Chapter 20
TWENTY
‘Tyler?’ I murmur, walking towards him. ‘Is that really you?’
His eyes flicker over my face, taking in my flushed cheeks, my tangled hair, my less-than-pristine blouse. Then he looks back into the bar, at the revelry that is still in full swing.
‘Yeah, it’s me. Surprise!’ he says. He tries to put a bit of humour into his voice, but I know him well enough to see that it’s an effort. He looks wired and tense, which is not a normal thing for Tyler.
I reach out and put my hand on his arm. I feel a little curl of dread in my belly, and a wash of exhaustion. All I wanted to do was crawl into bed and remain unconscious for a few hours, but that is not going to happen. I owe it to this man to find the energy I need.
‘Are you okay?’ I ask, frowning. I know how he feels about flying, so this is a huge deal for him.
It will, in fact, be only the third time in his entire life that he has been on a plane.
The first two times provoked such a serious stress reaction in him that he vowed to never fly again.
Now here he is, fresh from a long-haul flight from New York – all because of me. I am so not worth it.
‘Well, I didn’t die in a fireball over the Atlantic, so that’s a plus. But I’m probably not at my best. Is it always like this?’
I glance back at the pub and see that several of the women have clambered up onto table tops to dance to a weird acoustic version of Beyoncé’s Crazy in Love. Yikes. I’m not sure those tables were designed to deal with twerking.
‘Um, well, it’s often busy, but no, not like this. This is just a Christmas Eve thing. Do you want a drink? I can get you a beer. I happen to know the owner…’
This feels so strange, so horribly awkward.
I feel guilty that I have not been missing him as much as he has obviously missed me, and annoyed that I cannot push past this stiff and uncomfortable version of myself.
The man has flown halfway across the world to see me, and I haven’t even kissed him!
Belatedly, I wrap my arms around his waist, and give him a cuddle.
He gazes down at me and smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. ‘Thanks, but no to the beer. My body clock’s all messed up. Maybe a coffee, or a tea, now I’m in England?’
I nod and lead him up the stairs to the apartment. He dumps his case in the living room, and walks around the place, smiling at the photos of me as a kid. I make him a camomile tea, and one for myself while I’m at it. It’s the closest to a chill pill I can come up with.
We both settle down on the couch, and he runs his hands through his hair and stays silent for a few moments.
I have no idea how to handle this situation.
I always planned on sitting down with him just like this, and being as honest and as gentle as I could be – but he has pushed the schedule, and we are both clearly feeling the tension.
‘How was the flight?’ I ask, breaking the silence. He grimaces.
‘Every bit as delightful as I’d imagined. I thought they’d have to surgically remove me from the seat, I was gripping the arm rests so hard. But I wanted to come. I wanted to surprise you. Mission accomplished, I guess?’
I nod, and sip my tea. ‘Definitely!’
I’m sure he was imagining this whole scene playing out a lot differently, and I wish I could give him what he expected.
I’m still recovering from the shock of seeing him here at all.
It’s the last thing I expected him to do.
I cast my mind back over our last few conversations, and wonder if he picked up on the distance I was starting to feel creeping in between us – I suspect this isn’t just a ‘Wouldn’t this be a nice surprise?
’ visit. It’s a ‘What can I do to make this work?’ visit.
‘Was that Liam?’ he asks, finally getting around to what I know he’s been wanting to ask since he arrived. He’s looking off to the side as he speaks, a sure sign that he is anxious. ‘The guy you were dancing with?’
I have told him about Liam, the old friend I have reconnected with, and he even met his dog via the phone screen on the day we decorated Rosings for Christmas.
I detected a flicker of jealousy then, and it caught me off guard.
Turns out he was right, that maybe Tyler’s instincts were a little more fine-tuned than mine.
It seems like he knew there was a spark there even before I did.
I nod, trying to see the scene downstairs through his eyes.
He’s in the UK, late at night, in unfamiliar surroundings.
He’s just faced one of his worst fears, and is both stressed and exhausted.
He was probably hoping his girlfriend would be thrilled to see him, that she would melt into his arms – which is not at all unreasonable.
Instead, he walked into a bacchanal and found the girlfriend in question swaying in the arms of another man. I feel like utter crap.
‘Yes it was,’ I say slowly and carefully. ‘And Tyler, you need to know that nothing has happened between me and Liam. I would never do that.’
He tilts his head to one side, and finally meets my eyes. ‘It’s interesting, though, that you say that straight away, Ellie. I haven’t accused you of anything. I haven’t even asked.’
‘You haven’t, but I’m not an idiot – I know that might have looked bad. I hope you noticed the bit at the end where we both swerved the mistletoe.’
‘I did, yeah. But that came right after the part where you were looking at each other like… like people in love look at each other. Like I look at you. The way you never look at me. No, don’t protest – I’ve come a long way to see you; at least be honest with me. What’s the score, with you and Liam?’
I sigh, and rub my sore eyes. I think about what he has said and know that he is right.
He deserves honesty. I did not expect him here, I did not invite him here, and I am not mentally prepared for this conversation – but it looks like I’m going to be having it anyway.
I should have gone for a coffee instead of the camomile tea.
‘There actually isn’t a “score” with me and Liam. I won’t lie and say there is no attraction there, but I know that’s at least partly based on our history together, the fact that we have a connection that goes back so many years. But nothing has happened, like I said. And it’s not going to.’
He is staring at me intensely, as though trying to read my mind, and when he realises I am telling the truth a flicker of relief dances across his face.
I shake my head, and reach out to hold his hand.
It is so familiar, sitting here with him like this, the way we have done at his place or mine so many times over the last six months.
‘Tyler,’ I say quietly. He blinks rapidly at the sound of that word, and closes his eyes. Something in my tone, my gesture, gives it away.
‘It’s over, isn’t it?’ he asks, his voice sad.
‘I’m so sorry, but I think it is. I swear I haven’t cheated on you – you know how I feel about cheating – but the fact that it even crossed my mind tells me that things aren’t right between us.
I know you want more, and I know you said you would give me time, but I can’t keep you hanging on for something I don’t think will ever happen. ’
‘How can you be so sure of that, Ellie? Haven’t the last six months meant anything to you?’
‘Of course they have!’ I protest, keeping hold of his hand.
‘I’ve loved being with you! But the way I feel about you, Tyler…
It’s never going to be more than this. I like you.
I respect you. And just to be clear, I really do fancy you.
But I’m never going to fall in love with you, and you deserve better than that.
You deserve the absolute best woman in the world – it just isn’t me.
I’ve tried, and I’ve thought about it a lot I promise, and I’m…
well, I’m just never going to be your Lois. ’
He manages a weak smile at that, but I can see the pain in his eyes. He rubs the bridge of his nose and sighs.
‘I don’t want this to be happening,’ he says eventually.
‘I thought I’d make this big romantic gesture, and we’d have this sublime Christmas together, and maybe we’d even get engaged…
What was I thinking? I knew you felt this way, deep down.
I knew, but I hoped it would change. I hoped I’d eventually be good enough for you. ’
My eyes fill with tears, and I squeeze them away. ‘Tyler, please don’t say that – you are good enough for anyone! You’re kind and funny and clever and gorgeous, and any woman would be lucky to have you!’
‘Any woman apart from you?’ he asks, a touch of bitterness in his words.
‘Well, that’s a me problem, not a you problem. I’m a bloody idiot. Always have been, always will be. It must be genetic.’
Maybe it actually is, I think. My dad blew up his marriage, and now here I am, breaking the heart of this decent man, who wants to do nothing more than love me and build a life with me.
Maybe, like my dad, I just have too much scar tissue beneath the surface to allow me to make good choices.
At least doing this now rather than later gives Tyler the chance to meet someone new.
Someone better. I know he wants to settle down, have children – and I also know that I am not the right woman for him to settle down with, no matter how much he thinks I am.
These things cannot be unilateral – he can’t want it enough for both of us.
‘I’m really sorry,’ I say, wanting to put my arms around him and console him, but knowing that would be the very definition of sending mixed messages. ‘I didn’t know you were coming. I was planning to talk to you about it all face to face when I came home. I didn’t want to ruin your Christmas…’
A shadow of annoyance appears on his features, but he quickly controls it.
‘I know. I get that. I suppose I’d have done the same.
And I love the sweater, by the way. Just to be clear, I’m not giving you your gift now.
It was the type that comes in a black velvet jewellery box, and frankly I think I might return it. Use the cash to pay for therapy.’
‘Ouch. I deserve that. This… this whole trip has probably cost you a lot?’
‘In all kinds of ways, yes. I don’t care about the money,’ he says, looking me right in the eyes. ‘I care about what’s happening here. I care about losing you. Are you sure? I can wait; I’ve told you that…’
‘Says the man who just flew across an ocean because he sensed me slipping away?’
He lets out a low groan. ‘Yeah. Fair point. I did sense that, and I reacted in a real measured way, didn’t I? Okay. So maybe I’m not as good at waiting as I thought I was.’
‘That’s all right. You’re allowed to be you.
I just can’t make myself into what you need, Tyler – what you deserve.
My life is a mess. I have no clue what I want from it at the moment, and coming back here has really done a number on me.
But it has at least given me some clarity about me and you, and I don’t want you to waste another minute of your time waiting for me to come to my senses.
It’s entirely possible that I have none. ’
I see him biting down retorts, quashing his own objections. He knows, really, that I am right. He has probably always known, but was hoping that I would eventually end up on the same page as him.
‘Look, we’re both wiped out,’ I say, hating seeing the pain I’ve caused.
‘There’s a guest room free, and you’re welcome to stay as long as you like.
I know this is difficult, but a good night’s sleep will help.
I have to run a Baked Goods Buffet for the village tomorrow; you could come along? Free cake?’
He smiles, and it almost breaks my heart. He is so good, so lovely and so right – what is wrong with me? Why am I rejecting this man?
‘Thanks, but no,’ he says softly. ‘I can’t stand the thought of listening to you try and let me down gently for another day. I can’t watch you and hear you and be around you, knowing that it’s over. I can’t. I just can’t, Ellie. I’m sorry.’
He stands up and gets out his phone. I see the screensaver photo – me in his yard with all three of the dogs – and feel a moment of panic. Am I making a terrible mistake?
‘What are you doing?’ I ask, as he walks towards the door.
‘I’m ordering the world’s most expensive Uber,’ he says, tapping at his keyboard.
‘All the way back to London. I’ll find a hotel there that isn’t haunted by the ghost of girlfriends past. I’m sorry, Ellie, I know you want to sort this out – to be friends.
And maybe one day we can be. But right now, I’m not capable of that.
I guess I’m not evolved enough. I need to leave. ’
I want to stop him. I want to persuade him to stay at least one night. I want… what do I want? I don’t suppose it matters. I can’t be selfish here. What he wants has to come first. He is hurt, and I am the one who wounded him.