CHAPTER 17
---
Phuwin slowly lifted his head.
His eyes were still wet, glassy under the café light.
And something in that look made Pond's chest tighten immediately.
Phuwin swallowed hard.
"...I stopped being their Phuwin a long time ago."
His voice cracked slightly.
"I don't even know what I'm supposed to be anymore."
He let out a shaky breath.
"Everyone just looks at me like I'm disgusting."
A pause.
"...Like I'm something wrong."
His fingers curled slightly on the table, bandages visible as he trembled.
"...Maybe it's true."
His voice dropped.
"I can never be perfect."
A breath.
Then it broke.
"But I never wanted to be perfect either."
His eyes squeezed shut for a second.
"I only tried because my father said I had to be."
His voice grew tighter.
"He's a politician. Everything is image. Everything is reputation. So I learned early that if I'm perfect- if I smile, if I don't mess up- then maybe people will leave me alone."
He shook his head slightly, tears falling again.
"...But it didn't work."
A broken laugh escaped him, empty and tired.
"It never worked."
Phuwin looked up at Pond again, eyes shaking.
"I was so wrong."
His voice softened into something smaller.
"...I'm still being hated anyway."
Silence fell over the table.
The café around them felt distant, like it didn't belong in the same world anymore.
Pond didn't move.
But his gaze didn't leave Phuwin for even a second.
And something in his expression-
Shifted deeper than before.
Phuwin's breathing broke further.
"...I'm still getting used anyway," He whispered, voice shaking. "I'm still getting bullied anyway-"
His hands suddenly moved up to his head, gripping both sides of his hair tightly like he was trying to hold himself together.
His shoulders shook as everything came out at once.
"...I don't know what I did wrong..."
His voice cracked completely.
"I tried so hard... I really tried..."
And then-
He sobbed.
Raw.
Uncontrolled.
Like everything he had been holding in finally collapsed at once.
Pond froze.
Completely still.
His eyes locked on Phuwin, watching him fall apart in front of him without knowing how to fix it in that exact moment.
For a second, there was only silence between them-
The kind that felt too heavy to breathe through.
Pond's fingers tightened slightly on the edge of the table, like he was grounding himself.
Then slowly-
He stood up.
Pond didn't hesitate anymore.
He moved around the table, and sat down right beside Phuwin.
Then he pulled him in.
A tight, steady hug.
Phuwin froze instantly.
His body went rigid for a second, eyes widening in shock as if he didn't expect to be touched at all.
Slowly, hesitantly-
He turned his head.
Pond didn't let go.
His arms stayed firm around him, grounding him, holding him like he was afraid Phuwin might break apart if he loosened even a little.
"...Stop crying," Pond said quietly.
His voice was low, but it wasn't cold.
It was strained.
"...It hurts."
A pause.
"Your tears... It makes me feels like you're being squeezed apart in front of me."
He tightened his hold slightly- not rough, just closer.
"...I didn't know you were carrying all of this."
Phuwin didn't respond.
He just stayed there, still frozen in the hug, eyes wide and glossy, staring into nothing and everything at once.
Pond exhaled slowly against his shoulder.
"...You don't have to be perfect."
A pause.
"You don't have to be anything people forced you to be."
His hand shifted slightly on Phuwin's back, gentle.
"...Just breathe for a second."
Silence returned again.
But this time, it wasn't empty.
It was held together.
Like Pond was trying to keep Phuwin from falling any further.
Pond slowly pulled back from the hug.
For a moment, he just looked at Phuwin.
Quiet.
Still.
Like the whole world had narrowed down to just the space between them.
Phuwin's breathing was uneven, eyes still wet, face flushed from crying.
Neither of them spoke.
Then-
They leaned in.
The kiss happened suddenly, but not carelessly.
It was heavy with everything they hadn't said.
Soft in some places, unsteady in others.
Pond's hand moved to the back of Phuwin's head, holding him there gently, like he didn't want the moment to slip away.
But just as quickly-
Phuwin froze.
His body tensed.
And then he pushed Pond back.
Hard.
Pond's eyes went wide, immediately letting go.
Phuwin wiped his lips with the back of his hand, breathing fast.
His voice shook.
"...Pond..."
He shook his head.
"I can't- I... I don't-"
His throat tightened.
"I don't understand this."
His hands trembled as he tried to form the words.
"I don't understand my feelings yet."
A shaky breath.
"I don't even know what I'm feeling most of the time. Everything is already too much- people, my family, everything they say, everything I'm supposed to be-"
He swallowed hard.
"And then you... And I-"
He stopped, frustrated with himself.
"I don't know what this is."
His eyes flickered up to Pond, confused and overwhelmed.
"...I can't just figure it out like this."
Pond exhaled softly.
He didn't move closer again.
Just stayed where he was, giving Phuwin space, his expression calmer now but still heavy with something unspoken.
"...Sorry," He said quietly.
A pause.
"...I shouldn't have done that."
His gaze softened as he looked at Phuwin properly this time.
"I got carried away."
He shifted slightly, hands resting loosely now instead of reaching out.
"...I'll give you time."
His voice was steady.
"No pressure. No forcing you to understand anything right now."
Pond glanced down for a second, then back up.
"...Just think about yourself first."
A small pause.
"And what you feel... When you're not being overwhelmed by everything else."
The café stayed quiet around them.
But between them-
The air felt a little less tight.
Pond didn't touch him again.
Just stayed there.
Present.
Waiting without pushing.
---
The next day, Phuwin sat beside Gemini on the bench outside the university.
The wind was light, people passing by in the distance, campus noise blending into a soft background hum.
Phuwin didn't look at anything in particular.
Just the sky.
Quiet. Distant.
Like he was trying to escape into it.
Gemini was next to him, leaning back slightly, scrolling through his phone without much focus.
He noticed Phuwin's silence, but didn't rush it.
Then Phuwin spoke.
Still staring upward.
"...Why does loving the same gender have to be hated?"
Gemini's fingers paused on the screen.
He slowly looked up at him.
For a moment, he didn't answer.
Just studied Phuwin's face.
Then he exhaled.
"...That's a heavy question for a morning bench sit."
A small pause.
But his tone softened.
"...People fear what they don't understand."
He leaned forward a little, resting his elbows on his knees.
"Most of the time, it's not even about you."
Phuwin stayed looking at the sky.
Listening.
Gemini continued.
"People grow up with rules they never questioned. Ideas they never challenged. So when they see something that doesn't fit those rules- like who someone loves- they don't think, 'maybe I should understand this.'"
He shrugged slightly.
"They think, 'this is wrong.'"
A quiet pause.
"...And then they repeat it."
Phuwin's expression didn't change, but his fingers tightened slightly on the edge of the bench.
Gemini glanced at him.
"But hate doesn't automatically mean truth."
He tapped his phone once, then put it down beside him.
"It just means loud opinions with no thinking behind them."
A breeze passed.
Gemini continued, a bit more serious now.
"And in places like schools, families, even online... People love labels. They love putting others into boxes because it makes them feel safe about their own."
He tilted his head slightly.
"So when someone breaks that box- like loving someone the same gender- they panic."
He shrugged again.
"It's easier for them to say 'disgusting' than to admit they don't understand it."
Phuwin finally lowered his gaze slightly, still not looking at Gemini.
Gemini's voice softened a bit.
"...But that doesn't make you wrong."
A pause.
"You're not wrong for feeling something real."
Phuwin's breath caught slightly at that, but he didn't speak.
Gemini leaned back again, looking up at the sky too now.
"Honestly... Most people aren't thinking about your happiness when they judge you."
He gave a faint, tired smile.
"They're thinking about themselves."
Silence settled between them again.
But it wasn't heavy this time.
Just honest.
Gemini turned his head slightly toward Phuwin.
"...You don't have to rush figuring yourself out."
A pause.
"But you also don't have to hate yourself just because other people don't get it."
Phuwin stayed quiet.
Still looking up.
But his shoulders... Were a little less tight than before.
Then, quietly-
"...Since when did you find out you're into boys?"
Gemini blinked.
Like the question caught him off guard.
Then he let out a small breath, almost amused.
"...That's an interesting question."
He leaned back on his hands, staring forward instead of up now.
"I didn't exactly 'find out' in a clear moment," He said slowly. "It was more like... I kept noticing something I couldn't ignore."
A pause.
"My first real confusion was Fourth."
He said it casually, but not carelessly.
Just honest.
"At first I thought I was just... Looking at him a lot because he has that baby face thing going on. You know? He just stands out."
A faint exhale.
"But then I realized it wasn't just that."
Gemini tilted his head slightly, as if remembering it.
"I'd follow him with my eyes without meaning to. I'd notice where he was in a room before I even realized I was doing it."
A small pause.
"And my heart would react before my brain could explain anything."
He glanced at Phuwin briefly.
"...That was the part that confused me the most."
Gemini gave a small, almost helpless shrug.
"At first I tried to deny it. I told myself it was nothing. Just curiosity. Just habit."
A beat.
"But it didn't go away."
He exhaled.
"And eventually... I just accepted it."
His voice softened slightly.
"Not because it suddenly made sense, but because fighting it made me more exhausted than just admitting it was there."
He looked down at his hands for a moment.
"...I didn't choose it. It just... Happened."
Then he looked back at Phuwin.
"But what I did choose was not hating myself for it."
A small pause.
"...That part took longer."
The bench fell quiet again.
But Gemini's voice stayed steady.
"You don't have to rush to label anything, Phuwin."
A pause.
"Just don't scare yourself out of what you feel before you even understand it."
Phuwin stayed quiet for a moment.
The words hung in the air around him, heavy but not suffocating this time.
Then he gave a faint nod.
Gemini didn't push anything further.
He just stayed beside him, letting the silence settle naturally between them.
Phuwin's hands relaxed slightly on his lap.
Not fully calm.
Not fully certain.
But a little less tangled than before.
---
Later that night, Phuwin sat on his bed with his phone in his hands.
The room was quiet.
Too quiet.
The only light came from his screen.
He stared at it for a long moment before finally typing:
"What does love feel like?"
Search results filled the screen.
Words.
Definitions.
Explanations.
"Warmth."
"Comfort."
"Butterflies in your stomach."
"You feel safe with them."
"You think about them a lot."
"You care about their happiness."
Phuwin read them one by one.
Slowly.
Carefully.
His brows furrowed slightly.
Warmth...?
His mind drifted.
To a jacket being placed over his shoulders.
To hands gently wrapping bandages around his fingers.
To arms holding him when he couldn't stop crying.
He blinked.
Comfort...?
Pond sitting beside him.
Not saying much.
Just... Staying.
Phuwin swallowed.
You think about them a lot...
He paused.
That one lingered longer than the others.
Because lately-
No matter how much he tried not to-
His thoughts kept going back.
To Pond.
To that hug.
To that kiss.
To the way his chest felt every time.
Phuwin quickly locked his phone.
Like he needed to stop himself.
He dropped it beside him and laid back on the bed, staring at the ceiling.
"...What is this..."
He whispered to himself.
His chest felt tight again.
But not in the same way as before.
This time-
It wasn't just pain.
It was confusion.
Something unfamiliar.
Something he couldn't name yet.
And it scared him-
Because for the first time,
He couldn't control it.
The door creaked open softly.
"Phuwin...?"
His mother's voice.
Careful.
Hesitant.
Phuwin turned his head slightly.
"...Come in."
His tone was calm.
But distant.
She stepped inside slowly and closed the door behind her.
Then walked over and sat at the edge of his bed.
For a moment, she didn't say anything.
Just looked at him.
Then her eyes dropped-
To his hands.
"...What happened to your fingers?" She asked quietly, noticing the bandages.
Phuwin glanced at them.
"...Nothing," He said shortly. "Just... Scratched them while writing."
She frowned slightly.
Like she didn't fully believe it.
But she didn't push.
Silence filled the room again.
Then she spoke.
"...I'm sorry."
Phuwin didn't react.
Just stared at the ceiling.
"I'm sorry about your father," She continued, voice trembling slightly. "He... He shouldn't have done that."
A pause.
Her hands clenched lightly on her lap.
"And I'm sorry... For not being there."
Phuwin's gaze didn't move.
Her voice cracked.
"I didn't realize how much you and Book were going through... How alone you felt."
Tears began to fall.
"I was so focused on everything else... That I forgot you needed us."
Phuwin stayed silent.
Expression unreadable.
"I'm sorry for making you feel like you don't have parents," She whispered, crying now. "I'm sorry for everything."
The room felt heavy again.
She wiped her tears, but they kept falling.
"...I really love you. Both of you."
Phuwin finally looked at her.
But his face stayed still.
No anger.
No softness.
Just quiet.
Like he didn't know what to do with those words anymore.
He exhaled slowly.
His gaze dropped from her face to his hands.
For a moment, it looked like he wasn't going to say anything at all.
Then, quietly-
"...It's okay, mom."
His voice was calm.
Too calm.
She looked up at him, eyes still wet.
Phuwin swallowed.
"...You don't have to apologize like that."
A pause.
"...I get it."
His fingers curled slightly against the blanket.
"Things just... Turned out like this."
He didn't look at her again.
"...I'm used to it."
That part came out softer.
And heavier than everything else.
His mother's face tightened, like those words hurt more than anything he could've said.
Phuwin continued, still staring down.
"...You don't have to worry about me right now."
A pause.
"...Just... Take care of yourself too."
Silence.
His mother reached out like she wanted to touch him-
But stopped halfway.
Then slowly pulled her hand back.
"...Okay," She whispered.
She stood up quietly, wiping her tears.
Before leaving, she looked at him one more time.
"...Good night, Phuwin."-
"...Good night."
The door closed softly behind her.
And Phuwin was left alone again.
Sitting there-
With everything still inside him,
Unchanged.
---
The next morning, Pond sat across from the Rector in a quiet office.
The air was tense.
Heavy.
The Rector leaned back in his chair, fingers steepled together as he looked at Pond with a frown.
"...Do you mind explaining," He started, voice controlled, "why you ordered your group to beat a student up?"
Pond didn't look away.
Didn't shift.
"...He opened his mouth in a wrong way," He said flatly.
A pause.
"...He was bullying-"
"Bullying does not justify violence."
The Rector's brows furrowed deeper.
His tone sharpened slightly.
"You could have reported it. There are proper channels for this kind of behavior."
Pond tilted his head slightly.
A faint, mocking look in his eyes.
"Report it?"
He let out a quiet breath, almost like a scoff.
"This bullying towards Mr. Tangsakyuen's son has been going on for weeks."
His voice stayed calm.
Too calm.
"And nobody reported it."
The Rector's expression stiffened.
"Everyone saw it," Pond continued. "Everyone heard it."
A pause.
"And they just let it happen."
His eyes darkened slightly.
"...Watched him suffer."
Silence stretched in the office.
Pond leaned back slightly in his chair.
"...So don't talk to me about 'proper channels.'"
The Rector's jaw tightened.
"You are still a student here, Mr. Naravit. You are expected to act within the rules of this institution."
Pond's lips twitched faintly.
Not quite a smile.
"This institution?" He repeated quietly.
Then his gaze sharpened.
"...It's corrupt."
The word landed heavily.
"You leave your students to get bullied," Pond continued, voice colder now. "And you don't even protect them."
The Rector's expression snapped.
"That is enough."
But Pond didn't stop.
"I regret studying here," He said bluntly.
A pause.
"...Should've just gone abroad."
The silence that followed was sharp.
The Rector slammed his hand lightly against the desk.
"Watch your words."
His voice dropped, warning.
Pond leaned forward slightly, meeting his gaze without fear.
"...Or what?"
A long pause.
The Rector exhaled slowly, regaining control.
"...You're already under suspension, Mr. Naravit. Don't make your situation worse."
Pond didn't respond.
Just stared.
Unmoved.
"...You're dismissed. For now," The Rector said firmly.
Pond stood up without another word.
Turned.
And walked out-
Like the conversation didn't change anything at all.
---
The next day, Phuwin walked through the university hallway.
Headphones in.
Music playing low- just enough to drown out the world.
His gaze stayed forward.
Steps steady.
Controlled.
Around him, people still whispered.
He could see it.
Lips moving.
Eyes following.
"Is that him?"
"He's wearing headphones now."
"Trying to ignore it?"
"After everything?"
"Still coming to school like that..."
But this time-
He didn't hear them.
Just faint, distant noise behind the music.
Like waves crashing far away instead of right next to him.
His grip on his bag tightened slightly.
Not from panic.
Just habit.
He kept walking.
Past them.
Through them.
The hallway felt a little different now.
Not quieter-
But less suffocating.
For the first time in days-
Their voices didn't reach him completely.
And even if they were still there-
He chose not to listen.
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