Chapter Twenty-One
‘And then we just said fuck it, sold our shares back to Zucks, told him to shove the whole social media thing up his arse and became digital nomads,’ Desi said, elbows on the table, hands cradling her heart-shaped face. ‘Since then we’ve mostly been investing in crypto, haven’t we, darling?’
‘It’s just as I said to Jeffy B at Davos last year,’ Joel replied, wafting his glass of wine around in the air. ‘You’ve got to keep moving forward. Stagnation is death.’
No one said anything. In fact, no one had said anything since Derek made the mistake of asking Desi if she’d like some salt about forty minutes earlier.
In that time, she and my ‘brother-in-law’ had shared their entire life stories, from Joel’s time at Swiss boarding school to Svetlana’s years spent in South America, freeing elephants from cartel kingpins’ private zoos.
‘So then, Svetty,’ Rory said, wiping his mouth with his napkin when he finished his second helping of stew. I glanced over at Callum’s plate to see he had barely touched his first. ‘You and Caroline don’t look very alike for sisters, I can’t see any resemblance at all.’
‘Rubbish, we’ve got exactly the same breasts,’ she replied and poor Derek snorted a mouthful of wine out through his nose. ‘Other than that, no, we don’t look that alike. Mum’s weak genes, I suppose. We both look like our dads.’
‘Different fathers?’ Lizzie said as her husband dabbed at himself, eyes streaming. ‘Your parents are divorced, Caroline?’
‘They’re in a polyamorous triad,’ Desi said before I could confirm or deny. ‘Buying sheets for the custom-made bed makes things a bit complicated but you’d be surprised how well they all get on. It’s nice, really, our dads always have someone to play golf with.’
‘And with two men in the house, their mum has a slightly better chance of someone taking the rubbish out without asking,’ Joel added.
‘They’re joking,’ I said loudly. ‘Of course they’re joking. Svetlana was adopted.’
‘But I’m sensitive about it.’ She waved her fork around in the air and a carrot flew off, landing right in Lizzie’s lap. ‘My real parents were famous actors who had an affair on set and couldn’t keep me because of the scandal.’
‘Who?’ Rory asked as his mother placed the carrot beside her own untouched meal.
‘Couldn’t possibly say,’ she sniffed, ‘but I’ve never been able to watch Titanic all the way through if you catch my drift.’
‘Always making jokes, this one,’ I laughed maniacally, having heard just about enough. ‘Svetty, you must be knackered. If you’re done with dinner, why don’t we get you up to bed?’
‘We’re not going to get a tour?’ she asked, awash with disappointment. ‘I wanted to see the loch.’
‘Tomorrow,’ Callum replied. ‘You can’t see it in the dark.’
‘I think I’m ready to turn in myself,’ Lizzie said when Desi and Joel protested. ‘An early night won’t hurt. Lots to do tomorrow, especially now we have extra guests. Derek?’
The McClay patriarch stood to follow his wife away from the table, the red wine stain on his shirt still spreading.
‘Aye, goodnight. We’ll see you in the morning.’ He stared at Desi with a look of restrained horror. ‘All of you.’
‘Who fancies a nightcap?’ Rory said, clapping his hands together. ‘I know where Dad hides the good stuff.’
Joel lit up. ‘Count me in, I’d give my left ball for a proper drink.’
‘Count him out,’ I said. ‘You and both of your balls are going up to bed.’
‘Shame,’ Rory said with a drawl before excusing himself from the table. ‘I have a lot of follow-up questions about boarding school. I’ll be in the living room if you change your mind.’
‘Which you will not,’ I said the moment he was out the door.
‘Some husband you’re turning out to be,’ Desi added. ‘Can you put your tongue back in please?’
‘He was the one making eyes at me all through dinner!’ Joel said defensively, pointing after the youngest McClay. ‘And I’m pretty sure he was trying to play footsie with me as well.’
‘That was me,’ I said, head in my hands. ‘I was trying to kick her in the shins and missed.’
‘Can one of you, any of you, please tell me what’s going on?
’ Callum asked. He had the look of someone who had spent the last hour trying to walk a tightrope over the Grand Canyon and was about ready to launch himself in.
‘With the two of you, I mean, not whether or not you were flirting with my little brother because you definitely were, pal.’
‘We’re here to check on her and help you achieve your goals,’ Desi announced, keeping one eye on the door and her statements vague. ‘You’re welcome.’
‘Also the boiler broke and the landlord couldn’t get anyone to look at it until Saturday,’ Joel added. ‘But mostly we’re here for Laura.’
‘OK, get back in the car right now,’ I ordered, pointing at the door. ‘Don’t even go back upstairs for your bags. I will bring them home, you need to leave, immediately.’
‘But we’re both over the limit,’ Desi protested. ‘We had wine with dinner.’
‘A lot of wine,’ Callum said. ‘A truly impressive amount, honestly.’
‘First thing in the morning then,’ I said. ‘Literally not another word to another person living under this roof before you go.’
‘You’d really send us back to a freezing flat when you’re swanking it up here in the Traitors’ castle?’ Joel said with watery eyes. ‘For shame, Laura.’
I gave him a look that could’ve stripped paint.
‘You’re leaving.’
‘My arse, we are. I’ve done enough driving today to last me a lifetime.’
Desi scoffed. ‘You did two hours.’
‘That’s two more than I was planning on when you opened that second bottle of wine last night,’ Joel volleyed back.
‘Christ, maybe you can pull off cosplaying as a married couple,’ I muttered, pushing my hair back from my face. ‘Either way, you shouldn’t have come and you can’t stay.’
‘Fine, whatever, we’ll leave in the morning,’ Desi sighed, moving on as though I didn’t recognise her “I’d like this conversation to be over” voice. ‘Now, I believe someone said something about whisky?’
‘I believe someone said something about bed,’ I corrected. ‘The sooner you’re asleep, the sooner you can be off.’
‘Anyone would think she wasn’t happy to see us,’ Joel muttered as the four of us cleared the plates and took them into the kitchen. ‘This is the thanks we get for trying to help.’
‘They can stay.’
My head had never spun around so fast. I stared at Callum, not sure I’d heard him right.
‘They can stay?’
‘They can stay,’ he repeated wearily. ‘It’ll be a nightmare drive down to London on Christmas Eve, fourteen hours at least, and I’ve had some experience with panicking about you when you don’t answer your phone. They were worried about you.’
‘I was mostly worried your family was planning to sacrifice her to the old gods but thank you,’ Desi said graciously. ‘You are a benevolent master.’
‘Don’t push your luck,’ Callum said with the first thing approaching a smile since they arrived. ‘I could still change my mind.’
‘Please do,’ I said. ‘Immediately if not sooner.’
Desi wound her arm through mine, looking up at me from underneath her hair, and fluttering her fluffy false eyelashes. ‘No, Lau, it’s going to be fun,’ she said in her most wheedling tone. ‘It’s Christmas, we’re all together, I’ve even brought your Chocolate Orange up with me.’
Joel cleared his throat and sliced his finger across his throat.
‘Oh, right,’ she added. ‘Sorry, we ate it just outside Stoke-on-Trent.’
‘We’ll be so well behaved,’ Joel promised. ‘All we have to do now is keep up the pretence that you’re a vegan Swedish masseuse, Desi is the adopted love child of Kate and Leo, and I’m straight. What could possibly go wrong?’
Callum’s smile froze.
‘Nothing,’ I said wearily. ‘Now please just go to bed.’
When I heard the door to Callum’s room click closed behind us, I could’ve happily collapsed to the ground and slept on the spot. It had been the longest day in history.
‘I don’t even know what to say,’ I began but he was already waving away my words.
‘Don’t. They were worried about you, I could never fault anyone for that. They’re good friends. Terrible liars but good friends.’
A reluctant laugh sounded through my closed lips as he turned on a bedside lamp. His room was a similar size to mine, the fireplace, I guessed, backing onto the one in my room, but instead of having the vibe of a cosy, boutique hotel, this room felt entirely personal.
‘Welcome to the place where the magic literally never happened,’ Callum said with an uncomfortable chuckle. ‘And no, they haven’t changed a thing since I moved out. I don’t think they’ve changed a thing since I was sixteen, come to think of it.’
Everything was blue. The walls were painted a pale periwinkle, the carpet, cornflower, and the duvet cover on the double bed, deep navy stripes.
Even the armchairs in front of the picture window were upholstered in a beautiful cerulean brocade.
It was like falling into his eyes, every shade of blue I could imagine.
There was a wardrobe, a chest of drawers, both made of old knotty pine, warm with age, and next to the window, two tall bookcases, both of them absolutely crammed from top to bottom with tattered paperbacks and dog-eared dustcovers.
‘I was a big reader when I was a kid,’ he explained when he saw me looking at his library. ‘Shit internet connection and Mum wouldn’t let me have a television in my room but, if anyone asks, I never wanted one in the first place.’
‘Oh, totally. You were way too cool for that,’ I agreed, taking a tentative step towards the bed, my backpack hanging from my hands. ‘It’s nice.’
‘It’s a head fuck,’ Callum corrected. ‘Every time I come in here, I feel like I’m fifteen again. Time and time again I’ve told them to get rid of everything and redecorate but they won’t have it. Callum McClay must be reminded of where he came from. As if I could forget.’
I gave another weak impression of a laugh.