Chasing Dreams, Losing Her.

Chapter 51 Silently Hiding

Xylla's Point Of View

2 weeks later....

It has been two weeks since Aria came to stay with me.

The first week was okay. Everyday, Zarya would come to the condo just to see the baby.

Kahit pagod siya, kahit mukhang kulang sa tulog, hindi niya pinalampas ang araw na hindi siya pumupunta dito.

Pero this week... iba na. Isang beses lang siyang nakapunta, and it's already been four days since the last time I saw her.

Exactly after her sister's burial, everything just changed. Hindi na siya nagpakita dito ulit.

After her sister's burial, everyone went back to their own lives. Umuwi ulit ng Pinas ang parents nila, thinking maybe it's better to give themselves some space.

But Zarya... she stayed, yet she became more distant. Busy siya sa hindi ko naman alam kung ano. Kahit nandito siya sa condo noong mga nakaraang araw, parang laging may inaasikaso. Laging on call, laging seryoso ang mukha, and you can see how heavy everything feels on her shoulders.

I tried to understand. Siguro, nasa proseso pa lang siya ng pagtanggap sa lahat ng nangyari. Marami siyang iniisip, marami siyang tinatago, and I know she's not the type to open up easily. But four days without any message or visit? That's too much even for her.

I tried calling her kanina, thinking maybe we can hang out for a while kahit saglit lang, para naman gumaan kahit kaunti ang isip niya. But my calls just went unanswered. No reply, no text, nothing.

Kaya mas lalo akong nag aalala para sa kaniya e.

I looked around the living room, then turned my gaze to the crib where Aria was lying. She was just staring up at the ceiling, her tiny hands moving around in the air.

"Hmm... puntahan ko na lang kaya siya?" I said softly, talking to her like she could actually understand. "Ano sa tingin mo, Ari? Tara, samahan mo ako?"

As if on cue, the little baby turned her head toward me and gave me the sweetest, toothless smile. Her eyes sparkled, and for a moment, it felt like she was really agreeing...na parang nagkakaintindihan lang talaga kami.

I couldn't help but smile back, my heart feeling both warm and heavy at the same time as I looked at that tiny life in front of me.

But I know one thing for sure, Zarya needs us now more than ever. And I'm not going to just wait around until she breaks completely.

There were empty bottles of alcohol scattered on the floor, and the whole room itself was messy and unarranged.

Hindi naman na nalinis ang kwarto simula noong pinauwi niya si Ate Sela pabalik sa bahay nila sa city.

Si Zarya lang ang naiwan mag-isa sa bahay ng Ate niya, and that loneliness only made her mental health worse each day.

Everyone thought Zarya was just keeping her distance, or that she was too busy handling matters on her own. But none of them knew the real truth kung bakit masyadong naging abala at tahimik these past few days.

She still hasn't found out who really brought death to her sister and Isaac, at kung sino ang dapat managot sa lahat ng ito.

And that thought consumed her more and more each passing hour.

Not being able to give justice to her sister, losing her father's trust and respect, and feeling like she failed to take care of Aria...

all of these hit her at once, so hard that she just trapped herself inside this room.

She wanted to be strong, she tried to hold it all in, but the pain was too heavy. Every time she closed her eyes, all she can see is problems. She felt like she was drowning in everything, and there was no one to pull her out.

She was still sitting on the cold floor, surrounded by so much silence and mess all around her, hanggang sa tuluyan na siyang bumigay at gumuho ang lahat sa kanya.

Her voice was already rough dahil sa ilang araw na siyang halos hindi nagsasalita, and she screamed out loud like someone begging for their very last breath.

"God...oh God help me.." Mahinang pag mamakaawa niya. " 'wag mo naman hayaan na ganito ako..."nanginginig ang buong katawan habang nakahawak ang kamay sa dibdib niya.

But the silence around her felt like an answer that never came, at lalo lang nitong pinalala ang sakit at bigat na nararamdaman niya sa loob.

Yung mahihinang pagmamakaawa niya turned into loud and desperate shouts. Tuloy-tuloy lang ang pag-agos ng luha sa mukha niya, hanggang sa lumabo na ang paningin niya sa lahat ng bagay sa paligid.

"Putang ina! Ano bang nagawa ko? may mali ba akong nagawa?" She cried out, hitting the floor lightly with her fist. "What did I do to deserve this? Sabihin mo sa akin! Totoo ka ba talaga??"

Her voice cracked again, trembling and weak, habang itinaas niya ang ulo para tumingin sa kisame, parang nakatingin siya nang diretso sa langit mismo.

Her throat felt so sore and dry, at namamaga at namumula na ang mga mata niya sa kakaiyak, pero hindi niya mapigilan ang mga salitang lumalabas sa bibig niya.

"Kung totoo ka talaga... bakit hindi mo ako matulungan? Bakit kailangan mo akong hayaang dumaan sa ganito kahirap? Bakit kailangang kunin mo isa isa ang lahat ng meron ako?!" Sigaw niya na nakatingin sa kisame habang tumutulo ang luha.

she started to question everything, pati na rin yung paniniwalang matibay na hawak niya noon. Kasi pakiramdam niya, walang nakikinig sa kanya, at walang darating para iligtas siya sa sitwasyon niya.

Her voice grew louder and even more broken, every word mixing so much anger, confusion, and endless tears.

"Bakit mo ako hinahayaan sa ganitong sitwasyon? Pinilit ko naman na maging mabuting anak... Putang ina... naging mabuting tao naman ako! Inuna ko ang lahat bago ang sarili ko, pero bakit parang ako pa rin ang nauubos? I fucking sacrificed everything para lang mawala din lahat??"

She sobbed harder, wiping her face roughly with the back of her hand, pero mas lalo lang dumaloy ang mga luha. "Why does this keep on happening to me? Bakit?....Fuck!Bakit?!"

Sobrang hirap na siya magsalita, but she didn't stop. Dahan dahan niyang itinulak ang sarili niya away from the bed, inayos niya ang pag-upo hanggang sa makatayo nang maayos.

Then, with legs that were shaking so much, lumuhod siya...lumuhod nang habang umiiyak. Nakatingin siya sa taas na parang kinakausap ang langit mula sa kwarto.

"Gusto mo ba ng ganito?!" She screamed, her hands clenched into tight fists on her sides. "Gusto mo ba na magmamakaawa ako? Fine! magmamakaawa ako..."

She bowed her head so low, sobrang gulo na ng buhok niya na halos matakpan na ang mukha. Nanginginig na ang mga kamay niya, at bumibilis na ang paghinga na parang hinihika na sa iyak.

I fuckinh beg You...I beg you!" Paulit ulit niyang sinabi na parang wala na siyang alam na iba pang sabihin.

"Please... please... tama na...'wag mo na akong bigyan ng ganito kabigat. Hindi ko na kaya 'to, maawa ka na..." sobrang hina na ng boses niya, halos wala na siyang mailabas.

"Forgive me for doubting you... but how can I believe you kung lahat naman na parang hindi kapani paniwala? I beg You... kahit ngayon lang, pakinggan mo naman ako. Huwag mo akong hayaang mawasak nang tuluyan."

While Zarya was still on her knees, so broken and crying nonstop, questioning everything around her, biglang bumukas ang pinto ng kwarto, someone barged right inside, and it was Xylla.

She is holding little Aria gently but securely in her arms, like she was in a hurry to get there.

Nang makita niya ang itsura ng kwarto, at lalo na ang kalagayan ni Zarya, nanlaki ang mga mata niya sa gulat at sobrang pag-aalala.

Her heart dropped the moment she saw her best friend kneeling on the cold floor, surrounded by mess, looking so broken and lifeless.

"Zar?! Anong nangyari sa'yo?!" Xylla asked, her voice shaking with worry.

Without wasting any time, she quickly walked toward the bed, carefully placed Aria there, and tucked the baby in gently, making sure she was safe and comfortable first. Pagkasigurado niyang maayos ang bata, agad siyang lumapit kay Zarya at niyakap ito nang mahigpit mula sa likod.

Feeling the warmth of another person, Zarya immediately grabbed Xylla's arms and held onto them like they were the only thing keeping her from falling apart completely. She leaned back against Xylla habang patuloy pa rin sa pag-iyak.

"Xy... hindi ko na talaga kaya..."she whispered between heavy cries, her voice broken and weak.

"I know... I know, Zar. Nandito ako, okay?

Aria is here too. Nandito lang kami." Xylla rested her chin on Zarya's shoulder, at unti-unti nang namumuo ang luha sa mga mata ni Zarya habang nagsasalita siya nang mahina.

But Zarya shook her head, parang hindi ito sumasang-ayon sa sinabi ni Xylla.

"Nandiyan kayong lahat... but where am I?

Nasaan na ba ako, Xy? Kasi putangina, Xy...

I am so lost. I don't know who I am anymore, or what I am doing. "

Hearing those words, Xylla couldn't hold back anymore. Her own tears started to fall down her cheeks. She tried her best to stay strong and not cry, but seeing Zarya like this, so empty and hurting...parang hirap na hirap siyang itago ang luha niya.

"Calm down, Zar. Kumalma ka muna... please, huminga ka nang malalim,"she pleaded, habang pinupunasan ang luha na pumapatak mismo sa mata niya.

Zarya slowly tried to compose herself, kahit halos kapos na siya sa hininga at basang basa na ng luha ang mukha niya. She turned around to face Xylla, her eyes red and swollen.

"Xy... paano kung pinigilan ko na lang si Ate na umalis noong araw na 'yon?

Baka... baka ngayon, buhay pa rin siya at kasama pa natin.

What if hindi ko siya pinigilan na dalhin si Aria?

Or paano kung... kung sinuportahan ko na lang siya nang tuluyan?

Maybe I could have done something para magkita sila nang ligtas...

Xy, hindi ko mapigilan isipin na baka may nagawa pa ako. "

"Zarya, stop that," Xylla cut her off gently but firmly. "Wala kang kasalanan. May dahilan kung bakit nangyayari ang lahat ng ito, okay? It has its own purpose...we just don't see it yet."

"Purpose? Xylla, anong purpose?! Was my sister supposed to die for a purpose?

Did Iris leave me for a purpose? Did I have to fail my own father just to serve some purpose?

May rason ba talaga ang lahat ng 'to, Xy?

?" Zarya let out a bitter, painful laugh, at lalo pa tuloy dumaloy ang mga luha niya nang walang tigil.

"Zar..."Xylla called out, sobrang lungkot ng tono ni Xylla, na parang nararamdaman din niya ang sakit na nararamdaman ni Zarya.

"Fuck those purposes!" Zarya shouted, her voice cracking again. "Kasi sana nga... sana nga may malinaw na dahilan ang lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman ko. Para naman may paliwanag kung bakit nangyayari sa akin ang lahat ng 'to, Xy. Hindi 'yung nandito lang ako... puno ng mga tanong na walang sagot."

Xylla shook her head slowly, nasasaktan din para kay Zarya.

"Zar, alam kong sobrang hirap. I know you are hurting so bad, and I know na halos mabaliw ka na kakaisip ng solusyon sa lahat ng problema mo.

But Zarya, wala na tayong magagawa para baguhin ang nakaraan.

Ang pwede lang nating gawin ngayon is to move forward. "

"Move forward? Madaling sabihin 'yan, Xy." Zarya said, at umiwas ng tingin kay Xylla. "Hindi kasi ikaw ang nawalan ng kapatid. Hindi ikaw ang namatayan. Hindi ikaw ang iniwan. At higit sa lahat, hindi ikaw ang may mabigat na responsibilidad na kailangang pasanin mag-isa ngayon."

"I understand, Zar... I know how much it hurts," Xylla said, reaching out to hold her hands. "And if I were in your situation—"

Zarya pulled her hands away gently but firmly, at halatang punong-puno ng matinding lungkot ang mga mata niya.

"If you were in my situation, you would probably break down and die out of pain.

I am really grateful na nandiyan ka para sa akin at kay Aria, don't get me wrong.

And I am sorry if I sound so harsh or if I act this way.

But please... don't put yourself in my shoes.

Kasi kahit kailan, walang makakaintindi ng bigat at sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon, Xy.

Kasi kahit ako hindi ko na din alam paano ko pa nakakaya 'to ngayon. "

Agad naman siyang niyakap ni Xylla ng mas mahigpit, at mas umiyak na rin ito. "I'm sorry, Zar. I didn't mean to say it that way, gusto ko lang naman sanang pagaanin ang isip mo."

Zarya was already on the floor, nanginginig ang buong katawan, halos mawalan na ng sarili sa sobrang sakit at gulo ng isip. Para siyang unti-unting nababaliw. The pain was so intense, it felt like it was tearing her apart from the inside, and she could barely tell what was real anymore.

"Xy... hindi ko na kaya. Putang ina, ang bigat-bigat na."

Zarya grabbed her own hair nang mahigpit, at umiiling lang dahil sa sobrang gulo ng sitwasyon niya.

"Gusto kong lumayo. Gusto kong mawala sa lahat ng sakit na 'to." sigaw niya ulit. "Pero hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupunta, kasi kahit saan man ako magtago, kahit saan ako makarating... hindi ko naman matatakbuhan ang mga problema ko eh."

Tumingala siya, pulang-pula ang mga mata at namamaga na ito, and speaks with deep desperatio. "Pero gusto ko munang magtago... gusto ko munang mawala kahit sandali lang. Kapag pinilit ko pa ang sarili ko dito, sa tingin ko ay tuloyan lang akong mawawasak."

Hinawakan naman ni Xylla ang mga kamay niya para hindi na nito saktan ang sarili. Ramdam niya ang panginginig ni Zarya, at kahit masakit pakinggan, alam niyang kailangan niyang iparamdam kay Zarya na ligtas pa rin siya.

"Zar, makinig ka sa akin," malumanay pero mariing sabi ni Xylla habang pinupunasan ang luha sa pisngi nito. "Pumunta ka sa kung saan mo gustong pumunta. Ako na ang bahala kay Aria. Hindi ko siya pababayaan, I swear to you. She will be safe, and loved while you take your time to heal."

Hinawakan niya nang mahigpit ang magkabilang balikat ni Zarya at tumingin nang diretso sa mga mata nito. "But all I ask you is bumalik ka. Bumalik ka nang ligtas at buo. Give yourself some space para makabangon ulit kapag kaya mo na. I will wait for you, aantayin ka namin ni Aria."

Tumingin pabalik si Zarya sa kanya, and you can see the pain and doubts sa mga mata nito.

"Paano kung... paano kung hindi ako makabalik nang maayos?

" Mahinang sabi ni Zarya, parang takot na marinig ang sariling tanong.

"Paano kung kahit saan ako pumunta, dala ko pa rin ang sakit na ito?

Paano kung hindi ko na magampanan ang responsibilidad ko kay Aria?

Natatakot ako, Xylla... sobrang takot ako na baka tuluyan na akong mawala at hindi na makabalik. "

"Zarya, listen to me." sagot ni Xylla. "All you need is a place for you to heal, at magtiwala ka lang sa sarili mo."

Nanatiling tahimik si Zarya, hinihingal pa rin at patuloy lang sa pag iyak.

Tumingin siya sa paligid, sa magulong kwarto, sa mga gamit ng kapatid niya, at kay Aria na tahimik na natutulog.

Dahan-dahan siyang tumango, like the decision she's been hesitating to do has been answered.

_____

When I step out of my room, the place feels quiet but safe. Two months na ako dito, and I still don't know if I'm doing the right thing...but at least here, things are slower.

Si Xylla lang ang nakakaalam kung nasaan ako, kahit sila mommy at papa walang alam. And I don't think they even tried, kasi kahit isang beses hindi nila ako kinamusta.

At first, sobrang hirap. Walang araw na hindi ko iniisip si Aria, gusto ko siyang puntahan. But I know I had to stop myself from doing so, dahil para rin naman saamin 'to. I can't really be her mother if hindi ko maayos ang sarili ko.

My first few weeks dito, parang hindi worth it. Gustong gusto kong umuwi, nakakadrain sa sobrang peaceful ng lugar.

As I walk, people pass by. They smile and speak in a gentle way.

"Buongiorno, Zarya" sabi ng isang babae while smiling.

(Good morning, Zarya)

"Buongiorno." I answer back softly.

(Good morning)

"Buongiorno, Zarya. Ha dormito bene?" tanong ng isang lalaki from the side.

(Good morning, Zarya. Did you sleep well?)

"Sì, va bene. Grazie." Sagot ko habang naglalakad.

(Yes, I did. Thank you.)

More people greet me as I walk, and I greet them back. Dito, no one asks too many hard questions. They just treat you normally, they just give you the time to refresh your mind. They just serve you, pero walang halong pakikialam.

I push open the glass door at the end and went outside.

The garden is simple but nice. Maraming puno with thick green leaves, and there are flowers along the sides. The grass is short and neat, and may mga stone paths din. May mga tables and chairs made of wood, and the wind feels cool on my skin. I can hear birds chirping softly in the branches.

I walk to the table kung saan naka ready na ang mga gamit ko. Canvas, brushes, water in a jar, and different tubes of paint. I sit down and started painting.

I am not painting the garden in front of me. Instead, I draw two women standing side by side. Their faces are not clear, no detailed features. In the middle of them, there is a small figure of a baby wrapped in soft colors. Just shapes that look like people. But I know who they are

I paint their clothes with simple shades, nothing too bright or dark.

Behind them, the colors are a little dim, like the heavy past we left behind.

But in front of them, there is a soft light coming from far away.

No sharp lines, no strong colors, just showing that we are there, even if you can't see every detail clearly.

As I paint, parang I am putting my feelings into the canvas. Even if everything feels confusing right now, even if the path ahead is blurry, nandiyan pa rin ako. And right in the middle, there is this life need to be protected.

I move my brush slowly. Minsan humihinto ako, tinitignan ko yung ginagawa ko, tapos magpapatuloy ulit.

It feels good to let these feelings out through colors, instead of keeping them all trapped inside my head.

Two months na akong nandito, and honestly, I don't know anymore...

hindi ko alam if I am really healing, or baka nagtatago lang ako sa lahat ng naghihintay sa akin sa labas.

This is the only place I know where I can stay and try to fix myself, even if I don't know yet if it will be enough.

I was just about to stroke it across the canvas when I hear someone call my name from behind.

"Zarya?" A man called me from behind.

I turn around. It's one of the staff, smiling gently. "Sì?" I asked.

"Signora Zarya, ha una chiamata. Vuole rispondere?" He asked politely.

(Ma'am Zarya, you have a call. Would you like to take it?)

My heart skips a little. No one usually calls here except Xylla, pero minsan lang din naman tumawag si Xylla.

I put down my brush carefully, wipe my hands, and follow her inside to the small office where the phone is.

"Pronto, buongiorno?" I asked

(Hello, good morning?)

"Zarya?" The woman spoke on the other end, nakilala ko agad ang boses niya.

It's Xylla. Her voice sounds steady, but there's something different in it. Parang may gusto siyang sabihin pero nag aalinlangan.

"Xylla? kamusta kayo diyan? Okay lang ba si Aria?" I ask right away, natakot ako sa tono ng pagbati niya kanina.

"Aria is fine, don't worry. Okay kami dito." she says softly. "But... there's something I need to tell you."

I hold the phone tighter. "What is it? may nangyari ba?"

There was a short pause on the other end, and when she spoke again, her voice was clear but sobrang bigat.

"Someone is looking for you, Zarya."

.