25. Carrie
25
CARRIE
D ad and Mom drove away in Mom's car, headed to his therapy. I watched from the window feeling so sad and heavy. Ten days until Christmas, and I should’ve been filled with hope and joy. Instead, I was the complete opposite. I was so down and depressed, I felt like I could barely breathe.
I sighed, closing my eyes for a moment, trying to shake off the ache that wouldn’t leave me. My stomach twisted and roiled in a physical reminder of the stress, but I didn’t have time to wallow in it. I just wanted relief. I grabbed my phone, staring at the screen for a second before tapping Ethan’s name. Within seconds, his face appeared on the screen, his usual grin present, but it quickly faded when he saw me.
“Oh, no,” he said, eyebrows knitting together. “Care Bear, what happened?”
The nickname almost broke me right then and there. I pressed my hand to my chest, the tears already welling up, and Ethan sighed. “Let it out, babe. Tell me.”
“I’m in love with him,” I choked out, and the tears finally spilled down my cheeks. “And I can’t have him.” Saying it out loud just made it hurt so much more. I wanted the world to know, I wanted Ryan to know, but there was no point in even telling him. He would only be hurt worse once he found out about the baby, once I left for Chicago.
Ethan’s expression softened. “Oh, Carrie…”
“I can’t stop thinking about him. It’s driving me insane, Ethan. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted, but he’s… he’s not mine. And he never will be.” I pressed the heel of my hand against my eyes, trying to hold back the sobs, but it was useless.
Ethan sat back in his chair, a deep frown on his face. "Alright, let's just take this one thing at a time. Start with why you think it won't work out between you two."
I sniffled and sucked in a few stuttering breaths before I was calm enough to tell Ethan what was going on. My head throbbed just thinking of how I'd ever unravel this, and I was glad my best friend always had my back.
"Okay, well for starters, he's my dad's best friend."
"Tell me something new, sugar. Let's skip the repeats and cut to the chase." Ethan grinned at me, but I wasn’t feeling playful at all. It almost made me start crying again. I hated these stupid pregnancy hormones.
"Okay, well he's fifteen years older than me. Or more… And his first marriage failed because he didn't want children. So there's that." I used my sleeve to wipe my eyes and curled up on the sofa and lay down. Then I propped my phone on the coffee table against my coffee mug which was now empty and cold.
"And?"
"And he is rooted in this town. He asked me to stay here." I didn't have to explain to Ethan why that was a very bad thing for me. He knew. He'd heard all the stories.
"Ouch… So he wouldn’t relocate to Chicago?" He winced as he spoke.
"Or New York…" I mumbled. "If I get that job, I have to take it. I can't let that opportunity pass me by." If Ryan really did love me, there was a chance he'd go with me instead of my staying here, but how? How would he ever get past the fact that I was pregnant?
"Hmm… Well, did you ask him?" Ethan's face was covered by a notification banner of an incoming call. Ryan was trying to call me. I flicked the notification away and wiped my eyes again as tears kept pouring from them.
"No, I can't ask him. Are you insane? He's my dad's best friend. Dad will freak out entirely. And Mom will probably flip out too. I mean, he's fifteen years older…" Just saying it out loud confirmed to my mind how that was a horrible idea.
"Love is love, babe. It could work. You should ask him." Ethan wanted to be helpful, but his words weren't helping at all.
"You don't understand, Ethan." I felt my stomach churning again, telling me my breakfast was on its way up soon.
"What don't I understand? Hun, your parents aren't going to live forever, and neither will you. Life is so short. You have to take risks or you’ll never know if you could be happy." Ethan pursed his lips at me and frowned, and I sat up.
"You don't get it. He left his wife because she got pregnant."
"And?" he asked again.
"And I'm pregnant, you idiot…" My throat constricted as I said it, and I barely choked it out.
Then I heard something that made my blood run cold. A gasp, followed by something hitting the ground, and I jumped off the couch in fear and turned around.
Ryan stood behind the sofa with his hat in his hands. The hide-a-key lay on the ground at his feet, and there was a look of complete shock and disbelief on his face.
"You're pregnant?" he asked, and even as he did, his face grew red.
"Oh, my God. Ryan, it's not what you think."
"You swore there was no way you could ever get pregnant…" he mumbled as he started backing toward the door.
"Ryan, wait, let me explain." I moved toward him, reaching for his hand, but he turned and walked out, leaving the door standing open. I raced after him, but he was moving too quickly. "Ryan, please!" I shouted from the door, but he got into his car and started it, driving away with squealing tires.
I stood there sobbing until I couldn't hold back anymore. The bushes received my vomit and I could do nothing about it. I retched for several long minutes and sobbed in between the heaves. That wasn't at all how I wanted him to find out. I thought I'd be out of town when Mom and Dad gave him the news. And now he thought it was his kid too, which only made things worse.
I retreated into the house and shut the door, picked up the key, and walked back over to my phone where Ethan was staring into his phone camera with a look of horror plastered on his face. His eyebrows were high and his mouth was hanging open.
"My God, girl. What the hell just happened?"
I collapsed onto the couch crying harder than before, barely able to put words together to respond to him. When I did manage to say anything, it was more hysterical mumbling than anything else, and Ethan probably couldn't understand a word I said.
"Okay, look, try to breathe. Take a deep breath," he coached, but it wasn't working.
My heart was tearing in two and no one could do anything about it. "Oh, my God." I was beside myself, rocking and hugging my knees to my chest. My world was crumbling around me now, and now that the worst thing imaginable had happened, I knew what I wanted more than anything. I wanted Ryan. I wanted a life with him. I wanted to be close to him and spend time with him, have sex with him and someday, I wanted him to propose. I wanted love. I wanted him.
"Babe, you just need a minute, okay? I'm going to hang up and I want you to go have a hot shower. When you're a bit calmer, you lie down and have a nap. And when you wake up, you call me back."
I nodded at him, and he blew a kiss toward me, then he hung up. I lay on the couch crying for a while longer, and then I got up and did what he told me. I took a hot shower, sitting down to let the water wash away some of my pain, but it didn't help. I kept crying.
When the water ran cold, I dried off and got dressed and climbed into bed, where I cried more. I curled up under the covers and hid, not even realizing I'd left my phone downstairs. It didn’t matter. The only person in the world I wanted to speak to had just stormed out of my life, probably for good, and all I wanted to do now was sleep and pretend none of this had happened.