Chasing Dreams, Losing Her.

Chapter 22 the weight of choices

As the last song was about to end, I tried to reach for her hand, to hold it. but she kept her hands to herself, looking forward, hiding her face from me. And as the music played around us, I realized...

We were right where we belong, not where wanted to be.

The concert finally ended. The lights turned back on, bright and blinding, and thousands of people started moving towards the exits. The arena was so crowded, lahat nag mamadali ng makalabas para hindi na maabutan ng traffic. everyone was pushing and shuffling to get out.

We were walking slowly, following the flow of the crowd. It was chaotic and noisy, everyone was talking about how amazing the show was. But amidst all the people moving around us, I suddenly felt panic.

Tinignan ko ang paligid, and for a second, I couldn't see her. The crowd was too thick, people were blocking my view.

"Iris!" I called out, my voice getting drowned by the noise.

My heart raced fast. I was scared I'd lose her in the sea of people. Without thinking twice, I reached out and grabbed her hand tightly. Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya ng mahigpit, making sure she wouldn't go anywhere.

Iris looked down at our hands, then at me. She didn't let go. She just squeezed my hand back and let me lead the way.

We kept walking, holding hands tightly, protecting each other from being pushed around. But as we got out of the venue and into the open area, I realized something.

"Wait... nasaan sila?" I looked around, trying to find Kiro, Xylla, Aisle, and Ralph. But they were nowhere to be found. The place was huge, and there were so many people everywhere. Hindi ko narin sila nakita sa loob.

"Don't panic," Iris said calmly beside me, still holding my hand. "Text them or call them."

I quickly took out my phone and dialed Kiro's number. It rang a few times before he answered.

"Hello!? Doc! Nasaan kayo?" Kiro shouted over the noise.

"We're outside, Near the main entrance. Where are you guys?" I replied.

"Ah Wait lang, pupunta kami diyan doc."

I ended the call and looked at Iris. "They're coming. Dito lang tayo."

We stood there waiting, after a few minutes, I saw them walking towards us. Kiro waving his hands, Aisle and Ralph laughing, and Xylla walking behind them, tahimik at parang wala sa mood.

"There you are" Kiro said as they approached. "Akala naman kung saan na kayo napunta e."

But as they got closer, Xylla's eyes immediately dropped to our hands.

I didn't let go immediately. It took me a few seconds to realize before I quickly pulled my hand away from Iris's.

Xylla just stood there, crossing her arms over her chest. Her face was dark, she wasn't smiling. She looked away, avoiding looking at us, clearly annoyed.

"Ang tagal niyo naman," Xylla mumbled, her voice sharp and cold. She wasn't talking to anyone in particular, but everyone knew she was upset.

"Sorry naman, ang siksikan kasi sa loob," I explained softly.

"Oh tama na, nagututom na ako e." Reklamo ni kiro sabay haplos sa tiyan niya.

"So am I, kain muna tayo please" aisle raised her hand.

So we decided to eat first before going home, marami pa namang resto na open especially na may big event e.

We stopped at a 24-hour diner to eat before going home. The whole time na umoorder kami at umuupo, hindi man lang ako tinapunan ng tingin ni Xylla. Umupo siya sa tapat ko, katabi ni Iris, pero parang hangin lang ako sa paningin niya.

We ordered some foods, and talked about the concert.

"Swerte naman nitong isa kanina, nakaapak ng stage e" Kiro teased Xylla na kanina pa hindi umiimik.

"Uy si Attorney din naman ah" ralph added.

"Grabe silang dalawa kanina, nag essay e. Parang iiyak ako kaso nakakatawa mukha ni Kiro." Pang aasar ni Aisle kay Kiro.

"Para kanino ba yun, doc? Attorney?" Kiro asked.

"wala"

"for no one."

Halos magsabay pa sa pagsalita si Xy at Iris, dahilan para pag tinginan silang dalawa nina Kiro.

Tawanan at asaran dito, everyone was so happy, you could still feel the energy from the show. I tried joining in, sumasagot minsan, tumatawa rin, pero hindi ako mapakali.

Kasi beside me... si Xylla.

She never spoke casually with us.

Nakayuko lang siya while eating slowly. Yung pagnguya niya parang napipilitan lang talaga.

Her hands while holding the spoon were slightly clenched galit man or pagod lang, hindi ko alam, but I could feel how heavy her presence was.

Sometimes kapag may tinatawanan yung iba, napapatingin ako sa kanya to check if she'd smile.

.. pero wala. Her face remained hard, no expression at all, parang hindi niya naririnig yung mga kwento nila. Parang wala siya doon.

Ilang beses ko siyang sinubukang kausapin nang mahina while the others were busy.

"Xy, okay ka lang ba? Masakit ba ulo mo?" I asked

But she just shook her head slowly, tapos nagpatuloy lang kumain without looking at anyone. Her eyes were fixed on her food, dark and distant.

It hurt to see her like this. Dati, she was the loudest among all of us. Siya yung laging namumuno sa kwentuhan, siya yung tumatawa nang malakas, siya yung laging may sinasabi. But now... parang ibang tao na yung katabi ko. Parang she built a wall between us, and I didn't know how to break it down.

Sumulyap ako kay Iris across the table. Tahimik lang din siya, pero ramdam kong napapansin din niya ang nangyayari. Minsan nagkakatitigan kami saglit, parang pareho kaming walang alam kay Xy.

Nang matapos silang lahat kumain, and while they were fixing their things and still talking about how amazing the night was... napabuntong-hininga na lang ako. I couldn't take it anymore. Sobrang bigat na ng pakiramdam ko, and I knew we needed to leave before things got worse.

Tumayo ako at kinuha yung susi ng kotse ko.

"tapos na naman tayong lahat kumain," sabi ko nang malakas para marinig nilang lahat. "Tara na, uwi na tayo. I'll drive and drop you all off one by one."

Ngumiti sila at tumango, agad na sumunod sa akin palabas.

But while walking towards the car, I looked back at Xylla who was at the very end. Nakayuko pa rin, walang imik, walang ngiti. Hangang sa makasakay na kami ng sasakyan.

Sobrang tahimik sa loob, parang may mabigat na ulap na nakabitin sa pagitan namin.

Kiro, Ralph, and Aisle were at the back, pagod at antok na antok na.

Iris was seated in the front passenger seat, quiet as usual, looking out the window, calm and composed pero halatang malayo ang iniisip.

And sa likod naman, katabi nila Xylla. Simula pa nung nagkita kami sa labas ng Araneta, hindi pa siya nagsalita kahit minsan.

Naka-cross arms siya, nakakunot ang noo, and every now and then, sumisinghot siya nang mahina or humihinga nang malalim na parang sobrang bigat ng dibdib niya.

Alam ko na galit siya. Alam kong may masama siyang loob sa akin. Kaya nung dumaan kami sa bahay ni Iris na pinakamalapit sa venue tinanggal ko muna siya sa isip ko saglit.

"Iris, dito ka na?" tanong ko nang mahina habang humihinto ako sa tapat ng gate nila.

Tumango lang siya at bumaba na. "Thank you for the ride. Goodnight everyone."

Isinara niya yung pinto nang mahina at naglakad papasok. I saw Xylla from the rear view mirror, tinitignan niya nang masama yung likod ni Iris hanggang sa mawala ito sa paningin.

Sunod naming hinatid sila Kiro, tapos sila Ralph at Aisle. Isa-isa silang bumaba hanggang sa... kami na lang dalawa ang natira sa loob ng sasakyan.

Sinadya ko talagang si Xylla ang huling ihahatid. Alam kong ito na yung pagkakataon para makausap ko siya nang maayos. Gusto kong ayusin kung ano man yung problema bago kami umuwi.

Habang nagmamaneho papunta sa bahay nila, walang nagsasalita. The silence was loud and painful. Ramdam ko yung galit na kumukulo sa kanya.

Pagdating namin sa tapat ng bahay nila, pinatay ko yung makina. Akala ko magsasalita na siya, pero bumaba lang siya agad ng kotse nang walang pasabi, matalas at mabilis ang kilos. Naglakad siya papunta sa gate nila, parang ayaw niya akong kausapin kahit kailan.

Hindi ako nagpatinag. Bumaba rin ako agad at hinabol siya hanggang sa gate.

"Xylla!" tawag ko, hinawakan ko siya nang mahina sa braso para mapatigil siya. "Xy, wait. Ano bang problema? Why are you acting like this?"

Doon na siya huminto. Dahan-dahan siyang lumingon sa akin, at sa unang pagkakataon... nakita ko yung mukha niya puno ng galit, puno ng sakit, at puno ng luha na kanina pa niya pinipigilan. Binawi niya yung braso niya mula sa hawak ko nang marahas, parang sinunog siya sa pagdampi ko.

"Problema?" ulit niya, mataas at nanginginig na yung boses niya, parang sumabog na lahat ng tinatago niya. "Ikaw pa ang tatanong kung ano ang problema? Talaga ba, Zarya?"

Natigilan ako sa tindi ng tingin niya. "Yes, anong problema? Kanina ka pa ganyan simula pa nung lumabas kami ng venue. Actually kanina pa talaga sa hotel e. Hindi ka nagsasalita, hindi ka tumitingin sa akin...what did I do??"

Napangisi lang siya, mapait at puno ng panghuhusga. Lumapit siya nang kaunti, nakatayo siya sa harap ko at tinitigan ako nang deretso. That's the side of her that's very intimidating, bold, fierce, and runinng out of patience.

"Am I really the one acting weird? Tingnan mo sarili mo, Zarya!

Simula palang ng concert... hangang sa natapos na.

.. sino lang ba ang hinahanap ng mga mata mo?

Sino lang ba ang kasama mo? Nandoon kami ah?

Sino yung hinawakan mo nang mahigpit sa gitna ng siksikan kanina?

Yung tipong parang mawawala yung buhay mo kapag binitawan mo siya?

" Umiling siya at tumawa nang mapang-asar.

"Hindi ako. Hindi sila Kiro. Siya lang. Si Iris lang lagi. "

"Xylla, siksikan kasi sa loob! Natakot lang ako na mawala siya sa dami ng tao—"

"Natakot mawala siya?" putol niya sa akin, tumaas na yung boses at medyo sumisigaw na.

"Pero hindi mo man lang napansin na nawala mo na kami?

Nandoon din kami, Zar! Sumisigaw kami, tinatawag ka, sinusundan ka.

.. pero ikaw? Sobrang busy mo lang na dumikit kay Iris!

Para kaming mga tanga na sumusunod sa inyo, parang mga dagdag lang na tao kasi kayong dalawa lang ang bida sa mundo niyo! "

She took a deep breath, her eyes are getting red. Her face is full of anger, pero ayaw pa rin niya magpakita ng kahinaan kahit tumutulo na ang luha sa mga mata niya.

"Do you know what's worst? Sobrang halata mong desperada ka sa kanya, Zar.

Nakakaawa ka tingnan. Lagi mo siyang hinahabol, lagi kang naghihintay sa kanya, tinatalikuran mo lahat kapag nandiyan lang siya.

And do you know what she does in return?

She doesn't even do half of what you do.

She just stands there, cold and distant, at ikaw naman, tumatakbo palapit sa kanya parang isang asong naghihintay lang ng konting atensyon. "

"That's not fair," bulong ko, nagsisimula nang mamuo yung luha ko sa mga mata ko. "You don't understand what we have. You don't understand her."

"I don't understand? Then make me understand!

" Pinalo niya nang mahina yung gate nila, wala siyang pakialam kung may makarinig o wala.

"Zarya, ako yung laging nandiyan. Kami nila Kiro, hindi siya.

We were the one who stayed, who listened, who fought for you, who was there through every heartbreak and every mistake.

Kami yung laging nakakaintindi sayo!... tapos dumating lang siya ulit.

.. at ganun-ganun na lang... naging wala na kami.

Just a shadow. Just a friend you barely notice anymore. "

My breath hitched. Nanginginig yung mga kamay ko. I looked at her really looked at her, and finally nakita ko lahat. Yung sakit sa likod ng galit niya. Yung katotohanan na matagal na niyang kinikimkim.

"Xylla..."

"I love you, Zarya!" sigaw niya sa wakas, basag na yung boses niya, raw at broken na talaga.

"I love you more than a friend ever should!

And it kills me! It kills me to watch you give everything you have to someone else.

.. someone who treats you like an option.

Someone who puts walls up, someone who is confused, someone who has a million reasons to leave you.

.. habang ako... wala akong kahit isang dahilan para iwan ka.

At kung meron man, I am more than willing to break it just to make you feel complete and whole. "

Natahimik ako. Walang lumabas na boses sa bibig ko. Ang tanging naririnig ko lang ay yung tibok ng puso ko at yung mga salitang bumabasag sa akin isa-isa.

Xylla swallowed hard, at lumambot nang kaunti yung boses niya, hindi na galit... pero talong talo na.

"Kaya ganito ako. Kaya galit ako. Kaya ayoko kayong makita. Kasi sobrang sakit makita mong binibigay mo lahat sa iba... habang ako, handang ibigay yung buong mundo makakuha lang ng kahit konting atensyon mula sayo."

Tiningnan ko siya, luha na rin ang tumutulo sa mga mata ko. Tiningnan ko siya hindi lang bilang kaibigan, kundi bilang taong laging nandiyan para sa akin.

"Xylla..." sabi ko nang mahina, nanginginig yung boses ko. "You are right. You have been there since the beginning. You have done everything for me. And I... I appreciate you so much. You are important to me. You are family to me. You are irreplaceable."

I stopped and wiped my tears away bago ibalik ang tingin kay Xylla.

"But... Iris... Iris holds a special place in my heart.

A place I didn't even know existed until I met her again.

It's not that I choose her over you... it's just that.

.. I don't get to choose who my heart beats for.

Hindi ko napipili na wag siyang mahalaga sa akin, kasi mahalaga talaga siya.

More than I can explain. More than I can control. "

Xylla shook her head slowly, fresh tears falling down her cheeks. Dahan-dahan siyang humarap sa pinto ng bahay nila, ayaw na niya akong tignan.

"Irreplaceable... but not enough," mapait niyang sabi. "That's the saddest part, Zarya. Being irreplaceable but still... second place."

Pumasok na siya sa loob at isinara yung gate nang mahina pero malakas ang dating sa pandinig ko. Naiwan ako sa labas, nakatayo doon sa dilim, pagod, sawi, at litong-lito. Paulit-ulit na tumatakbo sa isip ko yung mga salita niya. "You're too desperate... I loved you first... Second place..."

It all played again and again hangang sa makauwi na ako.

Days turned into weeks. And just like she said, sobrang layo na ni Xylla sa akin.

She doesn't text, call or even have lunch with us. Tumigil na siya sa pagrereply sa group chats. Nandoon nga siya physically hospital, pero parang wala naman siya. Iniiwasan niya ako na parang may sakit ako. Kapag nakikita niya akong paparating sa hallway, lumiliko siya agad sa kabilang daan.

Meanwhile... things between me and Iris changed too. But not in a bad way. Not like before.

We bumped into each other often. Sometimes at the hospital lobby, sometimes at the coffee shop nearby, or minsan nandiyan siya dahil may trabaho.

Lawyer siya kaya madalas talaga siyang nandiyan kapag may mga patient sa hospital na may aksidente o kaso.

Recommended by Ryan so napapadalas na rin siya dito.

I have a free time, so I went to the hospital ER to help out because for some reason, maraming pasyente ngayon.

I took care of the patient who just woke up from surgery.

It was a bad case, maraming bali, sugat, at trauma.

Habang nagsusulat ako sa chart, narinig ko yung pamilyar na boses na kausap yung mga nurse sa reception desk.

I looked up. It was Iris.

She was wearing her usual professional attire. pantsuit, hair tied back sharp and neat, looking every bit the intimidating attorney everyone feared. She was talking calmly but firmly, asking about the patient. Turns out... itong pasyente pala ay kliyente niya.

She finally turned, and our eyes met.

Before, every time na ganito, punong-puno ng tensyon, awkwardness, at matitinding titigan. Pero ngayon... it was different.

She looked at me, I looked at her. No coldness. No anger. No awkwardness. Just... recognition. Peace.

"Doc Zarya," she said simply, tumango lang siya nang kaunti bilang bati. Her voice was polite, professional, but warm.

"Attorney." sagot ko, binigyan ko siya ng maliit at totoong ngiti. "I was just about to check on your client. He's stable now, out of danger. Maraming nabali at sugat, but he will recover."

Lumapit siya nang kaunti, tumayo sa tabi ko habang tinitingnan yung mga records. "Thank you. I heard it was critical when he arrived. Good job."

"Just doing my job," mahina kong sabi.

We stood there for a few more minutes, discussing the patient's condition, timeline, and paperwork.

All professional, work-related, normal conversation.

Hindi kami naghawak ng kamay. Wala kaming binanggit tungkol sa concert, sa mga kanta, o sa gabing magkasama kami.

Hindi namin pinagusapan si Xylla o yung away namin. We were being professional.

But the feeling was there. Wala na yung sama ng loob.

Yung mga pader na lagi niyang itinatayo sa harap ko?

Wala na rin masyado. We were okay. Not close like lovers, not clinging like, but.

.. okay. Civil. Comfortable in a quiet way.

Parang dalawang tao na alam kung ano ang halaga nila sa isa't isa, pero tinanggap na kung nasaan kami ngayon.

"Call me if there are updates," sabi ni Iris, isinabit yung bag niya sa balikat. She paused for a second, looked at me with that familiar softness in her eyes. "Take care, Zarya."

"You too, Iris," sagot ko.

Naglakad na siya palayo, at pinanood ko siyang umalis, pero mas magaan na yung pakiramdam ko. Hindi pa ito lahat ng gusto ko, pero simula na ito. And it was way better than the hatred or the cold war we used to have.

But then... I looked around the lobby. I looked at the cafeteria kung saan kami laging kumakain. I looked at the entrance kung saan laging naghihintay si Xylla para sa akin.

And the heavy feeling came back. Kasi habang inaayos ko yung lahat kay Iris... parang tuluyan ko namang nawawala si Xylla.

Ilang araw pa ang lumipas pero ganun pa rin. Hindi pa rin kami nag-uusap ni Xylla. I couldn't take it anymore. The silence was deafening.

Nakita ko siya sa parking lot while I was about to go home. She was walking fast towards her car, nakayuko, nagmamadaling umalis bago pa may makapansin sa kanya. But this time, hindi ko na hahayaang umalis siya nang ganun lang.

"Xylla!" tawag ko, tumakbo ako para habulin siya.

Natigilan siya saglit, pero hindi siya huminto. Tuloy tuloy lang siya sa paglalakad, mabilis na binubuksan yung sasakyan niya.

"Xylla, please! Stop!" Naabutan ko siya at tumayo ako sa harap ng pinto ng kotse niya, hinaharangan siya para hindi siya makapasok.

Huminto siya, she looked at me with her tired and cold eyes. She crossed her arms, yung dating mataray na tindig, pero ngayon... parang ubos na ubos na siya.

"What now, Zarya?" tanong niya, flat at walang emosyon yung boses niya. "What do you want? You got what you wanted. You and Iris are fine now, right? Nakita ko kayo kanina. Smiling, talking like nothing happened. You don't need me anymore."

"Bakit ka ba ganyan?" tanong ko, nagsisimula nang manginig yung boses ko at mapuno ulit ng luha yung mga mata ko. "Why are you doing this? Why are you avoiding me? Why won't you talk to me?"

Xylla let out a long, sad sigh, at dahan-dahang ibinaba yung mga braso niya. Tumingin siya sa akin, at sa wakas, nakita ko ulit yung sakit na tinatago niya.

"Nangyari yung ikaw, Zarya. Nangyari yung siya," sagot niya nang mahina.

"Nagbago ang lahat nung pumasok siya ulit sa buhay mo.

At tanggap ko naman yun eh. Tanggap ko na hindi ako yung gusto ng puso mo.

Pero ang mahirap lang... sobrang sakit lang makita na sa dami ng pwede mong piliin.

.. sa dami ng taong nandiyan para sayo..

. siya pa rin ang pipiliin mo kahit nasasaktan ka na, kahit nasasaktan na kaming mga nandito sa paligid mo. "

Umiling siya at napatingin sa malayo.

"And it hurts more... na habang lumalapit ka sa kanya... palayo ka naman nang palayo sa amin. Sa akin."

Nanghina yung tuhod ko at dahan-dahan akong sumandal sa gilid ng kotse niya. Her words hit me hard, deeper than any knife ever could.

And right there... standing in the middle of the quiet parking lot... the realization hit me. So painful. So heavy. So real.

Napaisip ako... Do I really have to choose?

Kasi parang ganun na nga eh. Parang nasa gitna ako ng dalawang mundo.

Sa isang banda... nandiyan si Xylla. Ang taong kahit sa madaling panahon ay nakabisado ako, yung alam lahat ng kasalanan ko, lahat ng kahinaan ko, pero mahal pa rin ako.

And Losing her... parang nawawalan na rin ako ng sarili ko.

Parang tinatanggal ko yung pundasyon kung saan ako nakatayo. She really became important to me."

But on the other hand...Iris was there. The person I thought I lost. The temptation in my life, she is my history, present, and she is my future. She is the person I am so close to finally having completely... yung taong pakiramdam ko ay para sa akin talaga kahit gaano pa karaming hadlang.

And standing there, between losing Xylla and finally getting the woman I love... naramdaman ko yung sakit na hindi ko maipaliwanag.

Pero hindi lang naman si Xy ang mawawala, my family, and reputation.

Why does love have to be this cruel? Why does happiness always come with a price so high?

Am I really supposed to pick one and let the other go?

Am I really supposed to break one heart just to make another whole?

Tumingin ako kay Xylla, at sa isip ko ay nakita ko rin si Iris. Nasa gitna ako ng dalawang taong mahalaga sa akin, pero pareho silang nagiging dahilan ng sakit ng isa't isa.

I realized... this wasn't just about liking someone anymore. This was about losing pieces of myself, one by one, depending on which path I take.

And the hardest truth of all... is that no matter what I choose... someone will end up crying. Someone will end up walking away. Someone will end up alone.

And right now... looking at Xylla's tearful eyes... I realized that maybe... just maybe... I was already losing them both... dahil sa pagiging litong-lito ko.

"Xy..." bulong ko, punong-puno ng sakit at pagod.

"I don't want to lose you. Please... wag mo naman akong ilayo nang ganito.

Pero... pero hindi ko rin kayang bitawan yung nararamdaman ko para sa kanya.

Why does it have to be like this? Bakit parang kailangan kong mamili kung alin ang mas mahalaga.

.. eh pareho naman kayong buhay sa mundo ko? "

Pero alam ko naman yung sagot kahit hindi pa siya nagsasalita.

And the worst part? I knew that sooner or later... I would have to make a choice. A choice that would break me either way.

I just turned around and walked back to my car.

I watched her drive away until her taillights disappeared into the dark.

Wala na akong nagawa. I had nothing left to say.

I was tired...tired of explaining, tired of running after people, and most of all.

.. tired of hurting and being hurt by the people who matter most to me.

I sat inside and rested my hands on the steering wheel, taking a deep, shaky breath. It was quiet around me, but inside my mind, everything was so loud. Every word we threw at each other kept echoing. her anger, her pain, her confession... all of them felt like thorns stuck deep in my heart.

I drove home slowly, parang ayoko pang makarating pero kailangan.

The weight in my chest felt heavier with every kilometer I passed.

When I finally arrived, I walked straight inside, silent and drained.

I changed my clothes, but I didn't lie down.

Instead, I walked over to the big window and pulled back the curtains.

I just stood there, looking out at the dark sky and the distant lights of the houses. The cold wind blew in, but I didn't feel it. The only coldness I felt was coming from my own heart.

And right there... standing alone in the dim light... everything finally hit me. Everything became clear.

I thought about Xylla.

I remembered everything she did, everything she endured, every sacrifice she made just for me. Her love... it was so clear. No doubts, no fear, no complications. Her love was sure. Pure. Genuine.

Every time she looked at me, I knew exactly where I stood.

Every moment with her, I knew I was the only one that mattered to her.

Never once did she make me question if she loved me or not.

Never once did I feel like I was second place or that I could easily be replaced.

It was clear. Strong. Certain. Kasi para sa kanya.

.. I was the one she chose, from the very start until now. No one else. No games. Just me.

But then my mind drifted to Iris.

She was the reason everything changed, she was also the reason my heart started beating again. But as I stared into the darkness... I realized the truth I had been hiding from myself for so long.

Her love... is still undecided. She is still not sure.

Her fears are still there, the walls she built are still standing. Most days, being with her feels like walking on broken glass I never know when she will stay, I never know when she will leave. And worse... I never really know where I truly stand in her life.

Red and white...

That thought kept running through my head.

She feels stuck in the middle. No matter how strong what we feel is, it's like something is still blocking her.

Like she hasn't fully chosen yet, like she is still weighing things out.

There are days when I feel so close to her.

.. but nights like this, where she feels miles away, parang hindi pa niya kayang ibigay nang buo.

With Xylla, I already held her whole world. But with Iris... I am still wandering in the dark, just hoping that maybe tomorrow, baka sa susunod, she will finally be sure about me too.

And standing there, caught between these two realities... I felt completely broken all over again.

It hurts so much to realize... that out of all people, this is what I got. The person who is sure about me... is someone I cannot fully love back. And the person I want to be with for the rest of my life... is someone who isn't sure if I am really the one she wants to choose.

I blinked hard, and I felt my eyes turning wet. Tears were about to fall, but I held them back. The truth was painful, too heavy to carry all alone.

I rested my forehead against the cold glass of the window.

I know now. Everything is clear.

But it still hurts. It still hurts to know I am stuck in the middle. On one side, a love that is whole and true... but one I cannot accept. On the other, a love I want so badly... but one that is full of doubts and far from complete.

I am still here. Waiting. Hoping. And almost crying silently by the window, surrounded by darkness and questions that have no answers yet.