Chapter 41 Rosie #2
“Holy shit. I am so sorry!” I turned to try to catch him, but he was already down, and my foot connected squarely with the thing that had me all out of sorts to begin with. Wesley made a strangled noise that sounded like a dying goose and briefly folded in on himself.
My hand flew to my mouth, and I realized what I’d just done. “OH MY GOD.”
Wesley bent a bit forward on the ground, both hands clutching the floor for dear life as he tried to stagger into a sitting position. His face was twisted in pure agony.
“I didn’t mean…I was just…”
He sucked in a painful breath. “Well,” he wheezed, voice thin. “Good news. The problem”—he managed to grimace as he straightened slightly—“has resolved itself."
I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Evelyn sent us off with a few knowing glances and an ice pack, and I spent the entire car ride back to my house apologizing over and over again.
“Rosie, please, no more apologizing. I’m okay. Every part of me is okay.”
I let the current apology I had ready die on my lips at his words, and thankfully, we had just pulled into my place. “Can I come in, Rosie? I think we are past due for a conversation. Don’t make me use my injury here.” He tried to tease, but I heard the edge in his voice.
“Yeah, yeah, I guess we are. Come on in.” I didn’t mean to sound resigned, but I was.
I wasn’t exactly sure how the conversation was going to go.
I had planned it out over and over in my head, but the truth was, I didn’t actually know what he was going to say.
But I was ready to know. I knew I would be okay in whatever came next.
I had a community now, friends outside of Wesley, even if none of them made me feel as good as he did—and in that was my problem.
I will always be in love with him, but is he in love with me? I questioned his sincerity, and I didn’t know how to get past that when the words “Lake told me” lived rent-free in both my waking moments and in my subconscious ones.
He hobbled up to my front door behind me, and I really tried my best not to let out any sign of amusement at his current state. I was barely holding it together, and if the look he gave me was anything to go by, Wesley knew exactly what I was thinking when it came to that. “Inside, Rosie.”
We made our way in, and Lionel was right by the door.
He gave me a head nudge to my leg, and went for a bite of Wesley’s jeans.
“Hey! I brought you grapes! I thought I was making headway.” He dodged the next attempt and limped into my kitchen, pulling out lettuce and other healthy food for Lionel, getting it ready without me saying a word.
“Have you looked at any of the pamphlets I left for you about zoos? Some of them actually seem really nice. Although the more I look into zoos, I don’t know how I feel about them… ”
“Do you really want to talk about zoos?”
“No, but I was going to let you take the lead.”
“Me?” I admonished.
“Rosie,” he said quietly. And there was something in the way he said my name that shifted the feeling in the room, my arms crossed over my chest before I could stop myself. I was feeling flayed, wide open just at the way he said my name.
“Don’t.”
Wesley looked confused for a moment. “Don’t what?”
“Don’t say my name like that.” My laugh came out brittle. “Like you have suddenly realized it means something.”
Hurt flashed through his eyes at my words, sharp and immediate.
“Rosie,” he said again in the way that was tearing me apart.
“Just stop, Wesley. You didn’t even know,” I snapped.
“You didn’t realize you loved me until someone else pointed it out.
How am I supposed to believe that? Believe any of it?
Sometimes, I look at you, and all I hear are those words.
Lake told me. Lake told you that you were in love with me, so it must be true! ”
His jaw tightened.
“I didn’t…” he said, voice low. “I didn’t notice it, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t there.”
“It means you didn’t see me.”
The words landed harder than I expected. His shoulders pulled back like I had actually shoved him. For a second, he just stared at me through slitted eyes as I tried to get my breathing under control.
Then, he did something I wasn’t expecting, and laughed, rough, disbelieving, and I found myself flinching at its sound.
“You didn’t tell me either, Rosie. You said nothing.”
My stomach drops.
“You didn’t tell me,” he repeats, stepping closer now. “How much could you really love me if you never said a damn word?”
“That’s not…”
“And I felt it. I felt it all. I just didn’t realize what I was feeling.
I felt out of sorts, confused, angry at you, angry at everyone because you were pulling away from me.
And I couldn’t put my finger on it. I slowly started to realize my feelings before anyone said anything to me at all!
” He threw his hands up to the sky in exasperation.
“I felt like I was going crazy, losing my mind. I was looking for you everywhere. And yes, Rosie, after things ended with Caitlin, I was having a drink with my good friend, who decided it was time he pointed some things out to me. Do I regret the way I handled things? Every. Fucking. Day.” There was a pause while he closed his eyes and steadied himself.
“I’ve been trying to talk to you for weeks,” he continued, voice rising.
“Weeks. Do you have any idea what that’s been like? ”
His hand dragged through his hair, pacing across the room before turning back to me.
“It’s tearing me apart.” His voice goes quieter.
“All of it is tearing me apart. Seeing you date, being with you and not being with you. I’m seeing things about us and understanding things about us for the first time.
And I want to talk to you about it, but I’m scared you’ll run again, like you’ve been doing for weeks.
Avoiding me. Avoiding this. You can say whatever you want, but you and I both know that’s exactly what you’re doing.
And the only thing I can come up with is maybe you don’t actually want me.
Maybe you just thought you did. Maybe you spent all this time thinking I was the one for you, only to realize you don’t actually want me. ”
My chest burned.
“That’s not true.”
“Then what is it?” he demanded.
My anger finally won. “You want to know?” I shot back, stepping toward him. “Fine.”
I jabbed a finger at his chest.
“I love the way you make coffee for me like it’s some sacred ritual every morning, when you’d rather have yours black.
I love the way you speak to Lionel when I’m not looking, or you think you’re alone.
I really hate that I love the fact that you brought me zoo pamphlets, and that you’re spending your time worrying about him. ”
He opened his mouth to interrupt, but I kept going.
“I love that you pretend to hate my music, but you know every single lyric anyway. The way you’re actually reading the books for book club.
The way you pay attention to most things, and without second thought, signed up to help Evelyn.
I love the way you show up for people without ever making a big deal about it. ”
My voice cracked.
“And I really love the way you look at me like I’m something worth protecting.
But I don’t trust that your feelings are real.
I think you’re scared to be without me, so you’ve convinced yourself you’re in love with me.
If you were, you wouldn’t need someone to tell you what I’ve known this whole time. ”
The room went very still.
Wesley wasn’t moving.
He was just staring at me.
“You really believe I would do that to you? That I would have said anything if I weren’t sure? You didn’t tell me,” he said again, softer.
“Because I didn’t want to lose you. No…I couldn’t lose you.”
Something in his expression broke, and in two strides, he was in front of me. Suddenly, I was the one backed up, and my spine hit the wall with a soft thud as he planted his hands on either side of my head. Heat instantly flooded my body.
He was so close I could feel the tension in him. I could feel the way his breathing had become uneven. “Rosie,” he said again, soft and sweet yet rough.
My pulse was hammering so loud I swore that Wesley had to have been able to hear it.
“You’re killing me right now.”
His forehead nearly touched mine before he stopped himself, and for a second, I thought he was about to kiss me.
I couldn’t help the whispered, “Please,” that fell through my lips.
Wesley had me pinned up against the wall in two seconds flat, and my legs instinctively went around his waist as his hands threaded through my hair and gently pulled my head back, giving him access to my neck.
He started slowly peppering the space between my collarbones with kisses and bites. And before I could comprehend what was going on, I was mewling, scratching his back and grinding up and down on his erection.
Please, please…I didn’t realize I was begging out loud until Wesley’s face was in front of mine, our ragged breaths mixing in the shared space.
“I’m going to kiss you,” he said, and I knew it was to give me time to back out, but there was no way I could disentangle myself from him.
His lips met mine in a punishing kiss. It was not soft; it was all teeth and built-up anger, mashing teeth, and I was pretty sure I tasted blood.
I just didn’t know if it was his or mine. And I didn’t care.
His grunts were enough to nearly cause me to come on the spot, and I was about to reach my hand down to undo a button on his jeans.
“No,” he muttered, the illusion breaking as he started to disentangle himself from me.
My head jerked up. “What?”
His eyes were dark, jaw clenched so tightly he could barely get his next words out. “It can’t happen like this.”
I stared at him.
“You’re kidding?” I panted out.
“I want you,” he said, “But I want all of you, and I want you when you’re sure.”
“I am sure about this.” And I really was. I wanted that part for sure.
His thumb brushed my jaw, and the contact sent sparks all the way down my spine.
“I’m all in, Rosie. And I’m not taking this any further until you know you are, too, and it won’t be up against your wall. I want it all with you.”
My hands gripped his shirt. “The wall is perfectly fine,” I argued, not commenting on the rest of it because my mind was still buzzing from being pressed up against him.
For the first time since we had come inside and started talking, Wesley smiled.
It was slow, predatory, a little dangerous, and I felt the heat between my thighs again.
“Not until you’re sure.” He pushed himself fully off the wall and away from me.
“You’re seriously leaving?” I questioned, more confused than ever—and annoyingly turned on.
“Are you sure?”
I grappled with his question and pursed my lips, unable to answer him.
“Then yes, I’m leaving. See you at book club.
Unless you, you know, contact me before then.
” And he strode out of my house. But not before finding Lionel and attempting to give him a pat on the head, which was met by his obvious disgruntlement as he tried to take another bite out of Wesley’s hand.