Chapter 17- A room for her
Zarya's POV
A week had passed since we went for a hike. It was a nice, and calm night I've ever had.
Yes, kahit kasama si Ryan. I felt something I never thought I would feel. Para akong nabunutan ng tinik, I thought hindi ko kayang makipag usap sa kanya ng matino after everything. I was wrong, kailangan ko lang pala talaga siguro subukan.
That bare moment with Ryan. It was just a quick one, but it made me realize some things.
Maybe yes, I was too hurt that I decided to hurt others. Such as my childhood, Ryan. And the person who cares about me the most, Xylla.
I want to fix and sort things out. I must do it without guilt. I would try my best to remove the hatred I have towards Ryan, and renew the pure bond I once shared with Xylla.
As for Iris. Hindi ko na alam...
I want her back, more than ever. But what more can I do, if the whole world is against me?
How am I suppose to fight for someone who already gave up?
I don't want to give her up, but I don't want hurt the people around me.
I'm currently at my office sa hospital. I'm waiting for Ryan dahil once na dumating na s'ya, I'll spend 2 hours of study with him.
Yes, nag agree na ako to study kasama s'ya. Wala naman akong choice, if kukuha ako ng tutor para tulungan ako, for sure hindi din okay kay Dad. He's very picky when it comes saakin, hindi din naman kasi biro itong papasukin kong industry.
Aside sa hindi ito biro, at madali. I don't want to pursue this. So I'll be having a hard time, for sure.
"Hi, I'm sorry Zar." He entered the room, shaking his head. " the traffic is harsh today, I'm-"
" Let's start, I have something else to do after this." I opened my laptop.
He didn't responded, he just simply took a seat in front of me, and opened his laptop as well. It's my 7th day of learning, and I'd say na may improvements naman. I can't also deny the fact na magaling talaga s'ya magturo, and I was surprised of how smart he is.
" So... where did we ended our lesson yesterday?" He asked, busy typing in his laptop.
" see you tomorrow, Zar. " He said before leaving the room.
"oh, Ryan wait." he immediately stopped when I called him. " Let's not study tomorrow, I'll have a hectic sched so...."
"yeah, sure. No problem, just call me." He said smiling, before finally leaving my office.
I went back to my office chair, and rest for awhile. Kahit mabilis na peace of mind lang after a long tiring lesson.
Sumandal ako sa upuan, and reached for my hotdog pillow na nasa likod lang ng chair ko. I hugged it tightly, and closed my eyes.
"hmmm... I'm sooo tireeeedd." I mumbled to myself.
Holy cow.
I immediately got up, and fixed my posture. baka mahuli pa ako, sabihin bakit ko hinahug ang isang hotdog pillow.
"Hi, lunch kana?" thankfully, it was just Xylla.
" nope, just finished my lesson. Wait mo nalang ako." I fixed my things, and cleared my table.
Hindi kasi ako sanay na pagbalik ko ng office ay may mga kalat, so I always clean it up before leaving. Hindi uso sakin ang "mamaya na".
Xylla and I walked out of my office after I cleared everything. We headed to the cafeteria. Hindi na muna kami lalabas dahil sobrang busy talaga.
After this lunch, aalis na din muna ako para asikasohin naman ang Hotel. These past few days, I was too focus sa hospital. Need ko din bumawi sa Hotel, and sa company ni dad. Hindi naman p'wede na dito nalang ako mag focus.
But the reason behind it, is because dito ako mas comfortable.
Nandito ang mga friends ko, and aside from that.
Mas kabisado ko ang pag manage dito, of course Doctor ako e.
Hindi kagaya sa company ni dad, yes I have the knowledge.
but hindi naman ako engineer? how am I suppose to handle something that is way different from my field of expertise?
I checked my phone to see who's calling. I'm now driving papuntang Hotel, marami daw kasing visitors today, so I also want to pay some visits since I've been absent these past few days.
"Hi, sister. How are you?" I greeted ate Yana on the phone.
I miss her so bad, it's been months since the last time I saw her. Only if I have some free time, I would give a visit sa kanya.
"I misseeeddd youuuu, sisterr" He greeted me back, with her signature Oa voice.
" long time no calls, hmm? What's up?" I said, while holding the steering wheel.
"Nothing's new, I was just busy. I wanted to talk about something, do you have some time?" Her Oa tone vanished. It became serious, fierce. What is it this time?
" yeah, but uhmm... I'm currently driving, I'll call you back later. Is that okay?"
" Sure, take care. Love you.". She said as she hangs up the call.
For almost a week, my life has been so peaceful, and calm. I wonder what's next to happen.
When I arrived at the hotel, hindi na ako nag stop by pa sa front desk. I immediately went to the elevator para pumunta na sa personal room ko. I was so curious of what my sister is about to say.
As I entered my room, I put all my things away. My bag, my tumbler, my hoodie. Even my shoes.
I was about to call her but then I decided not to. Mag h-halfbath nalang muna siguro ako before I call her, para makapag pahinga din muna ako kahit ilang minuto lang.
After I took a half bath, I called her.
Just a few rings, and she answered.
" Hi, so... What's the chika? " I started the conversation, casually.
" are you home? " She asked.
" no, I'm at de-luca. In my room, why?" I asked, confused. Why would she ask? is it that important?
"Open the door for me."
I was surprised. Is she......here???
" Don't mess with me like this, Piccolo figlio di puttana." I cursed out.
(You little son of a bitch.)
" I'm not!" She chuckles. " I'm dead serious, c'mon."
napatayo ako sa kama ko, and rushed to open the door. If she's messing around, I swear to G I'm never gonna answer her calls again!
" Hi." oh, a simple "hi" I did not expect that.
What is wrong? is there something I don't know about? This isn't the Ate Yana I want to see.
" hey, is everything okay?" I held her hand, I pulled her closer for a hug.
"Close the door, Zar." She ordered, so I did follow her words. I gently closed the door, and followed her inside of my room.
" Ate, what's wrong?" This doesn't feel right at all.
" Nothing, I just missed you. Can't I visit anytime I want??" She said, smiling annoyingly na para bang hindi ako pinag alala.
" tell me the truth, you are not okay. Aren't you?" I asked, once again.
But still, she just shakes his head. I wanted to demand an answer, but ai know her well. I can't force her.
I nodded, respecting her privacy, but the questions continued to swirl in my head.
The next day, I saw ate Yana at the garden area of our Hotel. She's sitting there, silently. It's like she's in a thoughts coma.
Yesterday, I didn't get to do my plans. All because of her, I want to give her some time as much as I can dahil alam kong anytime soon, babalik na naman s'ya ng Italy. She hates Philippines more than ever, she hates the traffic, people, vibes, anything about this country.
She prefers Italy in all ways. I can't blame her, she's living the best life there. She has freedom, own will, own life, bold and careless. Why would she trade her life there for the Philippines?
yeah, why would she? That's the question I asked to myself when she came back yesterday. Why would she come back for no reason at all? Bakit???
I hate this feeling, this uncertainty. I hate not knowing what's going on with the people I care about. Especially ate Yana. She's always been my rock, the one person I could always count on. But now... now she's different. Distant. Like she's carrying a burden too heavy to share.
And then there's me. I'm finally starting to figure things out, to untangle the mess I've made of my own life. I don't have to avoid Ryan. I don't have to use Xylla. I can just... be. But can I really? Is it that simple?
Iris. Her name still echoes in my mind, a bittersweet reminder of what was and what could never be again. Seeing her with Ryan... it still stings. But maybe, just maybe, I'm starting to accept it. Maybe I'm starting to realize that my worth isn't defined by her gaze.
Xylla... God, I feel terrible. She deserves so much better than to be a pawn in my pathetic game.
I need to talk to her. I need to apologize.
But how do you apologize for something like that?
How do you tell someone you care about that you were only using them to get someone else's attention?
I mean... alam ko naman na alam n'ya 'yon, but is it okay?
And Ryan... my childhood best friend. The one person who has always seen me for who I am, flaws and all. Can we really go back to being just friends? Is that even possible, with all the history, all the unspoken feelings?
Ate Yana's return... it's a distraction, a welcome one, but also a source of something. I want to be there for her, to support her, but I can't even seem to get my own life in order. How can I possibly help her with whatever she's going through?
Maybe... maybe this is a chance for both of us. A chance to start over, to rebuild, to find our way back to each other. But first, we need to be honest. With ourselves, and with each other.
but how can I be honest with myself? I know damn well I still want her, I fucking do. but I keep on telling myself I don't.
How can she be honest with herself, when she and I are just the same?
She says she's fine, okay, good. But it clearly shows the opposite.
I decided na puntahan at samahan s'ya sa garden. I'll just grab some coffee and pastries.
" Good morning. " I greeted her, as I handed the cup of coffee.
" Thank you, sis. " She just gave me an empty smile.
" so, what's your plan? " I asked.
"what plan?" She replied, confused.
" agenda? "
"oh, yeah. Actually, wala naman. I just decided to back here, to visit you, and visit home." She said, she's still wearing that empty smile on her face.
" I'm free today, shall we visit mom and dad?" actually, I'm not free today. I'm full of scheduled meetings, visits, and work to do. But who cares?
" I don't want to see them." her smile disappeared. Her tone became bland.
what's wrong? is there something going on with them?
" I thought you missed home...—"
" I miss Batanes, I wanna go back there. I wanna enter our house again, but is it even possible?"
oh..... Batanes the place where we grew up. Place where I met her.
but my parents sold that house already. I don't know there reasons. Nasa italy kami noon when dad decided to sell the house.
Actually, I missed that place. I've always wanted to take a visit there. But sadly, my schedule just can't. I was too busy, that I almost forgot about it.
Batanes always have a special place in me.
We traveled almost 8 hours to get here.And yes, it was all worth it.
.......
We're here, at Batanes.
My sister and I are in front of our old house. Nakasilip lang s'ya sa bintana ng sasakyan na nirentahan namin.
I can see in her eyes how much she loves this place. Dito kami sa bahay na to lumaki, dito kami naging mas partner in crime. This is a priceless place that no money can buy.
" Sono sorpreso, walang pinagbago. It just looks the same as before." She said, smiling. This time, that smile wasn't plain. It was her sweet smile.
(I'm surprised.)
"Do you wanna come inside?" She looked at me in disbelief, akala siguro aakyatin namin to.
"are you out of your mind?" She laughed, it was the cutest I've seen today.
"I'm serious."
She looked at me, her smile vanished. "Only if I could buy this house back, I would."
"you don't have to." I showed her the keys of the house.
" Fuck you, Zar. Don't mess around like that." There she goes, pinagmumura na naman ako.
"c'mon!" I got out of the car, and opened her car door. I grab her arms, and pulled her out of the car.
At first, she was hesitant to move, pero wala e. I can just pull her out of the vehicle.
" are you ser—"
She didn't finish her question, she was shocked when the keys unlocked the door. Wala kasing bilib sakin e.
"how did you?—"
"I bought it, c'mon let's tour around." I grabbed her to the living room.
" since when?? it's like the place hasn't change a bit. I can still remember, vividly. This is what it looks like when we left. Did you actually—"
"you're asking too much question now." I glared at her, and she did stop yapping.
" I love youuuu!!!" She hugged me tightly, that I can even feel her happiness.
She went upstairs, to her room. I watched her as she was rushing, I saw the smile I wanted to see yesterday. And I'm happy to see it.
I sat on the couch, admiring the home I once lived in. It's fresh, the memory is still fresh.
The house is clean as well, I hired a weekly cleaner to deep clean the house every week. And they're doing a pretty well job.
As I was sitting here, waiting for ate Yana. I decided na puntahan na rin ang room ko.
As far as I remembered, I have left some valuable things there. I want to check if it's still there, after 8 years.
I'm getting closer, and closer to my room. And it feels heavy, in every step I take. As if someone is telling me not to enter.
I find my keys, untill I found the right one. I inserted it, and it fits. I gently twists the keys, and the door unlocks. I slowly opened the door, I turned on the lights, revealing the room once offered me comfort.
But this time, it offered me something else.
The hinges groan in protest as I push the door open, revealing a scene frozen in time. My old bed, still covered in the same plain white cover, and there.....on the wall.
Eight years. Eight years since I last stepped foot in this room. It feels like a lifetime ago, a different world, a different me.
The air is thick with dust, the scent of forgotten memories clinging to every surface. It smells like childhood, like innocence, like... her.
fuck.
The painting. The painting of Iris and I. My masterpiece, my obsession, my downfall.
I remember spending weeks, months even, painstakingly capturing every detail of her face, the way her eyes sparkled in the sunlight, the curve of her lips when she smiled. I wanted to immortalize her, to preserve her beauty, to make her mine forever.
And for a while, she was. We were. In this room, in this world, we were inseparable. We were invincible. We were... happy. we were once wearing that beautiful smile on our faces.
It's a reflection of us, of what we were, of what we lost.
I reach out, my fingers tracing the outline of her face. The familiar contours, the delicate features... they still evoke a pang of longing, a sharp stab of regret.
Why did it have to end? Why couldn't we have stayed like this, frozen in time, forever young, forever in love?
But time marches on, and people change. We changed. She changed. And I... I was too blind to see it coming. Honestly, I know it was all my fault.
Every object, every corner, holds a memory, a reminder of what I've lost.
There's the old guitar I used to play for her, the one she said sounded like angels singing. The teddy bear she won for me at the town fiesta, its fur matted and worn from years of hugs.
That art thread I worked hard... I was too desperate na aralin yun. It took me months, to finish that piece. It hurts seeing it like this.
I saw a little box in my drawer, filled with envelope with cute little ribbons. An envelope full of words from her.
I don't dare touch them. I don't dare open them. I don't want to shatter the illusion, to confront the reality of what we've become.
This room... it's a shrine to a love that died. A testament to the pain of letting go. A reminder of the girl I used to be. A girl who believes in positivity in all angles.
But that shit doesn't exist. It's a lie we tell ourselves to make the present bearable. And now, all that's left is the past, a bittersweet memory that haunts me still.
I should leave. I should close the door and walk away. But I can't. I'm trapped, caught in the web of my own nostalgia.
I want to scream, to cry, to tear this room apart. But all I can do is stand here, paralyzed by the weight of my own regret.
Eight years. Eight years since I last saw her smile, since I last felt her touch. Eight years of pretending that I don't miss her, that I don't think about her, that I don't still love her.
But I do. God help me, I still do.
And this room... this room is proof.
The floor was cold against my cheek, rough against my skin. I didn't care. Nothing mattered anymore. The painting loomed above me, a cruel reminder of a life that was no longer mine.
The sobs came without warning, ripping through me, tearing at my insides. I curled up, trying to make myself smaller, to disappear, but the pain followed me, a constant, gnawing ache.
Iris. Iris. Iris. Her name echoed in my mind, a broken record, a litany of loss. I saw her face, her smile, the way she used to look at me... and I wanted it back. I wanted her back.
But she was gone. Gone with the wind, gone with the years, gone with someone else. And I was left here, in this dusty room, surrounded by the ghosts of our past.
I screamed. A raw, animalistic sound that tore from my throat, a desperate plea for release. But there was no release, only more pain.
Then, a voice. Soft, gentle, familiar.
"Zarya?"
my sister, ate Yana.
I couldn't speak. Couldn't move. Couldn't even look at her. Shame washed over me, a bitter tide. She was here, seeing me like this, broken and pathetic.
"Zarya, what happened?"
I didn't answer. What could I say? How could I explain the years of longing, the weight of regret, the crushing despair that had finally brought me to my knees?
Then, arms. Warm, strong, familiar. Yana's arms.
She held me close, and for the first time in a long time, I felt safe. Protected. Loved.
"It's okay," she whispered, stroking my hair. "I'm here. I'm here."
I clung to her, burying my face in her shoulder, letting the tears flow freely. I didn't deserve her comfort, her compassion. But I needed it. God, I needed it.
In that moment, surrounded by the ghosts of my past, held in the arms of my sister, I felt a flicker of hope. A tiny spark of light in the darkness.
Maybe... maybe I wasn't completely lost after all. Maybe I could still find my way back.
but fuck this life of mine.
I always say things like this.
"I'll find my way back"
" I'll forget things."
"I'll move forward."
But damn. Bakit ganon?
Tangina, kung saan pinipili ko na ang kung ano ang tama. Doon naman ako hinahabol ng mga bagay na dapat matagal ko nang binitawan.
This sucks, it fucking sucks.
All this time, akala ko okay na ako. I thought I have progress, but fuck!
It's not working. There's no cure for this fucking longing.
Akala ko okay na e.
Is this a way of fate to torment me? o sadyang gusto lang akong pahirapan ng tadhana?