12. Maureen
Chapter twelve
Maureen
I want to renegotiate.
The words reverberated in my head, churned in my belly.
I want to renegotiate.
Will stared, waiting for my response.
If I’d had any doubt whether he still affected me, it dissolved the moment he stepped into my doorway, all rugged appeal with refined edges. Ruddy winter cheeks. V-neck sweater stretching tautly across his lithe chest, hints of chest hair peeking out. Gray eyes blazing behind thick lashes. I itched to run my palm along the dark five o’clock shadow sprouting along his face and neck.
Luckily, I was a pro at maintaining my composure. And a neutral expression.
We stepped into the hallway, ensuring the kids were out of earshot while still keeping an eye on them. Voices rose from the living room fifty feet away. His breath tickled the skin of my jaw as he stepped close and whispered, “We’ve avoided each other for a year.” He inhaled before sighing breathily. “Maureen, it’s not working.”
I squeezed my eyes shut for a second. That voice. Holy fuck.
Hello, Billy from Musicbox. Billy from Denny’s. The wispy hairs on the back of my neck stood at attention. I swallowed roughly. “What do you mean, ‘it’s not working?’”
He peered at me. “I’ve steered clear of you since last Christmas, like you asked me to. But I can’t stop thinking about… There’s still this…tension…between us—” He pulled back as a woman came into the hallway to use the bathroom. After she’d gone in and shut the door, not paying us any mind, he continued, “Not knowing whether I’m going to see you when I see James hasn’t made it better.”
His deep voice vibrated in my ear and, alarmingly, heated my blood. I understood his sentiment. Knowing he was out there on the edge of my life this past year, I’d worried I might run into him any time I visited my sister. I hadn’t been able to simply leave him in the past.
However, whether we needed to amend our agreement to reduce the “tension,” my immediate concern was getting control over my unwanted reaction to him. Leaning away, I rested my hip against the hallway wall. “I won’t deny it’s been strange.” I folded my arms across my chest. “Knowing I might see you unexpectedly. Kind of like waiting for a jack-in-the-box to pop.”
His eyes lowered, focusing on my neck. My pulse beat so rapidly I imagined he could see it.
He opened his mouth to reply, but we were interrupted by Vivienne, coming to collect her two youngest children. Unaware of the loaded conversation she’d interrupted, she gave Will a quick hug hello before turning to me.
“How’d they do?” she asked, reaching over to pet the dog.
I cleared my throat and took another step away from Will. “Great. We’ve been having a mini fashion show.”
She grinned at the sight of her kids sprawled out on my bed. “Sounds fun. Thanks again.”
“Anytime.”
“Mama, I really like these bracelets.” Connor raised his arm to show the jeweled circles of all different shapes and sizes he’d layered up to his elbow.
“Those are very pretty, sweetheart,” his mom said. “Maybe we can buy you some bracelets next time we go to the store.”
He glanced down at his arm. In a small voice, he asked, “Like these?”
“Whatever ones you like. I’m sure Scarlett will help you decide.”
Scarlett grinned and rubbed her brother’s hand. “We’ll find cheek ones.”
The little girl giggled at her own joke, but her brother’s face remained serious. “Will you write that on my calendar?” he questioned his mother.
“Of course I will.”
Vivienne turned her attention back to me and Will, shaking her head and gesturing to Connor. “It’s an adventure every day with this one. He doesn’t mind having fifteen bracelets clanking on his arm, but if he so much as touches a microfiber towel, it’s sensory overload.” She laughed at Scarlett trying to fit even more bracelets on her brother as Bambi carefully observed. “But I couldn’t ask for better kids.”
“They’re sweethearts,” I agreed, squeezing Vivienne on the shoulder. “I hope you’ll let them hang out with me more while I’m staying here. In fact, I’d be happy to take all four kids sometime, so you and Trav could grab a date night.”
“I’ll never say no to that,” Vivienne said, eventually herding her offspring back toward the living room.
Will stayed behind. I understood he wanted to continue our conversation, but I felt too unmoored. “I know we have to talk, but I can’t yet,” I stated firmly. “You kind of brought up the whole renegotiating thing out of the blue. I need some time to get my thoughts together.”
Before he could say anything, I moved back into my room and closed the door behind me. Turning around, I slumped heavily against it and sank to the floor, gathering my knees in my arms. I felt the lurch of him resting his fist on the opposite side before his footsteps eventually retreated down the hall.
I busied myself putting my accessory collection away. After carefully separating the jewelry and folding the scarves, I fell on my bed, hugging a pillow. I’d channeled my inner badass last year when I saw Will and could surely do so again. I wasn’t ready to be soft with him. But the way his whispering in my ear sent shivers down my spine showed he could get to me if I allowed it.
My phone buzzing interrupted my thoughts.
WILL: I’ve been told that I snore.
Huh? Was that a mistake? Had he been randomly texting someone about his sleeping habits while I’d been stressing out in my bedroom? What the hell? I paused before typing the only possible reply.
ME: ???
He was ready for me, his response instantaneous.
WILL : I snore. Also, I’m terrible about sticking to a workout schedule. It makes me self-conscious of my calves. I’m basically a human cricket with tiny stick legs.
ME: ???
WILL: I can’t cook anything properly. I can produce burned grilled cheese and maybe some watery scrambled eggs on a good day, but it’s usually takeout or microwave meals for me.
I couldn’t help it. I smiled.
ME: What is this Will?
WILL: I’m not trying to deny your need to process. I just want to take the edge off. Maybe give us a light start to talking. Staying away isn’t good. It’s making me build things up in my head. I’m guessing it’s the same for you. If you know the stupid, mundane bad stuff about me, maybe it will help.
I stared at my screen. The three dots appeared and disappeared a few times before his next message came through.
WILL: Marley and James are getting married. You’re going to know me whether you want to or not.
And that was the core. Staying away from him, worrying about seeing him, had only amplified our situation. Made the inevitable interactions loom larger.
I clutched my phone to my chest. I wanted to keep hating him. He didn’t even know the full reason. Didn’t know I’d drunk myself stupid over him. Didn’t know my mouth had tasted like cotton balls for months afterward. Didn’t know I’d never had a second date with anyone after that night—just as I’d never had a second date with him. Hate was easy.
Letting my guard down was hard.
But here we were. He was part of my life. And no amount of pretending or avoiding would change that.
ME: Okay
WILL: Okay?
ME: Let’s renegotiate
WILL: *smiley face emoji*
WILL: Just let me know when you are ready to talk. Hopefully soon. *fingers crossed emoji*
ME: Will?
WILL: Yeah?
ME: Sometimes I go four or five days without flossing.
Ten minutes later, I found myself in the kitchen waiting for Will to join me. I hadn’t wanted to invite him to my bedroom. Too intimate. I figured we’d be able to snatch a few moments alone since most of the partygoers had made their way outside, eager to sample the buffet set out along the patio’s edge.
A small window in the laundry room allowed some visibility to the backyard.
The food tables held a mix of favorites we’d ordered from local restaurants, along with the potluck items guests insisted on bringing. The twinkle lights Katy and I had wrapped around the outdoor heaters and greenery sparkled merrily. We’d also hung large glass ball ornaments from the patio cover, designating a section for dancing. An Ed Sheeran ballad played over the sound system, tempting a dozen couples to the makeshift dance floor. There were soft clinks as plates filled and glasses tipped together in celebration. A magical, soft glow overlaid the scene as the sun set, moonlight bouncing off the snow piled against the fence.
Yet the cheerful conversation and laughter floating into the kitchen took a back seat to the humming in my brain. I couldn’t stop thinking about Will. I wanted to be okay with him. But did that mean I had to pretend he’d never burned me?
Not a chance.
I paced between the countertops. I supposed I could be slightly less hostile when we were around one another. It seemed wise to have less volatility between us. By the time Will arrived, I’d resigned myself to the necessity of doing just that.
He tapped lightly on the archway to alert me to his presence. “Hey, Maureen.” Although he kept his hands in his pockets, his eyes flashed. “Thanks for agreeing to talk.”
I stopped pacing. “You mean renegotiate ?”
He grinned, its warmth reaching his entire face. “Yeah.” A nervous chuckle worked its way from his throat. “So, uh, here we are…again.” He spoke quietly, and I recalled our close moment in the kitchen last year. “I know we weren’t ready to have a talk like this last Christmas, but I’m hoping we can get to a better place now.”
He was so guileless. Considerate. I resented it even as I acknowledged the truth. Good thing I’d worked out how I felt before he’d come in. Being near him threatened to short-circuit my brain.
It wasn’t only because of what happened five years ago. I also struggled to reconcile those memories with everything else I knew about Will.
I had learned quite a bit about him from Marley and James over the past twelve months. Stories about how he’d been good to James in high school, the lone rich kid willing to be friends with the scholarship student. How he’d stood with James at their reunion last year, helping him face their former bullies.
And there were things I’d seen for myself. Will had respected my request to keep his distance—I knew he’d intentionally made sure we didn’t see each other on the Fourth of July. When James’s parents’ house in Seattle flooded last spring, Will let James and Marley stay at his condo for three weeks so they could be nearby to provide support. He’d picked Miranda up at the airport once when Marley got stuck in traffic and I was out of town. With time, it had only grown more undeniable that Will was just as much the personable, kind man I’d met at Musicbox as he was the villain who’d lied to me about having a fiancée.
Not to mention, I continued to find him criminally attractive. All that tousled dark hair surrounding a glass-cut jaw, on top of a strong, wiry physique. And goddamn, could he dress. His jeans fit like a glove, his trendy faux crocodile loafers a perfect complement.
He rolled his shoulders and pulled a hand from one pocket to pull on the neck of his sweater. Another self-conscious bit of laughter escaped him before he said, “I’m not sure how to start.”
Propping myself against the counter, I remained as far away as possible while still in range to have a hushed conversation. “Maybe we start with what exactly you want to renegotiate.” I exhaled and rushed out, “I think I can commit to being nicer to you.”
Will raised an eyebrow. “Nicer?” He drew out the two syllables into about fourteen.
I nodded faintly as I regarded him, unfolding my arms to rest my elbows behind me. “Yeah, dum-dum— nicer . You know, less snappy.”
“Ah, I see. Well, I guess being called ‘dum-dum’ isn’t too snappy . It’s certainly better than worrying you’re about to google how to dispose of a body.” He grinned. “Although, I’m kind of fond of your don’t-fuck-with-me attitude.”
I pinched my lips together to stop a smile from forming. “You are, huh?”
“You know I am, Maureen.” His tone sobered. “That night at the bar, when you took down that frat bro, it drew me—”
“Alright.” I interrupted. “Like I said, I can be nicer. But it’s all contingent on keeping that part of our original deal intact. We don’t talk about that night. As long as you stay quiet about our history, I’m good.”
“Sorry. I shouldn’t have brought up… Anyway, thank you. This is exactly what I was hoping for.”
“Really?”
“Course.” He reached up to brush a curl off his forehead. “I don’t want to worry about being with James and Marley and needing to avoid you, or having to stay away from events. My friendship with James is important to me, and I want to be in his life without pissing off his future sister-in-law.”
Standing in the same spot we’d been in last Christmas, I acknowledged to myself that I didn’t feel the rage I’d felt then. I’d probably always be angry with Will on some level, and I’d live with the sting of that humiliating day in the hotel lobby until I died, but there was no escaping that getting to know Will through Marley’s and James’s eyes had softened me toward him.
“We’re okay,” I said, voice quivering only slightly, and I extended my arm to shake on it.
He took my palm in his, and I felt the evidence of his missing fingers. I wondered vaguely if we’d ever get to a place where he’d tell me what happened. But as he held my hand, I stopped noticing the scars and became fixated instead on looking down at his thumb as it pressed against mine.
The noise from the party sounded miles away. For stretched-out seconds, I allowed myself to acknowledge it, my response to his touch. The heat in my core. The flutters in my stomach. I’d forgotten how good it could feel to be affected by someone. Even this complicated man I had such a torturous history with.
As the pad of his thumb grazed along my skin, burning with each pass, I felt that empty well within me, the one only he had ever filled. And I must have let his touch linger too long, because a second later, I heard Will’s rough swallow. I looked up and saw the exact moment he registered the evidence in my eyes.
The evidence of something he hadn’t expected to see.
Desire.
“Oh my god,” he blurted.
Shit! I snatched my hand back quickly and gazed down, but not before I registered his astonishment.
“Maureen?” Will clasped his fingers together behind his head, wearing a stunned expression of both elation and disbelief. “Wow… Okay. I never thought—”
I struggled to hear him, still processing how I’d responded to his touch. He had to know that didn’t mean anything, right? “Huh?”
“Not to take a mile when I’m grateful for the inches…but…” He released a deep, steadying breath, leaning away as though preparing to take a punch. “If there’s a chance—”
His stammering tore me from my thoughts. I raised my face, eyes narrowing swiftly.
“You don’t have to say yes,” he continued hurriedly, Adam’s apple working as he gulped. “I know you’ve already given me more than I deserve. And I hadn’t planned to say this, but I’m just going to put it out there. If you’re ever willing, I’d love to get to know you again. Spend some time together.”
My jaw dropped. What? This was way beyond taking a mile.
I’d just told him I could maybe stand to be a little nicer to him. And now he was asking for…what exactly?
Spend some time together . The fuck?
So what if I’d had a teensy weensy, itty bitty, so-slight-you-could-barely-notice-it reaction to his touch?
My head swam. Why did I always feel like this around him? Never able to get the upper hand. Just as I was about to give him an epic set-down, Leo came into the kitchen, my sister Miranda following.
Thankfully, they seemed oblivious to the heavy air in the room.
“We can finish this later,” I said to Will, casually enough Leo and my sister probably thought they’d caught us discussing the weather or our Netflix queues.
“It’s almost time to have cake and do the champagne toast,” Miranda said excitedly. “You two will help us get it all ready, right?”
Leo was only marginally more measured when he added, “I brought the cake from Seattle. I think the happy couple will love it.” He snapped his fingers and made wide eyes at Miranda. “I didn’t bring any candles. Is that okay? For an engagement party? It’s not like a birthday, is it?”
“I think you’re good, Leo-Bear. No candles required.”
“Leo-Bear?” Will smirked at his friend’s brother.
“I dunno.” Leo slung a long, muscled arm around Miranda’s shoulders, his massive Viking-like stature making her appear even more spritely. “She started calling me that a while back, and now it’s just this thing we do. Isn’t that right, Miranda-Panda?”
“That still makes no sense,” she retorted, smiling up at him. I’d gotten used to their friendship over the past year, but I guessed Will had never seen it up close. Miranda and Leo met last Christmas at the talent show and had become fast friends, getting together in Seattle whenever Miranda flew in or out—Leo lived south of the airport in Tacoma—and I knew they texted regularly, too. It tracked since Leo was marginally less effusive, but they were both giant, combustible balls of sunshine.
Miranda pointed at a box on top of the fridge. “There are plastic flute glasses in there for the champagne toast. I thought it would be more special than using plain plastic cups. And I wanted to do something nice for Marley since I’ll be stuck at school from after Christmas until basically the wedding day.”
Leo patted her on the back. “Don’t worry, Mir. Marley knows you love her no matter what. She understands school is important. Especially since you’re finally graduating,” he added with a snicker.
“What are you studying?” Will asked Miranda. “I don’t think I’ve ever asked.”
“Business. I’m finishing my MBA.” Will couldn’t disguise his surprise. “I know, I know.” Miranda laughed. “Everyone thinks since I like to travel and do outdoor things, and I’m so—let’s say peppy—I must be an airhead. Or at least something other than a business major. But I love numbers and problem-solving.”
I leaned over and kissed my sister on the top of her head. “She’s getting her degree in bits and pieces because she can’t turn down the chance to go hiking in Guatemala or rafting in Wyoming. She even spent a month last year volunteering to build houses in Mexico.” I couldn’t help the pride in my voice.
“It’s awesome,” Leo said. “Miranda has the best stories.” He winked at her. “I love doing construction and working with my hands, especially when I can be outside. But I’ve never been anywhere interesting. Unless you count Disneyland.”
“I love Disneyland.” Miranda booped him on the nose.
Good lord. Being around these two was going to give me a toothache. While James would officially be our brother-in-law, we’d certainly be getting a two-fer with Leo. He was the brother Miranda always wanted. Or maybe he was more like the pet dog she used to beg our mom for and never got.
I glanced at Will. I couldn’t believe he’d dared suggest we spend some time together .
He looked back and gave me a small, tentative smile. I scowled at him. To my astonishment, his smile remained.
Although he tried to hide it.