18. Ava
Chapter 18
Ava
Emmy’s head rests on my shoulder, her mouth at my neck. I hold my hand against her upper back and the other to keep her legs locked around my waist as she drifts off to sleep.
I stand and dance slowly with her in my arms as everybody talks around us. If anyone is talking to me, I wouldn’t have a clue. This is an important part of my day, saying goodnight to my baby before she goes to sleep.
But it’s the conversation about death that beats me up inside. I push my face into Emmy’s neck as memories flood back.
I’m sitting in a pew, staring forward as Dad clasps one hand, and I feel bereft my mom isn’t holding the other.
She can’t.
It’s her coffin laid on the table near the front altar of the church. My tears silently flow down my cheeks. Stella is loud with her sobs. Dad sits in silence, too stunned for tears. It’s too hard to look at his face; I try to keep my gaze ahead. And afterwards, when relatives squeeze my sister and me, telling us everything will be fine and slapping a hand over my father’s back.
But it never is.
He gets sadder, the pain in his eyes never disappearing. The quiet is the worst; he’s lost his soulmate and doesn’t know how he will survive.
And now it isn’t only hard to talk about my mother because of her death, but because my father is slowly dying inside.
His heart is buried with her.
I watch Emily loop her arm around Gaston’s lower back; they look at each other with an adoring smile. I can’t do anything to destroy that now. She needs nothing but joy in her life.
But the digs at me for not letting Finn into Emmy’s life really hit a deep, grating nerve.
I turn, kissing the side of my daughter’s face. Finn is staring at me, and my heart roars. It’s the same as he always used to look at me, the same heat in his eyes as the day in the elevator.
“Can I take her?” Finn says, holding his arms out. I’m sad that it’s only Emmy he wants in his life. But, at the same time, I’m glad she finally has a father she can call her own. “Just a little cuddle while she’s asleep.”
I smile and stand next to him, holding her body as he gently eases her from me. He holds her in the same way I do. Emmy sleepily opens her eyes. “Mommy,” she whispers.
“It’s okay, sweetpea, I’m here, but Daddy is holding you.”
There’s a brief murmur, and I see as she holds him tighter, then falls back to sleep. I turn away, trying for Finn not to see the tears. It’s too much, the love he has for her, the hate I have for myself and his father for not giving him that chance.
But it’s as though he knows, and his arm wraps around my shoulder, pulling me to him, planting a kiss on the top of my head. “Thank you,” he whispers. “And sorry about my mother bringing up yours.”
I lean into him, putting my head on his shoulder at the same moment his mother turns and looks at us. The smile on her face is the highlight of the night; we can really pull off being a happy family in front of her.
But did she always know?
“I’d like to spend more time with Emmy, if I can. I’m going to stay with Gaston in the London apartment.” Emily turns as she shows me to the bedroom for Emmy to sleep. I follow Finn with an overnight bag. He lays her on the bed.
“Of course,” I say. “I’d love that and she will, too.”
Finn squeezes my shoulder.
“Maybe when you two eventually get married, she can stay with us when you go on...”
“Mom, can we get Emmy used to the family first?” Finn butts in.
“Yes, of course, I’m sorry ... It’s just ...”
“Once she is comfortable, I’ll let her stay. I can see how much Emmy loves you already. I’m sure that day won’t be too far away,” I say.
Finn watches everything I do to get Emmy into bed, making mental notes of what to do when he eventually gets to have her for a sleepover. “Normally she has a bath,” I say, ensuring he’s aware of her normal bedtime procedure.
Finn nods and leans down to kiss Emmy on her forehead.
“Everything okay,” Finn’s mom says as she nudges her head into Finn’s bedroom. “Emmy still asleep.”
I nod as she walks to us. Her hand rubs over Finn’s back, and he leaves the room as though she wills him.
Emily comes over and stands next to me. “You’ve done a good job with her. She is a lovely little girl.”
I laugh. “She thinks she is a big girl. Don’t let her hear you say that. Maybe she is growing up too quickly.”
“She’s fine.” Emily says, as though she can hear the thoughts going through my head. “You’re a good mom.”
Tears spring to my eyes at that. “Thank you,” I say. “I’m sure I could be better.”
“No, thank you for giving my son a chance. I know it can’t have been easy to give up the life you were going to have.”
I chew on my inner cheek. Do they have many conversations about the life Jameson offered me? Do they know I’d turned him down?
“I’ll let you get some sleep and see you in the morning.”
Emily brushes a soft hand over Emmy’s cheek and takes her in for a few moments. I catch my breath. Luckily, she doesn’t hear when she turns and leaves the little bedroom.
“I feel awful, lying to your mom about us,” I say, closing the door quietly and opening up my overnight bag and taking out my cotton plaid patterned pajamas.
Finn’s eyes raise seeing my pajamas, mine do the same seeing him in only a pair of boxers.
“It’s pretend, for your mom’s sake. I’m sure she’ll appreciate me walking around in pajamas and not in underwear.”
I turn my back to Finn and strategically dress. But as I turn around, he tilts his head, looking me up and down, and smiles in a way that will get me into trouble as his eyes morph from curious to hungry. “You still look delicious.”
I shake my head, and a roguish grin is his only response.
I climb into the bed and get under the covers.
“Goodnight,” he says, switching off the lamp on his side of the bed.
I blink my eyes open. The dark heightens each of our breaths. My heart beats loudly, and I’m sure he can hear each pound.
“Are you awake?” His voice behind me as I push my eyelids tight shut once more. Normally I can sleep, I slept with him the night we had sex ... but now ... it’s as though him being so close is disturbing every nerve in my body, twitching ... twisting ... nothing is helping.
The landing light that slivers underneath the doorway turns off. “Yes, you okay?”
“Mm,” he says suddenly, sitting up. “Why did you give her my name?”
“Are you annoyed with me?”
“God, no. But you said you didn’t know she was mine.”
“I lied.”
He sighs. “And you didn’t think to tell me.”
“I deleted your number after we split up. By the time I realized I was pregnant, I had no way of contacting you.”
“Through my father?”
“I did. I tried to speak to you at your father’s company. They said you didn’t work there. I asked to speak to your father but never received a call back, and I really didn’t want to blurt out I was pregnant with his grandchild.”
“And then you gave up,” he says, anger lacing his tone.
“Yes,” I say quickly and quietly. “Everything changed when I lost my mom, and I wasn’t going to risk losing my daughter if you became unreasonable. You never explained yourself. I still thought you betrayed me, and I didn’t trust you enough to not betray me again.”
Silence stretches between us long enough for me not to take it back. I can’t see his face, not only because it’s dark, but I still have my back to him.
“Thank you for giving me a chance to be a father.” There’s torture in his words, and my heart sinks to my toes. "But I know you, Ava, You're not telling me something."
“I want to be more. This is about you and me. There’s something here, it’s always been there. This love we have goes deeper than sexual attraction.”
“Deeper than hate?”
I wake completely tangled in Finn. He’s laid flat on his back, and I’m curled into him with my hand over his shoulder and my head on his chest, while his hand circles my waist. But it’s when I look down and see my leg entwined between his that I realize we’ve somehow merged our bodies as one.
I slowly lift my arm and leg, shift enough and turn myself so my back is facing him.
He doesn’t wake. I grab my mobile from the bedside table: 6:10 am, but it seems so dark outside. I roll myself out of bed to not disturb Finn and walk to the window, peeping behind the closed curtains. Gray clouds darken the sky, rain lightly pelts the ground.
I creep back to the bed to see Finn looking peaceful as he sleeps, then continue walking to the door that separates the two bedrooms. Emmy sleeps as peacefully as Finn.
I close my eyes; it’s been a perfect weekend, and soon it will be over. Something I need, because there’s a sexual charge between Finn and me, which makes it hard to breathe when I’m so close.
Soon we’ll have the distance again.
Everything will be easier.
I take my underwear and clothes and go to the bathroom, shower, and dress in the quickest time ever, hoping Emmy hasn’t woken.