Chapter 28 #2
“Are ye quite finished?” He kept his voice bored, detached, even though her words were tearing him apart inside.
“Nay, I’m nae finished.” She moved closer to him, her eyes blazing.
“Ye want to ken why I’m questionin’ ye? Why I’m pressin’ this?
Because I was stupid enough to develop feelings for ye.
Real feelings. The kind ye said I shouldnae expect.
The kind that makes me care when ye’re hurtin’, even when ye’re too proud to admit ye’re hurtin’. ”
“I’m nae hurtin’.”
“Ye are! I can see it in yer eyes, in the way ye’ve been actin’ since Lydia arrived. Are ye worried me sister will convince me to leave, so ye’re pushin’ me away first? Because that’s what ye do, ye hurt people before they can hurt ye.”
The accuracy of her words made him want to destroy something. “Ye daenae ken what ye’re talkin’ about.”
“Daenae I? Then tell me I’m wrong. Tell me ye havenae been hidin’ in here for days because ye’re afraid of what me sister might say to me. Tell me ye daenae care whether I stay or go.”
He opened his mouth to do exactly that, to tell her she meant nothing to him, that her leaving would be a relief.
But the words wouldn’t come. Because they were lies. And even he wasn’t cruel enough to speak them out loud.
“That’s what I thought.” Her voice broke slightly. “Ye cannae even say it because we both ken it’s nae true. Ye do care, Elijah. But instead of admittin’ that, instead of trustin’ me, ye’re pushin’ me away with insults and cruelty.”
“Nae exactly,” he tried to make his voice cold, hard, but this time, it was not working.
“Ye just told me I was convenient! That I’m only yer wife because me sister ran away! That I’m naive for thinkin’ ye could actually care about me!” Tears were streaming down her face now though her voice remained strong.
“Do ye have any idea how that feels? To hear those things from the man I’ve been fallin’ in love with?”
The words hit him like a punch to the gut.
Fallin’ in love. She was fallin’ in love with me.
And he’d just destroyed it.
“Iris.”
“Nay. Ye daenae get to ‘Iris’ me now. Nae after what ye just said.” She wiped her eyes roughly.
“Ye want me gone? Fine. I’ll leave. I’ll take Lydia and go see me parents then take her back to the convent.
I might stay with her or find somewhere else to live.
Anywhere but here with a man who doesnae want me. ”
“I never said I daenae want ye.”
“Ye daenae have to say it! Ye’ve made it perfectly clear through yer actions!
” She was at the door now, her hand on the latch.
“Ye ken what the worst part is? It wasnae me sister who convinced me to leave. It was ye. With yer cold shoulders and yer cruel words and yer refusal to just be honest about what ye’re feelin’. ”
“Where are ye going?” The question came out sharp, urgent.
Afraid. God help me, I’m afraid she’ll leave.
“Away from ye.” She grabbed the door handle. “And before ye try to stop me, remember, ye told me to leave. Ye told me I’m only here by coincidence. So, this is what ye wanted, isnae it? To be alone again, safely behind yer walls where nae one can hurt ye?”
And she was gone, the door slamming behind her with a finality that made his chest constrict painfully.
For a long moment, Elijah stood frozen, staring at the closed door. Part of him wanted to chase after her, to explain, to take back every word he’d just said.
But his pride held him in place. His fear. His certainty that even if he went after her, even if he apologized, it wouldn’t matter. Because he’d already shown her the truth. That he was exactly the beast everyone said he was.
She’s bluffin’. She will nae really leave. She’s just angry, needin’ time to calm down.
He told himself that as he sank back into his chair. Told himself she’d cool off and realize she was overreacting. That by tomorrow morning, they’d both have calmed down and could discuss this rationally.
But even as he tried to convince himself, something cold and terrible settled in his gut. Because Iris wasn’t the type to make empty threats. When she said something, she meant it.
And he’d just given her every reason to leave.
What have I done?
The question echoed through his mind as he sat alone in his solar, surrounded by papers that suddenly meant nothing, listening to the sound of his own breathing in the oppressive silence.
He’d wanted to protect himself from being hurt.
Wanted to push her away before she could leave on her own terms.
Instead, he’d just ensured she’d leave hating him because she’d been right about everything. He was a coward. He was cruel. He was so terrified of being vulnerable that he’d rather destroy what he cared about than risk getting hurt.
I should go after her. Should apologize. Should tell her the truth about why I’ve been actin’ this way.
But his feet wouldn’t move. His pride, that damned, destructive pride, kept him rooted to his chair.
Tomorrow then. Tomorrow, we’ll talk, and I’ll explain, and she’ll understand.
He clung to that thought like a drowning man to driftwood, desperately trying to convince himself it was true even as something deep inside him whispered that he’d just made the biggest mistake of his life.