CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE #2
Sebastian vaguely remembered a text from Luke about that. He hadn’t gotten around to answering it, too wrapped up in work and the sudden effort Luke was clearly putting into this relationship they were trying to navigate.
“I do have a sweet tooth actually,” Sebastian admitted. He laughed when he inspected a bag of gummy cactus. “Especially when I smoke weed. Nice choice, by the way.”
“I’m not much good at romance, but, uh, I’ll try.”
“I like that you thought of me,” Sebastian admitted. “It makes me feel like you care. But stuff like picking up takeout or bringing me a warm cloth after sex, to me, that’s romantic too. Maybe more meaningful than some of the traditional things like dinners out and all that.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. It feels nice to have someone—” Sebastian bit his lip.
Luke raised his eyebrows. “Take care of you?”
“Yeah,” Sebastian said. “I mean. I’m a pretty independent guy. I don’t need to be coddled or anything.”
“Course not,” Luke said gruffly. “You’re perfectly capable of taking care of yourself.”
Sebastian smiled because he knew that was a huge compliment, coming from Luke. “Yes. But I’ll admit that sometimes, especially after running three shops and looking out for Brie and Harper, not having to be the one who takes care of shit all the time is fucking nice.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.”
“What can I do for you?” Sebastian asked.
Luke leaned forward and kissed him. “Just keep being you,” he said when he drew back.
Sebastian smiled. “And you say you’re not romantic.”
“So,” Thad said as he slid into the booth across from Luke a couple of days later. “What’s the occasion? I like you, dude, but you don’t usually invite me out for a drink.”
Luke shrugged. “I wanted to talk to you about something.”
“Something to do with the team?” Thad asked.
Luke shook his head. “Something I want to keep as far away from the team as I possibly can.”
“Okay,” Thad said. “So meeting me at the team hangout spot definitely accomplishes that.”
With a snort, Luke admitted it probably wasn’t his smartest move. But he liked O’Neill’s Pub. Felt at ease here. And, at least at the moment, no one else from the team was around.
Honestly, early on a weekday evening, the place was pretty empty all around.
“Anyway,” Thad said. “What did you want to discuss?”
“So I, uh …” Luke rotated his glass between his palms. “I’ve been wondering about some stuff.”
Thad raised an eyebrow but took a sip of his drink rather than ask him what the fuck he was talking about.
“Like … from the shit you and Gavin have said, it sounds like your family is sort of screwed up. And you’ve talked about prison being fucking awful.”
Over the years, Luke had known plenty of other guys who’d been in prison who’d said the same.
“That’s putting it mildly,” Thad said with a chuckle. “But yeah. To both.”
“But you and Graham seem pretty happy together.”
“Also true.”
“Didn’t the family and prison stuff kinda … fuck you up?”
Thad snorted. “Oh, it totally fucking did.”
“But that didn’t screw up shit with Graham?” Luke frowned and took a sip of his drink.
“It came close,” Thad said with a sigh. “It really could have, but I worked my ass off to not let it. I’m still working on it. And he’s been patient with me while I figured my shit out.”
Luke frowned. “So how do you know which one it is? Like, which one is making you screwed up?”
“I mean, therapy has helped a lot.”
Luke made a face. Because fuck no. The thought of sitting down and talking about his feelings sounded like a nightmare. Hell, sitting down to talk to Thad was bad enough.
“I know,” Thad said with a soft laugh. “It’s not for everyone. But it did help me figure out what I needed to work on and where I was still struggling.”
Luke nodded.
“Can I ask why you’re wondering?” Thad asked.
“Well,” Luke said. “My family was kinda … I dunno, fucked up? Like, my parents were sorta … checked out of their relationship for most of my life. I’m pretty sure my mom got pregnant to keep my dad around.
And I fucking get it, she was poor and desperate to get out of a shitty place, but uh, they never really seemed like they wanted to be together, you know? ”
Thad winced.
“So I didn’t exactly have a role model for what that shit’s supposed to be like. Like, healthy relationships and all that.”
“Yeah, I get that,” Thad said.
“I was never that surprised when my buddies and teammates were super fucking into dating and shit and in a hurry to get married and I wasn’t. It made sense, you know? Why would I be when all I fuckin’ knew was my parents who didn’t even like each other by the end.”
“It does make sense that you wouldn’t be excited about relationships after that,” Thad said with a chuckle.
Luke looked down at his drink and swallowed hard. “But I also think I’m just sorta … wired that way?”
“Wired what way?”
“To not be that interested in relationships. To not want them the same way other people do.”
“Sure,” Thad said slowly.
“But how do I tell which is which? How do I know if I’m screwed up from my family or this is just the way I am?”
“Well, it sounds to me like you already know that they’re different things. That your screwed-up family isn’t what caused you to be aromantic, or whatever you’d like to call it.”
Luke nodded.
“So for you, it’s probably a little bit of both.”
“Right.”
“And that being ace isn’t something to be fixed, but that you can work on the upbringing part of it.”
“Yeah,” Luke said gruffly.
“And you don’t think that all relationships out there are shitty, right?”
“Nah,” Luke said. His Uncle Sonny and Aunt Linda had been together forever and still seemed to really like each other.
So … maybe he’d seen one good example. “I can see some other people are really happy in them. I just … I dunno, man. I just never really wanted one? I tried, for about a year and a half when I was younger, but it didn’t work out. ”
“Well, lots of people have relationships that don’t work out. Until they find one that does.”
“Sure, like Graham,” Luke offered. “He dated a shitload of women before you two ended up together.”
“Yeah.” Thad smiled. “Or hell, even Jesse and Connor, right? Jesse was a real wild child before he settled down with Connor.”
“Ha. Yeah. He sure was.”
“So, I think it’s possible that a person can be in a place where they don’t want a relationship until someone sparks that interest and makes them reconsider.”
“Sure. But what if you don’t ever meet anyone who makes you want to try? What if you were perfectly happy being alone?”
Because Luke had been happy before things started with Sebastian. He’d certainly never felt like anything was missing in his life. But it was still better with Sebastian around. It still made him wonder how good it could be with him in his life in the future.
Thad hummed. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t aromantic people on a spectrum? Some people absolutely never want any kind of relationship ever. And for others, there’s some wiggle room or it varies depending on who they’re with.”
“Sure, I guess that makes sense.” Anker was at the far end of things. Way more sure he never wanted to be with anyone, ever.
Clearly there was some wiggle room for Luke, at least when it came to Sebastian.
“Just to be clear, that is what you’re talking about, yes? Being aromantic?” Thad pressed.
“Not much of a labels guy,” Luke admitted. “But I think so.”
“So, and I’m just spitballing here, is it safe to say you met someone recently who makes you reconsider?”
“Yeah. We, uh, talked about it a little bit. When I was in L.A. Uh, on the phone,” Luke added in case Thad thought he meant someone on the team. “And a little more when I got back.”
“And that person understands that you’re somewhere on that aromantic spectrum?”
“Yeah, he does.”
There was a tiny flick of Thad’s eyebrow lifting, like he’d registered that it was a guy Luke was talking about, but all Thad said was, “And you want a relationship with him?”
“Yeah. He, uh, he gets me,” Luke said. “And we’re on the same page, I think, about what we’re looking for. He gets my need for space and all that. And wants some himself, so, you know, that part works.”
“But you’re worried about it?”
“I just, uh, don’t want to screw it up, you know?” Luke admitted because that had been weighing on him heavily since his talk with Sebastian the other night. “This could maybe be something good, and I don’t want to fuck it all up because my parents were the fucking worst together.”
“I get that,” Thad said. “But the truth is, you’ll never know how good it could be unless you try. You probably will fuck it up sometimes, but if you really care about him, if he really cares about you, you’ll figure it out together.”
Luke nodded. “I’m gonna fucking try.”
Their conversation moved on to other things after that, and Luke let out a sigh of relief. He wasn’t sorry he’d talked to Thad today but talking about his feelings was about as fun as having his finger and toenails pulled out one by one.
“You want to play some pool now?” Luke asked after he’d finished his drink.
“Sure,” Thad said, standing. “I could do a round. I have plans with Graham later though.”
“No problem.” Luke followed him over to an empty pool table. “Hey, uh, do you think it’s weird if people are in a relationship but don’t live together all the time?”
“Nah,” Thad said. “It took Graham and me a while to work up to that. I have some fucking nasty insomnia so sometimes I slept at my place if I knew it was going to be a bad night. I’m moved into Graham’s place now, which is great, but some nights …
I still sleep on the couch. At least then if I’m flopping around like a fuckin’ fish, trying to get my brain to shut up, I’m not disturbing him. ”
“Got it.” Luke grabbed a pool cue.
That wasn’t quite what he meant but he supposed that it didn’t matter. If he and Sebastian were happy with shit, that was the important part, right?
Thad stepped closer. “By the way, I won’t say anything to anyone, even Graham, about who you’re dating, if you don’t want.”
“You don’t know who I’m dating,” Luke said drily.
Thad gave him an exasperated look but he still kept his voice pitched low. “That you’re dating a guy, I mean. If you’re not ready to come out.”
“Ugh.” Luke dragged a hand through his hair. “I fucking hate that I even have to. Not that I want him to have to stay hidden or any of that shit. I just … I don’t fuckin’ want it to be a big thing, you know?”
“You could do what Graham and I did,” Thad offered with a little smirk. “Fuck around in the bathroom here and get caught by your brother/boss and have the whole fucking team find out too.”
Luke shuddered. “No fuckin’ thank you.”
“So just show up with your guy at a team event then,” Thad said with a laugh. “And refuse to answer any questions about it. Act like they’re the weird ones for being surprised.”
“Don’t tempt me,” Luke said with a laugh. “I just might.”
“Do it,” Thad said with a sly grin. “Just promise you’ll give me a heads-up so I can record Tanner’s reaction. He is going to lose his shit.”
Luke snorted. Thad wasn’t wrong about that.
“Hey, I’m gonna get a water before we start playing,” Luke said, leaning his cue against the wall. “You want anything?”
“Yeah, a water sounds good. Thanks.”
“Sure. Back in a minute.”
Liam was busy helping someone at the far end of the bar, so Luke pulled his phone out while he waited.
He tapped out a message to Sebastian. I’m gonna be free in about an hour. Do you want to do something tonight?
A few moments later he got a message back saying. Honestly? No. I’m wiped out. We were slammed today and I’m exhausted. All I want to do is put my feet up and listen to records while I eat shitty mac n’ cheese. Alone.
Luke smiled. It hadn’t been a test, but if it had been, Sebastian would have passed with flying colors. He sent back, I get it. Enjoy.
Thanks for understanding, Sebastian texted. Maybe we can do something tomorrow though?
Sounds perfect, Luke replied.
And it really was. Right there was exactly why Luke thought that maybe this could work with Sebastian.
“What can I get ya?” Liam asked.
Luke glanced up. “Two waters, please.”
“On it.”
When Liam plunked two waters down in front of him, Luke pulled out his wallet. “Gonna close out my tab.”
“Sure thing.” As Liam rang him up, he absently rubbed his lower back, digging his knuckles into his spine.
“You alright there?” Luke asked.
Liam glanced up. “Ahh, just getting old. I have a bad back.”
“I feel that,” Luke said with a huff. “I’m gonna need a complete fucking rehaul when I retire.”
Liam nodded in solidarity. “I thought I was close to retirement myself, but it turns out my nephew got himself a wife and child in Chicago and he’s happy there. He isn’t gonna be taking over O’Neill’s like we talked about a few years ago.”
“Ahh shit,” Luke said. “You thinking of selling this place then?”
Liam sighed. “I’d have liked the pub to go to someone in the family, but it doesn’t look like anyone’s interested. I’ll just keep going along until I can’t anymore. I’ll worry about it when the time comes.”
Nodding, Luke wondered if Liam would be interested in selling to him when that time came. He glanced over to see Thad waiting for him and decided to save asking Liam that for another day. Besides, Luke needed to know what was going to happen with his contract before he made any serious offer.
“Best of luck to you,” Luke said, lifting one of the water glasses in a toast.
“Same to you,” Liam said with a nod of his white head.
Luke returned to the pool table and handed a glass to Thad, but even as Thad broke and they began shooting pool, he considered the idea of not just buying a bar, but this one specifically.
The thought had never crossed Luke’s mind before but if Liam was willing, it might be something to consider.
Now, if only he could get Mac to hammer out a fucking deal with Gavin …