Chasing Dreams, Losing Her.

Chapter 48 left holding her

Zarya's point of view

I stopped right in front of Ate Yana's house. Honestly, hindi ko talaga plano na bumalik agad. But something was pulling me to go straight to her.

I knew what I wanted to do, alam kong kailangan kong ayusin ang saamin ni Iris bago pa mahuli ang lahat. But right now, it felt like there was something way more important than that. At hindi ko din alam kung ano 'yon, it's just an intuition.

I walked inside and saw her fully dressed, ready to go somewhere. She was busy fixing Aria's clothes and blanket, inaayos lahat ng gamit ng bata.

"So... where are you two heading?" I asked right away.

She turned around and her face was full of shock, not just surprised, gulat na gulat siya ng makita ako.

Lumapit ako sa kanya at nagtanong ulit. "Where are you two going?"

Instead of answering, she immediately asked back. "Kailan ka dumating? You should've told me na babalik ka pala agad. I thought you'd be gone for months."

"Well, I'm here," I just said. Lumapit ako kay Aria, leaned down and kissed her forehead while dahan dahang hinaplos her soft cheek.

We kept talking while Ate was still arranging some things on the table.

"Kamusta? Anong sabi ni Papa?" she asked, voice sounding worried.

My small smile faded as I looked at the baby. "He was mad. And he wants me to marry Ryan."

She stopped for a second and frowned deeply. "Why would he make you do that?"

"You know Papa naman," I answered and sighed heavily.

She waved it off. "Hayaan mo na lang, he will calm down eventually."

I shook my head fast. "No, Ate. He seemed really desperate. No one can change his mind, he's even willing na itakwil ako."

Her expression changed. She stepped closer to me quickly. "Did he hurt you?!"

I stayed quiet for a moment, hindi ko alam ano ang isasagot ko sa kaniya.

"Did he fucking hurt you, Zarya?" she repeated, mas diniinan niya pa, louder now and full of concern.

"No, it wasn't a big deal, Ate. 'Wag mo na isipin," I lied smoothly. She just gave birth, ayokong dagdagan ang stress niya or maging another problem on her plate.

I went back to my question, speaking clearly so she couldn't avoid it. "So, saan nga kayo pupunta ni Aria?"

She just stared at me for a long time, then suddenly shifted the topic back to me. "How about Iris? Kamusta kayo?"

why does she kept dodging my question, iniiwan niya ba sadya or gusto lang talaga niya malaman ang nangyari sakin sa Pinas?

"I don't even know," I said while looking away. "She's so mad at me. She told me to leave and never come back."

She stepped even closer and held my arm tight, parang trying to comfort me. "And you are really going to give up?"

I shook my head slowly. "No. I'll just give her some time. Hahayaan ko rin muna siguro ang sarili ko. Give myself a break from everything."

She walked slowly towards me, and hugged me tight, rubbing my back gently. "That's right, Zar. You should focus on yourself first. Kapag kaya mo na, p'wede mo siyang ipaglaban ulit."

I just nodded, but inside I kept asking myself, Can I really fight for Iris again someday? When will I be strong enough?

And one wish kept playing in my head, na sana when I finally get there, she's still waiting. Sana when I've become the best version of myself, it's not too late yet. Sana kapag kaya ko na, nandiyan parin siya.

She pulled away and said, "We'll talk again later, gusto kong marinig lahat. I want you to tell me everything, alam kong nahihirapan ka din."

I sighed and asked for the 4th time, firmer now. "Where are you going? This is the 4th time I am asking ha."

She looked a bit caught off guard and hesitated before answering, pilit rin na umiiwan ng tingin. "Ah... we're just gonna go shopping. With... with my friend. We'll be quick, magpahinga ka muna diyan."

I noticed her hands trembling slightly and her face looked pale. Bakit ganyan mukha niya? Why does she look so restless and uneasy?

"Okay. Mag?ingat kayo, and enjoy. Don't spend too much time outside, baka may makakilala sa'yo." I just said calmly.

She lifted Aria up and carefully placed her inside the stroller, then grabbed the big bag filled with milk bottles, diapers, and everything the baby needed.

Pinanood ko siya as she arranged everything neatly, and couldn't help but smile, ang sarap sa puso seeing how she takes good care of her daughter. Parang kailan lang alcohol ang binibitbit niya, ngayon bata na.

"Bye byee, Zia Zee," she waved and smiled sweetly.

(Bye bye, auntie Zee."

She pushed Aria's stroller out of the house, pinanood ko lang sila na umalis. I smiled back and slowly sat down on the sofa.

I reached for the remote control na nakapatong sa mesa, and I spotted a phone left lying on the center table. Alam kong sa kanya 'yun. I reached for it to give it back before they could leave, but suddenly the screen lit up. A message popped right at the top.

Isaac.

My blood boiled instantly. She's going to meet that asshole? Isaac is actually here in Italy? Did she just lie to me??

I ran fast out of the house. There she was beside the car, naabutan ko pa siya while opening the door and adjusting the back seat properly for Aria.

When she saw me, she stopped and looked at me. "Oh, Zar? Magpahinga ka na doon."

Lumapit ako sa kanya to give her phone back. "You left your phone."

She took it quickly and hid it inside her bag. "Thank you, Zee—"

I cut her off right there, straight to the point. "You're going to meet that asshole, aren't you?"

She froze in place, totally caught. "What are you talking about?—" She tried to deny it fast, forcing her usual smile back.

"I saw his messages, Ate," I said firmly, no beating around the bush.

Her fake smile vanished immediately.

"So? You really planned to meet him? nasa Italy siya ngayon?" I asked, voice harder.

"Zar..." was all she could say, parang no explanation left. Alam niyang huling huli ko na siya.

"Ate, what were you thinking?! Paano pag napano kayo ni Aria?" Hindi ko na napigilan, tumaas na din ang boses ko.

She stood taller and defended herself. "Zar, he's just here to visit Aria. He has the right to do that, anak niya rin si Aria."

"You'd really risk Aria's safety just for that? Paano kung something bad happens to you guys?!" I insisted.

"Zar, susunduin lang namin si Isaac. Babalik kami agad, I promise," she assured me.

"Just picking him up? Or are you two planning to run away and never come back?" I challenged her.

Her tone changed instantly, sharper and defensive. "Zar, hindi mo naiintindihan. He wants to see his daughter."

"Then he can come here to see her! Bakit kailangan mong isama si Aria? Do you even realize the risks? That little girl can barely open her eyes tapos dadalhin mo pa sa ganitong sitwasyon?"

She went quiet, parang my words finally sank in. She looked down for a second before answering softly. "We'll be careful naman—"

"I don't care," I said, raising my voice, couldn't hold it back anymore. "Leave Aria here. Go alone if you really must go."

"You don't even know paano mag timpla ng gatas niya, and besides—"

"I can learn. Leave her with me, at hahayaan kitang umalis para sunduin 'yung tatay niya." I answered without hesitation.

I didn't wait for her reply. Lumapit ako sa kotse and carefully lifted Aria out. There was nothing more she could do, she just let me take her, even though I could see she hated it. Tinignan niya lang ako, alam naman niya na kahit magpumilit siya ay hindi ko hahayaan na dalhin niya si Aria.

This isn't about them anymore, this is about Aria's safety.

She just got in her car with no choice, she just gave me that giving up look at sinara ang kotse niya, then she drove away fast.

I stood there sa labas ng bahay ni Ate, while holding the baby as I watch her go.

Tama ba 'tong ginawa ko? hindi nga ako marunong magpatahan sa kaniya. But what more can I do? nandito na.

Kaya ko naman siguro 'to,

I stepped back inside the house and gently placed Aria down in her crib.

She was still sleeping peacefully, kaya naiwan muna akong nakatayo lang sa tabi niya, nakatitig.

I just stood there, hands on my hips, looking at her small face and thinking kung ano ba talaga ang gagawin ko dito? Ni hindi ko alam kung saan magsisimula.

It's been almost half an hour na tahimik kami ni Aria, buti naman at hindi siya umiiyak.

I walked back and forth around the living room, pacing from the sofa to the dining table and back.

My mind was racing, what if Yana takes too long?

Paano kung mapano sila? But then I'd look back at Aria and remember, she's safe here, at least.

After a few minutes, Aria started waking up. Her little face scrunched up, her mouth opened, and suddenly... she cried. Sobrang lakas pala umiyak nito, parang biglang nagising na galit.

"Uy, ssshhh... okay lang 'yan, okay lang..." I rushed back to the crib to picked her up, and started rocking her side to side. "Nandito lang si Zia Zee, 'wag ka na umiyak please..."

But she cried harder. Her face turned red, tiny fists clenched, kicking her legs like she was really upset.

I patted her back, rubbed her tummy, hummed whatever song I could think of, pero nothing worked.

I walked around the room faster, bounced her gently, whispered apologies kahit wala naman akong ginawa. But she just kept crying and crying.

"Grabe naman, ang lakas mo sumigaw ah," I said, half panicking half amused.

Jusko, pinagpawisan na ako dito. This was way harder than I thought. I tried sitting down, standing up, changing positions, still no good. She was wailing non stop.

Kinabahan na ako. Oh my god, hindi ko alam paano ito. I looked around the room like there'd be a manual taped somewhere.

Pero wala! Nothing. I bit my lip at nag isip ano ang gagawin, who do I call? Tatawagan ko na si Ate? 'wag na lang, ako naman nagpumilit na iwan si Aria saakin.

Then it hit me, si Xylla....

Tatawagan ko na lang si Xylla, baka alam niya paano mag handle ng batang 'to.

I fumbled for my phone, pressed her number with shaky fingers, and put it on speaker while holding Aria tight against my chest. It rang twice before she picked up.

"Hello? Zar? Bakit napatawag ka?" Xylla's voice came through, casual as always.

"Xylla! Thank God!" I almost shouted, Aria still crying loud in the background.

"Help me please! Anong gagawin ko dito? Ang lakas umiyak ni Aria, hindi tumitigil kahit anong gawin ko!"

"Huh? Sinong Aria?" She asked na sobrang takang taka ang tono ng boses niya.

Agad naman akong napatigil nang mapagtanto ko. Hindi pala alam ni Xylla ang tungkol sa anak ni Ate, jusko!

Ano sasabihin ko?? How do I dodge this situation!? fuck.

"Ah..uhm a friend left her baby with me. At hindi ko alam paano 'to." I quickly made an excuse.

Xylla laughed a little. "I thought it's something serious. bakit ba ganyan ka mag panic? Is she hurt? Basang diaper? Gutom?"

"Ewan ko! Hindi ko alam!" I answered, pacing faster. "Basta umiiyak siya nang malala, what do I do?"

"Teka lang, teka," she said, still amused. "Hindi ko rin naman expert dito ah, pero common sense lang 'to, baka gutom 'yan. Bigyan mo ng gatas, baka tumahan."

I froze. "Gatas... oo nga pala." Then I panicked again. "Pero pano mag?timpla?! Hindi ko alam pano mag?timpla ng gatas! I don't have any idea how to do this, how many scoops ba dapat nito?"

Xylla burst out laughing now. "Hala, Zarya! Seriously?! Sige, kumalma ka muna. Hanapin mo yung lata ng gatas at yung bote."

"Okay okay, waitt" I said, trying to balance Aria while scanning the room. I saw the cabinet from the corner, mukhang puro essentials ni Aria 'yon, binuksan ko ito agad at kinuha ang lata ng gatas. "Wait... meron dito... nakuha ko na!"

"Good," Xylla said. "Now, basahin mo yung nakasulat sa likod ng lata. Usually nakalagay doon, ilang scoop per ounces of water."

I squinted at the small print while Aria kept wailing right next to my ear. "Wait... parang... 1 scoop every 2 ounces? Tama ba?"

"Oo, parang ganyan," Xylla confirmed. "Then painitin mo yung tubig, warm lang, hindi mainit ha. 'Wag mapaso ang bibig ng bata."

"Paano ko malalaman kung sakto ang init?!" I asked, voice rising again.

"Hoy Doctor ka, pero para kang ewan ngayon. Patak patakan mo sa kamay mo" she said like it was obvious. "Pag hindi mo maramdaman na mainit, pwede na 'yan."

I nodded even though she couldn't see me. "Okay, wait..don't end the call ha."

I went to the kitchen counter, reached for a clean glass to get water, but my hand slipped. Nahulog ang baso sa sahig, and it's completely shattered into pieces.

Hindi ko alam pero noong nahulog 'yung baso, parang kinabahan ako. My kneels felt weak, but it was just a glass. Baka dahil lang sa panic ko.

"Shit..." I muttered. I put Aria carefully back on her crib with pillows around her.

I grabbed a broom and dustpan, knelt down to sweep the pieces. I was rushing a bit, didn't see the tiny shard, it sliced right across my palm.

"Argh!" I pulled my hand back fast. Tumulo kaagad ang mga dugo sa kamay ko.

I pressed hard with a tissue, grabbed the first?aid box from the drawer, and wrapped a band?aid tight around the cut. It stung bad, but I didn't have time to sit and whine kasi mas lalo ng umiiyak si Aria.

"Okay ka lang ba diyan??" Xylla asked from the phone, hearing the noise.

"I'm fine, a glass just slipped." I said, breathing out. "May maliit na cut lang."

I filled the bottle with warm water, carefully measured the scoops. Muntikan ko na masayang 'yung ilang scoops because my hand still throbbed. I shook it hard, dinouble check ko na rin ang temperature ng tubig sa kamay ko.

"Okay, ready na!" I told Xylla. "Bibigay ko na sa kanya... wait lang..."

Aria kept crying, kaya kinarga ko muna siyauntil the nipple of the bottle touched her lips, then she latched on instantly and went quiet. Just like that. Total silence.

Nakahinga rin ako ng maluwag. "Wow...I thought hindi na matatapos 'yang iyak mo ha."

Xylla was still laughing from the phone call. "See? Sabi ko naman eh. Hayaan mo lang, marunong ka rin naman pala."

"Nakaka?stress naman 'to ah," I said, smiling a little now. "Glad I called you, kung hindi, baka tumakbo na lang ako palabas dala siya."

"Syempre nandito lang ako," she said, tone turning a bit softer. "But bakit ba ikaw lang kasama niya? Where's her mom?"

"Ah... may pinuntahan lang siya," I answered vaguely, glancing at the wall clock. It had been more than an hour since she left. "Mababalik din 'yun agad sabi niya."

Aria finally went quiet, happily drinking her milk.

I sank back onto the sofa, making myself comfortable while holding her securely against my chest. My shoulders dropped, the panic slowly fading away.

Ganito pala feeling ni Ate, paano niya nagawa 'to lahat eh wala din naman siyang alam sa ganito? Naka default ba 'to sa lahat ng nanay?

"Thanks, Xy," I breathed out, relieved. "Seriously, thank you."

"No problem," she replied. "So... kamusta ka dyan?"

"Okay lang naman," I said softly. "Kakadating ko lang din naman kanina dito."

Then she said, "Punta kaya ako diyan?"

I blinked, surprised. "Ano naman gagawin mo dito?"

"Well," she went on, "aside from I miss Ate Yana, gusto ko rin mag travel diyan ulit. I need some time for myself too eh... so why not puntahan na lang din kita diyan?"

My mind raced immediately, no one outside knew about the baby, much less that she was ate Yana's. I couldn't just let anyone come here right now.

"Ah... yeah sure," I answered carefully. "I can find you some hotels nearby if gusto mo okay?"

She laughed on the other end. "Parang hindi kaibigan ah. You really won't share your house with me?"

"Well, hindi naman sa ganun," I started, then remembered my own place. Right...meron akong seperate condo near the city. Hindi din kasi p'wede sa bahay namin mismo, may mga maids kami doon. Baka magsumbong pa kay papa na nandito ako.

"But yeah sure," I quickly added. "You can stay at my place kasi nandito ako ngayon sa bahay ni Ate Yana eh. Walang tao dun sa condo ko, you can stay there as long as you want."

"Okay," she said happily. "Sige, see you then."

"Kailan ka pupunta?" I asked.

"Actually... nakapag?book na ako," she admitted, sounding amused. "Punta ako diyan mamayang gabi. Mamaya na 'yung flight ko eh. It was supposed to be a surprise, pero hindi ko rin alam bakit ko sinabi sa'yo ngayon."

My eyes widened. "Really? Flight mo na mamaya?"

"Oo naman," she teased. "Paulit ulit ah?"

I was about to ask her something else, like what time exactly she lands. When my phone made that sharp double tone again. Another call coming in. I glanced at the screen, si Ate lang pala.

"Wait lang," I cut in fast. "I'm sorry Xy, tumatawag si Ate. I'll call you again later."

"Sige, okay okay," she said easygoing. "Take care dyan, Zar. Talk soon."

I ended the call with her and swiped to answer the new one, heart suddenly beating faster for no reason I could name.

My thumb went over the answer button for a second longer than usual. Na parang may pumipigil saakin, at hindi ko din alam kung bakit.

Before I even pressed it, something settled heavy sa dibdib ko, parang may bigat na biglang dumagan, kinakabahan ako, takot na takot pero hindi ko naman maipaliwanag kung bakit.

My chest felt tight, parang nahihirapan na akong huminga kahit wala naman akong ginawa.

It was just a gut wrenching feeling, cold and sharp.

I shook it off fast, telling myself baka pagod lang 'to, and swiped to answer.

"Hello? Ate? Nasaan na kayo?" I asked right away, voice still a little shaky but trying to sound normal.

But instead of Yana's familiar voice, a man spoke, deep, formal, professional, and carrying a heavy, grave tone that instantly made my blood run cold.

"Buongiorno. Posso chiederle se è parente di Yana De Luca e di un certo signor Isaac Walter?"

(Good morning. May I ask if you are related to Yana De Luca and a certain Mr. Isaac Walter?)

My grip on the phone tightened. Kinakabahan na talaga ako ngayon, heart pounding so hard I could hear it in my ears. Bakit ibang tao ang sumasagot? Bakit ganun ang boses niya?

"Sì," I answered quickly, breath catching. "Sì, Yana è mia sorella. Sono sua sorella. Dove sono? Perché ha il suo cellulare lei?"

(Yes, I'm Yana's sister. Where are they? Why do you have her phone?"

The silence that followed felt like it stretched forever. The man's voice dropped lower, sounded heavy, almost defeated, parang alam na alam niya kung gaano kasakit ang sasabihin niya. Something was definitely off, really, really off, and my knees started to feel weak already just waiting.

"C'è stato un grave incidente stradale." he said slowly and clearly. "La signora De Luca e il signor Walter si trovavano entrambi all'interno del veicolo coinvolto nello scontro."

(There has been a serious car accident, and Ms. De Luca and Mr. walter are involved.)

My mind went blank for a split second. I blinked fast, parang hindi tumatakbo sa isip ko 'yung sinabi niya. Accident? Anong accident? Paano nangyari 'yun? Biglang gumulo ang isip ko, lumamig ang pakiramdam ko na hindi ko maipaliwanag.

"Dove sono?!" I almost shouted, voice cracking, panic rising fast. "Dove sono adesso? Stanno bene? La prego, mi dica che stanno bene!"

(Where are they? Are they okay? Please tell me they are fine.)

Right then, Aria who had been quiet and comfortably drinking earlier, suddenly burst out crying.

Sobrang lakas, parang sumasabay sa bigat na nararamdaman ko. Her cries were loud, desperate, cutting straight through the call, and I could barely think straight anymore.

I swayed where I stood, knees buckling, had to lean hard against the wall para hindi ako bumagsak. Everything around me felt like it was spinning, parang panaginip lang sana 'to na gusto ko nang magising.

I waited, breath stuck tight sa lalamunan ko parang may nakabara na matalim. Hindi ko na rin namalayan na unti unti nang tumutulo ang mga luha ko ng kusa. My hands were shaking so bad, halos mabitawan ko na 'yung cellphone habang hawak ko si Aria.

Every second felt so long, so endless, silence ringing loud in my ears, chest heaving parang humahagulgol na ako pero walang tunog na lumalabas. I stood there bracing myself without even knowing what I was waiting for, sobrang bigat ng pakiramdam ko.

Then the man spoke again, this time his voice became heavy, parang dala?dala niya 'yung sakit mismo, parang ang bigat niya pakinggan. Na parang walang kahit kaunting pag?asa na pwede kong hawakan. Just that kind of finality that breaks everything you thought was safe and whole.

Narinig ko siyang huminga ng malalim, na parang hirap din siyang ipaabot saakin ang sasabihin niya.

Then...the next thing he said completely broke me.

"Sono morti entrambi sul colpo."

"They are both dead on the spot."