Chasing Dreams, Losing Her.

Chapter 18- Story behind the Italy.

Zarya's POV

"Zarya, calm down. For God's sake, what's happening?" ate Yana....

Only if you know how shattered I am right now, just by seeing all of these. Tangina, ang sakit. I'm not sure what to feel. Just by being here, I'm missing her. At the same time, this is a realization that I shouldn't keep all of these for now.

'cause she's no longer mine to keep.

I know, even from the start. pero hindi ko maintindihan bakit ganito ako.

Ate Yana hugged me tightly, na kahit papano ay nagpakalma sakin.

All this time, akala ko talaga okay na ako e. Hindi pala talaga.

We're at the pool area, sitting. Waiting for each other to break the silence.

She saw everything. All I've done for her. Ano na lang ang isasagot ko sa mga tanong n'ya?

"Zarya."

"Ate, I'm sorry.." I don't know why, but it's the only thing I can say.

"For what, hmm" hinawakan n'ya ang kamay ko, and gently brushes my hair with her fingers.

And in that instance, I broke down again.

unti-unting tumulo ang mga luha ko, and I tried to stop it. But it cannot be stopped, it already started.

I feel so weak, at the same time— relieved.

" take your time, calm yourself up." She said, calming my sanity.

"Go on, ask." I said, starting the deep conversation.

"No, tell me. I'll listen"

This isn't easy for me to say this. Ang hirap, but she's my sister. She should've known this all along.

I cleared my throat, started to compose myself. Hoping I wouldn't lose it all the way through.

"everything you saw in that room is a piece of something I already lost." I paused. Trying to regain myself as I am about to break down once again.

" what do you mean? " She looks confused.

" why do you think I went to Italy with you? "

" because you'll get your degree there, and I was there as well. Bakit?" Yeah, I knew it. She doesn't know, and I'm glad mom and dad kept it a secret, and they did it pretty well.

"ate, can I go home with my friends na lang?" I asked ate Yana, susunduin kasi kami ng driver mamaya, and I don't want to. Gusto kong sumama umuwi sa kanila ni Ryan, syempre kasama si Iris e.

"No, dad has been suspicious lately. Palagi ka nalang daw hindi sumasama umuwi sakin, he's doubtful about you now. " I thought he's too busy to notice that.

" cmon Zar, I'll be leaving soon. Hindi mo ba ako mamimiss?" hay nako, ito na naman s'ya sa paawa effect nya palagi saakin.

" atee, of course I'll miss you. It's just that—"

"that what? that your friends are more important than me? hmm?". She leaned closer, raising her brows at me. Her usual.

"No, not that—"

"Zarrii!" I heard my name being called from afar. Interrupted our. conversation.

I looked around, and I saw Ryan from afar. He's across the street, standing beside the streetlight.

That's Ryan. A friend of mine, and Iris. Well, we are childhood buddies. We've been friends before we could even speak our names. His dad, and mine are very close. More like a brother. That's why naging close din kami ng sobra ni Ryan, he became my ride or die.

While Her and Iris just known each other for like a week or two. I kept Iris a secret from him, he's a playboy, and I know that he gets everything he wants, he's a nice boy though. But I couldn't risk it.

Untill he found out himself. Nahuli n'ya ako with Iris, and I had to play it off, para hindi mahalata I simply said that Iris and I are close friends. Since then, napapasama na si Iris saamin.

It was never planned, but it worked out. I hope it stays the same, hindi parin kasi alam ni Ryan ang tungkol samin ni Iris.

Iris, standing behind him. She looks so cute with her P.E uniform, with a messy bun, and cute backpack. I can't help but stare at her from afar, damn.... she's hot.

"Hey, Zarya we're talking here." Ate Yana interrupted my thoughts.

"Ahhmm.. Bye ate, please cover up for me. I love youuu!!" I hugged her tightly, kissed her, and sprint away.

I left her standing there at the gate, smiling at me.

I saw her across the street, smiling as she waved at me. I ran towards their direction.

That's Iris. She's my girlFRIEND, but most of the time. GIRLfriend.

We've known each other for quite some time already. We met at the organization club selling, became friends, and now... more than that.

But as of now, we can't say it loud. I'm in a very strict, and organized family. My future is set, everything about me is set.

naka arranged marriage na ako, to someone I already know.

but the thing is, that person doesn't know he's going to be my future husband.

My family doesn't even know, but hearing, and seeing everything.

It all make sense now. My future is set as well, what course to take, what path to navigate, and what are the options I could choose.

It almost felt like I was born to live the life that is already served. Not to live with my own will.

While her...... she's living a happy, perfect life with her family. But one thing is for sure, our love would ruin that perfectly carved life.

We're both living our own lives perfectly. The difference is she's living the best on her own will, while I live in a life full of instructions I was forced to follow.

If I were to be honest, I don't see anything about her that suits me. I mean, there's a saying.

"If a fish, and bird fall in love. Where shall they live?" And yeah, it just make so much sense.

We have our own perfect life, and once our world collides, it'll all be ruined.

I have the voice to say her name, but I don't have the courage. And that makes me voiceless.

It's better this way. The world doesn't know, but heaven does.

"hiii!" I greeted her cutely, giggling as if I'm a kid who finally saw her crush.

Well, yes indeed.

"Hey, nandito ako ha." Ryan said, interrupting our moment. Panira talaga kahit kailan e.

"oh, saan tayo?" Iris asked as she wrapped her hands around my waist.

"I want samg sana, can we??" I requested, with my little tone.

"Iris, how can you not get irritated by her voice?" Panira na naman ni Ryan, boset talaga tong secret third wheel namin e.

Iris chuckled. "slowly getting used to it."

Wow ha??

"Hoy Ryan, first of all. Don't call her 'Iris' I'm the only one who can, aight? Second, you can fuck off and leave us alone if ayaw mo marinig— Mmmm!!!"

I didn't even finish, Iris covered my mouth. Nakakainis, pero okay lang. S'ya naman yun hehehe

We're in the mall na, and we're trying to find a good resto to eat. Hindi kami makapag samg dahil gutom na daw si Ryan, heavy meal ang gusto. Pinagbigyan din naman s'ya ni Iris, kaya wala na akong magawa para kontrahin s'ya.

Syempre, order ni ma'am Iris e.

"Dito nalang ohh, kenny rogers" turo ni Ryan

"Ihh, boring walang thrill." I complained. It's not that I'm not grateful, pero everytime Iris and I go out, kahit may kasama pang iba. I want it to be extra special even in the smallest way. Gusto ko ng fun, thrilling, anything na hindi normal for me.

"Ang artey mo!" Ryan said, with her conyo conyo. Ang lakas ng loob mag tagalog, tabingi naman.

"there, mang inasal." Iris pointed at the mang inasal.

"Good job bab— Iris." Muntik pa ako mag slide ah. "But, barehand ha. no utensils." I suggested, g na g naman si Iris, while Ryan looked so disgusted.

Well, wala naman akong pake.

"Oh, tara na—"

"Are we really going to fall in line with that crowd—"

"Shut up." I held Ryan's hand, para hindi na makapag reklamo pa. Hinatak ko na papasok.

Nakapasok na kami, but what we did was just stand there, waiting for I don't know.

Help, I don't know what to do here.

I glanced at Iris, who's not holding her laugh. Halata na siguro n'ya na wala akong alam paano mag order dito, of course ganon din si Ryan.

I held Iris's hands, we're now holding each others hand. "what now?" I asked.

She chuckled, "Let's fall in line, order some foods, and find a seat." She said.

"Hey Ryan, I think ikaw na mag hanap ng empty seat. Iris and I will fall in line here." I suggested, but the truth is gusto ko lang makasama si Iris hehe.

" what the hell, I don't know—"

"Fucking move!" I pushed him, wala na din s'yang nagawa e. naglakad nalang din s'ya.

Kakatapos lang namin kumain. well, only Iris and I. I think Ryan is in food coma right now. But guess what, he's just almost halfway through. Andami pang chicken, may rice padin s'ya. In short, takaw mata. He seems unconscious, parang tanga.

"hi!" I saw a little girl sitting on the next table.

She's staring at me, a stare that judges the look. But doesn't matter, it's just a kid hehe.

But what bothers me the most, is her..... Icecream blizzard! It's DQ! Arghh I want one so bad, nakasanayan ko na mag sweets after a heavy meal. I need oneee

I pity myself looking at a young girl, jealous of her fucking icecream.

"Hey, you're about to drool na oh" Iris suddenly wiped my lips, kahit wala namang laway, anong drool??

"heyy, that's rude." Saway ko, na naaasar sa mga ngiti n'ya, hays.

"Let's get some" My eyes lightened as I heard that magic word.

And it's not just my eyes that ligh

tened. So is the devil.

"Heyy, what are you getting?" Speaking of devil.....

"Icecream." I replied coldly, baka sumama pa e.

" Sama ak—"

"No, you stay here lil bro." I ordered him, pointing my lovely fingers at his ugly face.

" bibilhan ka namin. " Iris eased his agony with those words. Parang aping api kasi ang mukha eh, alangan naman aalis s'ya, eh hindi pa nga ubos pagkain n'ya.

charot, gusto ko lang talaga ma solo si Iris.

" you want DQ or liao?" She asked, habang palabas kami ng mang inasal.

"Hmmm...." I clung to her arms, as I don't know what to say. Bakit ba, gusto ko lang naman talaga na masolo s'ya e.

"What? there's no hmmm in here." Sungit naman nito.

"I'm not sure of what I want, can we go photobooth instead?" I requested, dahil nakakita ako ng cute na photobooth malapit lang.

" Zarii you said—"

" oh, I'm not baby now?? hmm?" I know it's cringe that I said those words to her. Pero pag ako naman gumagawa, okay lang e hehe.

" baby, ang sabi mo you want icecream e. " damnn, she's soooo cuteee

" I changed my mind. "

"Okay, photobooth it is. " Yess!!!!

"hi, how does this work po?" I asked ate who's I think is the manager or owner of this photobooth?

Ang unique kasi ng name eh. " C-li fun shots"

"Hi, so the concept po is silly, funny, or any corny pictures only. So.."

She just started talking, but I saw a familiar guy roaming around the mall. He's wearing a black leather jacket, a black pants, and black shoes. naka-cap s'ya kaya hindi makita ang mukha. Well, he only looks familiar to me since I think I saw him kanina din sa school, and even sa mang inasal.

I'm not sure tho if it's really him, but yeah....

"we have here some facepaint, and lots of silly stuff you could use inside. So this is not just a typical photobooth po, this is way funnier, exciting, and most especially thrilling po." She explained, keeping her smile.

I don't know saan na kami banda nag uusap, but I got lost already. Good thing, Iris is listening.

" are you in?" Iris asked.

"Yeahh" I answered unconsciously.

"So, we can just pick here po anong gusto n'yong face paint para po ma match natin ang look n'yo sa mga props." the girl said, and left to get some paint I think.

" Let's do cat and dog, Zar." Iris suggested, It couldn't hide the disagreement in my face. Well, alam ko naman na pet lover s'ya, pero kasi.... ihh....

"Alrightt! enjoy miss dogie, and meowie!" I don't know if it's an insult or what. But we do look cute tho, aren't we??

" Love, do I look cute?" I asked Iris who's now too focused on looking for a props to use.

"Yeahhh, you look like a cute dog." She said, and damnnnn I find it really annoying.

" wear this." She gave me a dotted white hat, it resembles a dog base on the design. She also gave me a cute glasses that says? " Rawr"

She's also wearing a cat looking hat, and a glasses that says "meow". She looks so cuteee, I did not even know her after we finished at the face paint station, she looks so pink. May pusa bang pink???

"where are you?" The first thing my dad said, as I answered a call from him.

Kakatapos lang namin, and pauwi naman na din sana ako. I'm just looking for kuya Jun, I don't know saan s'ya nag park. I already told him na sunduin ako around 7pm dito sa Mall.

"Ahmm, I'm about to go ho—"

"Quick, we need to talk." Damn, what's wrong? He's tone was too cold. And that doesn't feel right.

" sí " the only word I could say. Something is off, it feels really off.

I hung up the call, and tried to find kuya Jun. He's not even answering my phone call.

"Zar!" I heard someone calling my name.

It was Iris, from the window of her dad's car. "Hop in, hatid ka namin sa bahay n'yo."

Hihindi pa ba ako? I quickly get in, and suit myself.

"Good evening, Uncle." I greeted her dad.

"Good evening, Zarya. How are you today? how's the bonding?" He asked.

"Good po uncle, we had a great time." okay na 'yan, baka ma nosebleed ako e.

English kasi ang way of communication, hindi kasi nakaka intindi ng tagalog ang dad n'ya.

While Iris on the passengers seat looks exhausted, pagod na pagod na ata talaga siguro. She's a productive girly sa school e, no wonder why she's popular. After that inaya ko pa gumala, ay talagang laspag ang katawan.

"Take care po!" I said as a way of thanking them sa pag hatid saakin. I waved them goodbye, and Iris waved back at me.

I was about to enter our gate when my dad opened it for me. He looks, tired, exhausted, and in chaos.

"Where have you been?" That tone wasn't concern at all, it was scary.

"mall." I simply said.

"With?" He asked the least question I expected for him to ask.

he never asked who I was with, he knows I'm with Ryan and Iris. As always.

"po?"

"Get inside." He demanded, so I did.

I entered the house, scared.

"Go to my office, now." He pointed his fingers at the stairs, ordering me to go upstairs.

nasaan sila ate yana, and mommy? They're not home, usually ganitong oras nasa bahay na sila e.

"Dad? what did I do this ti—"

"You will go to Italy, and finish your degree there!" I flinched. It was loud, scary, a goosebump.

" you can't just say that, Pa—"

"Sì, posso dirlo cazzo!"

(Yes, I fucking can.)

" We've already talked about this, and it's settled. I will stay here." what has gotten into him na nag iba na naman nsg isip nito??

"Sì, but you made me changed my mind Zarya! You will go to Italy with your sister!" I know he's really mad, his Italian accent is already here. And that's not a good sign.

" Dad, No! Give me a valid reason. Don't just order me to—"

I was shocked. Deep in shock, when he slams the envelope with pictures in it. Not just a picture, but the photo of Iris and I.

From that moment, I felt nothing but numbness.

My body feels instantly cold, almost a like corpse. I don't know what to say.

I can't say a fucking word. Fuck!

"Valid enough?" his sarcastic tone almost made me flinch. Hindi ko na alam ang sasabihin ko.

Never in my life I was cornered like this. not in this situation.

"She's just a friend." I lied, and it fucking stings.

A sarcastic smirk carved in his lips. "Friend?" he chuckled. "Don't make me a fool, Zarya Eir! You're fucking a woman???!"

I took a few steps backwards, that scared the hell out of me. In the most scariest way possible.

" dad, let's talk calmy. Pleaseee." I begged him to calm down, nakakatakot na talaga to.

"You're going to Italy with your sister.

That's an order from your father who raised you in the most perfect way I could.

Yet you're here, ruining everything I've built for both of you and Yana!

" his voice got louder, his face turned red as he speaks.

Her eyes turned watery in every word that came out of his tongue.

"Italy?" and I swear, I can practically taste the condescension in his voice.

I slam my fist on the table. "So, that's it? Exile? You're shipping Yana and me off to Europe like we're some kind of... problem?" I push back from the table, the chair screeching against the floor, the sound echoing the rage building inside me.

He sighs, a long, drawn-out sound that's supposed to convey patience but just makes my blood boil. "I am putting both of you on the right track, I am making you suitable for the life I've built for both of you. And here you are!" he left out a playful laugh. "Fucking your li—"

I cut him off, my voice rising. "Right track?? By conveniently removing me from the 'unsuitable' influences in my life?"

I take a step towards him, my hands flying up in a gesture of disbelief.

"Because what? The idea of me dating a girl is just too scandalous for your precious reputation?

" I drop my hands, clenching them into fists at my sides.

"Did you even ask Yana if she wants this?

Or is she just another pawn in your little game of control?

" I gave him the gaze that could kill only if it's a weapon.

"You're fucking disrespecting me right now Zarya, and it disappoints every trust I've given to you." His words triggered me.

"Talaga, Dad? Is that all I am to you? A disappointment?" I slowly took a few steps towards him.

He stands up now, his face hardening. "Don't speak to me like that. I am your father, and I am doing what I believe is best for you both."

I moved closer, my voice low and dangerous. "Don't even start with the 'ruining everything' speech, Dad. My life isn't some carefully crafted business deal you can just restructure when it doesn't suit your agenda."

I turn away, pacing the length of the room, trying to contain the tremor in my voice. "You lecture me about legacy, about strength, about forging my own path. But the second I actually do something that doesn't fit your mold, I'm suddenly an embarrassment to be hidden away?"

"Ano ba, Dad? Pag hindi ba ako sumunod sa gusto mo, wala na? I'm nothing?" My tears slowly flows down to my cheeks. It hurts, tangina ang sakit sa pakiramdam.

I whirl back to face him, my eyes burning. "Congratulations," I spit out, the word dripping with sarcasm. "You've successfully exiled your daughter. Whatever, fine. I'm going to Italy, as I should. Right??? Because my precious father would be emba—" I was too stunned, did he just slap me??

I slowly turned around to walk away. There's nothing left I can do. "Za....Zarya I'm sorry. Daughter, comeback—"

I left the room without a word, just a swollen red eyes, messy face, and a broken fucking heart.

This would be the first, and last time he'll touch me. I'm no longer his daughter, I'm just a girl he's molding to become something he wants.