Chapter 13
JED
He had to get out of here. Jed shot out of the spare bedroom and sprinted down the hallway, almost tripping over Shadow, who miaowed his disapproval before flicking his tail in disgust. Yep. Jed knew exactly how he felt. That’s why he needed time to regroup.
What in eejit’s name had he been thinking?
Telling Mairi all of that. He’d almost confided about his da’s debt, how it was all his fault.
He knew not to share what he was feeling.
How many times had he told his father he missed him, only to be slapped back and told not to whine?
People didn’t want to know the truth. They wanted strength and perfection.
They wanted the roar of the winner, not the needy wail of the weak.
He ran down the stairs, forgetting to check for Greer. It was pure luck that she wasn’t around, probably stalking the corridors upstairs looking for guests to interrogate. He headed into the kitchen, glancing over his shoulder in case Mairi had decided to come after him.
She hadn’t, which probably meant she was embarrassed for him, horrified by all the things he’d said. He’d told her he wasn’t good enough for her. His stomach rolled. Jeez. Would she even be here when he got back? And why did that matter? If she left, wouldn’t it be for the best?
‘Lad!’ Douglas strode through the back door, his clothes peppered with snow. He was carrying a bag and almost bumped into Jed when he got to the kitchen counter. Would have done if Jed hadn’t deflected with a swift sidestep. At least he still had some moves left.
‘What’s the rush?’ The older man looked worried.
‘Everything alright with your Aunt Effie?’ He pulled a green bobble hat from his head, exposing a face with so many deep wrinkles you could probably play marbles in the crevices.
He had green eyes to go with his fluffy white hair and was quite handsome if you took the time to look.
With a jolt, Jed wondered if his aunt ever had.
‘She’s okay.’ Jed patted the older man’s shoulder as he shrugged off his ice-drenched jacket. ‘You were right about the flu. She’s got a temperature and she’s not going to be up for the rest of the day. Probably not tomorrow either. Where’s Midnight?’ He looked around.
Douglas grinned. ‘Adam said he’d look after him for an hour so I could pop home and make something for your aunt Effie.’ He patted his bag.
‘Oh, I’m not sure this is the right time for another invention,’ Jed warned. ‘If you could just help serve afternoon tea, that would be best.’ He eyed the bag Douglas was still patting nervously.
‘Aye.’ The older man opened the flap, pulled out a silver flask and gave Jed a wonky smile.
‘That’s fine, lad, actually I was talking about my beef broth.
’ He shook the flask. ‘It’s guaranteed to heal all ailments.
My grandmother taught me how to make it when I was a lad and I’ve added a few special ingredients just for Effie.
I used to make it for my wife when she was poorly. ’ His eyes were a little sad.
‘That’s…’ Jed nodded, relieved. ‘Thanks. I’m sure it’ll help. I’d better go and find Adam,’ he said, turning. ‘I think the dogs will both need feeding.’ He’d have to make his escape later. He glanced out of the window at the falling snow and sighed.
‘You look like you need a break,’ Douglas said. ‘How about I look after the dogs and keep an eye on Effie so you can get some fresh air?’
‘I can’t.’ Jed darted a look at the back door. He was about to refuse again, but then he heard Greer shout something in the hall and knew he needed some time alone. ‘But if you’re sure?’ he said softly.
‘I’m sure, lad.’ Douglas gave Jed a look that made him wonder if the older man understood far more than he’d realised.
‘Looks like you could do with a bit of time to yourself. But make sure you’re back in time for afternoon tea.
’ He glanced up when Greer shouted again and shuddered.
‘Don’t leave me alone with that woman for too long. ’
Jed jerked his chin and headed outside.
Jed stood with a heavy stomach at the top edge of Devil’s Run and stared into its icy depths.
If he could just get a few hundred metres down, it might be the first step to changing everything?
He could get his sponsorship back, pay his dad the money he’d lost, then he wouldn’t have to stay away from Mairi.
He might even be able to admit to Quinn – and everyone else – that they were married.
If she’d even have him after his confession earlier.
‘You going to jump this time?’ Jed heard Scott’s voice sing out from behind him and grimaced when the teenager slid across the snow until they were standing side by side.
‘Why are you here?’ Jed grumbled. He wanted to be alone. He couldn’t do this with an audience. He probably wouldn’t do it without one.
‘I knew you’d come back here today. I saw you leave the lodge,’ the boy admitted puffing out his chest, clearly proud that he’d got it right.
‘I told you, I want to learn from you. If you won’t teach me, then I’ll just watch.
You can’t stop me.’ He pushed out his fluffy chin in a gesture of defiance when Jed shook his head.
‘I’m not going to jump now,’ he said, pointing to the dark clouds in the far distance. He’d known about them when he was skiing here, but they were the perfect excuse for avoiding the narrow track today. ‘There’s a storm coming, I might get caught in it on the way down.’
The teen narrowed his eyes on the peaks of the mountains, squinting at the clouds. ‘Really?’ His tone indicated he wasn’t convinced. ‘It’ll be a while until it gets here. If you start now, there will be plenty of time to get to the bottom. Especially at your usual pace.’
Jed sucked in a breath. He couldn’t tell the boy that if he was going to do this, he’d need a lot more time to build up his nerve, or that he wasn’t sure if he ever would again.
‘Don’t you read the papers?’ he asked.
‘No. Da says they’re full of rubbish.’ Scott paused. ‘You once said in an interview that “life begins where fear ends.”’
Jed winced. He’d said a lot of things once.
‘Aye, well.’ He heaved out a long breath and looked down.
It would only take once. One leap into the unknown and everything would change.
He swallowed. ‘Fine, lad, but you’ll need to stand back.
’ He shifted backwards, felt his stomach roil, ignored the wobble in his limbs as he positioned himself in the correct place.
He could do this, he could. He thought about what his coach would have said when he’d had one and cleared his throat, forcing his legs to inch forward. One and then the other, and again. He could do this. He could. If he said it enough times, he could make it true.
He felt the blast of cold slap against his cheeks as he set off and began to gather pace, zigzagging back and forth, slicing through the ice with each noisy swish.
He ignored the terror as it clenched itself around his organs and squeezed.
He couldn’t breathe by the time he got to the edge of the first precipice.
He heard Scott shout and knew he’d miscalculated when he went over, leaving his stomach and any bravado he’d conjured behind.
He landed with a hard bump after what felt like an age but was probably only seconds.
He knew how to fall – years of practice meant it was ingrained.
He twisted himself into a better position as he began to slide, trying not to hit anything.
He felt one of his skis pop off, and realised he’d done something to his right knee.
But he kept his mouth clamped shut – he wasn’t going to wail or howl.
No one was going to know how much it hurt, how afraid he was or how fast his blood was pumping around his body, making him feel like he might faint.
No one needed to know that – despite the cold – there was a layer of sweat on his skin.
When Jed stopped sliding, he lay on his back staring at the sky. He watched something fly overhead and wished he could be somewhere else too. He shut his eyes and tried thinking about beaches, but his mind drifted to Mairi.
‘Are you okay?’ Scott asked seconds later, and when he opened them, the boy was standing over him, looking worried.
‘I’m good,’ he growled, shifting his body and wincing when his knee yowled. He hadn’t broken it – he knew that. But damn it hurt. The pain shot him back eleven months and misery engulfed him.
‘That was incredible!’ Scott exclaimed, punching the air.
‘I knew you could do it.’ He practically levitated on his skis as Jed levered himself into a sitting position.
‘It was the perfect start, I don’t know what happened after but—’ Scott shook his head, clearly too awestruck to articulate his thoughts on what had gone wrong.
Jed knew, though. He knew he couldn’t do it anymore.
His head was messed up and he had no clue how to put it right.
No idea how he was ever going to get back what he’d lost. Or pay off his da’s crippling debt.
Worry clawed at his throat, chipping away at any confidence he’d nurtured, concern that no matter how many days went by, he’d never be able to find his way back to who he once was.
‘You need to get up.’ The boy looked up as snow began to flutter around them. ‘The storm is almost here. We shouldn’t stay much longer. I promised dad I’d meet him back at the lodge for afternoon tea. He might worry.’
Had his da ever worried about him? Jed grunted, dismissing the thought.
He had to move soon, he’d promised Douglas.
He just wasn’t sure if he’d be able to walk.
‘You go ahead.’ He wasn’t going to put himself through the humiliation of trying to get up with an audience.
At least when he’d had the accident, he’d been unconscious.
‘I’m not leaving you,’ Scott insisted. ‘We both need to go.’ He looked up again and this time excitement had been replaced by concern. ‘I’m not going to learn anything from you if you freeze to death.’
‘Aye, well, I think I just want to sit here for a moment longer,’ Jed told him. ‘It’s pretty.’ He cleared his throat.
‘You can’t get up, can you?’ Scott cocked his head looking worried. ‘You’ve hurt your knee.’
Jed’s lips pinched and he flushed. ‘I’m fine,’ he growled. Why wouldn’t everyone just leave him alone? He glanced around searching for his poles.
‘They’re over there,’ Scott said, reading his mind. ‘I’ll get them.’ He skied into a small copse of trees and returned moments later holding them. Then he stared at Jed, his expression intense. ‘You once said, “you’re not a failure if you admit you need help,”’ he said quietly.
‘No, I didn’t,’ Jed shot back. ‘Did I?’ That definitely didn’t sound like him – and even if he had said it, it wasn’t true.
The boy grinned, his teeth as bright as snow.
‘Aye, you’re right, you didn’t. But you’re not going to get off this mountain without my help.
’ He handed him the poles and held out an arm – Jed frowned at it.
‘Go on,’ Scott coaxed. ‘In return you can coach me to go faster. Just tell me everything I shouldn’t do.
That way, I might get it right.’ He snorted.
Jed let out a reluctant laugh, the kid was cocky alright.
But he couldn’t remember the last time he’d cracked a genuine smile after bailing so spectacularly.
Considering he was doing it while sitting on his bum with fire leaping through his knee was insane.
But perhaps it was the first step to recovery?
If you couldn’t laugh, you were dead inside, right?
And he’d been dead inside for way too long. At least he had until Mairi had arrived at Holly Berry Lodge and revived him.
‘Fine,’ he said, grabbing the boy’s arm and planting one of the poles in the snow to help him stand.
Scott was right. He wasn’t going to get off the slope on his own and for the first time in a long time, he decided it might not be better for everyone – including himself – if he lay there and froze.