Matteo—Age Eighteen
Ihear her before I see her.
I’ve always been able to tell it’s Evie just by the sound of her steps. How light and swift they move, how she swishes her hips from side to side.
She’s changed this summer. I’ve always noticed her, have had to push my thoughts about her away, but now it’s becoming painful to do so.
Pulling out teeth would be better than ignoring the way I feel about Evie.
College can’t come soon enough.
Turning on my heel, I lean against the dock, putting my back to the lake, my view now the gorgeous blonde swaying slightly as she comes toward me with determination. The graduation party blaring in the background is completely forgotten now.
The world could be ending, and I’d only have eyes for her.
“Hi, Dove.”
Evie hiccups. “Hey, Valenti.”
“Having fun?” I tease, eyeing the red solo cup in her hand.
Her cheeks tint but I’m not sure if that’s from her blushing or the alcohol.
She’s only a step away when she seems to trip over her own feet. I’m beside her before she hits the deck, my hands wrapped around her waist as I haul her up.
“Oops,” she slurs around a giggle.
Shaking my head, I can’t help but smirk. “Come on, Dove, have a seat,” I say, leading her toward the built-in bench on the deck.
Evie all but flops beside me, her leg brushing mine, sending that telltale spark of lightning through my veins.
Both of us turn toward the lake. Jake’s lake house has been everyone’s go-to party house this year; it seemed fitting we all came out here for our last night of fun after graduation today.
Evie showed up an hour into the party. Caleb wasn’t happy about it but some of her friends are dating the graduates. It would have been unfair if she had to leave but her friends could stay.
Although, if Caleb currently saw how intoxicated she is, he’d blow a lid.
Evie leans into my side, her head lowering onto my shoulder. I crane my neck, but I don’t spot anyone along the shore, everyone probably farther along or still inside the house. Swallowing thickly, I lift my arm, letting her come in closer as I wrap it around her.
I tell myself it’s to keep her upright.
I tell myself that this is okay.
I tell myself I’m not betraying my best friend.
But it’s hard to lie to yourself, especially when the truth is obvious.
The silence stretches on, but it’s a comfortable one. People always tell me I don’t talk enough but they’re just the wrong type of people for me. The right sort of company can drag words out of me.
Like my Dove.
She always gets me to talk the most, followed closely by her brother. It’s…freeing being with her.
“Are you happy to be done?” she whispers into the chilly night air.
Tipping my head side to side, I settle for honesty. “Yes and no.”
Keeping her head in the crook of my arm and chest, she peers up at me and, fuck, if it isn’t the most gorgeous sight, glassy eyes and all. I just wish they were clear right now.
“Why no?” she asks.
It’s hard to miss the hopeful lilt in her voice.
She’s not wrong to be hopeful, but I can’t tell her that the only person I’m sad to leave behind is her. That it’s not her mom and dad cooking pancakes on Saturday mornings I’m going to miss but her, sitting across from me at the dining table smiling so radiantly.
She’s the sun in my life, constantly lighting up everything in my sight, and when she’s not around, it’s so dark there’s not even a moon to illuminate anything.
What will college be like without my sun?
“I’m excited to be away from my parents and to be on the same hockey team as Caleb.”
“But?” she probes.
Sighing, I dance around the truth. “I’ll miss your family. I’ve always considered them my own.”
“Oh.”
Evie sounds so dejected that when she drops her head back, my heart cracks. Squeezing her closer to me, I add, “And you, of course.”
She lifts her head again, that hopeful look back. “Really?”
“I’ve known you since I was seven. It’s going to be weird not having you around.”
“Can we still talk?”
I smile down at her. “Of course. Can’t get rid of me that easily.”
Biting her lip, Evie shuffles around unsteadily until she’s sitting on her knees facing me. “Matteo?” she whispers.
My brow arches at her using my first name until I see the way she’s looking at me. My stomach drops, but my heart skips a beat. How can I be excited that something is about to happen and yet dreading it all the same?
Evie takes a swig of her drink before placing the cup down, pulling a face like she sucked on a lemon. Coughing, she breathes, “Jesus Christ, what did they put in this punch?”
I pinch the bridge of my nose, chuckling. “Never touch the punch at parties. It’s a recipe for disaster.”
“Well I know that now.” Shaking her head, she waves me off. “We’re getting off track.”
No, please stay off track, a part of me wants to beg while the other whispers, Say it, Dove. Please say it.
Clearing her throat, she squeezes her eyes closed then flings them wide open, blurting, “I don’t want you to leave without you knowing I like you.
” Jumping to stand, she begins to pace, her breathing frantic.
“And I know. You’re my brother’s best friend, you’re older… All these variables don’t work, right?”
I say nothing. I could never force myself to agree with her because I’d happily fuck shit up if I knew it would work. If I wasn’t moving across the country and chasing a career that I know could and will take me anywhere.
“It’s just, I feel it, you know? And I’m not stupid, I catch you looking at me.”
My eyes widen at that but she rushes forward, waving me off. I’m so tall that we’re at eye level, me sitting and her standing. She places her hands on my shoulders, imploring me with her glassy eyes.
“I’d regret it for the rest of my life if I didn’t do this,” she whispers.
That’s all the warning I get before she leans forward and brushes her lips against mine.
Lightning striking my body would be far less of a jolt to my system.
Energy courses between our lips, a physical zap of electricity, but that’s all I allow. Just a mere split second of ecstasy before I place my hands on her hips and gently push.
“Evie,” I whisper. “You’re drunk.”
“So?”
“So I’m not going to kiss you when you’re drunk.”
This can’t be our first kiss.
“But you leave in the morning for summer camp.”
My lips thin. “This can’t happen,” I whisper gutturally. Not right now, I want to add, but force myself not to.
“But…” she pulls back, assessing me, the moment sobering her.
This is going to hurt her, I know it is, but not as much as it’s gutting me.
“I’m not stupid. I’m not crazy either. This isn’t one-sided…” she whispers, but as I stay silent, her face slackens, a flash of such betrayal in her gaze my heart physically drops into my stomach.
It’s not one-sided, I want to whisper.
But I fucking know her, and I know what the next few years would look like for Evie.
Fucking torture.
A long-distance relationship, constant phone calls of me letting her down because something came up with practice or an assignment. And then what? Asking her to follow me around the country while I chase my dreams, placing her life second to mine while I go pro?
She deserves more than that.
The next five years pass through my mind in a blink, and it ends with her hating me.
It ends in turmoil.
It ends with hatred in her soul.
It ends in agony.
Maybe I’m being a martyr, maybe I’m saving us from heartbreak, or maybe I’m selfish and want her to experience life so that when she comes to me again, it’s with the same amount of certainty in my heart that we’re meant for each other.
Or maybe I’m just terrified of having her only to lose her.
“Evie,” I say softly. “We can’t go there.”
I’m careful with my words but ultimately, when the pain crosses her face, I know I’ve made the wrong call. I want us to wait, want us to come together when we aren’t kids and can make it last an eternity.
But I think my next words make me lose her forever.
“You, Caleb, and your parents are the only family I have. You know that. You know that all I’ve truly had for love is your family, and I’m terrified of losing that.”
“You won’t lose us,” she says, but it’s weak, soft.
“I don’t think I want to risk that,” I say brokenly, because it is breaking me. If Evie came to me again and asked to have me, I’d give my heart up on a platter. I can only deny her once. Can only put myself through this agony one time.
So for the first time since I’ve known her, I lie, and make a vow to myself that it will be the last one I ever tell her.
“I don’t want to lose Caleb’s friendship. He’s like a brother to me…” Taking a deep breath, I force out the rest of it despite it tasting like acid. “I don’t want to risk it.”
I’d risk fucking everything but losing her. Life wouldn’t mean anything if I didn’t have her, and that’s exactly what would happen if we got together. I’d lose her in the long run.
Tears fill her eyes in an instant, her lower lip wobbling. “You’re choosing Caleb.”
It’s not a question, but I spit out the most abhorrent word to ever come from my mouth. “Yes.”
No sooner do I say it, she runs, and it takes everything in me not to go after her.
My chest aches, my throat stings, and then the sobs come.
What did I just do?