26. Ryan
26
RYAN
T he whiskey burned my throat as I swallowed it down. My third glass today already, and it was only one in the afternoon. Though, it was the second bottle this week so far. I'd been stewing inside my house, not leaving for any reason. I sat on my couch staring at the fireplace for most of the first afternoon after I interrupted Carrie and overheard her talking to a friend on the phone.
My hands shook with anger, so I drank to try to calm myself. I hadn't spoken to anyone, except Sam, and only then, it was to tell him I'd be taking a few personal days. He never questioned why and I didn't offer an explanation. I didn't want there to be any chance that I'd hear my private turmoil being passed around gossip circles. I was shell-shocked and infuriated.
When Kate told me she was pregnant, I'd responded in outrage. I was so angry. I felt so betrayed by her. She knew from the minute we met that I didn't want children. We dated for a few years, and the whole time, she promised me she didn't want children either. We were so in love, and things were so amazing. We married and had more than a decade of such intimate and pure love. I thought she was my forever.
Then her sister had a baby, and family gatherings meant lots of baby cuddles, which led to Kate getting baby fever. I'd never seen her so excited or happy about something, but my heart never changed. I stood my ground when she started asking me to try or to change my mind. We argued about it a few times, and those arguments became weekly screaming matches, and one day, she just stopped bringing it up.
I thought she'd just moved on, that she finally remembered the promise we made to each other in the beginning and felt bad about pushing me. We made up and that was that. In fact, I remembered the sex being better than ever, like we were really connecting. Until months later, when she came back and told me she was pregnant. She'd gone off her birth control and never told me a thing.
The level of betrayal I felt was soul crushing. I remembered the promise she made me on more than one occasion, that she would never get pregnant. She was so sincere. We were on the same page. My heart had fully trusted in her, and that trust was ripped from me in a split second, and it tore us apart. We started sleeping in separate bedrooms, passed like ships in the night without conversation. I didn't think I'd ever trust her again.
And when she miscarried, she blamed it on me, saying the stress of all the arguing was what caused her to lose the baby. She left and never looked back, and I was only a husk of the man I was supposed to be for months, years even—until Carrie.
My fingers curled around the cup so hard, I thought I'd break it. I didn't want to remember Kate and what happened. I didn't want to think about how scarcely we were divorced before she had an accident and died. I didn't want to replay those memories over and over in my mind, but the instant I heard Carrie's confession to her friend, that she was pregnant now, all I could see was Kate's face—the anger I felt and how betrayed I'd been… and how that smile she had lit up the whole room.
I downed the glass of whiskey and set the glass down, then reached for the bottle and brought it to my lips to drink. Carrie had given me the same promise—she swore there was no way she could get pregnant—and like a fool, I had believed her. I was so foolish to allow my desire for her to override my sensibilities, and I let my lust drive me. We had unprotected sex several times, and each time, I ignored that niggling in my chest that warned me this could happen. I trusted when I shouldn't have.
Raking a hand through my hair, I thought of my many interactions with Walt's family over the past six weeks and how I'd seen the interactions between them, and the love. I wanted a family now. I'd already decided that life would be too lonely without that. Growing old without anyone to pass my love and memories on to, without someone to care for me in my old age, just sounded depressing.
When Carrie tried to follow me after that shock, I just bolted. I didn't stop to think how my heart was changing. I didn't think about how she'd feel or what the future might look like. I could only see Kate's face. I could only feel the pain in my chest like a dagger of betrayal. She said she'd explain it to me, that it wasn’t' what I was thinking, but what explanation could there be? She lied. She told me she wouldn't get pregnant and she did.
I was seething mad. So much so that I ignored seventeen calls from Carrie in the past three days. Helen invited me over for dinner, and even Walter reached out to call me, but I ignored them all. I didn't even pick up when Sam called to check on some invoices that needed to be sent for work, though I did shoot him a text to answer his questions. I just couldn’t talk to anyone.
The trauma I endured at Kate's hand had an iron grip on me, and even now, the whiskey couldn't budge it. It was so tight, I'd locked myself in a state of drunken numbness and I wasn’t coming out without a miracle.
I took a long swig from the bottle and rested my head on the backrest behind me. My eyes fluttered shut as the swirl of alcohol made my head spin. I wasn't upset that Carrie had gotten pregnant. That part was still churning inside my gut with a mix of apprehension, intrigue, and joy. I was going to be a father, and so much sooner than I thought.
What made me mad was how similar this was to Kate. How Carrie promised me—how she absolutely swore there was no way she could even get pregnant. Just the way Kate had. And now here we were. How could I ever trust anything she said again? How could I even know what was the truth or what to believe?
So I sat on my couch stewing and obsessing over my past and how damaged I was. I ignored phone calls from her to avoid saying something I'd later regret because we were going to have a baby together. Whether we'd ever be able to work this out or not was still yet to be seen. But I did want to be a part of my child’s life. And I didn't want to have bad blood between me and my child's mother for any reason. I just needed time to think things through and decide how I felt to know whether I could salvage anything with Carrie.
When I was settled, I'd come out of hiding and have that talk. For now… I drank.