Chapter 5 Melanie
MELANIE
NOW
The pedal train outing with Josh feels like a first date.
I guess in many ways, it is. I haven’t seen him in years and before Cara’s death, I was so fixated on Josh.
I stupidly thought we’d end up together back then.
I thought maybe I’d graduate, wait a year for him to graduate, and we’d head off to Nashville together.
But unfortunately, it didn’t turn out that way.
I was left reeling and alone after Cara died.
I know Josh struggled too. He never came back to school after her death, and I was recovering from my broken leg, among other things I’ve never shared with anyone.
I wanted so badly to see him, but I was literally a prisoner in my house.
I couldn’t force him to come see me. So, we just didn’t see each other, except for the funeral, when I couldn’t get close enough to him to have a real conversation.
Now I desperately want to ask why he left without a word.
I want to spill everything I went through in his absence, how lonely it all felt.
The urge presses at me, but I bite it back.
We’re only just reconnecting, and the last thing I want is to push him away—especially when I’ve missed him more than I can admit out loud.
“So,” we say at the same time. We laugh, our gazes locked. My chest flutters, and I have to look away. I fix my gaze on the marsh in front of me.
“You never settled down?” he asks, looking sideways at me.
“Nope.” I shrug. “It’s just me.”
“Never met the one?” he probes further, cocking his head. I can’t tell if he’s interested in me or just being nosy.
I sigh. I’m not prepared for the emotions that his question brings up. I shake my head. “I’ve dated off and on but it always seems to fizzle out. People drop off. I’ve been ghosted more times than I can count. I’m just…everyone’s second choice.”
Josh’s brows push together in a frown, his lips forming a tight line. He shakes his head. “No, no way. I refuse to believe that.” He reaches across my lap and pulls my clasped hands apart, taking one in his. “If I never left here, you would have been my first choice.” His voice comes out husky.
Before I can say anything, someone shouts from the car behind us. “Wow! Look at that!”
Josh and I stop pedaling and turn in our seats, looking for the owner of the voice. We find a teenage boy, pointing up to the tall wooden perch anchored in the middle of the marsh. Sitting on the top of it is a single bald eagle.
“Wow,” I breathe.
“I know. I’ve never seen one up close like this.” Josh drops my hand, reaching into his pocket for his phone before snapping a couple of pictures. I should do the same, but I’m entranced, watching him, and wondering what things might have been like if he’d never left.
* * *
To make up for Josh buying my train ticket, I insist on taking him to lunch.
The problem is, it’s already two p.m., I’m due at work at four thirty, and there is a wait everywhere.
That’s an early summer Saturday for you.
We’re moseying around the mall when I get an idea.
“Do you like poke bowls?” I ask Josh, grabbing his hand so he stops walking.
“What’s a poke bowl?” He squints at me. He’s been in Tennessee too long.
“You know, it’s a rice bowl with ahi tuna, avocado, vegetables—there’s usually a dressing.” I frown. “You really haven’t had one?”
Josh chuckles, scratching his chin. “I haven’t, but I’ll try it.”
“Then I know just the place,” I tug his hand and lead him back up to Jackson Street.
“There’s a little beach hut. We can get a bowl and eat it on the beach.
Then I have to get ready for work,” I say, pushing down the sadness about leaving him alone for the evening.
Twenty minutes later, we’re walking up the path to the beach across from the fish hut that doesn’t have a name.
We settle in the high sand, and I pass Josh his takeout container and a plastic fork.
He opens it and pokes his fork around for a minute or two, eliciting a laugh out of me.
“You can mix it up,” I tell him teasingly. “Or, you can take a single bite of each ingredient. There is no wrong way.”
“Why do I feel like you think there is a wrong way though?” Josh eyes me skeptically, a fork full of poke bowl hovering in front of his mouth.
“Just eat it! You like tuna, don’t you?” I furrow my brow, suddenly wondering if he actually does like fish. There are so many things I don’t know about him anymore.
“I do,” he says, nodding. “Okay. Here goes.” He shoves the bite in his mouth and makes an approving sound that I find oddly sexy before going back in for more.
“See?” I ask, giggling. “I told you.” I dig into my own bowl, and we eat in comfortable silence, perhaps because this is the first thing we’ve eaten today, or perhaps because neither of us knows how to start talking about all of the things left unfinished.
When Josh is done, he sets his container aside and leans back on his elbows, spreading his legs out in front of him.
I do the same but turn on my side to look at him.
The sun is warm up here on the high sand, and I have a delicious urge to curl into Josh and take a nap.
I let myself wonder again what might’ve happened if Cara had never died.
If Josh had never left. We planned on telling her about us after the football game, the night of the accident.
But I also had things to say, and I never got the chance.
I drove with Liam and Cara to the game because that’s what we always did.
It would’ve been weird if I told her I was going with Josh, and I’d meet them there.
After the accident, I wished I’d gone with Josh.
I wished I’d have told her before the game and maybe she would’ve gotten so mad, we’d have been late and missed that drunk driver.
There are so many should-haves and what-ifs attached to that night.
Josh and I were so excited to tell Cara. We actually thought she’d be happy for us. I’m sure she would have been. A dull ache settles in my chest at the memories flooding my brain. We never got the chance.
“You okay?” Josh asks, shading his eyes and squinting at me. “You’re awfully quiet.”
“I was just thinking…”
Josh furrows his brow in question.
“About the night of the accident. How we’d planned to tell Cara about us,” I continue.
Josh’s face falls and he sucks in a breath.
“Oh, yeah, that.” He sits up, turning to face me.
I do the same. When Josh looks at me, his eyes are tender.
He tucks a stray hair behind my ear and lets his hand linger on my cheek for a split second.
It’s a gesture that feels natural and foreign all at the same time.
“I’d like to think she would’ve been happy for us,” he murmurs.
“Yeah?” I ask, biting back a hopeful smile.
“Yeah. In fact, I know it.” Josh nods.
“I miss her,” I say sadly, looking down at my hands.
He offers me his hand and rubs tiny circles on my palm.
“Me too,” he rasps. “Every day.” Josh keeps my hand in his and pushes to a stand, pulling me with him.
We brush sand from our legs and pick up our trash.
“We better get back so you can go to work.” He takes my trash from me and trudges ahead to the trash can as if he can’t escape the memories fast enough.
* * *
The last place I want to be tonight is work, but I can’t call out on Andrew.
Saturday nights in the summer get really busy.
We really need two managers on. Thankfully, he did text me that he’s closing.
After lunch on the beach with Josh, we raced back to my place, where I took a quick shower and put on my super attractive work clothes.
Honestly, they’ve never bothered me before but with Josh watching my every move, suddenly I’m wildly self-conscious of the food smell ingrained in the fibers of the clothing, no matter how many times they’re washed.
I made my best effort though, with a tight-fitting pair of jeans and enough body spray to fool my brain into forgetting about it.
I come out of my bedroom and find Josh sitting on the couch, idly strumming his guitar, a blank notebook open in front of him.
“Wow.” I beam when he looks up at me. “You wasted no time getting to work.”
Josh huffs. “If only I could actually write something,” he mutters. “So far, all I’ve got is this chord progression.” He starts strumming the chords G, D, E minor, and C.
I frown, a smirk twitching on my lips. “Are you playing ‘Wagon Wheel’?”
“Damnit, I am!” Josh taps his hand on the top of the guitar. “I thought I made that up.” He lets out an easy laugh, shaking his head.
“Stuck, are you?” I offer him a commiserative smile.
“I could really use a collaborative jam sesh,” he admits, pushing his lips together.
“I wish I could but, duty calls.” I walk toward my front door. When I turn back to say goodbye, I find his eyes fixed on me.
“Mel, think about it, okay? I’d love to play with you again.” His chin lifts, a hopeful expression dancing on his face.
I smile, turning to go. “Okay. Bye, Josh.”
I pull the door shut behind me.
* * *
Hours later, there are too many of us behind the bar.
Ashley, Maura, our barback Chris, and I don’t all fit.
I’m getting frustrated, tripping over everyone, so I duck out.
I run into Andrew as he’s coming out of the kitchen.
“We can cut someone behind the bar, I think, if both of us are here,” I holler, pitching my voice over the noise of the bar.
“I’ll take a look,” Andrew calls back, already glancing toward the bar.
I push past him, heading for the office when he catches my elbow. “You okay?”
“I’m just burnt out.” I sigh. “Too many late nights this week.”
Andrew makes a tsk sound, like he’s thinking. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I’ll be around more next week.”
I give him a smile that doesn’t quite reach my eyes.
“I’m good. I just need a few minutes.” The words taste automatic—the kind of thing I’ve said to him a hundred times before.
I walk away before he can answer, the weight of my own honesty pressing in as I close the office door and relish the solitude.
I plop down in the chair and check my phone.
No messages. I open Instagram, searching for Josh’s profile.
I haven’t looked at it in ages. I’m not even following him.
The first photo on his feed is a picture of him and a girl with a familiar face.
She’s some celebrity, but I can’t place her.
The post is two months old and there are no other recent ones.
I tap the follow button and swipe out of Instagram.
I open Google and type “Josh Cote’s girlfriend. ”
The headlines that come up surprise me:
Josh Cote and Keira Muller Split
Josh Cote Single After a Year with Keira Muller
Keira Muller Crushed Over Split with Country Star Josh Cote
Rising Music Sensation Josh Cote: Alone After Split with Girlfriend and Band
I don’t bother to click on any of them. Looks like he’s single.
The thought of a very single Josh Cote sleeping on my couch while I’m just behind a wall makes something bubble in my belly.
Desire? Curiosity for sure. I force myself to push it aside.
Josh clearly doesn’t want to talk about these things, or he would have told me.
There’s a knock on the office door and Andrew pokes his head in.
“Mel, how about instead of cutting one of the bartenders, you just call it a night? I got it from here.” He offers me a reassuring smile.
It’s only ten thirty and I’m off tomorrow. Freedom is so close I can taste it.
I chew on my lip. “Are you sure?”
“I’m sure,” he says emphatically. “You have been covering for me a lot lately.”
I nod in agreement, a rush of relief loosening my shoulders.
Andrew cocks his head toward the front of the restaurant. “Get outta here.”
He doesn’t have to tell me twice.
Then
Josh,
What do you think of this?
Your fingers strum in the summer breeze,
I wonder if you ever think of me.
Harmony’s easy, but love’s out of tune (is this lame???)
Still, I’d play forever if it’s next to you.
M
Strawberry Girl,
Are these lyrics for me? jk jk. I like it. I don’t know about that line though. Here’s what I got:
If the world says no, then let ‘em talk,
We’ll find our song in the quiet spots.
Girl, just say the word,
And I’ll rewrite every line you’ve heard.
What do you think?
PS – this study hall is sooooo lame. Mr. Herman is snoring.
J
LOL! He always falls asleep.
Your third line is missing a syllable so you need to make it longer somehow to fit.
I wonder if we could put these together.
Okay. Got it. How’s this:
Your fingers strum in the summer breeze,
I wonder if you ever think of me.
Harmony’s easy, and we’re out of tune,
But, I’d play forever if it’s next to you.
If the world says no, then let ‘em talk,
We’ll find our song in the quiet spots.
Strawberry Girl, just say the word,
And I’ll rewrite every line you’ve heard.
Just a few little tweaks. I think the chord progression we worked on the other day might fit. Want to try it tomorrow? Cara has a soccer game.
Are you going to Alex’s party?
J
I don’t know… those parties aren’t really my scene. Everyone gets so drunk, and we’re always in a field in the middle of nowhere. I have to squat in the woods to pee. I’m on the fence, but your sister will probably make me go with her and Liam. Plus Memorial Day Weekend? I don’t know.
Come on – it’s the first party of the summer. You have to celebrate. And I’ll be there.
Probably the only thing I’m excited about.
I make you feel excited? Oooh la la.
You make me feel safe. I’ll think about it.