Chapter 31
In the sanctuary of her cottage home, too tired even to make a cup of tea for herself, Cath headed straight upstairs, and ran a deep, hot bubbly bath.
Boy, that was some day! She couldn’t wait to take off her turkey-and-gravy-scented clothes, peel her slightly sweaty – she had to admit – socks from her aching feet and soak herself in the suds, like the many dishes she’d just washed.
She checked the water temperature, and then dived in, sinking down into the hot pool. Aah, it was soooo good, breathing in spiced-orange-scented perfumed popping bubbles, and letting the warmth wash over her.
All that planning, all that work. It had been hard, and a bit expensive, even with the fund-raising raffle and various donations, but she didn’t begrudge a penny of it.
Seeing those party-hatted smiling faces today, the many empty plates, hearing the stories of the hall, the games of charades and the impromptu dancing had all been wonderful.
But lying there, the event over, Cath felt a little lost all of a sudden. What now? What next for her?
She’d had so much to keep her mind busy the last few weeks. It was like she’d put her own hopes and dreams on hold whilst she’d organised all this – and that was fine. But reality was now about to hit.
All those people she and the supper club gang had brought together today, that had been so lovely, but suddenly it seemed in stark contrast to her life living alone.
With no Will in the picture now, she felt strangely adrift.
Christmas was coming up fast, in just three days’ time, and she shouldn’t feel ungrateful.
She had her supper club friends, of course, but they’d have their own festive plans and their families to be with.
And there was no way she’d have put pressure on Adam to change his plans and spend this Christmas up here with her.
It was good that he was feeling more settled down in Leeds, and supported by his dad.
But that didn’t mean it wasn’t hard on Cath.
It was good that Trevor had invited his son for Christmas dinner with him and Steph.
She’d heard from Adam that Trev’s new partner had gone to a lot of trouble, ordering in a big fresh turkey and was going all out.
Cath needed to sit with that, and keep schtum, even if it felt difficult to not be a part of Adam’s Christmas this year.
She was still, and would always be, a huge part of his life, even as he entered adulthood.
If Adam wanted to stay down in Leeds for Christmas, then that was fine.
She’d bloody well miss him, of course, but perhaps he might just make it to Tilldale for a day or two between Christmas and New Year, or she could go down for a day trip herself. They’d chat tomorrow, and find a way to make things work.
Her new cottage home, even if she was to be on her own, was absolutely the place to be for her first Christmas in Tilldale. Maybe it was all that had recently happened with Will that had made things feel so unsettled, she mused. She slipped further into the suds with a tired sigh.
A mere week ago, thoughts of them going on romantic walks in the snow or snuggling up over hot chocolate or mulled wine had crept into her mind.
She should never have let them in – have let him in.
It hurt too damn much when it all went wrong again.
Whatever happened to her learning her lesson.
Had she not heard once bitten, twice shy?
She’d let her heart rule her head in a moment of madness and look where it had left her.
Yes, she was missing Will and she knew it.
But it wasn’t going to happen now. There was no future for the two of them.
He was still grieving, his family in pain, and she wasn’t going to add to that.
Time to step away, other than the occasional supper club event as a group. That was it. Simple.
Except in reality, it wasn’t simple at all.
*
She was heading downstairs in her dressing gown, for a pre-bed camomile tea before a much-needed early night, when her phone buzzed to life.
It was Susie on the line. ‘Hey, how did it all go, sis? Been thinking about you today, taking all that on with your big lunch.’
‘Ah, it went off brilliantly. Really, couldn’t have been better.’
‘That’s great to hear.’
‘I’m shattered now though,’ Cath confessed.
‘I bet you are. Well, a big well done to you and your helpers.’
‘Thanks.’
‘Oh, and how are things going with Lover Boy? Are you still feeling it in your fingers and your toes?’ she quipped merrily.
Cath hadn’t even started to tell her sister anything that had happened recently. It had all felt a bit raw, and with the lunch event imminent, she’d had enough on her mind.
‘It’s not …’
‘What?’
‘Going anywhere.’ There, she’d said it.
‘Oh, Cath. What’s happened?’
She took a deep breath, and then it began to spill out. The whole sorry tale of helping with the Christmas tree, of being there at totally the wrong time, of upsetting Sophie and no doubt Maddie too. Feeling like the Wicked Witch of the West in the middle of their grief zone.
‘But the daft thing is, it’s not that Will doesn’t care for me. I know he does. I just don’t know how to deal with all that hurt and grief. How can I compete with a ghost?’
‘Oh, Cath.’
‘Actually, I don’t mean it like that.’ Frustration had sharpened her words. ‘I know it’s not a damned competition, far from it. But dammit, I’ve really fallen for him. And I don’t know how to break through his wall of grief.’
‘I’m so sorry, Cath. It really sounded like you were getting on well.’
‘That’s the crazy thing. We were. We are.
But ah, I feel so, I don’t know … frustrated and cross about it all.
It’s not their fault, or mine. I do know that.
But surely, they know better than most that life is too damn short.
And I didn’t know Jane, but I bet Will holing himself up and being miserable isn’t what she would have wanted for him or her family, for the rest of their lives.
Urgh, it’s so damned complicated. There are so many feelings and so much hurt there.
’ Well, that outpouring let the cat spill out of its bag.
‘Gosh. I’m not sure what to say, Cath. I’m giving you a huge hug down the phone right now.’
‘Thanks.’ Cath took a breath, holding herself together for now.
‘And are you still up there for Christmas? Are you on your own?’ Susie asked gently.
‘Uh-hah.’
‘You know you can come to us. It’s not too late to hop in the car, come and stay here. In fact, we’d love that. I always buy far too much food. And it’s only us and Mark’s parents for Christmas dinner.’
There was a second where Cath was tempted, but she’d really wanted to be here in her own little cottage in her Northumberland village for her first Christmas, even if it wasn’t going to be the easiest of times. In truth, she was absolutely knackered too.
‘Ah, that’s lovely of you, Suze. But I’m shattered, I think all I need is a few quiet days here over Christmas. I’ll be fine, honestly.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Sure.’ Well, if she said it enough times to herself, she would be.