Chapter Twenty
The atmosphere around the McLay dinner table was more tense than the time Joel came home from work and casually told me and Desi his boss was selling two face-value Taylor Swift tickets for Wembley but he’d passed.
Elsie was absent, but Derek, Lizzie and Rory were all seated at the table when Callum and I appeared, fifteen minutes later than we were requested.
His father had the decency to avoid eye contact as I shuffled past, but Lizzie openly examined me with the same kind of scrutiny I applied to before and after photos of Lindsay Lohan.
‘Sorry,’ Callum said as he held my seat out for me. ‘I lost track of time.’
‘My fault, obviously,’ I huffed, rubbing at my red-rimmed eyes. ‘Everything’s always my fault.’
Lizzie eyed her son as he took his place beside me. ‘Everything OK, Caroline, dear?’
It was. My eyes were red thanks to the makeup remover I’d scrubbed over them after an aborted attempt at winged eyeliner. Lizzie McClay didn’t need the facts, let her chalk it up to another Caroline nightmare.
‘Everything’s grand,’ Callum replied for me. ‘Can we just eat?’
After he’d left my room, I’d given myself a good talking to, a much needed reminder about why I was there. I wasn’t in Scotland to defend Callum’s life choices to his family, I didn’t need to know whether or not he still had feelings for his ex or whether he’d end up returning to Balmaclay or not.
And I certainly shouldn’t be entertaining ridiculous fantasies based on nothing more than proximity, fairy lights and a fantastic arse.
It went against the very fibre of my being to admit it but Desi had been right to warn me about catching feelings.
I was in a big old fancy house, with a gorgeous man, at Christmas.
Who wouldn’t get the warm and fuzzies? All I had to do was keep a lid on myself and avoid too much one-on-one contact.
Seventy-two hours from now, this nonsense would all be over, we’d be on the train back home and soon enough, the bizarre Christmas I spent in Scotland with a man I barely knew would be a hilarious brunch story and nothing more.
‘It’s stew for dinner,’ Derek said when Fiona came in with a giant silver tureen. ‘And another veggie roast for you, Caroline.’
‘Been looking forward to it all day,’ I replied, one single tear slipping down my cheek.
‘This looks good, Fi,’ Rory said as she served the youngest McClay first, the two of them sharing an affectionate look. ‘Are you sure you don’t want a wee taste, Caro?’
‘It’s Caro now, is it?’ Derek looked at his son and then at me, the lines around his eyes deepening with effort as he tried to work out when we’d become such besties. ‘You should’ve been down in the barn with me and Rory this afty, Callum, you missed a treat.’
‘That’s right,’ Rory said. ‘Dr Dickson came over and put his arm up a cow’s arse, all the way up to the elbow, then it shat all over him. A true Christmas miracle.’
‘You know, I’m really not that hungry tonight.’ I offered Fiona a pleading smile when she placed another mound of oily, compressed vegetables in front of me. ‘Maybe I could just have some toast?’
She narrowed her eyes in my direction. ‘You’ll eat it and like it. Bon ape-bloody-tite.’
‘It’s a shame your friend couldn’t come with you,’ Lizzie said to Rory, expertly steering the conversation in a more dinner-friendly direction. ‘I was looking forward to meeting him.’
‘You can say boyfriend, Mum. And it’s ex-boyfriend now so don’t worry yourself.’
I sneaked a sidelong glance at Derek to see how he reacted to Rory’s correction but no, there was nothing. At least his attitudes towards his children weren’t completely stuck in the past.
The stew Callum served himself looked delicious, so did the giant hunk of crusty bread, still warm from the oven, sitting on the plate beside it.
Truly, it was everything I could do not to faceplant directly into the tureen and hoover it up like a bottom-feeding fish, and if I hadn’t been distracted by a very loud bell ringing through the house, I might’ve cracked.
‘Who would be ringing the doorbell at this time of night?’ Derek wondered aloud as he stood to investigate. ‘Rory, go and get my golf clubs. A four iron should do it.’
‘Dad, it’s not even eight,’ his son replied. ‘Maybe don’t get on your vigilante shit until you’ve seen who it is.’
With a grunt and a groan, Derek left the table, chuntering under his breath as he went. I stared longingly at his plate next to my elbow, wondering if anyone would notice if I took a bite out of the bread, not really caring whether they did.
‘Lizzie!’ Derek yelled. ‘We’ve got company!’
In unison, Callum, Rory and his mother all dropped their napkins and sprinted out of the dining room.
‘Well, if we’re all going,’ I said, grabbing Derek’s bread, taking a huge bite then following the family down the hallway.
I arrived in the foyer just in time to see Derek standing dumbstruck by the open door as two figures came in from the cold.
Two terrifyingly familiar figures.
Please no, please no, please no, please no.
‘There she is!’ Desi thundered past Derek, stomping across the entrance hall in six-inch heels to give me a very aggressive hug. ‘Why didn’t you tell me this place has a fucking moat?’
‘It’s not a moat,’ I replied weakly as Joel followed her in, carrying two suitcases and throwing me a wink. ‘It’s a naturally occurring pond.’
‘Caroline,’ Derek said, reluctantly closing the door when it became clear his new guests had no intention of leaving any time soon. ‘Are these friends of yours?’
‘No,’ I replied vehemently. ‘Definitely not.’
‘Correct,’ Desi clucked. ‘I’m Caroline’s sister, Svetlana.’
I closed my eyes then opened them again, hoping the nightmare in front of me might disappear. Nope, they were still there, Desi and Joel gurning in my general direction, the entire McClay family looking horribly confused, Callum included. Ever the lady of the house, Lizzie recovered herself first.
‘You didn’t tell us you were expecting family,’ she said to me. ‘I would’ve invited them to dinner if I’d known they were in the area.’
‘She didn’t know!’ Joel crowed, turning in a slow circle to take in the splendour of the house. ‘We thought we’d pop in and surprise her.’
‘And you’re Caroline’s … brother?’ Derek guessed.
‘Brother-in-law,’ he said. ‘Svetty here is my darling wife.’
‘Are you sure about that?’ I glared at the pair of them as Joel covered a laugh with a less than convincing cough.
But Desi just nodded with glee. ‘Five years married and still at it like newlyweds so apologies if we get a bit handsy.’
‘And what about you?’ I said to Joel. ‘Are you going to tell everyone your name?’
He gave me a questioning look. ‘Still Joel.’
‘Fantastic.’ I pressed a hand to my forehead, my fake migraines quickly threatening to become a reality. ‘Now, would you like to tell me what the fucking fuck you’re doing here?’
‘Language, Caroline!’ Desi replied. ‘What would your godmother say?’
She turned to mouth the words “Judi Dench” and popped her eyes wide open.
‘Svetty was concerned,’ Joel explained as ‘Svetlana’ brushed past Lizzie with an air hug before placing extravagant kisses on Derek’s cheeks.
‘I couldn’t have my beloved wife, who I am extremely sexually attracted to, worried all Christmas, so I said, let’s get in the car and drive up there. Ten hours later, here we are!’
‘Ten?’ Derek blustered, trying to politely step out of Desi’s clutches. ‘How fast were you driving?’
‘There is no speed limit on love,’ my alleged best friend replied. ‘And I’ve got a heavy foot at the best of times, haven’t I, Joel?’
‘All the better to step on my neck,’ he swooned and, beside me, Rory didn’t bother to cover his laugh this time. Callum, on the other hand, only looked alarmed.
‘Come here!’ I exclaimed, pulling Desi into a hug and holding her fast. ‘What the fuck are you doing?’ I hissed into her ear. ‘You cannot be here.’
‘Saving your arse. You’re clearly frothing for this imbecile already, you massive simp, and someone needed to come and remind you none of this is real.’ She pushed me away with tears in her eyes. ‘Caroline, darling, I love you too, you sweet, simple idiot.’
‘Where shall I put the bags?’ Joel asked, holding up both suitcases. ‘Also, where’s the loo? I’m dying for a wee.’
‘You … you want to stay here?’ Lizzie looked as though she could faint clean away, which really wouldn’t be a problem because I would be on the floor already to break her fall.
‘Caroline said we were invited,’ Desi said, turning to me. ‘Isn’t that right, sis?’
‘No, because you said, the other day at Callum’s flat,’ I babbled when Lizzie redirected her glare at me. ‘When I said I was spending Christmas with my sister …’
‘So I did,’ she said, stepping forward and coolly taking over the situation. ‘Not a problem at all. We’re delighted to have you – Svetlana. Only I don’t have another room set up right now so they’ll have to sleep in your room tonight, Caroline. You can bunk up with Callum.’
Desi’s eyes flashed and I knew she was furious at this unanticipated flaw in her plan.
‘We can share with Caroline,’ she offered. ‘Joel can sleep on the floor.’
Joel screwed up his face in disagreement. ‘Joel has been sat in a car all day and he’ll do no such thing.’
‘Mum, there have to be twenty other rooms we can put them in,’ Callum said, finally finding his voice.
‘Yes and they’re all closed up,’ she replied. ‘They need cleaning and heating and the beds need making and no, tonight at least, we’ll have to make do. Hopefully Caroline’s night terrors won’t be too bad.’
‘Not as bad as mine will be,’ Derek squeaked as Desi’s hand disappeared behind his back and dropped towards his backside.
‘Fantastic, we’re all settled. What’s for dinner?’ she asked, eyes gleaming. ‘We’re both starving.’
‘That depends,’ Lizzie replied. ‘Are you vegans like Caroline?’
‘Sweet Lord, no,’ Joel shook his head. ‘Give me all the meats.’
‘Although I can’t eat wheat, refined sugars or anything in the nightshade family,’ Desi stated. ‘And I’m not especially keen on bananas, while you’re taking notes.’
‘What’s a nightshade?’ Rory asked, eyeing them both carefully, and I answered for Desi before she could say something else insulting.
‘Tomatoes, aubergines, peppers, potatoes.’
‘Potatoes?’ Now it was Derek’s turn to look as though he might pass out. ‘How do you live?’
‘It’s a hardship, Derek,’ Desi said, her cutglass faux-posh girl accent slicing through my eardrums. ‘But I soldier on. Caroline, why don’t you show me and Joelly where to put our bags then we’ll strap on the old feedbag. Does that sound like a plan?’
‘I’ll help.’ Callum held out his hand for one of the suitcases but I moved to block his path.
‘No need, go back and eat your dinner.’ I met his eyes and silently pleaded with him to go along with me. ‘We’ll be back down in two minutes. It’s all going to be fine.’
‘Is it?’ he asked in a quiet voice as the rest of the family drifted back towards the dining room.
‘Seems unlikely but I’ll do my best,’ I muttered. ‘I’ll get rid of them. Is there somewhere in town they can stay?’
‘Unlikely. The only rooms are at The Clach and they’ll be fully booked for Christmas.’
‘I’ll work it out,’ I promised. ‘Don’t worry.’
From the look he gave me as he walked away, I could tell he was definitely not reassured, but that was fair.
Neither was I.