Chapter 22
CLARA
‘Figgy!’ Charlie cried before leaping up from where he was sitting and making his way onto the stage, creating carnage because all the other children got up too. Clara could see some of them turning, trying to locate their parents, as a low buzz of concern rippled through the audience.
‘Don’t worry, boys and girls!’ Clara stood trying to appear calm. ‘I’m sure Figgy just lost track of time. You know how excited he gets when he finds something new to sniff.’
She offered Charlie a reassuring smile and was surprised when the little boy gave her a tearful nod before jumping from the stage and making his way to where she was standing.
Liam stood too and opened his arms, but instead of running to his dad, Charlie launched himself into Clara’s arms, wrapping himself around her shoulders, snuggling his face into her neck. She kissed his hair and held on tighter.
‘Will Figgy come back?’ he whispered, sniffing as he twisted to look at the stage.
‘Absolutely,’ Clara promised. She glanced up and her eyes caught Liam’s. But instead of gratitude on his face, she saw fear.
She wanted to ask why he was afraid – was he scared for his dog? Then her attention shot to where Joe was once again tapping his wand on the silver bowl. His face dropped when he lifted it up to reveal a pile of carrots, but no rabbit.
‘Well, looks like Bugs and Figgy are off on an adventure,’ Doris said loudly, raising her voice above the din.
‘Of course they are!’ Eleanor boomed, making her way into the middle of the crowd, her velvet skirts flapping.
‘We all know how much Bugs enjoys visiting everyone’s houses.
He’s probably taken Figgy there too. I think if we all calm down and go and speak to Mr and Mrs Christmas about what we might like to find in our stockings, it’ll give them time to return. ’
Eleanor shot Clara a wide-eyed look and she nodded and carefully placed Charlie on the ground. He held onto her neck for a beat before reluctantly releasing her.
‘You smell like chocolate,’ he said as he took a step back and Liam came to squeeze his shoulder. ‘Better than Mia Mum, she smelled of broccoli.’ He pinched his nose and his eyes shot to his dad’s. ‘She’s gone now. I wanted you to come to the park.’
‘You did?’ Clara asked, confused. Had something happened to Mia?
She glanced at Liam, but he was looking at his son, his face creased with concern. ‘Are you okay?’ he asked as Jenny managed to weave her way through the throng to join them.
‘I’m so sorry. I couldn’t get to Charlie before he got on stage,’ she said, glancing over her shoulder. ‘Where on earth do you think Bugs and Figgy are?’
Liam pulled a face. ‘Depends on which part of the North Pole Joe sent them to.’ He nodded at his son, indicating little ears were listening in. ‘I’ll ask him in a moment.’ He glanced at Joe who was now frantically searching under boxes, on shelves and behind nearby curtains.
‘Why don’t we do our Mr and Mrs Christmas bit while Joe’s looking?
If Figgy and Bugs don’t turn up, we’ll help him look?
’ His gaze swept between Jenny and Charlie, missing Clara altogether, which made her stomach contract.
Why was Liam acting so strangely? He was starting to remind her of Hudson.
Beginning to behave like he didn’t want her here.
It left her feeling vulnerable and confused.
‘Come on, why don’t you join the queue with Jenny?’ Liam said to his son. Clara could see Eleanor encouraging the children to form an orderly line. Jenny nodded and took Charlie’s hand.
‘Will you come to my house after we find Figgy?’ Charlie whispered, patting Clara’s skirt.
Clara was about to say yes, but when she glanced at Liam, he shook his head. ‘Um, we’ll have to see,’ she croaked, giving him a half smile as her insides caved in on themselves. She shivered, reminded of the moment she’d caught Hudson with Abigail – only this time it felt worse.
‘I’m not sure Clara’s going to be able to make it,’ Liam explained. ‘Why don’t you join the queue with Jenny and I’ll chat with her?’
Charlie let out a disappointed harrumph before nodding and allowing Jenny to lead him away.
‘What happened?’ Clara whispered, turning to gaze at Liam.
‘I don’t understand.’ She saw him swallow, saw the pulse at the base of his neck hammer.
‘What’s going on?’ She could hear anguish in her voice and wished she could hide it.
But she’d always found it difficult to contain her emotions, another thing her mother disliked.
‘So boys and girls – it’s time for Mr and Mr Christmas to take their places,’ Eleanor shouted. ‘I hope you’re ready to meet them now.’
‘We’ll talk later.’ Liam gave Clara a long look before dropping into his chair.
‘Where’s Figgy?’ Charlie asked, racing across the room to Clara and Liam as soon as the queue to meet Mr and Mrs Christmas had subsided.
It had been a charming twenty minutes – and Clara had enjoyed watching the children’s excited faces, hearing about their hopes for Christmas day. Although it had been overshadowed by her dread that she was about to get dumped from a relationship that had barely even started.
‘He’s still not back.’ Charlie glanced around the shop as a tear tracked down his rosy cheek.
‘I’m sure he’ll be somewhere,’ Clara promised. ‘He’s probably found a coat he likes. How about we all look for him now?’
Jenny and Charlie nodded enthusiastically as Eleanor wandered over to join them. ‘I might check my flat. I have an odd feeling about that rabbit.’ She frowned.
‘Let me know if you find anything.’ Liam didn’t sound hopeful. ‘Jenny, please could you take Charlie to ask Joe if he’s got any more ideas about where to look?’
He waved towards the magician who was now searching his way through the lower shelves in the shop – upending hats and boxes and moving everything aside. ‘I need to have a quick talk with Mrs Christmas.’ Liam gave Clara a tight smile and her insides tensed.
She knew what was coming before Liam even spoke, could feel the pinch of rejection, the knowledge that she wasn’t enough. She held her breath as Liam waited until Jenny and Charlie were no longer within hearing distance before he turned to look at her. ‘Please don’t—’ She couldn’t bear it.
‘I’m sorry,’ Liam said, his voice low.
‘It’s not you it’s me, is that it?’ she shot back, suddenly furious.
She’d spent a lifetime feeling like she wasn’t enough.
This man was the first person – aside from Eleanor – who’d made her feel like she mattered and now he was going to reject her too.
But for the first time in her life Clara was going to allow herself to feel annoyed.
Hadn’t Liam been the one to encourage her to express her feelings?
‘I suppose.’ He gazed at his feet. ‘I can’t do this,’ he said softly.
‘I can’t let myself have feelings for you and I definitely can’t let Charlie care for you.
Just look how he’s reacting to Figgy disappearing.
’ He shook his head. ‘It’s probably too late.
He’s going to be hurt when you leave, but if I can just nip this thing in the bud now… ’
Clara went cold. It was everything she’d been terrified to hear, and having him say the words was just as bad as she’d imagined. How was this so easy for him? ‘Why would you want to, because I’m not right for you?’ she challenged.
‘That’s nothing to do with it, Clara,’ Liam said, his eyes firing. ‘You’re everything anyone could want.’ His voice was tight.
‘Then I don’t understand.’ Liam was the first man she’d given her whole heart to and now he was handing it back.
He swallowed, a great gulping breath, and glanced over at Jenny and Charlie who were talking to Joe. ‘I can’t risk Charlie getting involved with you.’
‘Because of Mia?’ Tears flooded her eyes, but she wasn’t going to give in to them. ‘Because you want to give it another try?’ Of course he did. It all made sense now.
‘No!’ he said. ‘Charlie was telling the truth. Mia left.’ His expression hardened, all those soft edges Clara had once imagined had fled and she barely recognised him.
‘Which means what – that I’m going to leave too?’ she asked, surprised.
Liam shoved his hands into the pockets of his Mr Christmas suit. ‘Be honest, Clara, you’re going to follow Hudson to New York.’ He sighed. ‘It’s only a matter of time.’
‘Is it? Because that’s not what I’m planning at all.
’ She frowned as her mind whirred. ‘I know what you’re doing.
It’s easier to push people away. You think I’m going to hurt you, so you’re going to hurt me first. Is that it?
’ It was the only thing that made sense, he hadn’t let anyone in his life since Mia had left.
‘No,’ Liam’s voice hardened.
‘You’ve kept your brother at arm’s length, refused to even speak to him because it’s easier than facing what happened.
You won’t forgive because it’ll make you vulnerable.
’ Now she saw it was difficult to unsee.
‘Now you’ve decided I’m going to leave because that’s the only way you’re not going to get hurt.
You’re running, Liam,’ Clara accused, forcing herself to confront him, to say the words she could hardly believe.
This wasn’t the man she’d begun to fall for…
‘Am I?’ Liam sounded annoyed. ‘Didn’t Hudson just come and see you?
You may think you don’t want to forgive him, but Clara, we both know you will.
’ His eyes flashed. ‘At some point being with me will get boring. Eventually, you won’t want to parent my son or live a life that’s more about washing up than going out for fancy meals in New York.
’ He blinked. ‘What’ll happen when your mother tells you that you’ve settled for too little and you decide she’s right?
You’ll leave and I’ll be left with a broken heart and worse, a broken son. ’
Clara stared at him, shocked. ‘You really think I’d do that?’ Didn’t he know her at all?
‘You left Hudson, didn’t you,’ he said dully. ‘And you’ve allowed your mother to dictate the way you feel about yourself. Those things don’t change overnight. Maybe they never will.’
The words hit because Clara knew Liam was right. She had allowed her mother to control what she did, who she loved and how she viewed herself. Had only just begun to realise it – but she was trying to change. Couldn’t he see that, or didn’t he care?
‘You’re afraid,’ she whispered, caught between wanting to shake him and wanting to help him to understand. ‘I get why – but how long are you going to keep avoiding getting close to people? When are you going to stop ignoring your pain and allow yourself to move on?’
Liam frowned. ‘With you?’ He shook his head.
‘You were just a dream, Clara.’ His eyes shone.
‘A dream I can’t have.’ The words hit like arrows and she swayed on her feet.
‘Go back to New York. Make Hudson work for you.’ He pinched his lips and she saw a hint of something in his eyes.
‘But… don’t accept less than you deserve. ’
Clara licked her lips and tasted heartbreak.
‘You’re right about one thing,’ she said tearfully.
‘I do deserve better than this.’ She heard Liam’s sharp intake of breath.
Had she hurt him? No – he didn’t want her.
She’d imagined his feelings, or he just didn’t want to have any feelings. Either way, it didn’t matter now.
What Clara did know is she didn’t belong here.
She needed to go back to New York. Perhaps she could try and see if things would be different with Hudson?
Why not? Her chest ached at the idea of leaving, but it was the only way.
She couldn’t stay here with all the memories of Liam.
It would break her heart all over again.
‘Fine. I’ll go, but not until we’ve found Figgy,’ she said, turning away as a tear dropped onto her cheek. She swiped at it, hoping no one had noticed, but when she looked up, Doris was gazing at her, her mouth pinched.
‘You don’t have to leave now,’ Liam said, but Clara ignored him and walked towards Jenny, Charlie and Joe. Away from Liam – and all her feelings and hopes.
‘I don’t know where he’s gone,’ the older man said as he lifted up the black cloth draped over his table again. ‘They should be here. This is all wrong. There are special sections in the table. They should have gone into there.’
‘Is there anywhere you haven’t looked?’ Clara asked as Charlie began to cry and tugged on Clara’s skirt. She picked him up and he buried his face in her neck.
‘I’ve checked the shelves, my flat, the bins.’ The older man winced. ‘I’ve even looked in my wardrobe because – well, you know Figgy.’
‘Perhaps we should check in the street?’ Clara suggested just as there was a ding from the entrance and Eleanor weaved through the crowd and suddenly appeared carrying Bugs and guiding Figgy.
‘I found them in my flat!’ she said, shaking her head as Charlie yelled, ‘Figgy!’ and Clara put him down so he could run to the dog.
‘Bugs was sitting under my Christmas tree and the dog was sniffing my best boots. I’ve no idea how they got in,’ Eleanor explained.
‘Magic,’ Doris said as she wandered over to scratch Figgy behind the ears too. ‘We’d better be getting off, there’s a dance at Evergreen House this evening.’ She waved to Ethel and Stan who were putting on their coats. Then her gaze travelled to Clara. ‘Everything okay?’ she whispered.
‘It’s fine,’ Clara said. ‘But I need to go.’ She glanced towards the exit, but even more people were now blocking the path. ‘Joe, can you help me please?’
He gave her a relieved smile. ‘Your wish is my command.’
‘Make me disappear,’ Clara whispered.