Chasing Dreams, Losing Her.

Chapter 38 if you love her

Zarya's point of view

I don't know how long I slept. Minutes? Hours? It felt like only a second had passed, but when my eyes fluttered open, the car was already parked. The engine was off. The silence outside was deep, cold, and heavy. the kind of silence that feels like it's holding its breath.

I blinked, trying to clear the fog from my mind, my body still heavy with exhaustion. I turned my head towards the driver's seat, ready to smile at her, ready to thank her for letting me rest...

But she wasn't there.

Panic shot through me instantly. I sat up straight, heart hammering against my ribs, and looked out the window.

She was standing a few steps away, near the edge of the clearing, her back turned to me.

The wind was blowing her hair, cold and sharp, but she didn't seem to feel it.

She was just sitting there, stiff, rigid, her arms crossed tightly over her chest, not hugging herself for warmth.

.. but like she was holding herself back from breaking apart.

And the aura... that bright, glowing light she had when she arrived? It was gone. Completely gone. Replaced by something dark, sharp, and hurt.

I fumbled with the door handle, my hands still numb from sleep, and practically stumbled out of the car.

"Iris!" I called out, my voice rough and sleepy, thick with worry. "Iris, anong nangyari? Bakit ka nandiyan? Bakit—"

She turned around.

And the look on her face stopped me dead in my tracks.

I saw her holding something tight in her hand... my phone.

Her eyes were red, shining with unshed tears, but her expression wasn't sad anymore. It was furious. Hurt, betrayed, angry. all mixed together in a way that cut me deeper than any knife. She looked at me like I was a stranger. Like I was someone she trusted, who just stabbed her in the back.

"Sino 'to? Zarya?"

Her voice was low, trembling, shaking with so much suppressed pain and rage.

I froze. "A-anong... anong sinasabi mo?"

She pointed a shaking finger to the screen of my phone.

Bakit nasa kaniya yung phone ko?! the screen still glowing faintly from the notifications that came in earlier.

I took the phone from her, binasa ko yung nasa notification ko. And for Christ Sake! it was from that same unknown number.

Tangina, nakita niya?!

"The message!" she shouted, her voice cracking, tears finally spilling over and running down her cheeks. "Take care??" She repeated the words, mocking them, sounding so broken. "Who's this?? Hmm?"

My blood ran cold.

She saw it. But she didn't understand it. She didn't know who sent it. She didn't know it was a threat. She read those words, soft, concerned, intimate and she thought... she thought it was someone else.

She thought I was cheating on her.

"Iris... hindi... mali ang iniisip mo..." I rushed forward, desperate to reach her, to hold her, to explain, but she stepped back immediately, away from me, as if my touch burned her. That one step back felt like she had torn my heart right out of my chest.

"Mali?!" she laughed bitterly, a hollow, painful sound. "Mali yung nakita ko? Zarya you've been like this for a while! you've changed. I feel like you're distant but you are here. I was checking on you, you kept saying you're okay, just busy. Ito ba yun? Is this the reason why?!!"

She wiped her tears roughly, her eyes blazing with pain and accusation.

"Gaano na katagal, Zarya? How long are you trying to fool me? How long was I being a fool for waiting for you while you were trying to fix your life."

Her voice broke completely, and she looked at me with so much heartbreak it almost brought me to my knees.

"Am I not enough, Zarya? Fuck, I am a lawyer but I don't know how to fucking defend myself intuition againts myself!"

"HINDI! HINDI GANYAN 'YUN!" I shouted back, tears now streaming freely down my face, my own anger and fear and desperation spilling over. "I am not cheating on you, Iris. I would never!"

"Then tell me!" she screamed, stepping closer now, challenging me, hurting me with every word. "Tell me the truth, Zarya."

I opened my mouth to answer... and nothing came out.

How could I tell her? Paano ko ba sasabihin sa kaniya ?

If I told her who it was... kung sasabihin ko man sa kanya kung sino sila.

.. if I told her they were watching us, that they wanted to hurt her, that they were using her to destroy me.

.. na binabantayan nila ang bawat galaw natin, na gusto nilang saktan siya, at ginagamit lang nila siya para wasakin ako.

.. she would panic. Matatakot lang siya nang sobra.

She would fight. Lalaban siya. She would refuse to leave my side.

Hinding-hindi siya aalis sa tabi ko. She would put herself in even more danger just to be with me.

Kusa niyang ilalagay sa panganib ang sarili niya, makasama lang ako.

But she was looking at me... waiting for an answer.

..thinking the worst possible thing... iniisip ang pinakamasamang bagay na pwedeng mangyari.

.. thinking I didn't love her enough, iniisip na hindi sapat ang pagmamahal ko sa kanya.

thinking I chose someone else over her. iniisip na may iba na akong mas pinili kaysa sa kanya.

And the pain in her eyes... it was too much. It was killing me. At ang sakit na nakikita ko sa mga mata niya... sobrang bigat, tila unti-unti akong pinapatay nito.

I couldn't let her think I didn't love her.

Hindi ko kayang hayaang isipin niyang hindi ko siya mahal.

I couldn't let her think I betrayed her.

Even if it meant telling her the truth I swore I would keep hidden to protect her.

.. Kahit na kailangan kong sabihin ang katotohanang ipinangako kong itatago ko lang para sa kaligtasan niya.

.. I couldn't let her hate me for the wrong reason.

hindi ko kayang tiisin na kamuhian niya ako dahil sa maling akala.

I took a deep, shaky breath, my whole body trembling, and I finally let it all out. Huminga ako nang malalim, nanginginig ang buong katawan, at sa wakas... inilabas ko na ang lahat ng tinatago ko.

"Fine !" I yelled, my voice raw and broken. "Gusto mong malaman kung sino 'yan?! The truth is I don't even know. I don't have any relationship with that person! Pero alam mo kung ano ang ginagawa niya? That person keeps on threatening me, Iris. You are being used as a weapon againts me."

She froze. Her mouth fell open. The anger on her face vanished instantly, replaced by pure shock and confusion.

"This person knew everything, including between us. You are in danger because of me, Iris. And I am trying to protect you. "

I stepped closer, unable to stop the words now, pouring out everything I had carried alone for weeks.

"That's why I am here, why I wanted to talk to you. I want to....I want to cut ties with you for the mean time. Iris trust me, this is for the best!"

I wiped my tears away, my voice cracking as I revealed everything I had planned.

"The bidding is in a few days, malapit na lang Iris. Pero habang hindi pa tapos... habang nandiyan pa sila... kailangan nating lumayo sa isa't isa. Not because I don't love you, but because I want to protect you...to protect us."

Silence. Complete, dead silence.

The wind blew between us, cold and loud, but I couldn't hear anything else. I watched her face... watched the anger fade, watched the confusion turn into realization, watched her eyes widen as every word sank in.

She stood there, stunned, completely frozen, like she couldn't process what I had just said. The accusations, the jealousy, the pain of thinking I cheated... all of it vanished, replaced by this heavy, overwhelming truth. I was leaving her... to save her.

She didn't speak for a long time. She just stared at me, her tears slowing down, her expression softening into something much deeper, much sadder.

Then, slowly, she took a step forward, this time, towards me. She reached out, her hand trembling, and gently touched my arm, her fingers cold against my skin.

"I... I completely understand you, Zarya..." she whispered, her voice barely audible, thick with emotion. "Naiintindihan ko na...the way you changed. Everything..."

She looked down for a moment, then lifted her eyes to look straight into mine, eyes full of love, full of pain, full of that same trust she always had... but now mixed with a heartbreaking sadness.

She squeezed my arm gently, and asked the question that shattered me completely, the question I was terrified to hear...

"Pero... am I really not good enough... to be worth fighting for?"

"Naiintindihan ko na... lahat ng sinabi mo... naiintindihan ko kung bakit mo ginagawa 'to," she started, her tone gentle but broken. "Pero alam mo Zarya... napapansin ko lang... parang laging iisa lang ang nakikita mong solusyon sa lahat ng problema... ang umalis. Ang lumayo. Ang iwan ako."

She looked back at me, tears glistening in her eyes under the faint light of the stars.

"Every time there's danger... every time things get messy.

.. every time we face something hard... leaving is always the choice you make.

You always think that if you just walk away.

.. everything will suddenly be okay. Alam mo ba.

.. do you have any idea how much that hurts me?

Because every time you do that... it feels like you're telling me.

.. like you're saying I don't get to be part of this fight.

That I'm... not worth fighting for."

My heart shattered all over again. I stepped closer, desperate to make her feel how much this hurt me too, desperate to make her understand that I was doing this because I loved her, not because I didn't.

"Iris...please... intindihin mo naman ako," I pleaded, my voice cracking, tears falling freely down my face.

"Hindi ko ginagawa 'to dahil gusto ko. I am doing this because I had to.

Just a few more days... 'yun lang... that's all this will take.

Not much time left until the bidding ends, until all this mess and danger is finally over.

And after that...kapag tapos na ang lahat, everything will be okay again.

I'll come back. I'll fix everything between us.

I promise you that. I'll make up for everything that got broken, all the times I wasn't there, all my shortcomings and mistakes with you.

Babalik ako, babalikan kita. Babawi ako, higit pa sa pagkululang ko. "

I reached for her hands, holding them tight against my chest, begging her to believe me.

She let me hold her, but her hands were cold, and her expression remained sad and guarded. She looked at our joined hands, then slowly pulled hers away, wrapping her arms around herself again, as if protecting herself from me.

"And how long are we gonna endure it again?" she asked softly, her voice barely a whisper. "After the bidding, hangang kailan ulit? How will I even know if you're really coming back when you said these exact words 8 years ago?"

She took a deep, shaky breath, wiped her cheeks, and looked straight into my eyes, eyes that held so much love, but now also so much fear and trauma from the past.

"But sure... Sige na. I will believe in your promises. I will hold onto despite the risks. Even if I get hurt again, but Zarya listen to me. I am not expecting as much as I did before."

Her words hit me like a punch to the chest.

"I am no longer expecting anything," she continued, her voice turning hollow and full of pain.

"Kasi the last time I believed your words, the last time I trusted your promise, the last time you said you'd come back.

..umasa ako. I held on to so much hope. I expected you to return, I expected you to fix us, I expected that you wouldn't leave me behind.

.. but you know what happened? I just ended up disappointed.

I was left here broken...all alone."

She stepped back further, putting more space between us, and that distance hurt more than anything she could have said.

"So now... if this happens again... if you leave and never come back—I won't be surprised.

Not even a little bit. Sanay na ako, Zarya.

I'm used to being left behind already. But remember this.

.. when the time comes that you won't make your promise, and you'll go looking for me, when you show up at my door trying to find me, you won't find me there anymore. Wala na ako."

Her voice broke, but she finished firmly, looking right through me.

"And I hope you will understand me too."

I stood there. Frozen. Completely stunned to speak. Her words echoed in my mind, crushing me, breaking every last piece of my heart. "If you leave, and won't comeback—I won't be there."

It was exactly what I wanted, wasn't it?

I wanted her to be safe. I wanted her to move on.

I wanted her to be okay without me. But hearing her say it.

.. hearing her say that she would be gone, that she wouldn't wait for me.

.. it felt like dying. It felt like I had already lost her, even before I left.

I wanted to say so many things. I wanted to explain, to beg, to promise again.

But my throat was tight, my voice was gone.

All I could feel was the weight of her pain, the weight of my decision, and the terrifying possibility that this time.

.. she really wouldn't be there when I came back.

I looked at her, at the woman I loved more than life itself, standing there hurt, guarded, ready to let me go because she was too scared to be hurt again.

Slowly, I bowed my head, tears dropping onto the dry grass beneath my feet. My voice came out as a broken whisper, shaky and full of regret.

"I'm sorry, Iris...I'm sorry if this is the only solution I have." I lifted my head and looked deep into her eyes, pouring every ounce of my soul, every bit of my love, every drop of my promise into my next words.

Here is the emotional, poetic version with just the right touch of Tagalog, carrying every weight and promise:

"But I swear to yo, by the very love I hold for you.

.. this time... I will never, ever let you down again.

I will come back. I will return, no matter what happens, no matter what stands in my way.

And when I finally stand before you once more.

.. I will never leave your side again. Hinding-hindi na. Not ever."

My heart was still aching, still breaking, but all I wanted right now was to hold her.

To feel her one last time before I had to let her go.

I lifted my hands, slowly, trembling, reaching out to pull her into my arms to hug her tight enough to transfer every bit of love, every bit of regret, every bit of promise I had inside me.

"Iris..." I whispered, stepping closer, ready to wrap my arms around her.

But before I could even touch her shoulders... A blinding, bright light flashed right at us.

It came from the road behind us, strong and white, cutting through the darkness like a knife, shining straight into our eyes. I froze. Every muscle in my body tensed up instantly. My blood ran cold, and my mind screamed the only thing I could think of: They found us.

"Fuck. Did they follow us??"

Panic surged through my veins, wild and terrifying.

Parang huminto ang mundo ko sa isang iglap, at ang tanging nasa isip ko lang, ay nahanap na nila kami, nandito na sila.

Without thinking, my instincts took over.

Hindi ko na inisip ang sarili ko, wala nang ibang mahalaga kundi siya.

I didn't care about myself. I only cared about her.

Siya lang, palagi namang siya lang.

I immediately stepped in front of her, turning my back to the light, my arms shooting out to cover her whole body, shielding her with mine, pushing her safely behind me.

But she dominated in my protection, siya ngayon ang pomoprotekta saakin. She held me close, protecting me, ready to take whatever was coming, ready to fight, just to keep me away from harm.

And then... a loud voice cut through the hum of the engine and the cold wind. Deep, familiar, and completely unexpected.

"Doc Zarya?"

My breath hitched. My body went rigid.

That voice... I knew that voice anywhere.

The blinding lights dimmed slightly as the car slowed down and parked right beside ours. I stayed frozen for a second longer, my heart still racing, my mind still reeling from the fear... and then slowly, very slowly, I lowered my arms and turned around.

It was Kiro.

I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding — a mix of relief and pure shock. " Kiro...?"

My knees almost gave out. I was so scared... so convinced it was them... the ones threatening us, the ones hunting us. But it was just him. Siya lang pala.

I quickly tried to fix my composure, straightening my coat, wiping the traces of tears from my cheeks, forcing myself to look calm even though inside I was still trembling from fear and emotion. But as I turned back to Iris... my heart ached all over again.

She was standing a little ways away, her back half-turned to me.

She was quickly wiping her cheeks, brushing her hair down, trying to hide the tears that had fallen, trying to fix the mess she knew she looked like.

She wouldn't look at me. She couldn't. The pain between us was still too fresh, too raw.

Kiro turned off his engine and stepped out of the car. But he wasn't alone. One by one, the doors opened, and they came out. Ralph, Mica, Aisle, and Xylla.

My eyes widened. "Ano... anong ginagawa nila dito? Bakit silang lahat nandito?"

They stood there for a moment, illuminated by the headlights, looking from me... to Iris... and back to me again. Their faces were all painted with pure shock. Their eyes were wide, switching between us, confused and surprised.

Because aside from Xylla... wala sa kanila ang may alam.

Wala sa kanila ang nakakaalam kung sino talaga si Iris sa buhay ko.

Wala sa kanila ang may ideya kung gaano siya kahalaga, kung ano ang meron kami, kung ano ang pinagdadaanan namin.

To them, I was just the serious, work-obsessed heiress and Doctor De Luca.

.. and Iris was a stranger standing here with me in the middle of nowhere, looking like we had both been crying our hearts out.

Kiro stepped forward first, his brows furrowed, looking straight at Iris with recognition and confusion.

"Attorney Valenti? Ikaw ba 'yan?" he asked, his voice loud and curious. "Akala ko kung sino na... anong ginagawa niyo dito? Sa ganitong oras pa?"

Iris turned fully to face them now. She tried her best to smile but it was awkward, weak, and forced.

Her eyes were still red, her face pale, her expression drained.

She looked like a total mess, and I hated that they were seeing her like this.

She stood there, hands clasped tightly in front of her, looking at them like she didn't know what to say either.

Then Aisle spoke up, stepping closer, looking at me with that suspicious, questioning look she always had.

"Bakit kayo nandito, Doc?" she asked pointedly. "Akala ko ba may emergency meeting ka daw? Sabi nila sobrang dami mong inaasikaso... tapos makikita ka namin dito, sa gilid ng kalsada, kasama siya?"

My mind went blank. I didn't know what to say.

I didn't know how to make an excuse. How could I explain why I was here, why I was with her, why we both looked like we had just gone through the worst heartbreak of our lives?

If I said the wrong thing... if I messed up. .. everything would be revealed.

I was about to stammer out some random lie when suddenly, Xylla stepped in, moving between us and the group, smiling casually and waving her hand dismissively like it was no big deal.

"Ano ba kayo, ang daming tanong!" she said lightheartedly, though I saw the look she gave me a look that says "i got you".

"Baka naman nagkita lang sila, nag-usap. Baka nag-catch up lang, 'di ba? Magkakilala naman sila, close friends pa nga, 'di ba? Huwag kayong mag-isip ng kung ano-ano."

She looked at me, waiting for me to agree, waiting for me to play along.

My throat felt dry. I swallowed hard, forcing myself to nod, to put on that professional mask I was so good at wearing.

"O-oo... tama si Xylla," I said, my voice steady but hollow.

"Nagkita lang kami... nag-usap lang. We're just catching up.

.. matagal na rin kasi simula nung huli kaming nagkausap.

Pero... nasiraan kami ng kaunti... medyo may problema sa sasakyan kaya tumigil muna kami dito sandali. Fixing things up."

It was a terrible excuse. It made no sense. But I said it anyway, hoping they would buy it. Ralph walked closer, looking around the empty spot, then back at us, a playful grin spreading across his face.

"Ah, ganun ba?" he said, shrugging. "Eh mukhang okay naman ang kotse ah. But hey... since nandito naman kami... can we join you guys here? Mukhang masarap naman dito, ang presko pa ng hangin."

Mica nodded eagerly, agreeing immediately. "Oo nga, Good timing talaga na nakita namin kayo. Ang boring kasi sa bahay eh. Sayang naman kung magkakahiwalay tayo... samahan na namin kayo dito."

I panicked. "No... no, this is bad... kailangan ko pa siyang makausap... kailangan ko pa siyang ipaliwanag ang lahat."

"Uhm...—" I started to speak, trying to find a way to politely send them away, trying to say we were leaving, trying to buy us more time...

But before I could finish, Iris spoke up.

Her voice was soft, but clear. She looked at me straight into my eyes with that sad, knowing look, and then turned to them with a faint, bitter smile.

"Sure... why not?" she said calmly, her tone laced with something I couldn't quite read. "Sige lang, sumama kayo. Actually... Zarya is afraid it's just the two of us here. Sabi niya kasi delikado daw kapag kaming dalawa lang sa ganitong lugar...I think it's better that you guys are here."

My heart dropped to my stomach.

She said it so casually... but I knew exactly what she meant. She wasn't talking about the place being dangerous. She wasn't talking about the road or the dark.

She was talking about us. She was saying that we were dangerous to each other. That being alone with me only caused pain, only brought tears, only led to goodbyes.

And now... with them here... there was no more time. No more privacy. No more chance to fix anything, or say anything else.

The distance I wanted to put between us? It just got wider. And the goodbye I was supposed to say? It just got harder.

I stood there, silent, defeated, as they all moved closer, laughing and talking, completely unaware that they had just walked in on the most painful night of my life.

_____

Nang medyo kumalma na ang lahat, naghanap sila ng mas magandang pwesto malapit sa gilid kung saan malinaw ang tanawin at presko ang hangin.

They spread out a wide picnic mat from Kiro's car biglaan lang, parang planado na at naglabasan ng snacks at drinks.

Kaya ayun, sa hindi inaasahang pagkakataon.

.. naging picnic na rin ang gabing dapat sana ay para lang sa aming dalawa.

I sat on the mat, close enough to feel Iris beside me, wrapped tightly in the dark gray hoodie she gave me earlier.

Napansin kasi niya kanina na nanginginig na ako sa lamig, at walang arte, inabot niya lang ito at umiwas ng tingin.

She just told me to wear it, but it made me feel her care after everything we talked about earliwr.

Now I smelled her everywhere, and it only made everything heavier.

Beside me, Iris sat hugging her knees tight to her chest, arms wrapped around herself like she was trying to hold herself together, chin resting on her knees, eyes staring blankly at the city lights far below.

Parang ang layo-layo niya kahit katabi ko lang.

Every time I wanted to reach out, her words earlier echoed in my head.

"Xy, ikaw naman oh," Kiro grinned, pulling out an acoustic guitar from his car and handing it to her. "Alam kong dala mo 'to palagi. Tumugtog ka naman, pampagaan ng gabi."

Xylla looked at the guitar, then at all of us, shaking her head quickly, awkward and hesitant. "Naku, huwag na. Rusty na ako eh. At saka... bakit ako pa?"

But Iris looked up, her voice soft but clear in the quiet night. "You know how to play guitar pala?"

Before Xylla could answer, Aisle leaned forward, grinning. "Pakitaan mo si Attorney, Xy. Yung 'If You Love Her'... alam naming kabisado mo 'yan."

Xylla's face turned pink, pushing the guitar back. "Huwag na lang. Si Kiro na lang, mas magaling pa 'yan."

But Iris straightened up, looked straight at Xylla, calm but firm. "Go on... show me."

There was no escape. Xylla sighed, glanced at me briefly. a look that says she knows everything, and finally accepted the guitar, resting it on her lap.

"Sige na nga... pero huwag kayong magreklamo kung mali ang chords ko ah," she said with a small, sad smile.

She tuned it softly, then her fingers settled on the strings. The melody began gentle, familiar, and suddenly... so full of secrets.

And as she started singing, I realized... this wasn't just a song. It was our story. Mine. Iris's. And most especially... Xylla's.

She sang it with a depth, a pain, and a love that went far beyond the lyrics.

Because she knew. She knew everything about us.

She knew how much I loved Iris. She knew how much she loved me.

And she knew... that she had already stepped aside, gave way, and let me have the happiness she wanted for herself.

Her voice was soft, but every word hit me like a wave. And her eyes... her eyes kept finding mine.

Every line about protecting, about cherishing, about keeping someone safe... she looked at Iris. Madiin. Matagal. As if she was telling her something.

And then... she shifted her gaze. Slowly, deliberately, she turned her head and looked straight at me.

I listened quietly, her expression softening, eyes wide, looking between Xylla and Iris. Did she feel it too? Did she understand that this song wasn't just about love... but about sacrifice? About someone loving her enough to let her go, just so she could be loved right?

Xylla kept singing, her voice getting softer, more emotional, her eyes moving back and forth between us..the girl she loved, and the person she gave her up for.

That line. "Don't you break it."

Xylla looked at Iris again, and this time... there were tears in her eyes, barely holding back. It was a silent plea.

And I sat there, frozen, my heart screaming.

I looked at Iris. She was listening so intently, hugging herself less now, looking at Xylla with a soft, sad understanding.

She knows. Somehow, I think she knew. She knew that Xylla loved me.

She knew that Xylla stepped aside. And right now, listening to this song.

.. she knew that Xylla was telling both of us how much she cared, how much she wanted us to be okay, even if it hurt her.

It was heartbreaking. It was beautiful. It was the sound of three people connected by love, but hurting in different ways.

The last notes faded into the cold wind, drifting away into the dark trees and stars above. Silence hung in the air for a few seconds. Heavy. Meaningful. Full of things we could never say out loud.

Then Kiro clapped loudly, breaking the spell. "Grabe, Xy! Ang lalim ng pagkanta mo ah! Parang may pinaghuhugutan!"

The others laughed, passing around chips and drinks, going back to casual talk, completely unaware that they just witnessed a confession. A goodbye. A promise.

But I stayed quiet. I looked at Xylla, who was wiping her eyes quickly, looking away. I looked at Iris, who was now looking at me, her eyes soft, confused, but somehow... knowing.

"If she gives you her heart... don't you break it." The words kept repeating in my head.

And I thought about tomorrow. About the bidding. About the distance I had to create. About the goodbye I had to say.

Xylla gave me up so I could love Iris. But now... I had to give her up so she could live.

And that was the hardest part of all.