Chapter 12 #2
Jed’s eyes widened and he put the pillow on the bed and folded his arms. ‘That’s not what happened,’ he said, but his eyes dropped from hers and his full lips slid into a frown.
‘Isn’t it?’ She had to work hard not to yell, but the words snapped out like twigs breaking under heavy boots.
She’d held onto her feelings for so many months.
Had waited for Jed to email her. Waited for him to tell her he didn’t blame her for the accident and was either over his resentment or ready to explain how he felt.
Only he hadn’t – and she’d begun to accept that his dad was right and he did blame her.
That he didn’t want her, that whatever love she felt wasn’t reciprocated.
She was used to it, after all. She’d lost everyone she’d loved, aside from Quinn. Rather than holding on, she’d decided to move on…
Then she’d come to Holly Berry Lodge, expecting Jed to jump at a divorce, only for him to tell her he didn’t want one. That he wasn’t particularly happy about her dating Harry.
‘I thought—’ His eyes slid up to hers, a turbulent blue swirl of confusion. ‘I thought you were moving on. I thought you were fine,’ he said. ‘You have your books, you’re successful – which is more than I am.’
He moved his arms to his sides as if he couldn’t decide where they fitted.
He looked uncomfortable in his skin – she’d never seen him look so awkward or unhappy.
Her heart went out to him, but she had to steel herself from doing something stupid.
‘And you’ve got a new boyfriend.’ His eyes glittered. ‘At least you want him to be.’
‘I thought you had a new girlfriend and I decided –’ Her voice wobbled.
‘– that you’d replaced me. That it was that easy.
’ She sucked in a breath. ‘Looks like we might both be wrong.’ It was the first time she’d admitted to Jed that she wasn’t interested in Harry.
She waited for a flicker of interest, but his expression changed again, flip-flopping back to annoyed.
‘I’m not good for you, Mairi,’ he said, and the ache in his voice had her pausing before she chose her next words.
‘What do you mean?’ she asked, turning to pick up the duvet cover and hugging it, because hell, she needed to hold onto something.
The ground was moving under her feet. All the assumptions she’d made were shifting in front of her eyes.
There was something going on here. Something he wasn’t telling her.
And suddenly it was imperative that he did.
Jed shoved his hands into his pockets and then took them out again and went to pick up the duvet before wagging a hand at the crisp white cover.
‘I’ll do it,’ he said sharply when she tried to help.
He turned away, as if he didn’t want her to look at him.
Maybe he was trying to gather his thoughts too?
‘You married a professional alpine skier,’ he said roughly as he shoved the duvet into the cover, pummelling it as if he wanted to punch something and it was convenient. ‘Four days later, you ended up with a washed-up, wounded, has-been.’
‘What?’ she asked, stunned. ‘And that was my fault?’ Grief, fury, pity surged into her throat leaving her confused and angry. His da had been telling the truth… Jed did blame her.
‘Of course not.’ His forehead squeezed.
‘But that’s why you wouldn’t see me, isn’t it?
’ She shook her head, feeling disappointment roil through her.
‘And that’s why you ignored me for eleven months?
’ She took a step away from him, afraid of the intense energy of her feelings.
She’d got so used to hiding them that it was more scary than liberating to finally let go.
To let the genie out of the bottle and watch it fly.
‘It wasn’t. Perhaps it would be easier if it was,’ Jed muttered, finishing putting the duvet cover on before throwing it onto the bed. Then he turned to face the window, giving them both a chance to gather their thoughts. ‘Being with me, it’s just not right for you.’
‘Marriage is for better or worse,’ she said finally. ‘That counts both ways.’
Jed laughed, only the sound was all wrong. ‘Not when it starts out worse. You have no idea how much worse,’ he added, his shoulders heaving.
‘What does that mean?’ she asked, confused.
He didn’t respond, instead he turned to gaze at her, his expression bleak. ‘Quinn never thought I was good enough for you. You think he’d be happy to hear we got hitched?’ His voice was filled with self-loathing.
‘Quinn has nothing to do with us, and we both know he’d come around, eventually.’ She shoved her hands into the pockets of her jeans because she wanted to reach for him and somehow knew he wouldn’t want that. ‘Jed,’ she said softly. ‘What’s going on?’
He jerked his chin. ‘You don’t get it. You never will. I came from nothing. I am nothing without the slopes.’ His blue eyes glittered and any heat that had been there earlier had frozen over. ‘I’ve got nothing to offer you except for problems.’
‘You’re my husband.’ She didn’t know what else to say.
‘Is this because you’re uncomfortable with my success?
’ She paced away from him as her brain whirred, trying to squirrel out the real reason for his rejection.
It couldn’t just be the accident and not being able to ski professionally – he wasn’t saying he blamed her either, so there must be more?
There must be something bigger that he wasn’t telling her. Because this didn’t make sense.
He snorted. ‘I’m so proud of you I almost burst every time you have a book published.’ He shook his head. ‘I read all of them.’
‘You do?’ Her eyes widened even though Douglas had said as much.
He shrugged. ‘You usually include at least one skier,’ he said, half smiling.
‘The hero I’m writing about now hates the snow,’ she muttered. And she’d found it difficult to bond with him – it might be another reason why she was finding the book so hard to finish. ‘I’ll be sure to credit you for the idea in the acknowledgements.’
He gazed at her. ‘There are so many sides to you – I had no idea.’
‘Aye, well, you never gave yourself the chance, did you?’ There was still heat in her voice, she could hear it. But it was better than grief. She could feel that in her chest too, in the limbs under her that suddenly wanted to tremble. But she held herself firm.
‘Jed, that can’t be it.’ She took a step towards him. ‘This isn’t just you thinking you’re not good enough for me. There must be something more? Do you blame me for the accident?’ She tried again – perhaps if she asked him the question enough times, he’d finally admit how he felt?
‘I… I told you, of course I don’t.’ His expression blanked, and any connection she’d started to feel had gone. ‘Where did you get that idea from?’
She wasn’t going to answer that – it might drive a wedge between Jed and his da. ‘So, why aren’t we together?’ she asked.
‘It’s—’ Jed studied her, his mouth pinching as if he were trying to hold something in.
‘Who knows. Maybe I’m not very good at sticking.
Perhaps I’m just like my da.’ His tone was flippant.
‘He barely gave me a second thought until I started winning on the slopes.’ He frowned.
‘And… now I can’t even do that. Perhaps the question you should be asking yourself is why you’d want to be with me? ’
‘So now you want to convince me that I don’t want you?
’ Mairi guessed. ‘Is that it? Because if I leave that will make your life easier – and it’ll confirm everything you believe.
If that’s the case, why won’t you give me a divorce?
If you’re really not good enough and I need to move on, surely the best thing to do is sign those papers?
’ Mairi knew she was pushing, but she had to know.
‘It would. I know…’ Jed let out a long breath before turning to face her. He stared for a few moments. ‘The thing is, I might not be good enough, Mairi – but I don’t know how to let you go.’
With that, he turned on his heels and headed out of the room, leaving her staring after him, wondering exactly what she was going to do now.