Chapter 22 #3
Seeing my boyfriend so committed to this act with Naomi reminded me again how I’d allowed myself to become a ghost in my relationship. Knowing I was going to end things with Stone, I found it easier to sit with my reaction to the picture. I’d be off this train soon.
But Leo didn’t know that.
“Panda,” he whispered. “Please. I hate this for you. Hate that he makes you feel this way. This isn’t something you should have to live with.”
It had been a long time since Leo voiced that sentiment out loud, even though his objections to Stone had never diminished. Part of me wanted to inform him that I’d decided to end my relationship, but Stone deserved to know first.
“It’s fine, Bear. I’m fine. Promise.”
His expression fell. He’d heard—and obviously misinterpreted—the resignation in my voice.
“I don’t believe you,” he said, gritting his teeth.
“I see how this is getting to you, and now I have to wonder how many times it happens when I don’t see it.
” The camera angle changed, and he placed his laptop on the coffee table.
His disembodied torso filled my screen as he stood.
“How many times have these pictures made you miserable?” he demanded, arms waving in front of him.
“You’re asking a lot of me to watch this and not be infuriated on your behalf. ”
“Who’s asking you to do that? Certainly not me.” As much as I understood that Leo was coming from a good place, this wasn’t what I needed right now. My tone pitched higher. “I don’t need you to lecture me about Stone.”
“Are you sure?” he growled, flopping back down on the couch. “Because it feels like someone needs to. I thought staying quiet was the right thing to do. But maybe that makes me a terrible friend. Maybe I should have been pushing you on this all along.”
I huffed. “I guarantee you I do not appreciate being pushed. Not then, and definitely not now. This”—I flicked my finger back and forth between my chest and the camera—“isn’t helping.
You’ve made your position clear. I know exactly where you stand on my relationship with Stone.
No good can come from your reminding me. Now you’re just making me angry.”
“But what kind of friend am I to just…just…stand by while—”
“The kind of friend who respects my will! The kind of friend who truly knows me, and who knows my mind. Dammit, Leo! I don’t need you to tell me I’m wrong. Or right. I’m a grown woman, and I get to make choices all on my own, even if you disagree with them. Even if they turn out to be wrong!”
“So I’m supposed to just watch you teeter on the edge of a cliff and say nothing?”
I tried to slow the beating of my heart. “Maybe not every cliff, but when it comes to Stone, you have to trust me to make my own decisions. Even if it means watching me fall.”
“I don’t know if I can do that anymore,” he rasped. “Sometimes it feels like I’m enabling you.”
Something about the way he said it—like I was a recalcitrant teenager he needed to steer away from bad life choices—rubbed a raw place in me.
It scratched below the surface of the Miranda who made a point of never being too much.
The happy, perky, undramatic, flat-dimensioned Barbie most of the world saw.
“The only thing you’re enabling right now is my getting pissed at you—”
“Why?! You’re only pissed because you know I’m right. And because you know I’m going to love you all the way through it. Besides, I’m not the one you’re mad at—”
“Leo, you need to stand down—”
“If you need to make me the bad guy because you don’t feel like you can yell at Stone, then do it! Get pissed at me. I can take it. But don’t pretend you don’t see this situation for what it is!”
“And what’s that?” I folded my arms, feeling my blood race through my veins.
“Totally fucked up! It’s time to call it! Get out. You don’t have to put up with this shit. You have options—”
His words cut off abruptly as his chest rose and fell.
Options.
An unspoken understanding reared up between us. A heavy burden fueled by countless conversations and nights spent in each other's arms. But this time, the truth of it wasn’t just in my mind. It was written across his face as well.
We would be together if he weren’t asexual.
And even though it was irrational, I suddenly felt angry with Leo for not being able to give me what I wanted from him.
That was why I couldn't let him have the satisfaction of telling him I knew Stone was bad for me, that I’d already decided to end things.
Leo wasn’t wrong. He was the only person I ever allowed myself to go off on, because I knew he would never walk away from me. But at that moment, that knowledge made me bitter.
I resented loving him almost as much as I loved him.
“Don’t fucking tell me I have options! Not about Stone. Not about anyone. Since you can’t give me what I need, you don’t get a say in what comes next!”
He reared back as if I’d slapped him, and I felt the echo of my words like a physical force.
For nearly two years, I’d been so careful never to make him feel deficient for being who he was, to never push on his most sensitive nerve. And now, I’d gone and done exactly that.
“Leo—”
He shook his head aggressively. “I wish… I wish I could give you everything, Miranda. More than anything, I wish that.”
I felt the heat under my skin drop from a boil to a simmer. “Okay. Let’s take a step back. I’m sor—”
“No,” he said softly. “No. Don’t do that. You’re so good at making things neat. And I’m telling you that it is okay to rage. You always put the pins back in the grenades. You don’t need to make me comfortable. I can take it.”
My shoulders trembled.
“What do you want me to do?” I asked dully. “Call you names? Curse you out?”
“No. I want you to know it’s okay to be mad. If you get mad enough, maybe you’ll demand more for yourself.”
My molars clenched. “I’m going to do exactly what I think is right. I’m clear on your position, but I can take it from here.”
“Shutting me down won’t make this any better.”
“Oh, and fighting with you will?”
“I prefer that to your accepting being treated like shit.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I feel like I have to keep trying here. Even if you hate me for it.”
“Well, I don’t want to get to that point.”
I’d said something awful, and Leo’s reaction was to love me through it. He thought he was making me see the light about Stone, but all he’d really done was show me how much he cared.
I couldn’t shut off wanting him.
And that was probably the only thing I could ever hate him for.
He blew out a careful breath. “You know I’m not judging you, Miranda. Or your choices. I’m just worried about you.”
“Well, you don’t have to be.” He needed to stop being so understanding. “I don’t know why I called. And I’m not really mad about the picture—”
“Are you trying to convince me or yourself?”
“You know what, Leo? I can’t deal with this right now. And that’s on me. Because I’m the one who called. I shouldn’t have.”
“I never said that.”
“Just stop, okay? Let’s just hang up and cool down and talk later.”
He paused before finally nodding. “Alright. I’ll call you tomorrow. Happy Halloween.”
“Night, Leo.”
We hung up, and I went to bed. Feeling like utter shit. Surprisingly, I fell asleep quickly. Then again, I’d never wanted to put a cap on a day more.
Stone came in during the night, bearing flowers and apologetic words. I huffed and rolled over.
In the morning, I slept late. He was eating breakfast when I came out of the bedroom. His duffel sat by the door.
“You’re leaving?”
“In about an hour,” he replied, munching a spoonful of cereal. “I wish we had more time, but I have to jump on a Zoom in five minutes.” He padded over and gave me a kiss on the forehead.
I studied his big smile and his sweet, uncomplicated face. After my fight with Leo, I wasn’t in the mental headspace to break up with him. It would need to wait until the next time he was in town. I supposed that was okay. It had kept this long.
“Sorry I got in so late last night, babes,” he offered sheepishly. “There were a lot more VIPs at the party than I was expecting, and Naomi offered to make a few introductions.”
I snorted. “It’s fine. Since you’re jumping on a call, I’m gonna grab a shower.”
Stone was sitting at the kitchen island, sipping coffee, when I came out of the bedroom twenty minutes later.
“Meeting over?” I asked.
“Rescheduled.” He shrugged. “Oh—Leo called while you were in the shower.”
Memories of last night rolled over me. Acid churned in my throat, reminding me of words I desperately wished I could take back. Willing myself to act nonchalant, I asked, “You picked up?”
“Yeah. I know he’s basically your family, and since he knows about me, I figured it was okay. In case it was an emergency, you know, since he was calling and not texting.”
“I understand. But…what did he say?”
“Nothing. Said he'd text later."
Stone left for LAX after eleven. Hopefully, he’d get a few days off soon to come home so I could do what needed to be done.
But my impending breakup wasn’t the main thing on my mind. For the rest of the day and into the night, I paced around my apartment, picking up my phone and putting it down. Alternately waiting for Leo’s text and dreading it.
But he never texted.
Not that day.
Or the next.
Or the next.
No calls either.
And I was too scared to call him. Too scared that I might discover I’d lost the best thing in my life.
I went to work, trying to be friendly with my still-chilly coworkers. I went on a hike outside the city and posted the pictures to @theadventurousmiranda. That made me feel worse.
Weeks passed, and I felt hollower and hollower.
I was so good at faking, I didn’t think anyone noticed.
Marley and Maureen seemed hesitant about leaving me alone for Thanksgiving, but I assured them I was looking forward to it and too bogged down with work, anyway.
My college friends invited me to a Friendsgiving, but putting on a cheerful face for them was an absolute nonstarter.
Stone never got away for a visit. I muddled through a few calls with him, but mostly I brooded and let the empty feeling take hold. The thought that I might have pushed Leo too far had me reeling.
The night before Thanksgiving, halfway through a vodka bottle and at the bottom of a french fry carton, I opened my Instagram app and began scrolling through my photos.
I might not be happy, but if there was one thing I was good at, it was pretending.