. nandon lang s'ya kila Kiro at Aisle, nakikipag kulitan.
We went to the mall before going here, kaya marami kaming dala ngayon. They are all busy arranging their own things para less hassle mamaya, of course hike to.
We got our own backpacks, and extra if hindi kasya. We had 2 tents. One for girls, and one for the boys. Alangan naman mag share tent pa kami?
We arrived around 2Pm. Masyado pang mainit para mag hike, kaya nag suggest ang tour guide namin na mag lunch muna kami sa mga local eatery dito. So we did, and somehow it feels like home.
4 pm dapat aalis na kami, and start our walk. Guess what time is it? it's 4:30 pm, and no signs of finished business in here.
"Okay, I'm done!" Oh thanks be to God, at natapos din si Aisle.
"Yup yup, all fit neat and nicely." Ralph slapped his back pack. Duda ako sa neat and nicely ah, sa lagay ng backpack n'ya parang pinagkasya nalang lahat ng gamit ah.
"Kiro faster!" I teased him, s'ya kasi halos wala pang nalalagay sa backpack n'ya.
"shut uppp please!" He said almost irritated, ayaw n'ya kasing nira rush s'ya. Pero sobrang bagal talaga!
"Xy, do you have the emergency medicines on you?" Mica asked Xylla who's almost finish packing her things.
"Yes, all goods." Xylla gave her a thumbs up.
While I'm just enjoying the beautiful scenery, fresh air, leaves dancing, cool breeze. aahhh, it's heaven..
I'm done with my stuff, tinulungan ako ni Xylla kanina before doing her own things. I refused, but she insisted. wala na akong nagawa.
"Okayy I'm done!" At last, natapos din si Kiro. Sayang saya pa ang mukha.
"Okayy then!, we're all good to gooo...." Aisle's face changed when she saw Ryan struggling with his backpack.
I almost forgot, may sampid pala kami dito.
"Bro, need a hand?" Ralph offered some help, but he just ignored him.
I smirked, knowing damn well he can't make it. Why? because he's a negative Nepo baby. He grew up with maids all over their house, doing things for him. He doesn't even know a single house chores.
"help him out." I ordered Kiro, dahil mukhang sila ang mas close. at baka abutin pa kami ng syam syam dito.
"yeah, thanks bro. It's okay, kaya ko na to." Nag matigas pa talaga??
"Ryan. We have to go, or else you get your own tour guide." I said, fierce. He just looked at me, before accepting Kiro's help.
Kiro removed all of his things out of his backpack, and rearrange it. Halatang halata talaga, he doesn't even know how to fold? He just crumples his clothes, and put it in there.
"Bro, you're the worst packer in the world." Kiro gave him a side comment, he doesn't seem to be offended naman. Alam n'ya kasi sa sarili n'yang tama ako.
"Mag ingat po tayo, Ma'am." Kuya Alvin assisted me. Medyo mahirap pala talaga ang mag hike.
Ang layo na ni Kiro at Ryan saamin, mga 1km ahead na siguro sila. Pero okay lang, marami namang ibang nag h-hike. Hindi naman sila siguro mawawala.
"Ilang kilometer nga po ulit hangang Summit?" I asked kuya alvin.
"14 km ma'am, round trip na po. Bale 7km paakyat, 7km din pababa." He said calmly while walking uphill.
"Really? 7km is not that bad." Mica joined in the conversation, she's already catching her breath.
" nakapag 2km na kaya tayo, kuya?" I asked. Almost 1 hour na kasi since nag start kami.
"ma'am, 1km pa nga lang tayo." He replied, laughing.
1km palang? so how long will it take us to reach the summit? gagabihin kami??
"So ilang oras pa po tayo?" Mica asked again.
"Depende po sa lakad n'yo." Kuya Alvin answered sarcastically.
"po?" With a confused look, Mica reacted.
"kung lakat pagong, siguro 5 oras pa. kung lakad aso mga 3 oras siguro. tas pag lakat kabayo, edi hindi tayo aabot sa taas. Bawal kabayo dito e."
He jokingly said, trip siguro nito patawanin kami buong lakad.
" ha.ha. Nice joke kuya." panira ni Mica na hingal na hingal na.
Nagpatuloy na lang kaming lahat sa paglalakad, dahil hapon narin talaga. At baka maging dinner pa kami ng mga multo dito.
It's been almost 3hours, and we're almost halfway there. Yes, we should've expected this earlier. Slow walkers talaga kami, besides nakakapagod rin pala talaga.
I bet Ryan and Kiro probably reached the summit. It's good if oo, para makapag prepare na sila. I instructed them earlier na if mauuna sila sa taas, mag arrange na sila ng tent, and start to prepare our meal since sila ang nag insist na magdala ng mga gamit.
Well, sana nga nandon na sila. I really wanna eat a good hot steaming food, and I bet they all think about it as well.
"Zar, here." Ralph gave me his hoodie. Yeah, it's getting pretty cold out here, gumagabi na rin kasi.
"thank you, but it's okay Ralph." I refused. Not because he's Ralph, but because he's just wearing a sando. Malamig na talaga, and I don't want to feel guilty.
Hindi narin naman s'ya nagpumilit, he knows I'll keep saying no.
"wait." Xylla said when we're about to walk away.
I look back, and saw her removing her hoodie. Oh.... She's wearing a sweater. No wonder why she's sweating heavily earlier this afternoon. Dala-dalawa pala ang jacket.
She handed me her outer hoodie. "Here, wear this."
"thank you." I accepted the gesture. At least, I won't feel bad kasi may sweater naman s'ya e.
"Guys!" We heard Kiro's voice from afar.
He's waving at us while holding a cup. Ryan is sitting in front of the bonfire, he's grilling the chicken.
My body is so tireedd as hell, but the breeze of cold fresh air making my mind at ease.
So it's true then. Mount Pulag is indeed a healing place.
The sky here is a masterpiece. Millions of stars scattered like diamonds on black velvet, and the moon, perfectly round, watches over us.
It's moments like these that make you forget everything else.
The exhaustion from the hike, the awkwardness of this whole trip, even the ache in my chest. Kahit ako, hindi ko rin naiintindihan, but it all fades a little under this vast, silent beauty.
I wish I could freeze time, just stay here, suspended in this moment of peace.
Ganito pala talaga ang pakiramdam. I came here with heavy baggages, but right now.
... It feels like the world paused itself from spinning.
But even here, miles away from everything familiar, my thoughts keep drifting back to her. Iris.
Seeing them together... it's like a dull, constant throb. I know it's my fault. I walked away, made her feel like she wasn't enough. And now, watching her with someone else, I realize how much I messed up.
Maybe that's why I agreed to Ryan joining us in this trip, to prove something, maybe to her, maybe to myself.
As for Xylla, this whole charade... it's not fair to her. She deserves so much more than being a pawn in my messed-up game.
But God, it feels good to have someone care, even if it's built on a lie. I just wish I could untangle this knot in my heart, figure out what I really want, and stop hurting everyone in the process.
Because fuck. This is really messed up. I'm using her, and the fact that she agreed. It's.... torture.
Speaking of....
I heard some footsteps from behind, so I turned to check. And it was her, Xylla. Ayaw talaga magpa backstab no?
She gently sat beside me " Tired?"
she asked.
I moved a bit, and without looking at her. I responded. "Yeah, but it's all worth it naman" I mean, just look around.
"I saw you back there, kanina pa. You seem to be in a deep thoughts, hmm?" She gently stares at me, a stare that has something. Concerned.
I slowly nodded. " I am. " yes, I admit it. There's nothing to hide from her anymore, she even knows something I don't. So what's the point of telling her lies?
"You know, it's okay to admit you're not okay. You don't always have to find the silver lining." She did not even hesitate to said those words. Na para bang alam n'ya kung ano ang iniisip ko.
"I'm just thinking about the uhm... The company, all work." I tried to play it off, maybe she'll believe me.
"don't lie, Zar. It's not just about work, isn't it? " She responded with a simple sentence, pero may diin talaga ang mga sagot n'ya e.
I left out a heavy Sighs. "What do you want me to say, Xylla?"
" you should've said no when Ryan wanted to come with us. I know you're no—"
"For what?" Kanina I was so calm, and now.... it's a whole different emotion.
"you don't have to pretend that y—"
"That I'm still hung up on her? That seeing her with Ryan is tearing me apart?" I paused. It was just a few words, pero parang nasakal ako ng sarili kong salita.
She went silent. I waited for her to say a word, but she didn't.
Did my words offended her? If so, fuck that. She won't make me feel guilty about it, hindi p'wede.
but did I offend her?....
I sometimes think why is she doing all of this for me. I mean, letting people you just met a few months ago use you. Care for someone who keeps pushing you when you're too close of her comfort. and... trying to ease the heaviness she feels when you're also overloaded.
Is this normal to her? na sobrahan lang ba sa pag ka understanding.
Instead of asking these questions to myself. Why not......
"why are you doing this? Why are you letting me use you?" I asked, it was direct. Wala na akong pake, but the truth is. I kinda regret it, fuck.
She didn't flinch, she didn't move. She just looks up at the stars. "Maybe... maybe because I hope that one day, you'll see what's right in front of you. Maybe one day, you'll realize that you don't have to look so far away for happiness." She took a glance of me, and smiled.
I caught that one.
what is she trying to say? that I have people around me who cares for me? if oo, alam ko naman yun. pero parang iba e.....
Never mind. It's not time for this right now. I want peace, and calmness. I don't even know why I asked her such a dumb question.
I gently leans my head on her shoulder. " I'm sorry if I can't comprehend what you're saying now. I'm in some kind of mess right now." I admitted, there's nothing wrong naman e, diba?
"We all are, Zarya. We all are. But maybe... maybe we can be a mess together, right?" She gently chuckles, and pats my head.
Maybe, maybe not.
Kiro's voice cut through the quiet tension. "Doctors! Dinner na tayo, uubusan kayo ni Aisle!"
Xylla squeezed my shoulder gently before standing up. I followed, the earlier moment of fragile connection already fading into the background noise of the group.
As we walked towards the bonfire, kung saan nakaupo na silang lahat sa mga camping chairs, where foods are being pass to everyone. I couldn't shake off the feeling of being watched. Ang weird, I just got here tapos ganito.
While having dinner, I tried to focus on the conversation, sa endless stories ni Kiro about his latest relationship, on Aisle's terrible jokes, on anything but them.
But my eyes kept betraying me. Each time I glanced in their direction, I caught Ryan's gaze lingering on me, a flicker of something unreadable in his eyes before he'd quickly turn away. Or my eyes just playing with me? ano ba?
It was like a twisted game of cat and mouse, except I was the mouse, desperately trying to avoid the trap. Each stolen glance was a tiny pinprick. Hindi ko dapat iniisip to diba? hindi naman big deal.
After dinner, as the others gathered around the small bonfire, I retreated back to my spot on the grass. Doon sa kung saan ako nakaupo kanina ng tahimik. The stars were still there, indifferent to my inner turmoil, but this time, they offered no comfort.
Xylla, ever perceptive, followed me. She settled down beside me, offering a silent presence that was both comforting and suffocating. I wanted to be alone, but I didn't want her to leave.
Before I could get lost in my thoughts, I saw Ryan approaching, a cup of instant noodles in his hand. He offered it to me, his expression carefully neutral.
As Ryan stand behind us, tumayo naman si Xylla. " I'm just gonna...uh.. just gonna get something." and he left. Just like that.
"Didn't see you grab any," Ryan said, his voice devoid of any particular emotion.
"Thanks," I mumbled, accepting the noddles .
He sat down beside me, a small distance separating us, but it felt like an ocean. The silence stretched, thick and heavy, punctuated only by the crackling of the fire and the distant chatter of the others na kahit dito ay rinig na rinig parin.
I couldn't take it anymore.
"Why do you keep looking at me?" The words tumbled out before I could stop them.
Ryan sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Is it that obvious?"
"Yes," I said, my voice barely above a whisper.
"It's just..." He hesitated, searching for the right words.
"It's like you're here, but you're not here.
You're talking to everyone, laughing with them, but.
.. it's like you're a ghost. A ghost I can see, but can't reach.
Ganon ang nararamdaman ko the whole trip, Zar.
Actually, ever since bumalik ka ng pinas e. "
His words hit me harder than I expected. Was I really that transparent? Was my pain so obvious that even him could see it? Tangina, I thought I was good at it.
"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked, trying to sound indifferent, but my voice wavered.
Before Ryan could answer, Kiro. ever the oblivious one, wandered over. "Parang you guys are having a serious heart-to-heart ah."
"Just catching up," Ryan said quickly, shooting me a warning glance.
What's with that look?
Oh, gets.
"Yeah, just catching up," I echoed, forcing a smile.
Kiro, thankfully, didn't press further. Ryan and I were spared, at least for the moment.
As Ralph rambled on, my mind raced. Nag reflect ako ng mga decisions ko these past few months. Why was I so distant? Why couldn't I just be normal, be happy for them, move on?
But then.... If I could, I would. But I can't. It's so hard, only of he knows how hard it is.
"Maybe we just lost our bond," I said, the words slipping out before I could censor them. "You know, over time. People change."
"Because you're dating the girl I love, my mind"screamed. "Because every time I look at you, I see her. Because every time you smile at her, it feels like a knife twisting in my gut."
Ryan looked at me, his eyes searching mine. "Is that really what you think? kasi parang hindi e."
I shrugged, avoiding his gaze. "What else could it be?"
"hmm?" He simply responded, asking for clarification.
"I mean, I don't really consider you someone I could.... You know. someone I should be given some time." I said those words, intentionally. "don't get me wrong, pero alam kong alam mo kung ano ang situation ko right now."
He didn't say anything, but I could feel his eyes on me, dissecting me, trying to see through the carefully constructed walls I had built around myself.
Is he hurt because that's how I think it is? Is he thinking about something else?
If it did hurt him.... good. Let it hurt.
Let him feel a fraction of what I've been choking on since the night he told me about her.
If only he'd seen her that night, 8 years ago, in my bed, tracing constellations on my skin and whispering promises.
But he doesn't. And I'm too much of a coward to paint the picture for him.
"Zarya," he said, his voice soft. "What's really going on?"
I opened my mouth to lie, to deflect, to say anything to avoid the truth. But the words wouldn't come. The weight of my unspoken feelings was too heavy, too suffocating.
"I..." I started, then stopped, tears welling up in my eyes. Tangina, not now please....
Ryan reached out, his hand hovering over mine, but he didn't touch me. "It's okay," he said gently. "You can tell me."
"I'm hurt Ryan, how can I not avoid you? you're dating the girl I love. Because every time I look at you, I see her. Because every time you smile at her, it feels like a knife twisting in my gut."
"you have the woman I dream and always dreamed of."
"You fucking have her."
And in that moment, surrounded by the vastness of the night sky, with the weight of all of these shits pressing down on me, I almost did.
I almost confessed everything, laid bare my soul, and shattered the fragile peace that we had somehow managed to maintain. I was so close na sabihin lahat.
Ryan was about to say something, his brow furrowed with a mixture of concern and curiosity. "Is this still about Chiara? Because, you know, I have a girlfriend now. and she was once your friend, back in high school."
I recoiled, a defensive wall instantly rising around me. "N-no. Of course not. Iris and I... we're not even that close. I didn't even remember her before you introduce her to me. Why would you even think of that?" Labag sa loob lahat ng sinabi ko, but I had to play it cool.
Ryan's gaze intensified, his eyes searching hers for any hint of deception. "I don't know," he admitted, his voice softer now. "I felt the distance growing between us after the night I introduced you to her. So, I just wondered..."
damn it.
Before he could finish his sentence, I did something stupid, yet good move. I purposely spilled some noodles on my clothes. Yes, sinadya ko.
"Oh, shoot!" I exclaimed, feigning surprise and dismay. " ah... sorry Ry, I have to change. Iwan na kita dito."
Without waiting for a response, I scrambled to my feet and hurried towards our tent, desperate to escape the probing questions and the suffocating tension. Bakit kailangan i include si Iris doon???
Good thing, all the other girls are chatting outside. I lay down, think about. What the fuck is happening to me? why am I not good at hiding things anymore? Or am I being obvious?
If this shit keeps happening, this won't be good. Si Ryan na hindi ko naman palaging nakakasama, almost caught me there. What more sa mga friends ko?
this is concerning...
Inside the relative privacy of the tent, I collapsed onto my sleeping bag, my mind racing.
I closed her eyes, willing myself to calm down, to regain control. But the questions lingered, haunting me like unwelcome ghosts.
Now, naintindihan ko si Xylla.
She's right, I should've said no.
He should not be here with us.