Chasing Dreams, Losing Her.

Chapter 57 Selfless Zarya

IMPORTANT NOTE:

Iris's Point Of View

"Hindi ko naiintindihan kung ano man talaga ang meron sa inyong dalawa," he said gently. "Pero ang sigurado lang ako... sobrang importante ka kay Zarya, Iris. Ramdam na ramdam ko yung pagmamahal niya sa'yo."

He paused, looking down for a moment before continuing. "Sinubukan ko nga dati, nung una pa lang, sinubukan kong bawiin na lang yung usapan namin. Sabi ko baka masyado na 'to, baka mahirapan siya. Pero ayaw talaga niyang tumigil. Gusto niyang ituloy hanggang makatapos kayo ni Xylla."

I frowned, leaning forward. "Bakit po? Bakit niyo naisipan na itigil na lang noon?"

"Kasi nalaman ko," he answered quietly, "na wala pala siyang ibang nakukuha sa papa niya.

Yung binibigay lang sa kanya ay sapat na allowance lang para sa sarili niya dun.

Hindi ko nga alam kung saan siya kumukuha ng pera para ipadala dito, pang tuition mo, allowance mo, pati na rin pang aaral ni Xylla.

Kahit bayad niya na lahat sa tuition ni Xy, nagpapadala pa rin siya paminsan-minsan ng allowwnce.

Nagtataka talaga ako dun sa batang yan. Parang imposible naman kasi, alam ko may konti siyang ipon dati, pero paano naman kakayanin niyang paaaralin kayong dalawa, tapos nag-aaral pa siya nang maayos sa Italy? "

"Wait... so paano po nagkaroon siya ng ganung kalaking pera? Kung limitado lang pala yung binibigay sa kanya ng papa niya?" My heart skipped a beat.

Kuya Allan shook his head slowly. "Ayun nga... hindi ko rin alam. Pero kung ano man yung ginawa niya, kung ano man yung pinagkukunan niya... sigurado ako na malinis naman yun. Mabuting bata si Zarya. Hindi siya gagawa ng masama para lang makatulong."

I sat back, staring at my hands, my mind spinning so fast I could barely think. Paano? How? I kept asking myself over and over.

If her dad really limited her money... if she barely had enough for herself... then where did all of this come from? How did she manage to send everything? Paano niya nakaya 'yon ng ilang taon?

There was so much I didn't know, so much she hid... and now I realized, whatever she did to get that money, whatever she went through... she did it all for me.

I walked slowly to the living room, dragging my feet like something was pulling me back. Everything was still in place, the same sofa, the same small table, the same curtains. But it was empty. Walang tao. Tears started rolling down my face before I even knew it.

I wiped my eyes and went to the guest room next. I opened it slowly, until I finally took a glance inside. It was empty too. Neat, no things left out, walang sign na may natulog dito.

I just turned my back, at dahan dahan naglakad to Zarya's room upstairs. Every step I took is like a pinch in my heart. When I finally got there, I opened her door.

And as expected.

She wasn't there. It is still the same. I already knew she isn't here, pero hindi ko din alam why did I even come??

I just stared at her room, the room we once shared. And I couldn't help but to try, remembering everything we shared here.

Hindi ko na kaya, I slowly took a few steps back and wiped my tears. I walked out of the room, feeling nothing.

Wala talaga siya dito...

Then I stopped in front of Zarya's office door. Normally, hindi ako pumapasok dito, masyado private, she doesn't like it kapag pinapakealaman ang gamit niya.

But something pulled me forward. It's like someone is telling me to check inside.

My hands were shaking so bad as I turned the knob. I gently pushed the door open, and what I saw made me even more miserable.

It was empty. Just like the rest of the house.

I didn't leave right away. I walked around slowly, looking at the walls. There were all her trophies, certificates, commemorative plaques, and awards.

She became such a successful woman...but I failed her. We missed so much of each other's lives. Andami ko nang nalalaman, and it just shows how much I missed.

My knees gave out and I dropped down on her chair. That's when I really broke down.

I stared at her frame on top of her table. I looked at it like she was just in front of me.

"bakit kasi you didn't tell me?" I sobbed out loud, voice cracking.

Why didn't you just tell me, Zarya? Kung alam ko lang...if I only knew, I wouldn't have pushed you away. I would never have treated you like that. Ang tanga-tanga ko. I pushed her away from the life she gave me. Everything I have, everything I am...I owe everything to you.

And in return, I acted like you didn't matter. Fuck!, paano naging ganun ako ka bulag?

I cried harder, burying my face in my hands. I stayed there for a long time, just letting it all out.

Then I saw it. Right at the edge of her desk, one drawer was slightly open, just a little bit. I stared at it for a second. Parang may nagsasabi sa akin na tignan ko kung anong nasa loob.

I stood up slowly and walked over. I slowly pulled the drawer open wider. There was just a plain black box inside.

At first I thought I shouldn't touch it, sa kaniya naman 'yon e.

But as I was about to close the drawer again...I saw something.

A tiny, simple stitched patch on the corner of the box. Hindi lang basta design 'yon....

It says "iris" on it.

Pangalan ko 'yon ah?

I pulled the box out carefully and carefully opened the lid.

My heart stopped.

Inside were piles and piles of photos...all of me. Not just some normal photos, pictures ko lahat noong college palang ako. It was all stolen shots, even shots of me walking home alone. I never even know I had these pictures. These were stolen moments I never got to see.

Right under the photos were stacks and stacks of plain white letters, piled neatly one on top of the other like they'd been waiting there for years. I reached out slowly, my hands shaking so bad I almost dropped the whole stack kasi nanginginig talaga ako.

And below the letters was this thick pile of papers...receipts, bank slips, payment confirmations, all kept carefully. Some were a little crumpled, some folded perfectly. Kumuha ako ng isa, and I took a look at it.

It was a bank transfer receipt, the amount was huge. Under Receiver's Name, it clearly said Allan Marquez. And above it is the Sender's name.

Zarya Eir De Luca....

I grabbed another one. Same sender, same receiver. Every slip, every transfer, every receipt said the same thing....galing kay Zarya lahat, all for me.

I flipped through them one by one, almost blur na ang vision ko dahil sa mga luha. Everything I ever needed, everything I never had to worry about, lahat pala binayaran niya. Every single peso, every date, every little thing.

I held them tight against my chest, my heart pounding so hard it hurt. All this time I thought some nice stranger was helping me. I thought I was just lucky.

But it was never luck. It was her. Siya talaga. She gave me all of this, from so far away, and never even told me.

I sat there holding all of it, crying so hard I could barely breathe. All this time. All this time she was here, kahit malayo siya. Hindi niya ako kinalimutan.

I kept flipping through the neat stack of envelopes, my fingers brushing over the same handwriting again and again....until one stood out right away.

Unlike all the others that were tightly sealed, itong letter ay bukas na, the stamp were loose. The edges were a little creased, like someone had held it.

I pulled out that unsealed letter and unfolded it carefully. At the top, date was written clearly.

I didn't even feel the tears coming at first. Kusa nalang silang tumulo, and I only noticed it when it dropped on to other papers. I couldn't stop reading it over and over again.

That was my birthday....

That was my birthday, and I spent the whole day wondering why she didn't even send a single message. Akala ko nakalimutan niya, I thought she didn't care anymore. But she was here, writing this, pouring everything out...and she never even dared to send it.

My hands shook as I pressed the letter close to my chest, lalo lang bumigat ang pakiramdam ko.

Ti amo....

I knew what that meant. All this time, all the distance, all the silence... she was never choosing anything else over me. She was just waiting. Just like I was.

I reached out to grab another letter, pero may nakapa ako underneath the papers.

I moved the papers aside gently, and there it was...small, worn notebook, the kind you can fit in your pocket. It looked like she'd carried it everywhere, the corners a little bent and soft from being held so many times.

I picked it up slowly, my hands still shaking. This wasn't like the formal school books or work files I'd seen on her shelves. It felt... personal. Like something only meant for her eyes.

I flipped the cover open. The very first page was blank except for one line written right in the middle.

"Everything I wish I could tell"

My chest tightened so much I could barely breathe. All this time... she had so many things she wanted to say, but never got to.

I turned to the next page.

I gently wiped my tears, and slowly turn the page again.

My hands trembled as I held the page. So dito na siguro 'yon, this is the responsibility she took on, all the way back then.

she made my future her own duty. I never realized before... all those years of studying, all those years I got to keep going, siya pala ang nasa likod ng lahat ng 'yon.

My hands trembled as I held the other page.

I pressed a hand over my mouth para pigilan ang sarili ko sa pag-iyak, but it was no good.

She was miserable this whole time? And I thought she was living some perfect, easy life there. I thought she forgot all about us. She was hurting just as much as I was.

I really wanted to stop myself from crying, pero mas gusto kong basahin lahat. In order to feel her pain, and understand her completely. I turned more pages, my vision getting blurry.

I read those words and my heart felt like it was tearing apart. Kailangan pa niya mag take ng melatonin just to fall asleep, and the only real rest she got was in a dream where we were together, only to wake up all alone again.

I always thought I was the only one lying awake at night, but she was hurting exactly the same, pero kahit ganon, the last thing she worried about was whether I was sleeping okay.

I kept turning page after page, and every single one was the same...all about her missing me, paano niya ako naiisip in almost everything she did.

It felt like I was reading her most private thoughts, things she never got to say out loud. But as I kept going, I started getting confused.

She kept talking so much about work, gaano siya kapagod, how much time it took, and how it drains her.

I thought she was just focusing on her studies and her family's business doon?. Why would her job be this hard??

Wait... what kind of job is this? This doesn't sound like some office work or internship at her dad's company. Bakit nag s-serve ng customer? Why is she standing all day, dealing with rude people?

Kaya pala....That's why she suddenly knew how to make things, at bakit ayaw niyang sabihin saakin where she learned it.

Hindi naman siya dati marunong magluto ng hotdog without burning it. Then when we stayed at her private beach house, she suddenly knows how to make drinks? nagluto pa nga siya ng food namin.

I asked her about it but she never answered properly.

I wiped my tears away as I flip the next page.

She worked until her body ached, she dealt with people who treated her badly, she learned all these things just so she could keep supporting me. I had no idea. I never even imagined she was going through this. She gave up everything, even her own comfort, just so I could have what I needed.

I couldn't take it, I closed the notebook slowly, my hands shaking. Tears rolled down my face faster than I could wipe them away. She never told me any of this because she didn't want me to worry. She carried all of this alone, all for me.

So this is it. This is the full truth na hindi ko alam.

Zarya didn't just use her name, or her family's money, or whatever privilege she had as a De Luca.

She didn't just sit back and send help kasi madali lang naman sa kanya.

No, she worked for every single peso, every single payment, every single thing she gave me.

Hindi niya lang basta inako, pinaghirapan niya talaga nang sobra.

I still remember so clearly how she was before. She never even had to lift a finger at their home. Hindi nga marunong maghugas ng plato, fold clothes, or even boil water without panicking.

She stood for hours serving rude customers, dealt with sore feet and sleepless nights, did all the hard, tiring work na hindi naman siya sanay.

She could have asked her dad. She could have just used their name.

But she didn't. She chose to do it herself.

Gusto niyang siya talaga ang gumawa para sa akin.

She carried all that burden alone, never telling me how heavy it was, never letting me see how much she was hurting. She gave up her comfort, her easy life, even her pride, all so I could keep studying, all so I wouldn't have to worry about anything.

Akala ko okay lang siya dun, akala ko nag-aaral lang siya nang maayos. But she was breaking herself apart little by little...for me. Grabe yung pagmamahal niya... tapos ako, ang dami kong inisip na mali tungkol sa kanya. And I never even got to say thank you. I never even knew.

Everything finally made sense now. Zarya didn't just send money or keep a promise, she sacrificed everything she had, para lang makapag patuloy ako.

She did so much, more than I will ever be able to repay, more than I even knew existed. And the very least I can do now... is to find her.

I don't have an address. I don't know which city she's in, or baka nga nagpalit na siya ng pangalan. All I know is she's in Italy. That's all I have. But that's enough for me.

I'm done waiting for her to come back.

This time, I'll be the one to go to her. Bahala na kung anong mangyari, doesn't matter if mahihirapan ako.

I'll take every risk, even if kailangan I would walk every street, ask every person I meet, I would do everything...just like how she worked everything just to make sure I was okay.

She crossed oceans for me. Now it's my turn.

I would cross the whole world, and build bridged if I had to.

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