Chapter 50 To protect what remains
Zarya's Point Of View
The next day....
My sister has turned into ashes...wala na talaga
Mom and Dad is here, alam na din nila. It was hard for me na sabihin sa kanila lahat, especially that it seems intentional instead of accident.
They immediately went here as soon as they heard the news. Of course it was hard for them to believe, kahit ako naman ay hindi makapaniwala e.
Isaac's urn is also here, they are both in the same place. But his family will be here to take him, at hinahanada ko na ang sarili ko sa kung ano man ang mangyayari dito mamaya.
The room is silent but felt so loud. Nakatayo kaming dalawa ni mommy sa harap ng urn ni ate, she was crying so much. We were hugging each other, thinking it would ease the pain we feel.
While my dad is sitting behind us. I could feel his silence pero halatang meron siyang malalim na iniisip.
There are only few visitors here tonight, strictly ordered by Papa. He knows about Yana and Isaac now, pero ang alam niya lang ay girlfriend ni Isaac si Ate. He doesn't know anything more than that. He doesn't even know about the gun shots, I strictly prohibited the officers to tell them about it.
I want to dig deeper in this, alone.
While on Isaac's side, it wasn't me who informed his family. Hindi ko kaya makipag-usap sa kahit sino sa kanila...kahit kay Iris. It was the officers who gave them the informations.
"Since when was this son of a bitch with your sister?" Papa broke the silence between our sobs.
"I don't know, Pa." I looked away, parang sumisikip na agad ang dibdib ko.
"How come you don't know?!" he asked, tumayo siya agad while stepping closer, and his voice got louder.
Here we go again...
"I don't fucking know, okay?! Can we not talk about this here, Pa? Please?" My voice sounded so tired and frustrated.
"No. We will talk about it now, Zarya."
He glanced at his bodyguards near the door. Naintindihan naman kaagad ng mga bodyguards, and they quickly escorted the visitors outside of the hall, then closed the door.
Now it was just the three of us...alone with the urns.
Dad turned back to me, ang sakit na ng tingin niya saakin. "Tell me, Zarya. How did this happen to your sister?"
"She died, due to accident. Ano pa bang gusto mong malaman?
Why do you even care, hmm? I thought she wasn't important enough for you to ask when she was still alive?
Now that she's gone, bigla ka na lang naghahanap ng sagot?
" I lifted my chin, and all the pain and anger I've been keeping inside started to come out.
Hindi ko rin alam bakit galit ako sa kaniya, pero ito 'yung nararamdaman ko e. Gusto ko lang ilabas lahat, habang kaya ko pa.
"Aah!" Before I could say more, his hand landed hard on my cheek. My head turned to the side, sobrang hapdi, I bit my lip para hindi mapasigaw.
"Raymond, tama na!" Mom screamed, pulling away from me to stand between us. "Are you crazy?! Sinasaktan mo na ang sarili mong anak...in front of her sister's urn? Wala ka na ba talagang respeto sa mga anak mo?"
Before dad could even say anything, I quickly hugged mom. "Ma, lumabas ka muna...please."
She looked at me in disbelief. "Zarya—"
"Ma...please." I stared at the bodyguard, and they understood right away. Kinuha nila si mommy saakin, wala na rin nagawa si mommy at sumama na sa kanila.
I looked back at my father na ngayon halos patayin ako sa tingin. I stepped closer to him, hindi ko na dinamdam pa ang 'yung hapdi ng sampal niya.
"I just wish she was still alive. So she could tell you everything she's been through. Maybe then you'll feel like a father. Maybe you'll understand the gap between you and her."
"You keep questioning how I am as a father. But everything I do...Lo faccio per tutti e tre.!" Mas lalo lang tumaas ang boses niya while pointing his finger in my face, na parang sinusumbat lahat ng ginawa niya.
(I did it for the three of you!)
"For us?!" I laughed bitterly, pinunasan ko agad ang luha ko. "Really? Everything for us?"
"Yes! Everything, Zarya! Everything!" He raised his voice even more. "Because I love your mother! I love you as my daughters, and I know what is best for you! I did everything to protect you both, why can't you see it!?"
"Look at her...where is that protection? If my own sister—your own daughter is dead?" I pointed at my sister's urn.
"You don't know anything, Zarya, you don't understand." He said with a sharp tone.
"Is it me who can't understand?? or it was you who never made us understand, hmm?" I stared at him, na parang halos hinahamon ko na.
"You were the one who keeps making difficult for us, Zarya. Both of you and your sister are so distant, I couldn't even reach you. I get it, you never listened to me that is why both of you failed in life"
"You're acting pathetic, Pa. You really know everything, except being a father." I stared back, I couldn't hold on anymore. Tears slowly falling out of frustration.
"I have the right to act this way, because she is my daughter!" Mas naging seryoso pa ang mukha niya, like he was demanding an answer from me.
"Right? You think you have the right now? Nasaan ang karapatang 'yan noong buhay pa siya?! Is she your daughter when she was still alive??" I shook my head, at mas tumaas na rin ang boses ko.
"Don't you raise your voice at me! I am still your father—"
"You know everything, right!? Did you also know that this was all your fault? that your highly name ended your own daughter's life?" I said with eyes full of tears.
"Now it's fault—"
"Yes! Kasalanan mo, pa. Only if you let your ego slide, Isaac and ate could be together freely.
Hindi sana nila kailangan magtago, and she didn't have to fucking meet Isaac secretly.
And do you know that she was pregnant noong naaksidente sila?
." Sumbat ko sa kaniya, I immediately saw the realization in his face.
Pa froze completely, like he couldn't process what he heard. "Pregnant? Why...why didn't she tell me?!"
"Because she knew you wouldn't listen! Alam niyang sa oras na magsalita siya, huhusgahan mo lang siya, she was afraid to taint your fucking name! She was scared of you, Pa...your own daughter is fucking scared of her own father!" I screamed back, every word full of pain and anger.
"Because she never gave me the chance! How am I supposed to understand both of you if you never even dared to talk to me!?"
I stepped closer, no longer holding anything back, voice cracking.
"You never listened, even once pa! Not to her, and definitely not to me!
Pareho kaming natatakot sa'yo. Not as a father, but as a man who looks at his own daughters and only sees mistakes and failures.
She carried that secret alone for months, Pa.
She carried the pain her whole life, she carried that fear, that guilt, all by herself, because she had no one else to turn to.
She just died. She died without ever feeling proud of herself in your eyes.
She died without ever hearing you say you were proud of her, or that you loved her no matter what!
She fucking died with a heavy heart, thinking she was nothing but a disappointment to you!
"
I took a few steps more closer to him, para mas maintindihan niya ang mga sinasabi ko at baka sakaling matauhan siya.
"And you know what's the worst part, Pa?
I feel exactly the same way Pakiramdam ko, I failed too.
No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I always feel like I'm never enough for you.
The only difference is... I am still alive, but I already feel dead inside.
That is exactly what she felt every single fucking day bago siya mawala. "
"Zar, I loved both of you. You know that. Only if I could turn back, and save your sister—"
"it's too late, pa. You can't save someone who had already been drowned.
You can't fix it. All you have left is her ashes and the regret that you didn't even try to understand her while she was still breathing.
" I said without screaming now, wala na akong lakas para pa sumigaw.
Wala ng natirira saakin, kundi puro sakit na lang.
The door opened, and a sharp heavy thick air immediately followed.
Unang pumasok si Eric Valenti, sumunod naman ang ina ni Isaac. Mukhang pagod na pagod ang mga mata nila, pero halatang may halong galit din. Their new expressions were sharp, and hard to understand. May mga bodyguards din na nakasunod sa kanila, parang pinaghandaan ang pagkikitang ito.
They stopped right in front of the table where the two urns were placed.
Mrs. Valenti covered her mouth and started crying softly, her knees shaking habang nakatingin sa urn ng anak niya. Mr. Valenti stood straight, trying to hold back his emotions, kitang-kita ang lungkot sa mukha niya, pero nangingibabaw parin ang galit.
Eric was the first to speak, his voice low, cold, and sharp. "So this is it. Two lives gone, and all we have left are these ashes."
Raymond lifted his head, trying to regain his usual composure, kahit halatang pagod at galit din siya. He met Eric's gaze directly. "You may take your son's urn, and leave."
"Is that all you can say? Just take him and leave? Do you think this is just some simple arrangement, Raymond? My son...is dead. And he died tangled up with your daughter." Eric let out a short, bitter laugh, and stepped closer. His eyes never left Raymond.
"We both lost someone here, Eric. My daughter and your son are both gone. What more do you want from us? Just leave before I do something." Raymond's jaw tightened, and his voice turned firm.
"What more do I want?!" Eric raised his voice, frustration and anger spilling out. "I want to know what kind of family you run! What kind of father are you that your daughter brings this kind of mess upon everyone? You failed to raise her right, and now we all have to pay for it!"
"Don't you dare lecture me about being a father, Eric. Your own son chose to leave everything behind, just to be with her. You are the one who lost control over him, not me to my Yana." Raymond's eyes flashed, at humakbang din siya palapit, ayaw ding magpatalo.
"Lost control?!" Eric scoffed loudly. "Your daughter is a whore, she trapped him, and now she took him to the grave with her!"
Zarya, who had been watching silently, could not hold it in anymore.
She stepped forward, her voice cold and steady, kahit nanginginig pa rin sa emosyon.
"Don't you dare blame my sister for your son's choices.
It was your son who found her. It was your son who kept coming back, he was the one who bothered her, not the other way around. "
Eric shifted his sharp look towards her, and you could see na wala talagang awa sa paningin niya.
"Is that so? Then tell me this...why was she carrying his child? Your sister is nothing but a trap, and he was such a fool to throw away his future, his family, everything just for her!"
"Just like you did? Just like how you abandoned your family for another?
" Raymond's fist slammed lightly on the table, and the sound echoed around the quiet room.
Kitang-kita ang pamumula ng mukha niya dahil sa matinding galit.
Those words hit him hard. Ramdam na ramdam ni Eric ang bigat ng sinabi.
His face twisted in pure anger, at bago pa man may makagawa ng kahit ano, he stepped closer towards Raymond and punched him right in the face.
Raymond stumbled back, tumama ang likod niya sa mesa, at agad na may tumulong dugo sa gilid ng labi niya. Pinunasan niya ito agad gamit ang likod ng kamay niya, and he took a deep breath.
He was about to throw a punch back at Eric nang biglang sumugod ang mga bodyguard to seperate the two.
"Let go of me!" Eric shouted, struggling against his head bodyguards. "It was a mistake that got him killed! And now we are here, cleaning up the mess your daughter started, I don't care what story you want to tell...all I know is that my son is dead, and all because of your daughther!"
Zarya pushed past the guards, pumagitna siya sa kanila, wala siyang pakialam kung madamay man siya sa gulo. Malakas at malinaw ang boses niya, puno ng sakit at galit.
"You don't get to blame everything to my sister, they were both in love. And fathers like both of you don't deserve to be called a father!" Zarya pointed at Eric and Raymond with anger.
Isaac's mother finally spoke up, malalim at pagod ang tono, pilit na pinapakalma ang sitwasyon bago pa ito humantong sa mas malaking away that could worsen the situation.
"Enough! Fighting and shouting will not bring them back. We came here to take Isaac home, not to throw insults at each other."
Raymond took a few deep breaths, trying to calm himself, but his eyes remained fixed on Eric.
"Mark my words, Eric. This is not over. If I find out there is more to this accident than what you are saying...
if I find out anyone is hiding the truth...
I will hold you and your entire family responsible. "
"Threaten me all you want. But know this, my son did nothing wrong. And if there is a secret behind their death, maybe you are the first one we should look at." Eric stood straight, parang hindi siya natatakot sa mga sinasabi ni Raymond.
Eric nodded sharply, signaling his men. One of them carefully lifted Isaac's urn from the table, holding it with both hands.
"Let's go."
As they turned to leave, Eric paused for a second and looked back. His gaze passed over Raymond, then Zarya, and finally rested on Yana's urn. There was no sadness in his eyes, only coldness and suspicion.
When the door closed behind them, the room fell quiet again.
Zarya stood still, looking at her sister's urn. She walked closer to the urn, and whispered softly, kahit walang makakarinig.
"Don't worry, Ate. I won't let them blame you. And I won't stop until I find out who really did this. Pangako 'yan."
_____
My feet felt like lead as I stepped out of the car. My whole body was heavy, drained from all the shouting, anger, and pain since this morning. Ang tahimik ng gabi, but it did nothing to calm the burning feeling in my chest. The street was quiet, but inside my head, everything was loud and chaotic.
When I looked up at the gate, I saw a familiar figure standing there with a big luggage beside her. As I got closer, the streetlight lit up her face...it was Xylla.
I parked the car at lumabas sa pinto para lumapit sa kaniya.
"Xylla? What are you doing here?" My voice came out weak.
"Zar! Kamusta ka? Sabi ko naman sa'yo 'di ba, pupunta ako ng Italy?
Pumunta ako sa bahay niyo, pero you never answered any of my calls.
Tapos ang sabi nila doon, hindi ka raw umuwi dun, at baka nandito ka lang daw sa bahay ng ate mo...
kasi wala na daw si Ate Yana. Hindi ko nga maintindihan, anong 'wala'? "
I was overwhelmed by her, na hindi ko namamalayan na parang nanghihina na ako.
"Okay ka lang ba, Zar? Bakit parang umiiyak ka? Bakit parang pagod na pagod ka? Nakapagpahinga ka ba?" sunod-sunod na tanong niya, at kitang kita sa mukha niya ang pag aalala.
That's when I broke down, tuloy tuloy nang tumulo ang luha ko, I can no longer hold it.
"Anong problema, Zar? Sabihin mo sakin." Lumapit siya saakin ng dahan dahan.
"Xy... she's gone, Xy. Wala na si Ate." I said as my tears slowly flowed out.
"Anong 'wala'? Ano ba? Nasan si Ate Yana?" tanong niya, parang hindi makapaniwala.
"Patay na siya, Xy. Iniwan na niya ako." Halos matumba ako sa kinatatayuan ko nang sinabi ko 'yon.
"Zari... hindi kita maintindihan. Panong patay? Anong nangyari?"
"Please... let's just get inside. Dun na lang tayo mag- usap, Xy." I begged, hindi ko kayang may iba pang makakita saakin dito sa ganitong sitwasyon.
Tumango siya at tinulungan akong pumasok sa bahay. Pagpasok pa lang namin, narinig namin ang malakas na iyak ni Aria. Agad akong kinabahan, sobrang takot at pag-aalala ang naramdaman ko na baka may kung anong nangyari sa kaniya.
"Wait, sino 'yon?" tanong ni Xylla.
Hindi ako nakasagot, agad akong tumakbo papunta sa hagdan at umakyat, habang si Xylla ay sumusunod lang sa akin. Pakiramdam ko, nagmamadali rin siya, pero hinayaan na lang niya akong mauna.
Pagbukas ko ng pinto ng kwarto ni Ate Yana, biglang tumahimik si Aria. Nandoon si Ate Sela, she gave Aria a bottle of milk kaya tumigil ito sa pag iyak.
When she saw me, she just stared at me pero parang umiiwas ng tingin. She didn't say a word, pagkatapos ay bumalik siya sa paglilinis ng mga gamit at frames ni ate sa kwarto. Parang tinatago niya ang mukha niya sa akin. Nakita ko na umiiyak siya habang naglilinis, pero sinusubukan niyang itago.
Lumapit ako sa crib ni Aria na katabi lang ng kama ni Ate, I just stared at her beautiful eyes. Pagtingin ko sa pinto, nandoon si Xylla na nakatayo, she looked really confused.
"Si Ma'am Xylla to, di ba? Anong ginagawa niyo dito?" Ate Sela looked at me, worried.
"Ate, lumabas po muna kayo please. Mag-uusap lang kami." Pakiusap ko kay Ate.
Hindi na rin siya nagtanong, she just put the frames back and lumabas na rin agad ng kwarto.
"Xy... this is Aria." I said, staring at Aria.
Xylla looked confused, pero naglakad parin siya dahan dahan palapit saakin.
"Ang ganda niya, 'no? Sobrang ganda." I said smiling pero hindi parin maitatago ang luha sa mata ko.
"Zar...bakit ka umiiyak? kaninong anak 'to?" Xylla leaned closer.
"Anak siya ni ate Yana, Xy." I said proudly, hindi ko mapigilan na mapangiti habang nakatitig kay Aria.
"Zar, anong anak? may anak si Ate Yana? nasaan ba siya talaga si Ate Yana?" xylla asked again, this time—she seemed annoyed.
"Naaksidente siya kahapon, Xy. She's gone...and iniwan niya na kami ni Aria." I managed to speak habang patuloy lang sa pagdaloy ang luha ko.
Nanlaki ang mga mata ni Xylla, at unti-unting pumasok sa isip niya ang mga sinasabi ko. She didn't even tried to speak, she just stared at me. Parang inaantay niya lang akong magsalita at mailabas lahat.
"Hindi man lang siya nagpaalam... she never even dared," I sobbed, my face buried in my hands, shoulders shaking uncontrollably.
"Alam mo ba kung gano kasakit 'yon, Xylla?
Sobrang sakit. Hindi ko na alam kung ano gagawin ko.
Kakayanin ko ba 'to? Pakiramdam ko sobrang bigat na ng lahat, parang hinihila ako pababa at wala akong mahawakan. "
"Nandyan naman si Papa mo, nandyan si Mommy mo. I am here, Zar. Hindi ka namin papabayaan, at si Aria." Xylla rubbed my back gently, sinusubukan pagaanin ang pakiramdam ko.
I shook my head wildly, panic suddenly rising up my throat. "No... hindi nila alam, at hindi nila pwedeng malaman."
"Zarya, hindi mo pwedeng akuin 'to mag-isa. Hindi ito madali," she said, pulling back just enough to look me in the eyes, her face full of worry.
"Exactly! Hindi ito madali... pero kailangan. Kailangan ko akuin, kailangan ko itago lahat. Wala na akong ibang pagpipilian, 'di ba? I have no escape, xy."
"Zar... hanggang ngayon ba naman? Hanggang ngayon ba naman lahat na lang gusto mong ayusin mag-isa?
Zarya, if you need help, humingi ka ng tulong.
Wag mong hayaan na mag-isa ka lang... kasi may mga tao sa paligid mo, may mga taong handang tumulong sa'yo.
All you need to do is let them help you.
" Her expression turned more serious, but still full of care.
But I couldn't listen anymore. The truth was burning inside me, and I had to let it out kahit parang hindi ko kaya.
"Si Isaac... si Isaac ang ama ni Aria." I cut her off, my voice cracking so badly na halos hindi na marinig kung ako pa ba 'yon.
Xylla froze completely. Her eyes went wide, her lips parted in shock and confusion. "Ha? Isaac? Sino si Isaac?"
"Si Isaac ay kapatid ni Iris. And our fathers are not okay with this.And now... now there's a deeper connection between both our families, and it's all because of this little girl lying here." I stared at her, tapos dahan-dahan kong ibinaling ang paningin ko sa kay Aria.
"May kapatid si Iris?..." Xylla blinked, trying to process everything, her face pale with disbelief.
"Kahit ako, hindi ko nga alam paano nangyari sa kanila.
Sa sobrang laki ng mundo, sa dami ng lugar na pwedeng puntahan, sa dami ng taong pwedeng makilala, nagawa pa nilang pagtagpuin ang isa't isa.
Sometimes I can't help but wonder... ano bang ginawa kong mali?
What did I do to deserve this?
Bakit parang kahit anong gawin ko, parang kulang parin?
Am I really that useless? Am I really that weak?
Bakit kailangan mawala si Ate? Bakit kailangan iwan niya sa akin ang ganitong bigat?
It feels like the whole world is againts na maging masaya ako.
Sobrang sakit, Xylla... sobrang sakit na parang unti-unti akong namamatay habang buhay pa. "
I reached out slowly, nanginginig ang mga kamay ko na parang mahirap igalaw, until l touched Aria's tiny little hands.
She moved, pero nanatiling tulog.
"She has no idea that she already lost her parents.
She never even had a chance to meet her dad, or makasama man lang ng matagal ang mommy niya.
Paano kapag lumaki siya, she would ask me why I couldn't protect her mother?
Ano na lang sasabihin ko sa kaniya, Xy?"
Xylla held my shoulders gently, her voice soft but firm, like she was trying to pull me back from falling apart completely.
"Zar... hindi ko alam paano sasabihin sa'yo 'to, pero sirang-sira ka na ngayon. You're fucked up. Hayaan mo na lang muna na dito ako, tutulungan muna kita dito."
I shook my head fast, pinunasan ko nang mariin ang pisngi ko gamit ang likod ng kamay ko, kahit tuloy-tuloy pa rin ang pagtulo ng luha ko. "Hindi... kaya ko 'to. I promised Ate I would take care of Aria, at hindi ko siya bibiguin. Kahit anong mangyari, ako ang bahala sa kanya."
"Pero Zar, paano mo maaalagaan si Aria kung hindi mo nga maalagaan ang sarili mo?" she asked, looking straight into my eyes, and that question hit me harder than any shout could.
"Eh ano ang gusto mong gawin ko, Xy?! Sabihin mo sa akin, ano pa ang pwede kong gawin?" I raised my voice out of frustration.
"Gawin mo lang kung ano ang kailangan mong gawin," she said calmly, but with so much certainty. "Focus on yourself, diba 'yon naman ang kailangan mo ngayon? Ayusin mo muna ang sarili mo, o kahit bigyan mo lang muna ng oras para kumalma ang lahat sa isip mo."
"Hindi mo ako naiintindihan, Xy," I whispered, my voice cracking. "Aria needs me. Paano ko siya iiwan? Uunahin ko pa ba ang sarili ko kaysa sa kaniya?"
"Ako ang mag-aalaga kay Aria," she said without hesitation, squeezing my hand tight. "Besides, ang sabi mo bawal siyang makita ng ibang tao dito, 'di ba? Ipagkatiwala mo siya sa akin, Zar. Alam kong mahirap, pero pwede kaya natin ayusin 'to...tutulongan kita."
"...Hindi," I said, my voice trembling. "Hindi mo siya pwedeng dalhin sa Pilipinas, Xy. Mas delikado doon"
"Hindi," she answered quickly, shaking her head. "Doon kami sa condo mo. So you could just visit us anytime you want. Mas maayos doon, kaysa dito — baka makita pa siya dito ng Papa mo o ni Mommy mo, at magkaroon ng gulo agad."
I stared at her, my mind spinning between fear, doubt, and exhaustion. My lips parted, but only her name came out, soft and unsure. "Xy..."
"Just trust me, Zar. Please?"