Chapter Nineteen #2
‘Some people talk and some people listen,’ I said when he didn’t reply. ‘I’m a listener, I take stuff in, always have.’
‘But who listens to you?’
I looked over to see him staring at me with the sort of quiet awe that might’ve been too much if he hadn’t been holding a pair of tiny, bedazzled bagpipes at the same time. This time, I was the one who had nothing to say.
‘Anyone who isn’t in total awe of you ought to have his bollocks removed,’ he added. ‘With a rusty scalpel, no anaesthetic.’
‘If that was the case, I’d never be out of theatre.
’ I said, thinking of all the times friends had tried to set me up with someone, only for that someone to cancel at the last minute or tap out after one drink.
‘It’s intimidating to a lot of people, I suppose.
They’re always cool about male surgeons but something about female surgeons still freaks a lot of people out. ’
‘I was about to say, try being a male pastry chef but it’s not quite the same, is it?’
‘You say it as though a dessert hasn’t saved my life more than once,’ I laughed. ‘No, I hear you. Men should be cooking big hunks of meat or having a nervous breakdown over spaghetti sauce like Carmy in The Bear, surely?’
‘Yes but you’ll not hear a single straight male chef complain about Carmy,’ Callum chuckled. ‘More of my friends got dates after that show aired than you would believe.’
‘Dates?’ I raised an eyebrow.
‘I’m being polite because there are ladies present,’ he said, leaning in and lowering his voice. ‘There were guys in my kitchen who went out and got tattoos same as his just to up their chances.’
‘You can admit you’re talking about yourself,’ I said and he guffawed with laughter.
‘Did you see any tattoos when you walked in on me the other day?’
The unexpected reminder of our first meeting brought a flush to my skin.
‘Tell me.’ Callum brushed past me to hang the shimmering bagpipes on the tree and I shivered from head to toe. ‘What does the future look like for Dr Laura Pearce?’
‘Well, I was thinking about putting the kettle on and running a bath,’ I replied, digging my fingernails into my palms to chase away the residual tingling sensation. ‘And I’d really like to finish my book tonight if
I can.’
He looked at me as though he wasn’t sure whether or not I was joking. ‘I was looking for a broader picture. What’s the plan for the rest of your life?’
‘Callum, it’s four o’clock on Christmas Eve Eve,’ I said. ‘I’ve already been trapped up a tower, broken my phone, fought with your sister and given your dad a very, very questionable massage, and now you want to hear my five-year plan?’
‘If you don’t mind,’ he replied. ‘While we’re still young.’
When he tapped his watch to signal he was waiting, I sighed and looked to the ceiling as if the answer might be hiding along the crown moulding.
‘Well, I’ve still got years of training to do before I qualify,’ I started. ‘Several big exams coming up. I’d like to pay off my student debts before I’m drawing my pension. And if we’re really talking about dream timelines, I suppose I’d like to buy a house one day. Maybe travel a bit?’
‘That’s it?’ Callum asked, the surprise in his voice clear as a bell. ‘That’s the extent of your wildest dreams?’
‘I did also say I was planning to have a bath and read my book,’ I sniffed. ‘And I believe you have mentioned a sticky toffee pudding twice now so …’
‘If my sticky toffee pudding is the highlight of your future hopes and dreams, I’m worried about you.’
‘Then you’ve talked it up too much, haven’t you?
’ I picked up a crystal-studded haggis just to have something to do with my hands.
‘I don’t know, I don’t really think about it.
My dream was to be a doctor. The only way to make that dream come true is to work hard, stay focused, no distractions.
I’ve found the more you manage your expectations, the less likely you are to be disappointed in life. ’
‘What about getting married, finding a partner?’ he pressed. ‘You don’t see yourself having kids?’
The sun had slipped away behind the hills while we’d been decorating the tree, leaving me with nothing but the cosy glow of the fire and sparkle of the fairy lights.
The flames danced around, shooting up then retreating back, making it difficult for me to read Callum’s expression but, if I had to describe it, I’d say it almost looked like he was disappointed.
Disappointed in me? It wasn’t fair. He didn’t know me, didn’t have any right to question the way I lived my life.
‘I see myself being a doctor and that means I don’t have time for relationships,’ I said, flushing again but this time with frustration.
If he’d been through what I’d been through, seen the things I’d seen, maybe he’d understand. If you didn’t have anyone, you couldn’t lose anyone. It was that simple.
‘And being a doctor means you have to live like a nun?’
‘Nuns have a very nice life. Hanging out with their friends, going on trips, and they can drink, you know, I looked it up once. Besides, no one said I live like a nun, I said I don’t have time for relationships. I date, I have fun.’
Or at least I could, if I wanted to. I had theoretical fun.
‘What about you?’ I asked, volleying his own question back. ‘What grand plans does Callum McClay have for the future?’
I was ready for him to snap and call me out for my snide tone but instead he shrugged, the corners of his mouth tugging downwards.
‘No idea. No fucking clue.’
‘But Paris,’ I said, confused by his despondence. ‘Pastry cheffing?’
‘I love working in a kitchen, I’m excited about Paris, but I don’t know with absolute certainty this is what I want to do forever. It isn’t a vocation for me the way medicine is for you.’
‘Then what is?’
‘I don’t know.’
Callum pushed his hair back from his face as he seemed to search for a better answer to my question.
‘Right up until the day I walked out the door, I thought I would be forced to spend the rest of my life running the farm and Balmaclay so I didn’t waste my time considering other options.
When life is mapped out for you from birth, you don’t bother dreaming about all the things you can’t have. ’
I tried to imagine how that would feel, someone pressuring me into a life I didn’t want, forcing me to be someone I wasn’t. Perhaps my dad’s aggressively ambivalent approach to childrearing was better than Derek’s hands on approach.
‘But you did leave,’ I pointed out. ‘You found the strength to walk away.’
‘Best and worst day of my life,’ he replied. ‘And they still don’t believe I’m really gone. Maybe part of me thinks they’re right. If all roads lead back here, why bother investing time and effort in anything else?’
It hurt to see him look so dejected. Balmaclay might be magical to me but I saw it through his eyes for the first time. A fairytale noose around his neck pulling tighter and tighter every time he came home.
‘You could be anything, you know,’ I told him tenderly. ‘No one says you have to have it all worked out before you’re thirty.’
‘I’m thirty-one.’
‘You know what I mean,’ I said with a pointed glance. ‘If you really don’t want this place to be your future, you need to pull off the bandage and tell your parents once and for all. It’s got to be hard to commit yourself to something else if you’ve always got one foot back here.’
Something else or someone else, I thought, an image of Shiv drifting through my mind. A half-smile cracked his face and I felt a warm shiver run through me.
‘I know you’re not a psychiatrist but if you ever decided you wanted to go into therapy, I’ve a feeling you’d be good at it.’
‘Imagine it, you can do anything, be anything,’ I said, glowing with his praise. ‘Don’t overthink it, just tell me, what do you want?’
Callum’s head tilted down, rust-coloured waves falling in front of his darkening eyes.
‘I can think of one thing I want very much.’
His statement hung between us like the sweet resin scent of the tree.
I couldn’t move. The ridiculous sparkly haggis bauble swung from my fingertips and blood thudded in my ears.
Callum’s chest swelled with a deep breath in and he seemed to double in size in front of me.
I looked up at him as he gazed down at me, his unruly hair glowing in the firelight that warmed his pale, pale skin.
His lips parted and I felt myself mirror the movement, pulsing with anticipation.
Then I remembered something Derek had said. His ties to Balmaclay were too strong. No matter how he felt now, Callum would come home eventually. And Shiv would be waiting. You barely know the boy. He wasn’t wrong about that. Could he be right about the rest of it as well?
‘Laura—’
He took a step towards me and I instinctively took a step back, my foot landing in one of the empty ornament boxes and skidding out from underneath me.
Arms windmilling wildly, I flew forward, right into Callum’s open arms. He caught me easily, gathering me up around the waist and twirling me away before I could vault face first into the tree.
My fingers curled around the fabric of his jumper as he held me to his strong chest, his heart thumping against my cheek.
I couldn’t tear my eyes away from his lips, so close to my face, slightly parted, pink and firm, and everything else blurred around me as he dragged his teeth over his bottom lip and tightened his grip around my waist.
‘Sorry, low blood sugar.’ I broke away and hurled myself across the room. ‘Probably dehydrated.’
‘Dark in here as well,’ he said, the words fighting to get out of his mouth faster. ‘You can’t see where you’re going.’
‘More lights,’ I agreed, practically panting. ‘We could definitely use more lights.’
Pressed up against the window, I watched him bend over, rooting around behind the tree for something.
Respectfully, he had a fantastic arse. It was about the only part of him I hadn’t seen back in the flat and I couldn’t help but regret it.
But thinking about his arse and our naked meet-not-so-cute was not going to stop the ringing currently sounding in my ears or dull the throbbing in the suddenly uncomfortably tight crotch region of my jeans.
Callum made a small triumphant sound and, at once, strings and strings of fairy lights he’d wound around the tree before I saw it came to life, lighting up his whole face.
The way he looked at me made my heart stop. Callum gazed at me the same way I was gazing at the tree, like I was something beautiful. Something to be admired.
‘What do you think?’ he asked.
‘I think it’s wonderful.’ My words came out weak as I concentrated on the tiny white twinkling lights instead of his rapt expression, the way they illuminated the iridescent baubles he’d chosen, the way they made the glittery ornaments sparkle. ‘You made it beautiful.’
‘It was already beautiful,’ he replied, shaking his head as if coming out from under a spell. ‘I think we can officially say this tree is decorated. First Christmas tradition officially re-established.’
‘It’s only a tradition if you do it more than once.’
Callum brushed a hand over the soft branches of the tree, pine needles trembling at his touch.
‘Are you offering to come back and do it again next year?’
It hadn’t taken long to build walls around my heart. I’d started so young, I could barely remember a time they weren’t there, protecting me. But keeping them up, fortifying my defences, strengthening my resolve, that took time. Years.
I wasn’t about to let them down so easily.
‘If I do my job well, Caroline will not be welcome back,’ I said, all the way across the room. ‘That’s going to make it difficult for Laura to pop up for a visit.’
His smile flickered. Something I’d said registered in a way he didn’t like.
‘Thank you for all this,’ I added, gesturing at the tree, desperate to get back to the way things were five minutes earlier, when we were laughing so easily and I wasn’t imagining how his lips would feel on mine. ‘The tree and everything. It’s so thoughtful.’
‘It’s nothing,’ Callum replied. He ran his hands through his hair and I wondered if it would smell as sweet as the tree. ‘If you feel like getting out the house tomorrow, there’s a Christmas Eve carol service in town. They do it every year but I’ve never been, might be nice.’
‘You’ve never been?’ I asked and he shook his head.
‘More of a Hogmanay man, myself, but I’m game to go if you are.’
A carol service. A nice, wholesome, brightly lit activity where we would be surrounded by dozens of other people. Perfect.
‘If you’re sure,’ I nodded. ‘I’d like that.’
‘It’s a date,’ he replied before checking the time on his watch. ‘Dinner will be on soon. Are you up to a family feed or is Caroline’s migraine back again? Entirely up to you, I reckon we’ve done enough damage for one day if you’d rather not.’
He was right, we’d really outdone ourselves already, even when we hadn’t meant to.
Caroline certainly wasn’t winning any popularity contests in Balmaclay.
I’d had every intention of skipping dinner and spending the evening alone in my room, but when his eyes drifted back to mine, the thought of sitting up here by myself when I could be downstairs with Callum seemed stupid.
‘Give me a knock and we’ll go down together,’ I said, hoping I wouldn’t live to regret it.