Chapter 20
MADDY
Is it possible to wake up on the wrong side of the bed when you didn’t even sleep?
What. A. Day.
End a three-year relationship? Check.
Drown my sorrows at a bar, spilling my deepest, messiest secrets to a random bartender and my cat? Check.
Go home with my ex-boyfriend and practically launch myself at him in a last-ditch attempt to feel something other than miserable? Big, humiliating check.
Get rejected, then flee like a raccoon caught in someone’s trash? Check, check, check.
Now, I lay in Ben’s guest bed, staring at the ceiling like it holds the answers to all my poor life choices.
The high-end mattress beneath me is probably the most comfortable thing I’ve ever slept on, but it may as well be a bed of nails for all the rest I’m getting.
I toss, I turn, I try counting imaginary sheep—nothing helps.
My brain won’t shut up, running an endless highlight reel of all the things I’d like to forget.
When my alarm blares at seven, I feel strung out on anxiety, my body tense like a live wire. The thought of calling in sick is so tempting, but I force myself to get up.
I rummage through my bag for an outfit, the one I haphazardly shoved in before leaving Derek’s last night.
The charcoal-coloured dress is a bit wrinkled but passable.
I tuck it under one arm grabbing my make-up bag with my other hand and tiptoe across the hall to the spacious bathroom I used last night.
I’m careful not to make a sound. I’d love to shower, but I don’t want to risk waking up Ben.
The cold water I splash on my face offers a temporary jolt of clarity, but it does little to chase away the exhaustion clinging to my bones.
I dress quickly, throw my hair up in a butterfly clip, and apply more makeup than usual in an attempt to mask how tired I am. I don’t succeed, but I do my best.
I quickly brush my teeth before giving myself a final once over in the mirror. I don’t look great, but I’m presentable.
Steeling myself, I creep into the hallway, fully expecting Cheshire to be waiting for me, yowling in hunger and judgment, but he’s nowhere to be seen.
“Morning.”
Ben’s deep baritone makes me jump.
He’s casually leaning against the entrance to the kitchen, arms crossed, his expression calm.
“You scared me,” I gasp, pressing a hand to my racing heart.
“Sorry,” Ben chuckles, slow and easy, rubbing a hand over the stubble on his face to hide his grin. His dimples are on full display making him look anything but sorry.
I take in the way his snug t-shirt clings to his broad chest and his joggers hang low on his hips. His hair is a tousled mess that’s so effortlessly sexy. It’s not fair that he woke up looking like that.
Since that first run-in with him almost six weeks ago, I’ve been trying to ignore how attracted I still am to Ben. For so many reasons, most of all because I was in a relationship. But now I’m single and the mere sight of him has me practically salivating like a dog in heat.
“It’s fine,” I say quickly, smoothing my clammy palms over my dress. I can’t seem to look him in the eye, but I also can’t seem to tear my gaze away from him. So instead, I stare at the part of his collarbone above his t-shirt and I focus on getting the words out.
“Thank you for coming to my rescue and for letting Cheshire and me crash here. I really appreciate it. I’m heading to work, but I’ll make other arrangements, and I promise we’ll be out of your hair by tonight.”
“Mads—”
“I’m so sorry about what happened last night,” I cut him off, my words tumbling out in a rush.
If I don’t say this now, I never will. “I drank too much, but that’s not an excuse.
My behavior was…unprofessional, and I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.
I know we’re just friends. It won’t happen again. ”
Ben stalks toward me, slow and deliberate.
I step back, but there’s nowhere to go. My back hits the wall with a soft thud, and Ben follows, bracing his hands on either side of my head, caging me in.
The air around us is charged.
The intensity in his gaze makes my stomach twist, my pulse hammering against my ribs. I feel warm, like I’m standing too close to an open flame.
“What do you think happened last night?” he asks, his voice low, measured.
I blink up at him. “What?”
“In the kitchen.” His expression is unreadable, his tone is firm. “What do you think happened?”
I swallow, shame tightening its grip on my throat. “I tried to kiss you. Which was stu—”
“Why?”
I blink again, thrown off balance. “What?”
“Why did you try to kiss me?”
Because he was so close. Because I missed him. Because I felt broken, and I thought maybe—just maybe—he could fix me.
“Because I wanted to,” I admit breathlessly. The effects of the alcohol I drank last night have long worn off, but I feel drunk on him. On his nearness. On the way he looks at me like I’m all that matters.
His face inches closer. He’s not touching me, but he’s close enough that I can feel the heat of his skin. “And what do you want now?”
My brain short-circuits, unable to process everything I’m feeling fast enough to form words.
What do I want?
I want Ben—more than I’ve ever wanted anything—but some part of me still doesn’t believe I’m allowed to have him.
I want to lean into him, to rest in the safety of his arms and trust he’ll hold the weight of me—but not until I’m sure I’m capable of letting go.
I want to surrender completely to what I feel for him, to fall without fear—but only if there's some guarantee tucked into the fine print that I won’t end up broken again.
My mouth opens but no sound comes out. I swallow against the lump in my throat as I blink back tears.
“It’s okay, Madness,” he murmurs, stroking my cheek with his thumb.
“You’re allowed to be confused. You just called off your engagement and I don’t expect you to have all the answers right now.
But I need you to understand something—I’m not confused.
I know what I want. But I also know that just because I want it doesn’t mean I’ll get it.
” His mouth curves into a small, almost sad smile.
“So take your time. Figure out what you want. Not what I want, not what your mom wants, not what Derek wants. You. Can you do that?”
“Yes.” I barely breath the word.
Ben nods slowly, his eyes flickering down to my lips before meeting mine again. “Good.”
His hand drifts from the wall to my hair, gently tucking a loose tendril behind my ear. His touch is featherlight, but it sends a shiver down my spine.
“You and Cheshire can stay here as long as you need,” he continues. “I made arrangements with my buddy Will to crash at his place for a while.”
I shake my head. “I can’t ask you to do that.”
“You’re not.” His lips twitch like he’s resisting a smirk. “I want you to have your own space while you figure things out.”
My stomach twists. “What if I don’t want space?”
I don’t say from you, but it lingers in the air between us.
Something that looks a lot like hope glints in his eyes.
“I’ll be around as much or as little as you want me to be,” he promises.
“But I do think it might be harder for you to find clarity with me sleeping down the hall.” His grin turns wolfish.
“You know, since you find me so attractive and I’m so good at sex. ”
“You’re the worst.” I shove his chest, laughing despite myself.
He chuckles, stepping away, and part of me wants to pull him right back.
“Thank you,” I tell him, my voice quieter now. “For letting me stay. For…letting me get my head on right.”
“Take as much time as you need.” His expression softens.
“All I ask is that before we take things further, you’re sure it’s what you really want.
If you do decide you want to try again…I want to do things right this time.
Because losing you was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. I won’t survive it again.”
The urge to launch myself at him nearly overpowers me. But he’s right. I’m not ready and I don’t want to rush things. He’s giving me the time and space I need and I’m not going to take it for granted.
“I should get to work.”
“I’ll drive you.”
“You don’t have to do that.” He’s done so much for me already, I can’t keep relying on his kindness.
He smirks. “I kind of do. Your car is still at the hotel.”
Ugh. “Right. Are you sure you don’t mind?”
“Of course not.” He grabs his keys and I grab my bag. We both say goodbye to Cheshire who ignores us.
As we walk down the hallway, I’m struck by how centered and safe I feel, even in the midst of one of the biggest upheavals in my life. I find my almost-dead phone in my coat pocket and see I have two texts from Derek and six calls from Kathleen. I plan to ignore both of them.
Give yourself the time and space to figure out what you want.
When was the last time someone asked me that?
I honestly can’t remember.
As we step into the elevator, Ben grins as he presses the button. “Hey–remember last night? When you drunk dialed me?”
I roll my eyes. “Vaguely.”
He continues as he inches closer to me, nudging my arm with his, “And then I took you back here and you threw yourself at me?”
“Okay…”
“And I was a total gentleman, valiantly fending off your horny advances.”
“I’m going to call a cab.”
“Aww, baby.” He wraps his arms around me as he pulls me against him in a hug. “Don’t be mad at me for not putting out.”
Laughter bursts out of me before I can stop it and I bury my face in his chest.
“I missed you,” I manage between giggles.
Ben tightens his grip around me and presses his lips against the top of my head.
“Missed you too, Madness.”