Chasing Dreams, Losing Her.

Chapter 47 Where do I even start?

Zarya's point of view

"Iris?" I called her out.

I am at Iris's place, kanina pa ako nandito sa labas ng bahay nila. Naka ilang door bell na rin ako pero wala talagang lumalabas.

I tried lifting the pot outside of her gate, pero wala rin. Wala na rin doon 'yung susi ng bahay nila. I don't know what to do anymore, paano ko siya kakausapin kung ganito naman sitwasyon namin?

Mas lalo akong natakot noong maalala ko ang sinabi niya dati saakin.

"When the time comes that you won't make your promise, and you'll go looking for me, when you show up at my door trying to find me—you won't find me there. Wala na ako. And I hope you would understand me too."

paano kapag umalis na talaga siya? kapag tinalikuran na niya ako ng tuloyan?

I stood right outside Iris' gate and rang the doorbell over and over talaga. Press... wait... press again... pero wala talaga.

I banged hard on the metal bars with my fist, called her name loud and clear

"Iris! Iris, I'm here!" pero wala pa ring sumasagot.

I grabbed my phone and dialed her number again and again, like ten times already.

My chest felt so heavy, like I couldn't breathe properly. I honestly didn't know where else to go or who else I could run to.

All I was sure of was that I really needed to talk to her, I really needed to see her face.

But then tears slowly flowing, hindi ko na mapigilan. My legs suddenly felt super heavy, parang puro bato na. My knees gave way bigla at napaupo na lang sa labas ng gate nila, leaning my back against the cold gate.

I didn't even have the energy to cry loudly anymore, parang naubos lahat ng lakas ko kanina pa. I tried pushing myself up a few times, pero hindi ko na talaga kaya.

My eyes were full of tears, I could barely see anything na kasi they just kept falling. I really had nowhere else to go, nowhere else to breathe but here.

Suddenly bright lights hit my face straight from a car. I blinked hard and stood up fast, parang biglang na re-gain ang lakas ko. When my eyes adjusted, I knew that car right away, it was hers, sure ako. Engine turned off, and she stepped out.

She was still wearing that lawyer type suit, but her face... no expression talaga, parang hindi niya ako kilala.

Tinitigan niya lang ako, parang kahit pagkagulat ay wala siyang naramdaman.She walked straight towards the gate, hindi man lang ako pinansin like I wasn't even there. She reached in her bag, pulled out her keys, ready to unlock it.

I stepped right in front of her and grabbed her arms firm enough so she couldn't just walk away.

"Iris... Iris," my voice was all shaky, patuloy ang pag iyak and it was hard to speak. "We need to talk, please? Can we just talk even for a bit?"

She pulled her arms away quick. "There's nothing left to talk about na, Zarya. Ano pa ba kailangan mo? bakit ka na naman nandito?"

I moved closer, scared she'd slip inside and lock me out. "I promised I'd come back, diba? Eh nandito na ako. I'm right here, Iris...please."

She looked straight into my eyes, ang sakit ng tingin niya, parang sobrang pagod na at galit. "And what exactly are you doing here?" she asked, voice getting a bit louder. "Bakit ka nga ba talaga nandito? To ruin me again? Hurt me again? Para paasahin na naman ako?"

I shook my head over and over, scared she'd think I did it on purpose talaga. "I'm sorry... I promised, at tinupad ko na Iris. I am right here."

She laughed, but it sounded so fake and you could tell she was hurting.

Not a single bit of happiness there. "You broke that promise already, Zarya.

Not just once, but twice. Is that really your favorite thing to do?

Sasabihin mong babalik ka, then you come back after ages?

You said you'd be gone only a few days, a week or two...

then eight years passed, a whole month passed before you showed up again. Ang gulo?gulo mo."

My throat felt so tight, parang may nakabara, and every word was hard to push out, but I forced myself to explain.

"Nag extend ang bidding, that's why. And I couldn't tell you, bawal talaga.

It was dangerous, Iris. We weren't supposed to meet or talk...

I was just trying to protect you, that's really all. "

She looked at me even sharper. "Protect? You call that protection? Parang you treated me like I didn't matter at all. Your protection didn't make me safe, it just broke me more, alam mo ba 'yon?"

I felt like my whole body was falling apart.

I stepped a little closer, hands clasped together like I was begging.

Tears were running freely down my face. "I'm sorry...

I am really sorry, Iris. I never wanted it to turn out this way.

Just listen to me for a bit lang, please...

give me one more chance to explain everything. "

My hands were still shaking so bad, parang hindi mapakali kahit sandali. I looked straight at her, tears running down freely. "Nangako ako, 'di ba? I promised babalik ako pagkatapos ng bidding... ngayon nandito na ako, handa na akong ayusin ang lahat. Just give me a chance, please."

She looked away first, then turned back. Tumutulo na rin ang luha niya, and I couldn't do anything about it. She let out a shaky breath, parang pinipigilan lang 'yung sigaw na gustong lumabas.

"Zarya... do you think na madali lang sa akin 'yung ganun? That you leave, then babalik ka like nothing ever happened??"

I stepped closer, desperate for her to get it, parang sobrang bigat na ng dibdib ko.

"I'm sorry, Iris. Akala ko maiintindihan mo because I already told you, diba?

After the bidding, babalik ako. But the bidding extended...

I thought you'd understand me. I thought you could wait. Akala ko talaga maiintindihan mo—."

"I always understand you, Zarya! don't you ever question that.

'Cause even if it's hard for me, I always convince myself to understand you kahit ang labo?labo mo minsan.

I thought that is the easiest that would work for both of us, but it only worked for you.

Akala ko magiging maayos ang lahat basta iniintindi lang kita...

pero hindi. It wasn't fair, Zarya. It wasn't fair on my part that I always understands you, pero ni minsan inintindi mo ba ako? "

I couldn't speak anymore, tears were choking me too, parang hindi ko na maigalaw 'yung dila ko sa sobrang sakit. I just stood there crying with her, helpless. Alam ko kung paano ko siya nasasaktan, and I am here to fix that—kung hahayaan niya lang ako.

She wiped her tears as she stared at me.

"Inintindi mo ba na nasasaktan din ako? Did you even realize that?

Did you even think of me for once? Inisip mo ba na baka nasasaktan ako noong umalis ka...

when you left for 8 years? Did you even think of me...

hmm? Naisip mo ba ako? Kasi para sa akin...

parang hindi. You just came back, and said you still love me after eight years.

And do you think it was easy for me to believe that?

Putang ina, Zar... walong taon. Eight years of being miserable and waiting and wondering.

Then suddenly you're here saying you love me again.

It was so hard to believe... pero pinaniwalaan ko pa rin.

Because those 8 years, I kept on loving you.

That's why I took the risk of letting you in my life again, even with chances of getting hurt again. "

"Iris...from the moment you came into my life up until now—it has always been you.

I have loved you, and I carried that love kahit saan ako pumunta.

Believe it or not, kung madali lang sa akin ang lahat, Iris matagal na kitang binalikan.

But hindi eh. It was hard for me... hindi madali.

There were lots of circumstances, lots of sacrifices, and nahirapan din ako.

" My hands were trembling so much, parang hindi mapakali kahit anong gawin ko.

Tears kept spilling down, blurring everything around me.

I looked at her, desperate for her to feel how real this was.

"That's exactly the point, Zarya. You have lots of problems in your life...

ang gulo ng buhay mo, you have lots of problems to fix...

and I am one of those. So as much as I want to be with you, to help you, to stay beside you while you fix everything...

I didn't realize I was the one slowly breaking apart.

Ako 'yung nawawasak. I don't even know how to help you anymore.

Hindi ko rin alam paano, kasi ako mismo, Zarya...

ako mismo sirang?sira na din. And I don't wanna add up.

So please, Zarya... I've had enough. I'm hurt enough.

Please, umalis ka na lang. And if you can...

please do not ever come back again in my life.

Umalis ka na lang, wag ka nang bumalik. Go fix all your life problems, and once you've fixed all of that...

humanap ka na lang ng iba. Just forget about me.

Please... forget about me." She looked away for a second, like she was holding everything back.

When she faced me again, her eyes were sharp, parang bawat salita ay may kasamang bigat na matagal na niyang dinadala.

My chest felt like it was being squeezed tight, parang hirap huminga.

She is right, andami kong kailangan ayusin.

But I want her, more than fixing everything.

"You know I can't do that, Iris. hindi ko kayang gawin 'yun. Mas gugustuhin ko pang mapuno ng problema ang buhay ko... as long as I have you by my side. But what's the use of fixing everything... kung wala ka naman sa tabi ko?"

She let out a bitter breath, parang galit at pagod. "Then you're fucking selfish, Zarya. That's so selfish of you to think like that."

She paused, and took a few steps closer.

"I told you before, 'di ba? If you came back again without keeping your promise...

don't expect me to still be here. But nonetheless, I am here — unfortunately.

And I also told you...there might come a time when ako naman ang susuko.

Zarya, sana maintindihan mo rin ako. If this time...

ako naman 'yung aalis... please, intindihin mo 'ko. "

After Iris said those last words, parang natigil ang lahat sa paligid ko. My throat closed up completely, walang kahit isang salita na lumabas. I just stood there, eyes locked on her, hands hanging useless at my sides, while she stared right back like she was already saying goodbye.

She slowly wiped her tears with the back of her hand, then turned toward the gate like she was really done. The second she moved, I snapped out of it.

I chased forward and grabbed both her arms tight, desperate to keep her from stepping away. Before I even knew it, my knees gave out and I sank straight down to the ground, nagmamakaawa na talaga ako sa harap niya.

Sobrang lakas ng pag-iyak ko, parang gumuho na ang buong katawan ko. Tears streamed down non stop, blurring everything.

"Iris... please. Iris, let's fix this," I choked out, voice breaking into sobs. "Ayusin natin 'to, Iris... wag mo ko iwan, please... nagmamakaawa ako sa'yo, Iris..."

But she gently removed my grip from her arms, her touch not angry but cold and final. She looked down at me, pain still there but no more softness left.

"There's no chance anymore," she said flatly.

"Hindi na 'to maaayos. Just fix your fucking messed up life.

But before that, try to fix yourself first. Ayusin mo na rin 'yung sarili mo, Zarya.

Kasi kahit ako... parang hindi na kita kilala.

You were always chasing and fixing everything else, but you were the one losing yourself along the way. "

"Iris, please..." I tried again, hands reaching up to grab her pero she took a step back para umiwas. I was still on my knees, shaking, begging, but she wouldn't even lean closer.

She turned fully, naglakad siya papasok sa gate and walked inside. I was left there alone, wala akong magagawa. I just watched her walking away, palayo saakin.

Then after a few steps along her driveway, she suddenly stopped. She didn't turn around, didn't look back at me at all. Her back was straight, shoulders stiff, and her voice came out low and tired.

"Umuwi ka na lang...Umuwi ka na at wag ka nang babalik ulit dito."

And she kept walking until she disappeared inside, leaving me still kneeling on the ground, broken and empty.

Nang tuluyan nang mawala si Iris sa paningin ko, nandoon lang pa rin ako nakaluhod sa labas ng gate. Parang hindi ko maigalaw ang katawan ko, sobrang bigat talaga. I tried to stand up pero parang wala akong lakas, parang hinihila pababa ng lupa.

My mind went blank for a moment, then everything rushed back all at once, Dad's anger, the forced marriage, Ate Yana and Aria, the bidding I lost... tapos ito pa, ito na naman ang sakit galing kay Iris. Ang dami?dami ko nang iniisip, parang hindi na nauubos, tapos dumagdag pa 'to.

I sat back on my heels, arms wrapping tight around myself while tears just kept falling silently. Hindi ko talaga alam kung anong gagawin ko ngayon. I wanted to fix everything, make things right with everyone, pero paano? Paano ko aayusin ang lahat eh parang gumuho naman isa?isa sa harap ko?

I looked around, dark street, cold wind, no one's there. Wala akong idea kung saan ako magsisimula. Everything felt tangled and messy, like every step I take leads me deeper into trouble. I promised I'd come back and make it better, but now I realized I came back only to break apart more.

Paano pa ako babawi? Paano pa ako mapapakinggan ni Iris? Paano ko pa ilalayo ang sarili ko sa gusto ni papa? Walang sagot, walang plano, I couldn't find my way back. Just pain and confusion, sitting heavy in my chest, leaving me lost and completely unsure what comes next.

I stayed kneeling there for quite a while. I really wanted to go home already, but I honestly had no strength left to stand up. Wala akong lakas to drive home alone, I felt like I'd just fall again if I tried.

My hands were shaking so bad while I reached for my phone. I almost dropped it a few times before I found her name, Xylla. I pressed her number fast, barely breathing while it rang.

She picked up immediately.

"Zar?...Zar?" she said, sounding alert and worried right away.

The second I heard her voice, everything just broke loose. I couldn't hold it back anymore and started crying hard on the line.

"Xylla... I can't do this anymore... hindi ko na alam anong gagawin ko" I said, voice cracking between sobs.

"Zar, nasaan ka? nasa Pinas ka ba?" she asked quickly.

"Please come pick me up," I begged while crying. "I'm here...nandito ako kay Iris."

I could hear her moving around fast on the other end, like she was already getting ready to leave. "Okay, just wait there. Stay put ha? Don't go anywhere, papunta na ako."

I didn't answer. Nothing else came out but quiet sobs. I just held the phone tight against my ear. Stayed sitting on the ground, leaning against the gate, crying non stop while waiting.

While I cried, I couldn't help but think about everything.

I remembered how many times I chose Iris over her, how I left Xylla behind or hurt her just because I was so focused on Iris.

I treated her like second choice talaga, and I know I let her down so many times.

Pero look at her now, rushing to get me, ready to holdme together when everything falls apart.

She never turns me away no matter what I did.

I felt so bad about it, parang ang sama?sama ko for taking her for granted again and again. I wanted to say sorry properly, to make it up somehow... but deep down I knew, wala na akong magagawa to change the past.

This is just how it is, she stays as someone close to me but not as close as Iris. I keep messing up, and she still shows up whenever I need her most. It hurts, but I know I can't fix that part anymore. She is my friend, and it would stay like that.

A few minutes later, a car pulled up and stopped right in front. I knew it was her instantly. She turned off the engine at lumabas agad sa sasakyan. She immediately ran towards me the moment na nagkatitigan kami.

"What happened to you, Zarya?" she asked. "bakit ganito ang itsura mo??" she added quickly. Then she pulled me into a really tight hug.

Halos hindi pa rin ako makapag salita dahil sa bigat ng naramramdaman ko ngayon, all I could do is cry.

"Ano ang ginawa ni Iris sa'yo? Nasaan siya? kakausapin ko si—"

"No... walang kasalanan si Iris," I managed to say between sobs. "Pero xy...iniwan na niya ako."

She didn't say anything else. Just hugged me even tighter and rubbed my back slowly, hinayaan niya lang akong umiyak.

I cried harder, chest going up and down so fast parang hindi na ako makahinga ng maayos.

All the pain, confusion, and mess I've been carrying, lahat 'yun lumabas bigla right there while she knelt beside me.

She stayed quiet and steady, exactly what I needed kahit ang gulo?gulo ko na.

_____

"You want beer? Or tequila?" she asked casually.

"Anything lang," I answered.

Where here at her condo, the place was quiet and peaceful . Earlier she offered to bring me straight home, but I shook my head fast, ayoko pa. I really couldn't be alone right now, I badly needed someone to talk to, so I told her I'd rather go with her here.

She came back quickly with two cold bottles, handed one to me, then sat right next to me, close enough like she knew I didn't want too much space. I twisted the cap open and took a long sip, just letting the cold taste settle in my throat.

Then she turned fully toward me, elbows resting on her knees, eyes serious now. "So... what really happened?" she asked gently. "Ano ba talagang nangyari sa inyong dalawa?"

I stared at the bottle in my hands, shrugged my shoulders weakly. "Wala... wala na," I said softly, like I was giving up already.

"Nakipag?hiwalay na siya sa'yo?" she pressed a little.

I let out a shaky breath, looked away. "Mm..napagod na siya," I admitted, voice cracking. "Pero kasalanan ko naman eh. It was really my fault."

She nodded slowly, didn't sugarcoat it. "Yes, tama ka naman. it was your fault talaga, Zarya. To be honest... if I were in Iris' situation, masasaktan din ako. I would be hurt just like her. And maybe I'd even do the same thing... baka iwan din kita kung ako 'yung nasa sitwasyon niya."

That hit me hard. I bit my lip and looked back at her, eyes tearing up again. "Ganun na ba ako kasama, Xylla?" I asked quietly, desperate to know. "Deserve ko ba talaga 'yung ganitong sitwasyon?"

She reached over and patted my knee gently, tone softer now. "Hindi naman... you don't deserve to be miserable. But you are miserable now, and alam mo kung bakit? Kasi mas pinipili mo lagi 'yung iba kaysa sa sarili mo. You always choose other people rather than choosing yourself."

"Ano ba dapat kong gawin?" I asked her, voice still soft and tired.

She shook her head a little, her face became serious na rin.

"I really don't know eh. Kasi hindi ko pa alam your whole situation right now, Zar.

I know you're still hiding something, parang hindi lang naman 'to about Iris or the bidding.

There's probably another reason why you ended up like this.

But what I can say... wag mong takbuhan 'yung mga problema mo.

Maybe it's time that you really face and fix them, but before anything else...

ayusin mo muna 'yang sarili mo. You're not the same Zarya I knew before.

Dati you looked okay pa naman. But now...

when I look at you, parang nakikita ko is someone alive but broken inside.

I can't explain it perfectly, but that's really what I see. "

Tears welled up again and just fell on their own. Pare-pareho lang sila ng sinasabi, and it make so much sense.

"It hurts... it hurts so much," Patuloy pa rin sa pagpatak ang mga luha ko. "Hindi ko alam kung makakaya ko ba 'to."

She leaned a bit closer and looked straight at me. "Fix yourself first, Zar, before you try fixing everything else. Nahihirapan na rin ako for you eh. You know naman, if I could help, I really would. But honestly, I don't even know how to help you right now."

I shook my head and wiped my tears with the back of my hand. "It's okay, Xy. You've already done so much for me. 'Yung kay Iris palang, you've done more than enough."

She let out a short, bitter sounding laugh.

"I helped you with Iris kasi I thought...

I thought once you got back together, you'd be okay again.

Pero parang mali ako, parang nadagdagan lang.

Sana hindi na lang ako nagsinungaling kay Iris when she came to my place.

Sana I didn't tell her you went straight back to Italy to stay there.

Sana hindi ko nalang siya pinaniwala... kasi parang it only made things messier for you. "

I held her hand tight. " 'wag mong isipin 'yon, Xy. The moment na nagkabalikan kami, that was the happiest part of my life aside from meeting her. Kahit sobrang ikli lang ng panahon namin, it made me feel whole again. I will never regret that, mas mag-sisisi pa ako kapag hindi ko siya makuha ulit."

She nodded slowly, then asked seriously. "How will you get her back? Ano ang plano mo?"

I paused before answering, thinking it through carefully. "Maybe I'll go back to Italy first."

Her expression shifted instantly, a mix of surprise and worry. "Again? tatakbohan mo na naman lahat?"

I shook my head quickly. "Not like that, I really have to go.

Dad forced me to marry Ryan, and there are so many other problems waiting for me there too.

Uuwi nalang muna ako, I'll try to sort those things out while fixing myself along the way.

Baka tama nga kayo... maybe I really need to start with myself. "

Her eyes widened a little. "He forced you to marry Ryan?"

"Yeah," I answered quietly. "Pero hindi ko naman hahayaan 'yon, I won't let them dictate my future again."

She breathed deep and nodded again, like she finally understood. "Okay, naiintindihan ko. If you think that's the right thing for you, then go. Umuwi ka ng Italy, but make sure that when you come back here... you're strong enough to fight for Iris again."

"Thank you, Xy," I said, looking at her with so much gratitude. "Salamat talaga...nandiyan ka palagi for me kahit minsan na kitang nasaktan—"

She cut me off right away. "Zarya, 'wag mo na akong isipin. Please... think of yourself first, think of Iris, and whatever you really need to prioritize. Nandito lang naman ako e, nakasuporta lang ako bilang kaibigan."

"Thank you, Xy...thank you so much." I repeated, calmer now.

She asked right after, "so, kailan ka babalik ng Italy?"

"Maybe tomorrow... or the day after," I replied.

She patted my shoulder firmly. "Alright. Whenever you need me, tawagan mo lang ako. Even if I have to fly all the way there to Italy, gagawin ko. Magsabi ka lang."

I gave a small, sad smile. "No need naman... I can handle this."

I took another small sip, eyes fixed on nothing. My chest still felt heavy, but for the first time since everything fell apart, I had a clear direction, even if it scares me so much.

I didn't know exactly what waits for me back there, or if fixing myself is really enough. I didn't know if Iris will still be there when I come back, or if I'm just walking straight into another mess. But one thing is sure, hindi ako tumatakas this time.

I closed my eyes for a second, Iris' last words echoing again in my mind.

"Fix yourself"

.