Chasing Dreams, Losing Her.

Chapter 37 just how fast the night changes

Zarya's point of view

It's been a few days...a few days of torture and torment. Hangang ngayon hindi parin akong mapanatag dahil sa lahat ng nangyayari. Ilang araw nalang at bidding na, finally.

In just a few days, I will be at ease. Iris will be safe, dad would be happy, and I will be free from all of this mess.

Pero sa ngayon, habang magulo pa ang lahat. Kailangan ko muna siyang protektahan. The room was silent. Too quiet. The kind of silence that screams, that weighs heavy on your chest until you can barely breathe.

I sat there, elbows resting on my knees, head bowed down, eyes fixed on the cracked screen of my phone lying on the table in front of me.

That small spiderweb fracture across the glass felt like a reflection of my own heart.

..broken, damaged, hanging by a thread, but still functioning enough to feel every bit of pain.

On the screen, glowing brightly and burning itself into my mind, was the last message I received from that no name. No number. Just words written in cold, cruel letters that made my blood run cold every time I read them.

I stared at those words for what felt like hours.

My thumb traced the cracked glass, trembling slightly.

I thought I did everything right. I thought money could buy safety.

I thought hiring the best security team, putting men everywhere, watching every corner.

.. would be enough. I did it all for her.

Just to keep her safe. Just to make sure nothing bad would ever touch her.

But I was wrong. So terribly wrong.

"Protection is not enough..." I whispered to myself.

"Security, guards, walls, locks... wala silang silbi.

Wala silang nagagawa. Dahil habang nandito ako.

.. habang nakatayo ako sa gitna ng lahat ng gulo na ito.

.. habang kasama ko siya... hinding-hindi siya magiging ligtas.

" The realization hit me hard, sharp and painful, like a punch straight to my chest.

As long as I am standing in the middle of it.

.. she will never be safe. Sterling. My father.

Eric Valenti. All of them. They don't want the land just for the land.

They don't want the bidding just for the money.

They want to destroy me. And the easiest, fastest, most painful way to destroy me. .. is through Iris.

She is my weakness. She is my heart. She is everything I care about. And they know it. They know that as long as I love her, they have power over me. As long as I stay by her side, she is a target. Every threat, every danger, every move they make... it's all directed at her because of me.

"Kung mananatili ako..." I thought, tears starting to prick my eyes, blurring my vision.

"Kung mananatili ako sa tabi niya... magiging masaya siya.

Magiging masaya kami. We would be happy.

..but with all those smiles—may kapalit na panganib.

In every moment spent with here, is a nightmare. She will always be in danger.

I closed my eyes, and the memory of eight years ago flashed in my mind, the last time I left her.

The pain in her eyes. The confusion. The questions I never dared to answer.

And the promise to myself na balikan lang niya ako, hinding hindi ko na siya iiwan ulit.

I left her then to protect her, and now—history was repeating itself.

"Pero kung aalis ako..." My throat tightened, my heart squeezing painfully.

"Kung lalayo ako... kung aalis ako ulit.

.. sasaktan ko siya. I am just gonna hurt her so much, just like I did 8 years ago.

Iisipin niya na iniwan ko siya kasi gusto ko.

Iisipin niya na wala akong pakialam. Iisipin niya na laro lang ang lahat ng ito.

She will continue to live with coldness and pain with the thought that I left her again.

But as long as she is alive and safe, kakayanin ko ulit.

I opened my eyes again, staring at the cracked screen, at the cruel words that decided everything. Her safety is far way more important than anything I have.

More important than my happiness. More important than my love. More important than being with her. More important than anything in this world.

"Mas pipiliin kong kamuhian niya ako habang buhay, kaysa makita ko siyang masaktan o mawala dahil sa akin. Mas pipiliin kong magdusa ako mag isa... basta't alam kong ligtas siya at payapa ang buhay niya."

I took a deep, shaky breath, wiped the tears from my cheeks, and sat up straighter. I made my decision. This was the boldest, hardest, most painful choice I would ever make, but it was the only choice.

I picked up my phone, unlocked it, and went straight to her name. Iris. Just seeing her name made my chest ache.

I had to talk to her. I had to see her. I couldn't just disappear again without a word... even though I knew what I was about to say would hurt her more than anything.

My plan was clear in my mind now. I will talk to her, I will explain.

.. not everything, but enough to make her understand we need space.

I will tell her we need to take a step back.

We need to give time for each other. We must never cut ties completely, but we will never contact each other for as long as the bidding is still ongoing.

Until everything is over. Until the bidding ends.

Until Sterling and my father and Eric Valenti are gone or satisfied.

Until she is safe. Mabilis nalang din naman ito, just a small and short sacrifice for both of us.

Only then, maybe... if I am still alive and still standing. Maybe I can come back. But for now? This was the only way.

My finger hovered over the call button. My hand was shaking so hard I almost dropped the phone.

I pressed the button. It rang. Once. Twice. Three times.

And then... her voice. Bright, warm, full of life, full of love, the voice that was my whole world.

"Hi my Doctor! Did you miss me?" She laughed softly, that sweet sound that used to make everything okay.

I swallowed hard, forcing my voice to sound steady, even though inside I was breaking into a million pieces.

"Iris... yes... it's me." I paused, gripping the phone tighter. "Ahm.. can we meet later? We need to talk, this is important."

There was a small pause on the other end, then she answered, her tone shifting to soft, trusting, happy.

"Oh...sure. I'll pick you up later?"

"yes, please." I whispered, my heart shattering even more. " 8pm, fetch me at my place"

"Zarya... okay ka lang ba?" she asked, her voice turning soft and worried, right after I said I just needed to see her. "you don't sound good today. Something's wrong, what happened?"

My heart squeezed so tight I thought it would stop beating. I wanted to tell her everything right then. I wanted to scream. Gustong gusto kong sumigaw na hindi ako okay, that I am in a maze. I am in pain, fear, and full of doubts.

But I swallowed it all down. I forced a small, empty breath, and lied through the pain.

"Y-yes... okay lang ako," I managed to say, my voice barely audible, cracking slightly. "I'm just...tired. But I am fine."

I heard her sigh softly on the other end, still sounding unsure, still suspicious, but trusting me anyway just like she always did.

"Okay, if you say so. Tell me if something happens, okay? take a rest, I love you." Her voice sounds concerned, and inlove at the same time.

"Oo... ikaw din. I love you too, Iris" I whispered, before finally ending the call.

I dropped the phone onto the table again, my shoulders sagging as I let out a long, broken breath.

I sat there in the silence again, staring at nothing, my mind already racing with what I was going to say to her later.

How was I going to tell her we needed to stay away?

How was I going to explain that I had to step back, that we couldn't talk or meet while the bidding was going on?

How was I going to look her in the eye and see the pain and confusion I was about to put her through?

I was lost in my thoughts, drowning in sadness and fear, when suddenly... my phone rang again.

Loud and sharp, breaking the heavy silence.

My heart skipping a beat. I looked down at the screen, half-expecting it to be her again... but no. The name on the display made me breathe out a small, tired sigh.

It was Kiro.

I hesitated for a second, then picked it up. My voice was still low, still heavy, barely above a whisper when I answered.

"Hello? kiro?..."

"Zarya! Finally!" His voice was bright, energetic, and warm, the complete opposite of how I felt right now.

"Kamusta ka na? Grabe, ang tagal na kitang hindi nakakausap nang maayos.

Ang tagal na kitang hindi nakita, sabi nila sobrang busy ka daw nitong mga nakaraang linggo.

.. sobrang stress, puyat, laging nagmamadali. .. parang wala ka nang pahinga."

I closed my eyes, rubbing my forehead wearily. She was right. I had been busy. I had been stressed. But not for the reasons they thought. If only they knew... if only they knew what I was really going through.

"Oo... medyo maraming inaasikaso lang" I answered vaguely, my voice still flat and lifeless. "But I am doing fine"

"Ayos lang daw? Sus Zarya, kilala kita!" Kero laughed softly, but there was concern in her tone now.

"Alam namin na pagod ka na. Halata sa mga mata mo kapag nakikita ka namin.

Halos hindi mo nanga kami pinapansin kapag nandito ka sa hospital, halata sa kilos mo.

Alam namin na sobrang bigat ng dinadala mo ngayon.

.. at ayaw ka naming makita na ganyan na ganyan lang.

Kailangan mo ng pahinga. Kailangan mo ng oras para sa sarili mo. "

He paused for a second, then his tone turned cheerful and inviting.

"Kaya nga tumawag ako, we all talked about you earlier.

Napansin talaga namin na sobrang kaabala mo nitong mga nakaraan parang wala ka nang oras para sa sarili mo, para sa amin, para sa kahit ano pa man.

Kaya gusto ka naming yayain... lumabas tayo, magsama-sama, magkaroon ka ng kahit kaunting kapayapaan at pahinga. We all need some rest din naman."

I frowned slightly, shaking my head even though she couldn't see me. "Kiro... hindi ko kaya ngayon... marami pa akong—"

"Huwag ka nang tumanggi!" He cut me off playfully but firmly.

"We can go to the bar, or let's just get something to drink.

Pwede sa bahay ko, o sa bahay mo kung mas komportable ka doon, o kahit saan pa man.

Ang mahalaga ay makapagpahinga ka kahit sandali lang.

Gusto lang namin na makita kang nakangiti ulit, Zarya.

Gusto lang naming tulungan ka na kahit paano gumaan ang pakiramdam mo. "

I listened to him, my heart aching even more.

They were so good to me. They cared so much.

They saw me breaking down, they saw how tired and stressed I was, and they just wanted to help.

They didn't know that the reason I was falling apart.

.. was the very thing I was about to do to the woman I loved.

They didn't know that no amount of hanging out, no amount of laughter, no amount of rest... could ever fix the pain I was feeling right now.

"Kiro...thank you for caring about me" I said softly, my voice cracking again. "But I really have something important to do"

Before I could even say another word, Kiro's tone shifted completely. The lightness, the jokes, the playful energy I was used to hearing from him... vanished instantly.

His voice turned deep, firm, and dead serious, so serious it sent a strange shiver down my spine.

This wasn't the kiro I knew. This wasn't the guy who always had a funny remark, who teased me, who turned every heavy moment into something light.

This time... he sounded like a father. Strict, worried, and firm like he was scolding a child who was hurting herself without realizing it.

"Zarya, makinig ka sa akin," he said, no laughter, no softness left.

"Sobra na 'to. Sobrang sobra na ang ginagawa mo.

Ilang linggo na kitang nakikita — puyat ka palagi, hindi ka kumakain nang tama, halos wala ka nang pahinga.

Ang tingin mo ba sa sarili mo? Robot ka ba?

Machine ka ba? Wala ka bang limitasyon?! "

I froze, holding the phone tighter, my heart pounding harder. I wanted to answer, to explain, but he didn't let me. He kept going, his voice sharp and full of concern that felt like a heavy weight on my chest.

"Kailangan mong magpahinga! Maraming beses ko na 'yang sinasabi sa'yo pero hindi ka nakikinig!

Kailangan mong alagaan ang sarili mo! Respeto naman sa katawan mo, Zarya!

Tao ka lang, hindi ka bakal. Napapagod ka rin.

Nasasaktan ka rin. At kung ipagpapatuloy mo 'to.

.. kung itutuloy mo pa ang pagdadala ng lahat ng bigat na 'yan mag-isa.

.. mapapahamak ka lang. Gusto mo bang magkasakit?

Gusto mo bang bumigay ka na lang bigla? Dahil 'yun ang mangyayari kung hindi ka titigil! "

Every word hit me hard. Every sentence felt like a slap, not out of anger, but out of pure worry.

I knew he was right. I knew I was pushing myself beyond my limits.

I knew I was falling apart little by little every single day.

But how could I rest? How could I take care of myself when every second I breathed, every second I was alive, Iris was in danger because of me?

"Kiro... hindi mo naiintindihan..." I tried to whisper, my voice cracking, tears welling up again. "May mga bagay lang... may mga bagay na kailangan kong gawin... kailangan kong ayusin..."

"Wala nang dapat ayusin kung mapapahamak ka naman sa huli!

" he cut me off, voice even firmer now. "Umpisahan mong pahalagahan ang sarili mo, Zarya.

Magpahinga ka. Magpahinga ka, hindi ka makakagawa ng tama kung sira-sira ka na mismo.

Alagaan mo ang sarili mo, hindi ka makina.

Tao ka lang. Tao ka lang na nasasaktan at napapagod.

Huwag mong hayaang matapos ka nito."

I couldn't take it anymore.

The weight of his words, the seriousness in his voice—this wasn't Kiro. Kiro jokes around, Kiro laughs, Kiro makes everything easier. But now he was being serious, fatherly, strict... and it broke whatever little strength I had left.

On top of the threats, on top of the bidding, on top of my father's hatred, on top of the decision to leave Iris... this was too much.

My head was spinning. My chest felt like it was being crushed.

Everything was too loud, too heavy, too painful.

I felt like I was drowning, like everything around me was crumbling and falling into pieces, and I didn't know how to hold anything together anymore.

I didn't know what to do, where to go, who to turn to.

"Hindi ko na kaya..." I whispered, barely audible, my hand shaking violently. "I couldn't take this anymore, everything is falling apart...everything is fucking messed up.

I couldn't listen to another word. I couldn't handle one more scolding, one more reminder of how broken I was, one more voice telling me what to do when I already had the hardest choice of my life weighing on me.

Without another word, without saying goodbye... I dropped the call.

I pulled the phone away from my ear, pressed the end button, and threw it onto the sofa beside me like it burned me.

I buried my face in my hands, bending forward, sobs shaking my whole body, silent and desperate.

My mind was a mess, a chaotic storm of fear, pain, guilt, and confusion.

Everything is falling apart. Everything is crumbling.

I have nothing left. I am nothing left.

But through all the noise, through all the pain, through all the chaos... one thought stood out above everything else.

Iris.

No matter what happened. No matter how broken I was. No matter how much I suffered or how much I lost... she was the most important thing.

There's nothing more important now, I wiped my tears roughly, standing up shakily, determination mixing with my pain. All I needed to do is to fix everything with her, kahit pa ako yung masira.

Kiro was right, I am not a machine. I am human, and I am breaking. But right now? I didn't care about myself. I didn't care about rest. I didn't care about my own limits. The only thing I wanted, the only thing I needed, the only thing that mattered... was to fix things with Iris first.

I grabbed my bag, wiped my face one last time, and walked out the door, every step heavy, every breath painful, but my mind set on one thing only....Her.

____

Every second feeling like an eternity as I waited for her. The weight of everything I had decided, everything I was about to do, pressed down on me like a mountain, crushing me slowly. I knew... I knew that tonight, I was going to break the only good thing I had left in this world.

And then... I saw her.

She was walking towards me, and just like always, the moment my eyes landed on her, everything else seemed to fade away.

She was glowing. Even from a distance, I could feel it, that bright, warm, light aura that surrounded her, the kind of light that used to be my only peace, my only home.

She was smiling that wide, genuine, radiant smile that could light up even the darkest room, the smile that belonged only to me.

She didn't even wait for me to step out.

She ran the last few steps, pulled the passenger door open quickly, and slipped inside, closing the door behind her as if she couldn't bear to be away from me even for a second.

Before I could even say a word, her arms were already wrapped tight around my neck, pulling me close into a warm, tight embrace.

"Hi, my Doctor" she beamed, her voice so full of joy, so soft and sweet, it almost made me cry right then and there. "I miss you so much."

She called me that name again... My Doctor.

The name she gave me, the name that only she could say, yung pangalang siya lang ang may karapatang itawag sa akin.

Dati, sa tuwing maririnig ko 'yan, pakiramdam ko buo ako, I feel safe and loved.

But tonight... hearing it felt like a sharp knife twisting deep inside my chest. Because I knew.

.. alam ko na sa lalong madaling panahon, very soon.

.. aalisin ko na ang sarili ko sa buhay niya.

Before I could answer, before I could even catch my breath, she leaned in and pressed her lips against mine. Soft, warm, tender... malambing at puno ng pagmamahal, a kiss filled with longing, with happiness, with everything she felt for me.

I kissed her back immediately, I couldn't help it.

She let go of me, but mu hands instinctively reached out to hold her waist, to pull her closer, sinasabing sa isip ko na I need to make the most out of this.

.. to memorize this feeling, this warmth, this taste.

.. because I knew deep down, baka ito na ang huling pagkakataon.

But even as I kissed her back, even as I breathed in her familiar, sweet scent that always felt like home... may naramdaman akong mali. May kakaibang bigat.

It wasn't her. It was me.

Parang may pader na bumuo sa pagitan namin ngayon, pader na ako mismo ang gumawa.

A wall made of secrets, of threats, of danger, of the painful decision I had made.

Nandito siya, sobrang lapit, punong-puno ng liwanag at pagmamahal.

.. while I am here. Broken, torn into pieces, and carries a burden.

It felt like I was lying to her, betraying her, kunwari ay ako pa rin 'yung Zarya na mahal niya.

.. when in reality, paalis na paalis na ako sa kanya.

I pulled away slowly, resting my forehead against hers for a second longer, gusto ko sanang magpanggap na ayos pa ang lahat kahit sandali lang.

She looked at me with those beautiful, trusting eyes, shining with happiness, nagniningning sa tuwa, habang wala man lang ideya sa bagyong nagaganap sa loob ko.

"So... where are we going, Doctor?" she asked softly, her fingers gently brushing the hair away from my face, smiling that sweet, innocent smile again.

I took a deep, shaky breath, trying to steady my voice, trying to hide the pain and fear threatening to spill out.

"I wanna go somewhere " I started, my voice low, heavy, thick with emotion I couldn't fully hide. "Do you know a a quiet and peaceful place?"

I looked at her, desperation clear in my eyes, even though I tried to mask it. "I need some fresh air, and a moment with you...alone."

She tilted her head slightly, studying my face for a brief moment probably noticing how tired I looked, how empty my eyes were, how forced my smile was but then that bright, understanding smile returned. She didn't question me. She never did. She just trusted me.

"Hmm... gusto mo bang pumunta sa Tagaytay?" she suggested, her tone light and easy, like she was already planning the whole thing in her head, happy just to be with me. "We can just stop at any perfect spot, by the side of the road or bridge or whatever. What do you think?"

I nodded slowly, my eyes never leaving hers, drinking in every detail of her face, terrified I would forget even a single line or expression.

"Sige... kahit saan," I whispered, my hand reaching out to gently caress her cheek a touch that held so much goodbye in it, so much hidden pain.

She beamed, satisfied and happy, and immediately shifted seats moving to the driver's side. "Okay, I'll drive nalang. Okay?"

I moved over to the passenger seat, leaning back against the soft leather, my body feeling heavy, exhausted, drained of every bit of strength I had left.

As she started the car and pulled out onto the road, leaving the city lights behind us, heading toward the cool, winding roads leading up to Tagaytay.

.. I watched her. I watched the way she held the steering wheel, the way she hummed softly to a song I couldn't hear, the way her hair fell over her shoulder, the way she looked so free and happy.

But even though she was cheerful, even though she was radiant... she noticed. She noticed everything. She knew me too well. She knew every shift in my mood, every change in my eyes, every weight I tried to carry.

We had been driving for maybe twenty minutes, the noise of the city fading into the quiet darkness of the highway, when she spoke up again, her voice softer now, laced with concern.

"Alam mo, Zar..." she started, glancing sideways at me for a second before returning her eyes to the road. "I have noticed you've been out of your usual mood, is there a problem?"

My heart squeezed painfully. I looked away, staring out the window at the passing trees and dark sky, unable to meet her gaze.

"Wala naman...I'm just tired," I lied, my voice barely above a whisper, rough and hollow.

She didn't seem fully convinced, but she didn't push me further. She knew me, she knew that when I was like this, I wouldn't talk until I was ready. She just sighed softly, her hand reaching over to briefly squeeze my hand resting on my lap.

"Okay, I hope you don't keep lies to me" she said gently, her voice warm and kind, always understanding. "Just take a nap, I'll just wake you up later, okay?."

I didn't answer. I couldn't. What could I say? Thank you? I'm sorry? I love you? I'm going to leave you?

I just nodded faintly, turned my body slightly toward the window, and rested my head against the cool glass. The hum of the engine, the smooth movement of the car, the cool breeze coming through the small opening... it was all so soothing, so peaceful.

I closed my eyes, intending just to rest them for a moment... just to block out the world, just to block out the pain and the fear and the guilt.

My mind was still racing, still full of threats, still full of thoughts about what I had to say to her later, about how I had to push her away, about how I had to break her heart to save her life...

But the exhaustion, physical, mental, and emotional was too much. It was heavier than the fear, heavier than the pain. Slowly, without me even realizing it... my breathing slowed down. The thoughts in my head started to fade, becoming distant and blurry. The tension in my shoulders melted away.

I didn't realize it. I didn't feel it happening. I didn't know that the heavy lids I had closed were staying shut. I didn't know that my body finally gave up, finally let go...

I fell asleep.