Chasing Dreams, Losing Her.

Chapter 46 Where are you?

Zarya's point of view

"What's your plan now? Paano mo sasabihin kay papa?" Ate Yana asked.

After the bidding, dumiretso ako sa bahay ni Ate Yana. I didn't care if she would talk to me or not, all I want is to be with her. Masyadong mabigat ang lahat, I need her presence.

But sure enough, she welcomed me at her house. I told her everything about the bidding, I told her na natalo ako.

"Babalik ako ng Pinas mamayang gabi." I told her.

"Agad agad?" She asked, her brows frowned.

I nodded. "Kanina pa tumatawag si Papa, for sure nalaman na niya. I needed to get back home bago pa siya ang pumunta dito."

She looked at me with eyes full of guilt. "I'm sorry, Zar. Sorry for acting out of hand nakaraan, and I'm sorry that you have to go through this alone."

"Wala kang dapat ipag-sorry, Ate. I can do this, ang importante ay safe ka, ligtas si Aria, at ligtas si Iris." I said as I forced myself to smile.

"Hindi ko alam paano ka lumaki, Zar. You grew up as a woman who prioritize others before yourself.

Considerate, and willing to take the bullet for everyone you love.

You are selfless, sobrang proud ako sa'yo.

But please, for once isipin mo din ang sarili mo.

Take care of yourself, make sure you won't lose it.

" She said as an advice, her words gave me comfort kahit papano.

"Thank you, ate. I will be back soon, at sa pagbalik ko I'll make sure kasama ko na si Iris." I said with a smile. Ewan ko ba, kapag naaalala ko ang pangalan niya—either naiiyak ako or ngingiti.

Ate Yana gave me a teasing smile. "Make sure na pag-uwi mo maintindihan ka ni Papa, at saka mo na habulin ulit si Iris."

"Yes, that's the plan." I stood up and walked closely to Aria's crib.

She's sleeping peacefully, like an angel. She is really beautiful, sobrang ganda niyang tignan. Para akong nakatingin sa isang perfect na tao. Especially her eyes, sobrang ganda. Like her's.

"Iris would be happy to see her niece." Sabi ko na hindi na namamalayan na nakangiti na naman pala ako.

"Your smile...ang ganda mo pala kapag nakangiti ka lang, Zar. Sana makuha ni Aria ang ngiti mo, no?" Ate Yana said while staring at me.

"Sana hindi. My smile is not seen often dahil sa dami ng iniisip ko. I don't want her to have my smile." I objected.

"seryoso mo kasi masyado palagi e."

I gently touched Aria's face, and leaned closer to kiss her forehead. Sobrang ingat dahil baka magising siya.

Then I walked closely towards ate Yana who is sitting on the sofa not far from Aria's crib.

Without saying a word, I kissed her forehead too.

"I gotta go, Ate. I need to pack my things, baka ma late pa ako sa flight."

She just nodded and tumayo na din para sabayan ako palabas. When we reached her door, tumigil muna ako para mag paalam ng maayos.

"Please take care of both of you, ingatan mo siya gaya ng pag-ingat ko sa'yo. Tumawag ka kapag may kailangan ka, pagkatapos kong maayos lahat sa Pinas ay babalik ako agad." I hugged her tight.

"Ikaw ang mag ingat, Zar. Mas maraming problema ang nag hihintay sa'yo doon, but take it easy. Isa isahin mo lang, kaya mo 'yan." She gently rubbed my hair.

After that long hug, we finally let go of each other. I walked to my car, but something is missing. Parang may kulang parin talaga.

I turned around and saw her crying. I immediately ran towards her, and hugged her tightly once again.

This time, parang hindi na lang normal na paalam.

This felt like home, parang ayaw ko na siyang bitawan.

This isn't what it supposed to look like, dapat sana magaan ang pakiramdam ko sa pag alis ko dito.

But now, halos ayaw ko nalang umuwi. I know she needs me here, pero alam ko rin na may iba pa akong dapat gawin.

_____

Finally, after a long tiring flight.

I finally arrived back to the Philippines, It was exactly 8:30 in the evening when I stepped out of the arrival gate.

Ang init at amoy ng hangin, alam mong nasa Pilipinas ka na.

But even though I was finally home, my mind was still far away, puno ng pangamba, puno ng tanong, puno ng mga problemang hindi ko pa rin alam kung paano aayusin.

My legs felt heavy and stiff from more than sixteen hours of travel. My eyes burned from lack of sleep. Parang dinurog ang katawan ko sa pagod. But I didn't care about jet lag or hunger or sore feet. All I could think about was Dad. Wala akong ibang dapat pupuntahan kundi siya.

Hindi ako mapakali habang nasa biyahe, ramdam ko na agad ang kaba. Alam kong magagalit siya. He wanted that land so bad, trusted me to bring it home. Losing it meant I failed him.

I imagined him shouting, saying hurtful things, blaming me for everything. Worse, what if ipabalik na naman niya ako sa Italy? Or punish me in some way I haven't even thought of yet? Ang daming pumapasok sa isip ko, pero alam ko hindi ko p'wedeng takbuhan 'to.

I knew he might already know the result. Maybe he even knew the truth behind it all. But I still had to show up. I had to speak to him face to face. Kailangan kong ipaliwanag, kailangan kong harapin ito.

When the car stopped in front of the gate, I looked up at the house. It was huge, tall and wide, bright lights glowing from every window.

Ang laki?laki ng bahay, pero sa paningin ko parang isang malaking kulungan. It took me a long moment just to get out of the car. I stood there breathing deep, trying to calm myself. Kinailangan ko ng lakas ng loob para lang makapasok.

Slowly I walked toward the main door. Sa sobrang laki ng mansyon, I felt so small there. Then suddenly, arms wrapped tight around me, warm and familiar.

"Zarya!"

It was my Mom. She pulled me close, hugging me so firm I could barely breathe. Sa yakap niya lang, parang biglang kumawala ang lahat. I didn't mean to cry, but the tears just fell.

Hindi ko mapigilan, tumulo na lang sila basta. It was like all the tiredness, fear, and worry just melted into that hug. I felt relieved, but also heavy inside, masakit pa rin, pero may kaunting ginhawa.

She pulled back a bit, hands still on my shoulders, looking straight at me with soft eyes.

"I'm so proud of you, Zarya. I really am proud of you."

I didn't answer. I just bit my lip and looked down. Alam ko sinabi niya 'yan para damayan ako. She knew exactly what was waiting upstairs. She knew Dad would be angry, and she was already trying to make it easier for me.

"Go upstairs," she said gently, nodding toward the big staircase. "Your father is waiting for you in his office. Go talk to him. Make him understand. Explain everything clearly."

I left my bags right there by the door, I didn't even bother bringing them. Mas mabigat pa ang dala?dala ko sa isip ko kaysa sa mga gamit ko.

I walked the stairs one slow step at a time. Every step made my heart beat faster. My hands were cold and shaking a little. Takot na takot ako, pero aatras pa ba ako? Hindi. I walked down the quiet hallway until I stood right in front of his closed door.

I stood there for a long second, listening to silence, before I lifted my hand to knock.

Tatlong beses akong kumatok bago ko narinig ang boses niya. "Avanti"

(Come in)

Mas lalo akong kinabahan sa tono at language na ginamit niya, alam mong galit siya kapag nag Italian na.

But there is no backing down, pumasok ako.

"Papa." I called him, sobrang hina ng boses ko na parang batang takot na takot.

Pero pinilit ko pa rin na lumapit sa kaniya, hangang sa nakatayo nalang ako sa gilid ng mesa niya.

Binitawan niya ang ballpen na hawak niya, at tumingin saakin. "Dimmi perché hai fallito?"

(Tell me, why did you fail?)

I looked at him, I was too scared to even try to speak.

"DIMMELO, ZARYA!" he shouted, that made me flinch.

(Tell me, Zarya!)

"I'm sorry, Pa. I tried everything," I said, my voice shaking a little.

He leaned forward, elbows on the table. "You tried everything, but not your best, Zarya."

"I'm sorry, Pa. I didn't mean to lose. I also wanted to win. I also wanted to make you proud. But what can I do? Their proposal was better than mine. I had nothing to do with it. Let's just move on, hayaan na lang natin 'yun. There are so many opportunities for De Luca to rise, pa—"

Nagulat ako when he slammed his palm againts the table.

"Let go? Move on? Zarya, do you even know what you're saying?

That land would bring De Luca straight to the top.

And you know what's worst? you lost to that Valenti and Sterling.

You lost against those stronzo's! (Assholes) I thought I trained you well.

I thought you were good at this. I thought you were enough, that's why I trusted you with this project.

I wish I never gave you such a big responsibility, you are still that spoiled princess I raised.

You are no true De Luca. You are my weakest point, and my rivals saw it.

They used you as my weakness. Do you know what shame this brings?

I have won every prime estate and land in every bidding I joined.

I never lost any. And you ruined that legacy of mine. "

He stood up, at mas lalo pang lumakas ang boses niya. "I did not raise you to be a loser. This is not the daughter I raised."

That hit something deep inside me, and I snapped. Parang may pumutok sa dibdib ko. I lifted my head and stared straight back at him, ang takot kanina ay biglang napalitan ng matinding galit.

"You never raised me!" I shouted back. "You raised your own company, your legacy, your name, your money and everything you own. But never your daughters! I raised myself, Dad! How dare you question me? How dare you question your own daughter's worth when you yourself is a worthless father!"

Before I could say another word, his hand flew across my face.

He slapped me. The sound was loud and sharp. My head turned to the side instantly. I touched my cheek, nangangalay, parang manhid na agad ang pakiramdam. Tears started pouring fast.

He pointed a finger at me, kitang kita ko na ang galit sa mata niya. "You will go back to Italy, you will live with your sister. You do not get to talk back at me, Zarya. I am the reason why you have everything you have right now. This is all because of me, and you even dare to answer back."

Pinunasan ko ang mga luha sa mata ko, at tinitigan siya pabalik. "Again? I will be thrown back to Italy just because you didn't get what you wanted? Ibabalik mo 'ko doon dahil lang hindi ka nanalo, huh? How low are you?"

Pero hindi niya pinansin ang tanong ko, he said it again pero this time—parang wala na talaga akong magagawa.

"You will go to Italy, and you will marry Ryan Rusco.

That is not a choice, that is an order. It is to strengthen the De Luca name.

And I am telling you, if you ever try to refuse, you will never know what I am capable of.

I know everything, Zarya. Including that bitch daughter of Eric Valenti. So don't you dare say no."

My eyes went wide, nagulat ako sa sinabi niya. "I don't know what you are talking about" I quickly denied everything. Masakit man pero alam kong dapat kong gawin 'to.

"And I will not marry him. Why would I? All my life you have been controlling me, me and Ate Yana. You have been running our lives. Hangang ngayon wala pa rin kaming lugar dito? We still have to follow every single word you say?!."

"I will arrange the marriage with Ryan, and you have no say in it," he said firmly. "Either you comply, or forget that you are a De Luca."

I laughed bitterly through my tears, parang gusto ko na lang sumigaw sa sobrang sakit at galit.

"Then I'd rather forget my whole name. I'd rather forget that your blood runs through my veins.

I'd rather forget you are my father, because it disgusts me!

Just thinking that I am Raymond De Luca's daughter makes me sick!

Everyone sees you as a successful man they look up to, but the truth?

You are no one. You are never happy with your life, never content with what you have, and you never will be.

I would rather live with nothing, suffer alone, and never carry your name, if that means I finally get my freedom. "

"You will regret this," he warned me. "You will marry Ryan... or you will regret being my daughter."

I looked straight at him, hindi ako umiwas ng tingin, tears running down, kahit namamaga na ang mukha ko. Ramdam ko ang hapdi sa bawat patak ng luha.

"I already regretted being your daughter. Hindi mo pa rin ba naiintindihan?"

Another slap from him again, mas malakas at mas madiin. My whole face burned, sobrang hapdi at init agad na naramdaman ko, the numbness spreading fast across my skin. Hindi ko na talaga kayang pigilan pa, I couldn't hold it in anymore. Sobrang sakit, hindi lang physically—but emotionally.

I turned around and ran out of his office, not looking back. But when I opened the door, I bumped straight into my mom.

Gulat na gulat ako, parang tumigil ang mundo ko. She was standing right outside, she's crying. I assume na she's been listening the whole time. Her eyes were red, nasa dibdib niya ang mga palad niya na parang pinipigilan sumabog ito. Alam kong narinig niya ang lahat.

But what hurts me the most, is she didn't stepped in. She didn't stop him. I looked at her, disappointed.

Kailan pa ba siya magkakaroon ng courage na ipagtanggol kami kay Papa?

Before I could say a word, hinawakan niya ng mahigpit ang kamay ko at tinulak ako pabalik sa loob ng office ni Papa.

"What did you do to her, Raymond?" Mom's voice was firm, hindi ko pa narinig 'to dati.

Dad looked at her with eyes full of anger. "Do not interfere in this. You know nothing about this."

"Exactly, I may not know anything about your business, your world, or whatever games you play," she shot back, "but I know my daughter. Our daughter is suffering. She has given you enough, done enough. Isn't that enough for you to treat her like a daughter?"

I just stood there, witnessing how my mom is trying to defend me. Hindi ako makapagsalita, walang lumalabas na boses. This was the first time mom ever stood up to him like this, for me. Parang gusto ko nang sumigaw pero nanginginig lang ang buong katawan ko.

Dad's jaw tightened. He pointed toward the door. "Get out of my office. Both of you."

Mom didn't move an inch "No. We would rather get out of your life."

My dad's face was shocked for a second, even he couldn't speak. Gulat din siya sa narinig niya, parang hindi makapaniwala.

"Ma... no," I whispered, hinawakan ko ang kamay ni mommy—scared of what he might do next.

But instead of leaving, she just stared at me.

"All my life I have tolerated you, Raymond.

I let you treat our daughters like they were nothing but investments, people who only exist to follow your orders.

I've stayed quiet, I've let so much pass.

But I've seen enough. I can't bear to watch my daughter suffer any longer. "

"Tolerated?" Dad laughed "You live under my roof, eat what I provide, wear what I give, and you speak of tolerance?"

"Those are just things!" she shouted back. "Things don't matter when you break the people you love most!"

Ngayon halos magsigawan nalang sila, lalong umiinit ang usapan.

Sumakit bigla ang dibdib ko, I couldn't bear seeing them argue like this dahil saakin. I tried to pull mommy toward the door, desperate to get us both out. "Tara na po, Ma, umalis na tayo," I mumbled, voice cracking.

Pero lumapit si papa, he grabbed mom's arm, pulling her away from me. He was stronger, hindi niya magawang kumawala kahit anong gawin niya. He didn't hurt her, just held her firm so she couldn't move toward me.

"no, ma!" I reached for her hand pero nasa likod na siya ni dad. Gusto ko siyang iligtas, takot akong may mangyaring masama. Kahit alam ko naman na hindi niya kayang saktan si mommy, but I can't take the risk.

"Zarya, umalis ka na." Mom twisted to look at me, tumutulo na ang luha niya. Her voice was strained but clear. "Just go, Live your life. Don't worry about me, daughter."

"Ma!" I cried again, trying to push Dad's arm away, but it was useless against his grip.

He only tightened his hold, staring straight at me. "Leave. Now."

Mama shouted one last time, it was no longer an advice, it was a warning. "Umalis kana, Zarya! Leave now!"

I looked between them, helpless, heart breaking all over again. Wala na akong magagawa, hindi ko siya maitatakas palayo. I saw in her eyes she meant it, she'd stay behind so I could get away.

Hindi ko na matandaan lahat ng sigawan namin sa sobrang sakit ng nararamdaman ko ngayon. Everything blurred together. All I knew was he hit me twice. And he'd rather lose both his daughters than let his precious name get scratched. Gusto ko lang makalayo, kahit saan.

Ang sakit isipin na sa huli, pangalan lang talaga ang mahalaga sa kanya.

____

I walked away from my dad's mansion with nowhere else to go, so I ended up here in my own house. Parang ito na lang ang natitirang lugar na pwede kong takbuhan. No one followed me, no one called, just silence and pain.

Pumunta ako sa back garden, I just sat there.

Malamig ang simoy ng hangin, pero wala pa ring ginhawang naramdaman.

It didn't make me feel any better at all.

Umupo lang ako diyo at umiiyak nang walang tigil, walang takot na may makakakita.

Tears just kept falling, like all the weight I'd been carrying finally broke loose.

I stared at my own house, minamasdan ko ito. Maybe Kiro was right, maybe having a big house and every luxury could still feel nothing kapag malungkot ka.

My mind felt like it was falling apart. Sobrang gulo, parang hindi ko na alam kung saan ako magsisimula. I lost the bidding, the one thing Dad counted on me to win. Worse, I lost whatever love, trust he had in me. Parang wala na akong halaga sa paningin niya ngayon.

And my mom... I didn't know when I'd see her again. Baka matagalan pa, o baka hindi na. I knew Dad would keep her away from me, just like he did eight years ago, takot akong mauwi ulit doon.

The other choice isn't any better, p'wede ko naman ibalik lahat sa dati. Get his trust back, his love, and fix this mess. yes... but only if I marry Ryan and go back to Italy.

Gusto ko naman bumalik doon, pero hindi dahil sa kasal. I want to go back with Iris, visit our niece, be with ate Yana the way it should be, not dragged there just to tie myself to someone I don't love.

Iba talaga ang gusto ko, pero parang wala akong mapagpipilian.

Then there's Ate and Isaac. What if they really run away with baby Aria? If Tito Eric catches them...

nanginginig na lang ako sa isipin kung ano ang pwedeng mangyari. Eric Valenti isn't someone you can just run away from. If he finds them, no one knows what he'll do. And I made that deal with Sterling and Valenti just to keep them safe, now it feels like everything I did just tangled us deeper.

Even with Iris... I don't know where we stand anymore.

Parang lumayo na siya, parang hindi ko na alam kung paano siya kakausapin.

Kung saan ako magsisimula, at paano aayusin lahat.

Every time I think about us, I just get more confused.

Everything is messy, so messy I can't even find the first step to fix it.

I wrapped my arms around myself, sobrang bigat ng lahat, parang hindi ko na kaya. I sat there in the dark garden, crying helplessly, with no answer, no plan, and nowhere to go.

My mind kept running in circles, and then I thought of Iris. Siya lang talaga ang gusto kong makausap ngayon.

Hindi na ako nag dalawang isip, if this isn't the right time to talk to her, then kailan pa? Kung saan malabo na? ayaw ko nang mangyari 'yon.

I grabbed my phon, I found her number and pressed dial. But there was nothing, hindi nga nag ri-ring.

Is she asleep already? pero hindi naman naka off ang phone niya kahit tulog siya?

I tried again, but same thing. It was like the number didn't even exist anymore.

Kinabahan na ako agad. Maybe the signal is bad? I opened Messenger right away, typed her name in the search box to send a message, pero wala.

I searched again, spelled it slowly, tried different nicknames we used... still nothing.

Nagsimula na akong magtaka at matakot nang todo. Where is she? Did something happen? Did someone take her phone? Did she leave without saying goodbye?

Ang daming nakakatakot na isipin na pumasok sa utak ko. What if she's in trouble? What if she got hurt? What if... what if she just decided to cut me off? That thought hurt more than anything.

Hindi ko na namalayan na unti unti na tumutulo ang luha ko, but this time—it felt different. Pakiramdam ko nawalan na ako ng ibang masasandalan. Everything else was already falling apart.

Hindi na ako nag dalawang isip, pinilit kong tumayo sa kinauupuan ko. I know what I had to do, kailangan ko siyang makausap ngayon. Kailangan ko siyang puntahan. I have to go wherever she is, see her face, talk to her, hear her voice. I just need Iris.

Kung wala siya, parang hindi ko na alam kung paano pa ako magpapatuloy.