Chapter Nine
Sophie
I’m not proud of myself for my SOS call to Carlo, and have been battling with my decision ever since, but after talking to Nicky five days ago, I understood I had to do something positive.
Carlo was coming to the UK this weekend anyway, for Lily’s birthday, which made it easier to ask for help. He’s promised to speak to Spencer, which is all I could hope for.
When he quizzed me about what was going on, I intentionally didn’t go into too much detail on the phone, aside from stating that I rarely see Spencer and that our relationship needed help.
It’s hard to say if he was already aware of the issues, but my announcement certainly didn’t come as a shock. In typical Carlo style, he told me nothing, but somehow made me feel supported and heard.
It didn’t surprise me to learn that he knew Spencer was in Dubai; they’ve always spoken daily. Nothing happens in our lives that Carlo doesn’t know about. Which is why he’s the only person who can help.
I don’t even have a second of doubt that Carlo won’t do everything in his power to help Spencer. He’d gift wrap the world and give it to him if he could.
Knowing I’ll have his input should help me relax a little, but it doesn’t.
I’m scared our marriage is too strained.
The demise has been simmering in the background for too long.
Spencer works long hours but whenever we are together, our love shines through.
However, even when we’re laughing and happy, I can see the darkness in him and watching him struggle is breaking my heart.
I’m petrified, not that I will lose everything, but that my husband already has.
Spencer’s return from Dubai yesterday afternoon filled me with joy because he came straight home.
I held him tight, hoping to eradicate the unwelcome distance that seems to be growing between us.
The way he didn’t question my gesture. The way he gripped hold of me as if he wanted to absorb me.
Gave me hope that he’s trying; he doesn’t want to give up on us, and I suspect he’s struggling to find the path back.
I’ve told him so many times, in so many ways, that I don’t have a problem with his relationship with Carlo. Short of unzipping Carlo and ordering Spencer to latch on, I’m not sure what else to do.
The damage isn’t visible. It’s in my husband’s head, and it’s killing me that my outburst helped put it there.
If I thought by walking away, I’d solve this, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Not because I want to, but because I can’t bear seeing him like this. However, I’m certain me giving up on him isn’t a solution.
Both men’s parents have been invisible throughout their lives. Nonna was the only constant until she died. I’m determined not to be like the rest; I can’t leave. I won’t.
After tucking Lily into bed tonight, I flopped back at the dining table with my new laptop. My obsession with gleaning every scrap of information about this club is unquenchable.
Knowing Spencer was spending the evening in London, I needed to keep myself distracted. But I couldn’t help wishing I knew exactly what he was doing. Is he with her?
There was a loud knock at the front door.
It was most unusual to have unexpected visitors at this hour of night, so I glance through the peep hole. When I saw Carlo’s beaming smile it was just the tonic I needed.
“Buonasera, Bella, how are you?” he asks, his Italian accent thicker than I remember.
Carlo’s mere presence blankets me with a level of comfort I haven’t experienced for months.
“Carlo! It’s so good to see you,” I sob, and he pulls me into his arms. “I miss you.” I tell him honestly, hugging him back hard.
Once he releases me, we mosey into the kitchen, while Carlo explains that after speaking to me on the phone, he decided it was more important for him to be in London to try to finally sort things out between us all.
As we reach the light in the kitchen, he turns me to him, peering into my face. The familiar love and affection pouring out of him fills my eyes with tears.
“Why have you let it get to this?” he asks, his words humming inside my head like a nest of angry hornets.
He’s reprimanding me, but it’s gentle. Carlo knows me well enough to be aware of how hard I’ve battled. He loves me.
I stand for a moment, allowing his affection to fill the jagged crevices in my heart.
“Because it’s all my fault,” I start, my voice several pitches higher than normal. “I fucked up, Carlo, so big, and I don’t have a clue how to fix it.”
In my emotional state, I barely notice Carlo sweeping me into his arms. It’s the sensations of warmth, strength, and perseverance that resonate through my grief.
As his positivity penetrates, the weight on my shoulders eases a touch. Knowing I can share everything with this man without fear of betrayal, seems everything in this moment.
Until the memory of what I’ve done to him pours into the gaps his affection created.
“I’m sorry, Carlo. I’ll never forgive myself for pushing you away.”
“Ssh, Bella. You can’t take the blame for all this on your own.
It’s far more complex than that;” he sweeps the hair back from my face, pressing his lips to my forehead.
“This conversation is long overdue. Spencer doesn’t know I’m here yet, I’ll go and see him in a little while.
In the meantime, let’s have a chat. I need some context. ”
My head dips in a quick nod.
“Bella, I’m not denying that your outburst triggered Spencer’s shame, but he was always a loose cannon where our physical relationship was concerned.”
His words are soft, careful. I force my lips together but can’t control my chin wobbling. His acknowledgment of my starring role in this disaster instantly makes my skin tingle.
“I know,” I whisper.
A tidal wave of anger washes over me.
“I don’t fucking know how to fix this,” I sob. “It was a stupid thing to say, and I’ve had to live with it ever since. I’ve never regretted saying anything so much.”
Darkness crosses his eyes, and the self-loathing I’ve long endured about the pain that my actions caused him roars to full intensity.
“Stop, Bella, you don’t need to take all this on alone.
When you fell pregnant, I understood your decision to end your relationship with me.
Did it hurt? Yeah, too right it did, but I don’t blame you for it.
Listen, the result of all this bullshit, from my perspective, is that I lost everything.
Including my relationship with the man I love, but it isn’t the fault of one person, or even one conversation, this is the result of years and years of life choices and shame. ”
A sob escapes my throat; appalled by the distress I’ve caused this kind, generous man.
“I realize it’s not enough, but I’m so sorry, Carlo.”
The tears trickle down my cheeks. Even though this happened almost three and a half years ago, Carlo and I have rarely been alone together since.
I see him regularly; he’s always popping over to stay with us for weekends, but since my pregnancy with Lily, Carlo doesn’t stay with me when Spencer’s away, and we’ve never discussed the changes in our relationship in detail because Lily or Spencer are always with us.
So, it feels good to clear the air and give him my perspective.
“I’m sure Spencer told you the whole story, but I said what I said in the heat of the moment.
I had hormones raging. Spencer was yelling at me, demanding I give up my career.
” I pause, deciding whether to confess the truth.
“It all sounds so pointless now, but we were arguing. I wanted to wound him, like he was wounding me. I didn’t even mean it.
It never occurred to me that our conversation would devastate all our lives like this. ”
Carlo’s head dips again, his eyes closed as if he’s trying to block me out.
“I’ve told Spencer dozens of times that I have no issue with his being with you.
I love your relationship. It used to turn me on seeing you two together.
I enjoyed being with both of you, but most of all, witnessing your connection was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever experienced in my life. ”
He licks his lips, and I can see the effort he’s going through to hold himself together.
“I would like to understand why you said what you did. You knew how conflicted Spencer had always felt about our attraction. This has plagued me for too long not to ask.”
His words, a mere whisper, still sink into my soul, causing my old scars to balloon with shame.
For over three years, I’ve kept this to myself, never wanting to verbalize what a slut I am. It was easy to recognize how fragile Spencer’s physical bond with Carlo had become, and determined to prevent my concerns from stirring up any more unease I stayed silent.
“I couldn’t be certain who Lily’s father was,” I whisper, talking to the tabletop. “When the doctor told me the likely conception date, he confirmed what a whore I was.”
There was only a brief pause before his voice broke through it, sounding more definite again.
“I assumed as much.”
My gaze clashes with his.
“You should never have been made to feel that way, Soph. Spencer and I both love you. I’m sorry you didn’t feel able to discuss this with us.
There was never anything dirty in what we did.
Just because society says you should marry a man, with whom you should be monogamous, and be shackled to for the rest of your life, raising two point four children, while living in a house with a white picket fence doesn’t mean that’s your ideal. ”
Carlo’s always been like this; he’s totally open and accepting of other people’s lifestyle choices. Silence falls between us for a few minutes, and I move away to pick up a tissue.
“Would you like a drink?” I ask.
There’s no response, forcing me to glance over my shoulder at him. When I see what he’s doing, my chest freezes.
Carlo’s glaring at the information about the club on my laptop, the blood draining from his face.